To ask if anyone has ever been the Other Woman...and had it work out?

[Birdtablegreen]

Just that really - have you ever been the OW (or know anyone who has) and you have ended up in a serious, long lasting relationship with him? And did you worry that he would do the same and did he/has he? Name change for this one but would rather not give details as could be outing even so...

My mum and dad. Both married and both OW and OM. Kids involved on both sides, it was messy at first from what I've heard (I wasnt born) but all parties have successfully moved on and M&D have been together 33 years and we have a lovely blended family with mums kids and dads kids from previous marriages as close as bio siblings, and then they had 3 together. I'm also the OW in a sense, I gained attention from DH on the party scene 12 years ago, I told him I was nobody's OW and to come see me when he was single. It wasnt that easy as we were drawn to eachother. He was really unhappy but his partner had MH issues and would threaten to kill herself if he left ect. It was messy, we have been married 8 years with 2 kids. I trust him completely and if I find out my fate is the same, who am I to grumble? I don't worry about a man leaving me.

@Fontofnoknowledge I totally agree

Yes. Two friends, now married, who were both in miserable relationships with other people when they got together. I don't judge them in the slightest, life is messy sometimes but they're very happy.

There's a couple at my work that have now been together for nearly 2 years. Both of them were married with children when they started their affair. The entire office knew well before their spouses did, which was dreadful, especially as her kids kept calling to ask for her and it became clear that she'd told them she was working the early/late shift when she was in fact sleeping with the boss. Awkward all around. They eventually told their spouses at Christmas and have been together since. Glad I don't work there anymore.

Given there is a lot of posts about ex wives and step kids on this site there must be a lot of OW on Mumsnet. My friend has been having an affair with married man for nearly 30 years! Apparently the wife knows and is ok with it....he gets the best of both worlds, no awkward divorce and splitting up of money

Yes. I know of 3 cases where the Cheater and other person got married after an affair.
It's still not right though.

You assume the people actually want to be together, create a whole new life, when often it’s just mutual itches that get beneficially scratched.

In my observances at the school gate , there are an awful lot of bored housewives shagging the tennis coach/gardener/handy neighbour/kids friends SAH dad. She likes the attention; he likes the baubles she buys.

From my observances at work, there are an awful lot of young(er) women who see an older (married) man as a useful step up the career ladder - they both know it's not the real deal. He has his ego stroked, she likes the baubles he buys.

Actually, whilst he is shagging his secretary, the wife is probably shagging the staff at David Lloyd.

Every one turns a blind eye. Everyone keeps their happy lifestyle. See, people are lazy, they wont work at keeping relationships alive.

@Daysofpearlyspencer - that is not an affair, she is not the OW - that is an open relationship with consenting adults.

I have 2 friends whose fathers "ran off" with their secretaries. In both cases, they married and stayed together until death.

And in both cases, the children of the first marriage were left nothing in the wills: everything went to the 2nd wives and will go to the children of the second marriages.

@LakieLady , that's awful!

In contrast, it is fairly unusual for women with children to cheat. They are MUCH more likely to do the right thing and leave the existing relationships when they become unhappy.

I dont think is true. In real life, I have known lots of women who have kids AND have cheated. Women seem, imo, to be better at hiding it until they decide what they do. Then when they do leave the new relationship is kept low key. Where the men who cheat, may leave but cant seem to help announcing the new relationship to the whole world. At which point everyone knows, if they get away with it at all.

Just look at relationship boards. Theres regular threads from married women with kids who are having or in the berge of having an affair. The advice is over whelmingly, to leave the marriage or stop the affair, but dont tell the husband either way. In real life it's the same. Men are expected to come clean, women are given a pass to hide it further.

Yes, two. My father had an affair for a good while before my mother found out and a bitter fight ensued. He is happily married to the OW, who was also married at the time. Together for over 20 years, still going strong, and so much happier than he'd ever been. The OW is lovely, whereas my mother is very bitter.

I was the OW, too. A difficult start for about 2 years while every bond between him and his ex were severed (not married, no kids, but had been together a long time and property involved), but we stuck it out and are now married with children.

@Fontofnoknowledge

Excellent, insightful post. Of course, with generalisations there are outliers. But what I have observed in RL mirrors what you say.

Especially, between leaving children and I would add, their social life. We split due to a dead marriage, no affair partners and my EXDH is really struggling with both those aspects.

I know of a couple who did it. They've been married 10 years with 2 kids, together now for 13 years seems to be working out! It's certainly one if the more secure and happy relationships I know. Not every situation is black and white.

I was. By the time I knew I was the OW I was desperately and pathetically in love. I had moved to a new big city in a new big job and was very young. It was a colleague who told me he had a fiancé elsewhere. I was floored. I looked an utter dick.

I should have walked away but couldn’t bring myself to do it. He kind of denied it and said he’d told me. No shame or sorrow at all. He spent a lot of time ‘choosing’. He was also utterly selfish, horrible and manipulative (he was and remains a damaged man). After a few more months he said he loved me which kept me hanging. He then moved in with fiancé and still I hung on. It didn’t work. He moved out to give us a shot. That didn’t work either. Part of me hated him for everything he’d done and couldn’t forgive him. We broke up. I came back for more several times as no one matched up to the intoxicating feelings I had for him.

I found out shortly after we split for good that his fiancé was pregnant. The dates meant there was definite overlap with me. He’d been cheating on me with her. No surprise really. Utterly unconscionable man. Boy really, he was young too - 24/25/26.

It was an education very early in what not to do in love. I am married to someone the complete opposite now who is wonderful. I am insecure and being with another insecure damaged person couldn’t possibly work. I tolerated being the Ow because of my own insecurities and particular vulnerability at the time. And also because he was intoxicating - for all his slightly psychopathic behaviour he was the funniest person I’ve ever met and physically the most addictive sex ever. I wish to god I had behaved differently but wouldn’t rush too judge because I know too well just how powerful those things can be. It’s utterly addictive sometimes and makes you do crazy things you wouldn’t do in your right mind.

And now as a parent I’m determined to being up girls whose self worth stops them from ever thinking the OW role is good enough for them. That is the silver lining to an awful experience.

In contrast, it is fairly unusual for women with children to cheat. They are MUCH more likely to do the right thing and leave the existing relationships when they become unhappy.

Depending on where you get your statistics, women are just as likely to have a bit on the side as men, they are just much cleverer at hiding it.

Stereotyping, men are more likely to take what is handed on a plate, women will cheat when emotional needs arent being met, but both will take the opportunity if they thought they wouldnt get caught.

I have seen statistics as high as 1 in 10 children do not have their 'bio' or natural father on their birth certificate, he has been cuckolded. That is ridiculously high. Other studies say 1 in 50, which is more likely. But it does look like its much higher

While the figure derived, which equates to 1 in 50 British dads, may seem scarily high, the study actually suggests men across the land should breathe a sigh of relief: researchers expected the rate to be almost five times higher.

Dr Maarten Larmuseau, a researcher in KU Leuven University's laboratory of Biodiversity and lead author on the study, said that this expectation was born from the high incidence of female infidelity in humans (estimated to be 5–27pc for people younger than 30-years old),

www.telegraph.co.uk/family/parenting/one-in-50-british-fathers-unknowingly-raise-another-mans-child/

We really do need to get women off this saintly pedestool

Yes. I know about 5 couples who got together like this and stayed together for life. They seem happy.

Surely OP the best thing to do is to say to him that he needs to go off and sort out his marriage before you'll have anything to do with him. Either work on it and stay with his wife and possibly children. Or agree that isn't working and then split up.

Just starting up with someone else even if your marriage is shit is disrespectful, messy and terrible for the kids. Nobody is saying stay in a terrible marriage, but be a grown up and sort things out first

I think it normally works out, sadly.

3 of my friends in seemingly happy marriages were gunned off for OW and are still with the OW.

My cousin met the 'OW' at work, they went to have what you would call and emotional affair. He was not married but in a relationship. I guess it was a classic exit affair, he was pretty unhappy where he was with his girlfriend at the time. Yes the timing was crap and he is certainly not proud of how things developed. He had zero history of cheating. He broke up with the girlfriend and left his job to give himself space and generally for him to mentally get his shit together. He and the OW actually did not see each other again for over a year where they then ended up meeting again at an industry conference. They still had feelings for each other and started dating. Fast forward 15 years and three children later they are about as solid as a couple can get. Nobody I know refers to her as the OW.

I've name changed, but it worked out for me, 4 years in and we are totally happy with the situation, neither of us will leave our partners and are happy with what we have
I also see other men for short flings all of whom are married as am I

I know one couple - they were both married when they started their affair. I know the OW and her marriage was not to great, not sure about his. They ended up divorcing their spouses and moved in together. They have now been together for about 8 or 9 years and married for the last 6.

Sadly, my exH and his now wife seem to be blissfully happy and still quite loved up after 8 years. He left me after an 8 month affair with her. Our DC are now nearly all adults and he sees less and less of them at his choice, including our DS2 who has SN. Good job I don’t rely on karma as it’s not happening! She has 3 divorces behind her as well. I think this is her longest marriage yet.

FIL had an affair and a child with his secretary and was then married to her for over 30 years before his death. MIL became very bitter and never moved on which seriously affected DHs siblings ability to form stable relationships IMO. FILs father did exactly the same thing (and was married to 2nd for 40 years).
SIL has just left after 20 years marriage for a much younger man after several affairs.
Maybe it'll work out, maybe not.

Yes, my mum. She has had two sexual partners in her life. My dad, who she was with for ten years, and my step dad, who she was with for thirty five years.

My dad has now been with my step mum for nearly forty years, they're the kind of tight unit that makes you petrified about how they will cope when the other one dies.

How weird to imagine that the perfect person is the one you married at age 21 when knowing fuck all about yourself or the world. I look at my parents now and wonder how they managed ten minutes married, never mind ten years.

My childhood was mostly wonderful and my son has four beloved grandparents to love and to learn from instead of two.

No need for vile, misogynist tropes about 'other women' round here, we were all raised as feminists.