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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone has ever been the Other Woman...and had it work out?

236 replies

Birdtablegreen · 16/08/2019 07:31

Just that really - have you ever been the OW (or know anyone who has) and you have ended up in a serious, long lasting relationship with him? And did you worry that he would do the same and did he/has he? Name change for this one but would rather not give details as could be outing even so...

OP posts:
EmptyOrchestra · 18/08/2019 02:00

With respect, ten years is not that long. It could well be too early to make that call.

We’ve been married for 10 years. We’ve been together more than 15 years. We were mid 20s, now 40. We have been through bereavements of parents, serious health issues, two children who are both disabled. We’ve been through very difficult times and are still standing.

With respect, we have a much healthier, longer relationship than many. It’s not too early to “make the call” on whether our relationship is a good one, or whether it’s a better one than the awful relationships we left. Even if our relationship ended now, we’ve had 15+ happy years together and two children.

Mileysmiley · 18/08/2019 02:04

I have never been the other woman but someone once accused me of trying to take her husband away her. I would never do that and if they actually thought that he must have given them a good reason to think that not me.

Mileysmiley · 18/08/2019 02:04

away from her

sofato5miles · 18/08/2019 03:09

@IABUQueen what do mean current trend?

It was ever thus.

sofato5miles · 18/08/2019 06:57

And think perhsps you would have been as hurt by your DH leaving because he didn't love you as by him leaving for an OW.

This blanket, "in an unhappy marriage just leave" is really, really not that simple. It took me 10 years, 10 sodding years due to other family and societal pressures. And I cannot tell you how many women have told me that I am brave to have done it.

notacooldad · 18/08/2019 07:30

EmptyOrchestra
With respect, ten years is not that long. It could well be too early to make that call
It's a heck lot longer than a lot of marriages that I know that have failed!!

itsmecathycomehome · 18/08/2019 07:37

"This blanket, "in an unhappy marriage just leave" is really, really not that simple. It took me 10 years, 10 sodding years due to other family and societal pressures."

Making the decision to leave is hard, but anyone with an ounce of integrity, honesty and strength of character will do that rather than lining up someone else first. IME society and family usually judge you harder for sneaking around and lying to everyone in order to fuck someone else on the side.

BowToYourQueen · 18/08/2019 07:49

I was the ow and was married at the time. I left my (now ex) husband and got on with my life. My dp left his wife about 8 months later so only then did we get together. That was over 3 years ago now. I trust him completely and vice verser

sofato5miles · 18/08/2019 07:50

@itsmecathycomehome. Interesting inflammatory language ( it might not be someone "just to fuck"). I didn't. But I am just saying that, yes, affairs are wrong but I understand difficult it is too leave. I have more than an ounce of the attributes you listed, thanks. It took much, much more than that. And everyone, EVERYONE had an opinion and begged me to reconsider. If I had an affair I would have been vilified but leaving because I was unhappy was not enough for many too. You would not believe how many people have secretly confessed to being unhappy but not brave enough, once they know I would understand.

Life can be very complicated, sadly.

Eustasiavye · 18/08/2019 09:20

I know of lots of affair couples where the relationship did not last. I suppose we tend to focus on the ones that did last.
Lots of couples stay together even through adultery. I’ve got several friends with ( mostly deceased) parents who cheated throughout their marriage but never divorced.

redcarbluecar · 18/08/2019 09:29

My brother and SIL split up when SIL met someone else and had a brief affair which acted as a catalyst for her to leave an unhappy marriage. My bro later started seeing a married woman and the same happened. Both have now been married to the ‘new’ partners for 25 years, so things did work out despite a set of messy circumstances back then.

itsmecathycomehome · 18/08/2019 11:26

"I trust him completely and vice verser [sic]"

It's amazing how many people trust someone who has proven themselves to be inarguably untrustworthy.

BitOfANameChange · 18/08/2019 11:48

Many women in particular find it very hard to just leave an unhappy marriage because of outside pressures, especially if abuse is in the mix. If there are children, the pressure to remain together "for the kids" can be high from extended family, that you have to "work at relationships".

So I don't condemn exit affairs, they can often given people the hope that they can leave, and find a new life. Because humans are complicated, nothing is as black and white as those who spout the "once a cheat" crap would have us believe. And circumstances matter, each situation is different.

As for me, I left a 30 year relationship, due to abuse. I never cheated, still haven't even kissed anyone else since, let alone had a new relationship. And I still got a load of pressure from people about if I'd done the right thing, etc. Although my family were happy as they'd never liked him but had bitten their tongues in order to avoid ex trying to isolate me from them.

squeakyboy · 18/08/2019 14:41

Dh really struggled to leave his previous relationship, he was incredibly unhappy, she suggested they had children, and that was the catalyst to end the relationship - they went through counselling, no matter how hard he tried he couldn't change how he felt. He met me and ended the relationship with her immediately, she didn't believe that we had only started seeing each other and she was devastated. Dh has since learned to be more assertive in his dealings with people.

Fontofnoknowledge · 18/08/2019 14:52

*Itsmecathycomehome
*
It's amazing how many people trust someone who has proven themselves to be inarguably untrustworthy.

That goes for all cases does it. ? What a phenomenally blinkered understanding of human relationships.

mistermagpie · 18/08/2019 15:02

I wasn't the OW but my (now) DH was the OM. It was very much an exit affair and I ended it with my exDH within a couple of weeks of starting things with my nowDH. I'm not now, nor have I ever been, sorry. My exDH never knew about me cheating and our relationship was a dead duck by then anyway, we had no kids either and he wasn't a very nice guy.

I've been married to my nowDH for more than twice as long as my previous marriage lasted, we have two (and a half - I'm pregnant now) beautiful children, a great marriage and a really happy life. I have no regrets, leaving my first DH was the best thing I've ever done and I might have wasted more time in that relationship had I not got together with my nowDH.

People can judge all they like, I'm not bothered and neither is DH (although he was at first), he trusts me completely and we both know I would never cheat on him.

itsmecathycomehome · 18/08/2019 16:11

"we both know I would never cheat on him."

Unless, at some point in the future, you started to feel unhappy I assume?

"That goes for all cases does it. ? What a phenomenally blinkered understanding of human relationships."

Not really. Once someone has proven themselves capable of lying and betraying, particularly if it's over a long period of time, I just assume that that's something they could do again.

mistermagpie · 18/08/2019 16:31

As I said, you can judge if you like, or think I'm not to be trusted if you want to - you don't know me or my relationship

And no I wouldn't cheat on my now DH, it's a totally different relationship and I'm a different person from who I was years ago. There is no comparison.

squeakyboy · 18/08/2019 16:38

I have been tempted to cheat - a long time ago. I told dh that I was developing feelings for someone else and that soon put an end to it. Dh trusted me to spend a week with him, doing up a flat for sale...

JacquesHammer · 18/08/2019 16:40

I would be very concerned, not about the likelihood of repeat cheating, but if they’d spun the “oh I’m so unhappy in my marriage” line, I’d wonder about their ability for reasonable and adult communication.

mistermagpie · 18/08/2019 18:55

I see what you mean Jaques but remember, there are two people in a marriage and you can't communicate with yourself. I was miserable for months and my husband literally refused to speak to me about it. He blanked me or left the room. Sometimes other people make us unhappy despite our best efforts, and then in my case I stopped making an effort myself and ended up cheating.

JacquesHammer · 18/08/2019 18:58

I see what you mean Jaques but remember, there are two people in a marriage and you can't communicate with yourself

But you can always say “this is over.”

Woodlandwitch · 18/08/2019 19:00

I was

Obviously a long backstory which has meant that we’ve luckily been wholeheartedly supported by our families and we are now together

peachgreen · 18/08/2019 19:07

@JacquesHammer I think that's a reasonable point actually. DH and I had counselling ahead of getting married and one of the things we discussed was precisely that - how his lack of communication had led to his first marriage ending in such a bad way and how he needed to learn from that. He is a massive conflict avoider and never raised that there were any issues until it was too late. Their marriage would have failed regardless (they just weren't compatible in so many ways) but he should have ended it a long time before he met me. I'm confident he's learned that lesson.

mistermagpie · 18/08/2019 19:08

But you can always say “this is over.”

You can. But, as other people on this thread have pointed out, relationships are often more complex than that and people do messy things.

As I said originally, I'm not proud of it either but I'm not sorry about cheating, I never have been. I don't feel guilty and don't regret it. It was the best decision I have ever made. That may be unpalatable to a lot of people but I'm not out to impress anyone, I was simply responding to the OP.