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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad my ds gf of 3 months has discovered she's 23 weeks pregnant

289 replies

Monty27 · 16/08/2019 03:01

Gf has been to abort the baby today and they refused it as she's 22+ gestation. She just found out on Monday and thought she was about 6 weeks which would have meant my ds was the father. She was still going to abort.
My ds doesn't know how to handle it. Neither do I.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 16/08/2019 12:17

I don't think the solution is either take on the child as his own and stick it out or run for the hills.
He could just proceed by just being her friend.

No romantic attachment but just being there for her.

onioncrumble · 16/08/2019 12:18

I feel for her too. I hope she knows when she reads this that lots of us are there for her.

KurriKurri · 16/08/2019 12:19

There is amiddle ground between bring in a relationshi[ and bringng up someone else's child, and the cut an run option.
He doesn;t have to be in a relationhip with her to still be her friend, he obviously cares for her, he can be a supportive friend and help her negotiate this tricky time in her life.
There's also the question of the person who is the baby's father - he may want to be involved.

I hope all turns out for the best for everyone involved.

Lemonlady22 · 16/08/2019 12:27

i worked in gynae for a few years....regardless of the law i dont know any doctor who would perform an abortion at 22 weeks plus for someone who just doesnt want a baby...its different if there is danger to the mothers life or there are severe disabilities (although nowadays this is getting rare due to the advances in screening). Above 12/14 weeks this procedure is just traumatising and even as a nurse i found it upsetting ...at 22 weeks when a baby can survive if premature it is just awful ...i could tell you a few stories. I believe abortion is a choice, but a doctor has a choice in this too, and as 2 doctors have to agree on this then i think thats right. Its sad for this woman, but in the long term its probably good she has been refused

WestBerlin · 16/08/2019 12:30

If the doctor she went to didn’t want to perform it fine, that’s their choice. They are still obliged, while she is within the legal limit, to refer her to a doctor that will.

Depending on what she wants to do, she can contact Marie Stopes to refer her to someone who would see her post haste.

lau888 · 16/08/2019 12:33

If the girlfriend decides to raise the baby and she and OP's son choose to stay together, it is possible for OP's son to choose to become the legal father. As a previous poster has said, being named on the birth certificate as the father is enough to acquire legal rights - you don't have to be the biological father.

To be honest, at most, I think the girlfriend might choose to continue to date OP's son. It seems more likely that, even if OP's son would like to continue to be involved, the relationship will naturally start to drift. The pregnancy is likely a huge shock for the girlfriend and, as other posters have said, she may have little spare energy or emotion for anyone or anything else. Not OP's son's fault.

Perhaps the kindest thing to say would simply be that, even if things don't work out now, it doesn't mean they might not end up together in the future - when everyone has had time to adjust to their new realities. x

PumpkinP · 16/08/2019 12:52

Some of these comments Confused if this was my son I would be telling him to run FAST!

MartiniDry · 16/08/2019 12:53

A friend discovered that she was pregnant at 22 weeks. She opted for termination which resulted in a very quickly arranged NHS dating scan followed by many attempts to find a private clinic which would carry out such a late operation and which had an available theatre slot.

All she was able to do was go from clinic to clinic and sit in the waiting room in the hope of a cancellation. One day she was waiting in the Midlands, the next in Norfolk.
She obtained a theatre slot at 23 weeks and 6 days.

So, it is possible to have a short notice termination at close on 24 weeks but it's very difficult.

With regard to your son, I believe that he is making the right decision for himself and in your position I would be supporting him in that.

CrotchetyQuaver · 16/08/2019 12:57

What an awful situation for everyone involved OP.

I guess they couldn't carry out the abortion because it's a different more specialist procedure involving a GA for further advanced pregnancies and the clinic they went to wasn't set up for it.

All you can do is support your son, the GF could still terminate the pregnancy and the relationship carry on once they're over this shock, who knows?

NoSauce · 16/08/2019 13:20

I do feel the woman though. She’s got to be feeling worried and confused. I hope she’s got a good relationship with her parents/family.

ladymariner · 16/08/2019 13:22

If i were the op my only concern would be for my ds. Yes, it's not a good situation but it's ultimately nothing to do with ds. It's not his baby, and they've only been together 3 months. I would be advising him to steer well clear.

NoSauce · 16/08/2019 13:26

Me too ladymariner, I can’t understand how anyone would be encouraging this or leaving them to it. He will do what he wants though even that is making a monumental mistake.

chocorabbit · 16/08/2019 13:28

If he is named as the father won't he be responsible for maintenance until the child turns 18? He is young and the relationship can easily break down. He will still be tied in to a child that he might not want to see anymore.

Celaeno · 16/08/2019 13:28

Whatever we feel for the woman, the OP’s priority is her son, and his priority should be himself. It doesn’t mean he’s being cruel or uncaring. It’s not his child and he’s only been with the gf 3 months so it’s not even a long term relationship. No one can blame him for not wanting to take this situation on

flashdancer19 · 16/08/2019 13:28

23 isn’t that young. And what a stinking attitude to “not want to raise another mans child”!
I understand if three months in you think it’s too much too soon etc. But to immediately go to the stance he has makes him sound like an immature prick. The baby is still hers. And she has a fucking terrifying future and the boyfriend is making it all about his hurt pride. If that were my son I’d be giving him a kick up the arse.

I cannot actually believe someone has posted this!!

He's been seeing her three months..... of course it's about him, he's not in a LTR, married or anything.

You'd expect your son to co parent with a short term girlfriend who is having an unwanted baby that's his not the father of?

OPs son is not this girls saviour, ok I would say remain friends if you want, offer a friendship but actually there is absolutely no shame whatsoever if you decide this relationship is not for you.

wildcherries · 16/08/2019 13:31

I think it's entirely fair that he isn't ready to parent another man's child at his age and not having known about the pregnancy.

I do feel sorry for her. It must be a shock.

CaramelWayfarer · 16/08/2019 13:33

I doubt she has been told flat no to an abortion. Now they realise she is 22 weeks and this is more of a big deal for everyone involved they probably have sent her away to start another process which involves counselling and seeing other docs for advice and think more about her decision.

I feel sad for those who do not have close relationships with their DS's. I'm really close to mine and they tell me anything. My DB's are 55 and 60 years old and still call me and my dad up with issues they know they can trust us with and get support for. How sad. No wonder men can't deal with stress.

CaramelWayfarer · 16/08/2019 13:35

stinking attitude

Also bollocks to this. She doesn't like him enough to keep what she thought was his baby. He doesn't need to explain himself about not wanting to father someone else baby. The real Dad needs to now step up.

Aprillygirl · 16/08/2019 13:36

Some of these comments confused if this was my son I would be telling him to run FAST!

You can't tell a 23yr old what to do. You can only advise and hope.

SockMachine · 16/08/2019 13:43

timshelfthechoice “Double standards.”
Only if it the exact same posters giving different responses. The whole point of MN is that differ t people say different things. MN is not one mind, one voice.

choco why on earth would the OP’s Ds be named as the father if he decides to continue the relationship?

Surely this whole thread is about the OP supporting her Ds to come to his own decision, not to tell her what to tell her Ds to do.

Celaeno · 16/08/2019 13:47

MN is a strange world... you get posters who think the actual father of a child can barely be trusted to change a nappy, look after the baby or be involved in any decision making until the kid is about 5. And then you get someone who thinks a young man in his early twenties is behaving appallingly if he doesn’t unquestioningly take on someone else’s kid with a girlfriend he’s only been seeing for 3 months!
Talk about the whole spectrum of ridiculousness

AutumnColours9 · 16/08/2019 13:50

I would stand by him whatever his decision and also have sympathy for the girlfriend. Having lost 2 babies at that stage it is a terrible experience as you have to give birth to a full formed baby. Must be very difficult to be in her position. If my son stood by them I would fully support them.

pictish · 16/08/2019 13:51

Yes ‘stinking attitude’ - absolutely fuck off with that. You are outrageous to say it!
They didn’t want a baby together and that was decided! But now he’s obliged to raise someone else’s baby with her because....well, I’m not sure why. To be nice?! Because it’s fucking polite??
I have no idea what notion would promote such an opinion.

NoMrsLevinson · 16/08/2019 13:55

We don't even know that the GF wants him to parent her child anyway. They've been together barely any time at all, she can't know him that well and it isn't his.

PumpkinP · 16/08/2019 13:58

It’s ok for her to not want the baby as she wanted an abortion but couldn’t (??) have one but if he doesn’t want to parent a baby that isn’t even his he gets judged! Only on MN!

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