To ask if anyone has ever been the Other Woman...and had it work out?

[Birdtablegreen]

Just that really - have you ever been the OW (or know anyone who has) and you have ended up in a serious, long lasting relationship with him? And did you worry that he would do the same and did he/has he? Name change for this one but would rather not give details as could be outing even so...

CornishMaid spooky, that could my exH!

A couple at work are really happy. They met (and started the relationship) while he was married. I know of a few others.

I was the OW. He was in an abusive marriage (I knew this through mutual friends before I met him- They'd seen his wife attacking him in public). It was bloody hard- he was both physically and mentally scarred when he came to me, and he actually returned to her once for a few months. That was so, so horrible. But it's a long time ago now, and we're very happy.

I know of loads. I don't think it's uncommon actually. I don't believe once a cheat always a cheat. It's true in some cases but a lot of people grow and learn from their mistakes.

In contrast, it is fairly unusual for women with children to cheat. They are MUCH more likely to do the right thing and leave the existing relationships when they become unhappy.

Can't say that statement tallies with my observations and experiences. I have seen plenty of times women who have absolutely no intention of leaving a marriage settling for long term affairs with a casual bit on the side. Even on here when someone starts one of those 'change your name and tell a secret' type of threads there are plenty of women confessing long term affairs.

Apart from that I agree with the rest of your post.

'Marry the mistress and create a vacancy'. My dad cheated on my mum with his OW who he later married. Karma found a way and they separated two years ago. She cheated on him. He lost everything because he always put her first and as such he lost me, and my children who he has never met.

My uncle had been married three times, twice to OW, each time he cheated. My aunt who he is married too now was married (unhappily) with two children. To be honest, even ten years on they are both cheaters to me and I'm waiting for the call to say one or the other has done it again.

My now SIL married my brother in law, having left her poor fiancé for my rich BIL. Her life is now one of constant holidays and threats to leave him if her lifestyle isn't maintained.

Yep, my friend. She started fucking her married boss four years ago. He fed her the typical married man lines ‘we haven’t had sex for years/I’m not in love with her anymore but it’s hard to leave because of the DC’ etc. I never thought he would leave his wife but he did after six months. They’re still together now and look fairly happy, it’s her longest relationship to date anyway.

I don’t think I could trust someone who had already cheated on his spouse/partner personally, I’d always be thinking I was next.

A friend of mine was once the OW. They have now been married for 30 years and still live each other very very much.

I know someone who was the OW, eventually he left his wife, they’ve been together 10 years or so. On paper it’s worked out, but every time I see her, she complains about how his parents asked after ExW again, all his friends still treat her as OW. She got disinvited from a birthday party (mutual friend) as it turned out ExW wanted to go. I just can’t imagine being happy in a relationship like that.

It is very complex on many levels.

Despite being cheated on myself, I understand there are valid reasons why some relationships 'over lap'. People stay in dead marriages for all sorts of reasons; illness, children, abuse etc..

Just last year two good friends of mine, each in a marriage, extracted themselves from the respective marriages and then got together. I know for a fact for both of them, their marriages were in the death throes for a number of years and for different reasons. As soon as they both realised they had feelings for each other, after being friends for a number of years, they both decided to end their marriages before starting a relationship together. I know that seems calculated and planned, but they were both honest with their ex-spouses and explained exactly why. And there is the difference between my situation and theirs. Mine blatantly denied it for over a year and whilst it would still have been painful, I'd rather he had been honest about it rather than conduct a year of emotional abuse.

I understand people meet and fall in love etc, but there really is no need to string along an unsuspecting spouse/partner.

Yes and she was a lot younger. They’ve been happy for nearly two decades.

No cheating so none of the vacancy stuff. They were just a happier match

My ex-husband has been married to the OW since 2007 - so I guess you could say that worked out. Whether or not they are happy is an entirely different question.

My ex boss is still married to his OW, some 12 years later. He is nearly 70 though, so I doubt he's going to be doing that much more shagging around - although you never know!

A friend from a former job is still married to his OW 13 years on but they've both had affairs. So I guess its debatable as to whether that has worked out!

Charles and Camilla

Yes, I know 3 I think. All stayed the course so far (20 years in one case)

Two lots 'blended' their families. One lot had children together(were only in their 20s when they got together)

Yes and we have been happily married for 20 years - but I wasn't the only other woman he was seeing - he was involved with 2 other married women at the same time while in a long term live in relationship (he told me his shameful truth very soon (hours) after we met). He broke all the other relationships off within two weeks of us meeting each other. Do I worry about him seeing anyone else now - sometimes, not much, he has to work away from home a lot which is tough - I miss him and sometimes I wonder.
If you met us - you'd never guess our history, nobody knows that he had 4 women on the go - he just doesn't seem the type.

The thing is that MN is very keen on generalisations. They are lazy and treat all of humanity as a single entity. With single reasons for behaviour without consideration to the fact that as individuals there are also individual circumstances.

The oft trotted out lines of ;

Marrying the mistress creates a vacancy.
Once a cheat always a cheat .

Are no more accurate than ;
Leave a relationship first before starting another makes a better relationship between the children and ex spouses.

I know very many relationships where that has happened and STILL there is bitterness and anger from ex wives and children. Because No one likes rejection, no matter the circumstances that lead to it.

Peoples circumstances are also complicated and affairs happen for all kinds of reasons. It is not always a man or woman looking for a sexual thrill or to get away from a dull or boring marriage because family life can be 'too much effort'. Although that IS the case for some. Again - individuals have their own moral code. So yes , someone who enters a relationship and bails to a new one the moment a bump in the road is hit , will probably follow the same pattern again and again. but not all.

In my village alone there is a man 'having an affair' living with the 'OW'. His wife has been in a care home with a degenerative illness for over 25 yrs. He visits everyday. She has little knowledge of who he is now.. he loves her and will never divorce her . Is he wrong to find happiness? Is his partner 'the OW'. ?
My friends brother is also having an affair. He is in a very unhappy marriage with a woman with serious diagnosed OCD who will not even think about therapy. Her disorder affects him and their children. She is from Eastern Europe. If he leaves she will take the children to Estonia. He's chances of preventing this through the courts is minimal due to the lack of family support here, and the 'damage' psychologically that a court directive forbidding the removal of the children would cause. He has taken advice and been told that this is almost certainly the case. So stay married or lose your children. Is an affair that difficult to understand in those circumstances?

Would either of those people 'replace the vacancy ' or 'always be a cheat'?
I doubt it very very much.

DH's grandma had an affair after 40 years of marriage. Left DH's Grandad and married the OM. They are still married 20 years later and in their 80s. They are v happy. It ripped the family apart though and while she is happily married, two of her children cut her off, one died without reconciling and there are still ill feelings and recriminations.

Not an OW now but was when I was in my early twenties (45 now). It worked out for ten years and I never had any worries that he would go on to cheat again, his marriage was dead in the water when he met me. I left him as I didn't love him anymore, I had outgrown the relationship, no other people involved.

I'm happily married now and would never cheat on my DH and being a bit older (and a little wiser) I appreciate the hurt affairs cause and wouldn't want to live with doing that to another innocent woman.

I know a couple that have been married 30+ years after an affair, so I guess you would say it worked out. On the other hand, i don't know if he ever cheated on her and am assuming not but it does seem like all this time later she's still very insecure, especially about the ex wife (who he never sees) and she has no relationship at all with his children as a result.

Work out for whom?

Not me. But I know two.

First she was the nanny for the family. Had an affair with the husband. She ended up pregnant and they've now been married over 20 years with two children. They're a fantastic couple and a wonderful family.

Second - affair for 6 years which nobody knew anything about. All come out. They've now been married 4 years with kids.

Yes. The happiest most compatible couple I know started as an affair.

I know a couple who had an affair there still together now so maybe it does work, but I know from experience it rarely does and it's right it doesn't, my grandfather has grown up children now everywhere all over England because of his cheating. Some I've met some I never will

I’ve known a couple it worked out for. Seemingly very happy decades later.

I don’t think stereotypes are always very helpful. Conversely I’ve seen the cheated on party (a relative) bank on them being true, that her husband would surely crash and burn with his mistress, that he would cheat again, that they’d be miserable etc. she had this reinforced by the people around her. However, he remained married to his mistress/second wife and they are still together and happy, getting on with life. Meanwhile, my relative has been increasingly consumed by bitterness to the point where she’s now estranged from her children, obsessing over, and waiting for something that hasn’t happened. It’s very sad.

Relationships are unique to those involved, regardless of how they start. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. There’s no inevitability either way.