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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad my ds gf of 3 months has discovered she's 23 weeks pregnant

289 replies

Monty27 · 16/08/2019 03:01

Gf has been to abort the baby today and they refused it as she's 22+ gestation. She just found out on Monday and thought she was about 6 weeks which would have meant my ds was the father. She was still going to abort.
My ds doesn't know how to handle it. Neither do I.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
StitchingMoss · 16/08/2019 04:29

Another one who’s saying he should gently let her go. Too much to expect him to take on someone else’s child at his age.

Poor girl. What a mess Sad.

Sunflowers211 · 16/08/2019 04:29

I think his gf knew she was pregnant when she met your son @Monty27

Think your DS needs to do what best for him, very difficult situation to be in.

Queenofthestress · 16/08/2019 04:36

I was just shy of 18 weeks when I found out I was pregnant with my son, and if I'd not gone to the doctors for my 6 monthly check-up I probably wouldn't have known until I was in labour, I didn't show at all and hadn't had a proper period in a year because I was on the pill so I know how it happens! Just support him as much as possible, it's got to be a shock

EerieSilence · 16/08/2019 04:42

If he’s an adult, let him handle the situation and decide if he wants to be there for her or leave.
Don’t let Mumsnet sway you either way. MILs who meddle are a cliche for a reason.

OkPedro · 16/08/2019 04:46

I didn’t show at 23 weeks on my first pregnancy
..
Anyway.. I agree with your ds i wouldn’t want to raise a child that wasn’t mine in such an early relationship. I’d advise my son to respectfully end the relationship. Not easy for your son monty27 Best of luck to you Flowers

sincethereis · 16/08/2019 05:05
  1. STD check
  2. Run
pinkdelight · 16/08/2019 05:35

"I think his gf knew she was pregnant when she met your son @Monty27"

That's incredibly cynical. And unlikely, iven that she clearly wanted an abortion, so wouldn't have left it this late.

In any case, she must be reeling. The DS must be too but he can and I think should walk away. He will of course have feelings for her but it's a huge shock and shift in what he signed up for. Even if she decides to have the dc adopted, it's a lot for a new relationship to weather. I'd be supportive but if asked, counsel him to step back and let her deal with the issue unclouded by the complications of romance. She unfortunately has to get her head into a new reality and as your DS is clear the prospect is not for him, better to nip it in the bud now.

NoSauce · 16/08/2019 05:37

How old is he?

Horehound · 16/08/2019 05:40

@Myfoolishboatisleaning it days in the op! She's too far along.

saffy1234 · 16/08/2019 05:41

What an awful situation.I highly doubt she knew she was pregnant,and turned up for an abortion knowing she was this pregnant the poor girl.How old are they OP.
Can i just say OP how wonderfully non judgmental and kind you are,you seem to genuinely care about not only DS but the GF aswell.Thanks

Franklymydearidontgiveadam · 16/08/2019 05:43

Poor baby in all of this too.

SunniDay · 16/08/2019 05:48

Hi,
I would just tell your son that you will support him whatever he decides and that he doesn't need to decide right now.

If you tell him to walk away (and encourage him to get an STI check as some suggesting) and he decides to stay and they go on to be a family your reaction will never be forgotten.

Even though you care enormously it isn't your decision to make.

Original poster
Monty27 · 16/08/2019 05:51

Thank you everyone for posting. It's not a situation you could prepare yourself for. DS is 23 and Gf is 20.

OP posts:
User10fuckingmillion · 16/08/2019 05:57

Some women are in labour before they know they are pregnant.
Poor girl.

MarshaBradyo · 16/08/2019 05:59

What a tough situation. I hope she has good support from her family.

user1480880826 · 16/08/2019 06:03

You need to make sure your son realise it’s ok to leave her. The worst thing would be for him to stay out of a feeling of obligation. He could end up stuck for life with someone he doesn’t love and raising a child that isn’t his.

Make sure he knows he won’t be judged for leaving her.

NoSauce · 16/08/2019 06:20

They’re both so young. He has to decide himself the right thing to do and it’s not clear cut when you’re young and have feelings for someone. He’s got his whole life ahead of him, he’s only been with her 3 months and she’s 22 weeks pregnant plus she’s only 20. In your shoes OP I would be talking to him and trying to make him look at 5,10, years down the line.

Does she have a close relationship with her family? Poor woman must be so worried and what about the baby’s father, where’s he in all of this? That is something I would be talking DS about OP, whether he potentially wants the baby’s dad in his life should they stay together.

SunshineCake · 16/08/2019 06:32

Whatever the outcome a little reminder to him about condoms for the protection of babies and diseases in the future. You sound calm, OP, he'll be fine.

onioncrumble · 16/08/2019 06:37

If he wants a relationship with her, he will need to be a big part of the child's life. I am shocked by the hateful comments about her, suggesting she is cunning, dishonest and probably riddled with the clap. FFS, it happens, it's done and she is a vulnerable, alone, human. Have empathy and kindness in your hearts, for the OP, I think if he's adult enough to be in this relationship, he needs to talk to the right people, not run to his mummy to be told what to do next. With the greatest respect, this is the business of a few people, not including us or the OP.

pictish · 16/08/2019 06:39

I would be urging my son to end things with his gf, for whom I do feel very sorry. I have no doubt this turn of events is going to shake her to the core and her life is going to face some big and unexpected challenges. Poor lassie.
But yes, truth be told I’d want my son out of the equation so his young life isn’t limited for the sake of a three month relationship and a baby that isn’t his. Not at 23.

ArtichokeAardvark · 16/08/2019 06:41

My cousin was placed in a similar situation. Met a girl who only discovered at 6 months that she was pregnant by her ex (in her defence, she hardly showed even at full term).

He (cousin) was head over heels for her and is a really decent guy who wanted a family soon anyway so he stayed with her and the child has his surname (the bio dad ran for the hills). But, it was really, really hard, not least when the child got older and found out the truth.

OP, how old is your son? I think that makes a difference, whether he's ready to settle down and be a father.

pictish · 16/08/2019 06:42

He is 23.

ArtichokeAardvark · 16/08/2019 06:43

I've just read your the thread. If they are in their early twenties, I'm not sure I'd be counselling him to stay. My cousin was in his mid thirties so a totally different stage of life.

TanMateix · 16/08/2019 06:47

I would keep my mouth shut. He is an adult, he can decide to do whatever he wants to do. There is not “I told you so here”.

She doesn’t have to be a cunning person for that to happen. If she is, just hope your son realises soon either way, try not to influence your son by disrespecting her/asking him to leave, as doing so may make him more entrenched to stay.

MarshaBradyo · 16/08/2019 06:50

Listen to him but he mostly has to arrive at his own conclusion. It’s new and a shock. He might provide support for a while as it sinks in.