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Original poster

To be sad my ds gf of 3 months has discovered she's 23 weeks pregnant

289 replies

Monty27 · 16/08/2019 03:01

Gf has been to abort the baby today and they refused it as she's 22+ gestation. She just found out on Monday and thought she was about 6 weeks which would have meant my ds was the father. She was still going to abort.
My ds doesn't know how to handle it. Neither do I.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Work12 · 16/08/2019 14:14

I haven't read through the full thread, just half of it. I think (not just her responsibility) but she should be using more contraception, she was going to abort your sons baby and she was already pregnant so didn't use contraception with previous partner either. Red flags and std check for your son

daisyboocantoo · 16/08/2019 14:15

OP, you sound lovely, and I hope that I would react the same way in your shoes.
I do feel for all of you. Such a unexpected turn of events.

Work12 · 16/08/2019 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

1forAll74 · 16/08/2019 14:29

Your son has decisions to make, but it hasn't been mentioned what the GF feels about your son, or what she would like to happen,But hopefully she will know who the Father is.

NoMrsLevinson · 16/08/2019 14:36

If my son had a girlfriend who was sensible enough to want an abortion when experiencing an unplanned pregnancy barely a few weeks into the relationship, frankly that would be a point in her favour.

PennyNotSoWise · 16/08/2019 14:38

This place is batshit Confused

Remember the thread not long ago about the 22 year old woman being embarrassed to announce she was pregnant because people would know she'd been having sex? She'd been with her partner 3 months and everyone piled on to slate her, saying they'd be more embarrassed about being pregnant by someone she's been with for 12 mere weeks.

Yet posters on this thread seem to think OP's son, who has been with this woman a mere 12 weeks should accept a kid that's not even his and not be a dick for running for the hills?

Only on Mumsnet eh?

NoMrsLevinson · 16/08/2019 14:45

There have only been a handful of posts suggesting DS has any obligation to be involved, and they've been roundly criticised. The general view on this thread is that there's nothing wrong with his stance.

JacksonCage · 16/08/2019 14:46

Work12 that is a dreadful and cruel way to talk about someone.

Why, in the case of surprise pregnancies, and in 2019, is the woman still blamed? Also stop blaming her for choosing the abortion route. Presumably this was done after discussion with the OP's son?

Also, I'm so glad that I and countless others have the right to choose, rather than having somebody else's view about abortion imposed on us, so please don't judge anyone else's rationale for wanting an abortion.

whattodowith · 16/08/2019 14:46

she didn’t like him enough to have his baby

I mean, she’s known him for twelve weeks so probably didn’t think it was a sensible idea to have his baby. I don’t think it’s anything to do with liking OP’s DS or not really. She’s obviously not ready to be a parent at this stage in her life either.

So many posters are judging this poor woman. For all we know she has the implant/coil/injection/ takes her pill religiously so hasn’t just slept around without protection.

If you google ‘termination after 20 weeks’ the only info you can find is termination for medical reasons. Barely anyone does this because they don’t want to be a parent. It’s such a traumatic experience. My friend had one at 26 weeks for medical reasons (the baby was going to be hugely deformed) and it was by far the worst thing that has ever happened to her, scarred her for life.

Having a first trimester termination can be emotionally difficult but physically its generally straight forward. This woman is mid second trimester almost at the cut off. Some babies born at 23 weeks survive.

MarshaBradyo · 16/08/2019 14:53

He doesn’t have to stay, it’s up to him. Not many have said he should so not sure why only on Mumsnet gets dragged up.

It’s good he is turning to the op for support. She sounds like she’s being kind about it.

More posts have been very harsh about the young woman and conjuring various things up - I disagree with that.

Missingstreetlife · 16/08/2019 14:59

So name of clinic that does may be useful. Has she tried charities that help, bpas, Marie stopes?

Hopefullyendsmeet · 16/08/2019 15:04

Fucking hell. This thread is awful.

As been said before: there is a world of difference aborting at 6 weeks and 22.

Also, to the posters coldly decrying this young woman for getting pregnant, there is not a woman in the world who WANTS to have an abortion. FFS.

SirVixofVixHall · 16/08/2019 15:07

I agree this sounds odd. Didn’t she see her GP first ? I thought pregnancy tests didn’t work past a certain gestation. I wonder whether she has had her head in the sand about this, but does want the baby, or is conflicted. I know some people don’t show, but something isn’t quite adding up. Twenty is young to have an unexpected pregnancy, maybe she really doesn’t know what to do, maybe she isn’t being truthful because she is all over the place , scared, or panicking.

Longlongsummer · 16/08/2019 15:15

I’d advise my son not to confuse feelings of love with feeling responsible.

One of my Exes got involved with a pregnant woman and ended up marrying her out of feeling
Like a super hero savior
Responsible and unable to leave her.

She was and is a manipulative horrible woman, and saw him as a soft guy, a meal ticket for life. Which she got.

It was an awful way into a relationship and my ex has many many issues which are now life long. He adopted the daughter and she’s continued to manipulate him as a young adult. She also had a kid young and got another man in and when he refused to marry her she got her Dad to pay. He said to me he couldn’t bear starting again as he felt totally used up and done. He’s still alone and confused and bitter.

I’m not saying your sons GF is manipulative but this is a very dangerous situation emotionally. Young gf, alone, pregnant, your DS, good guy too I presume? He could feel like a real hero for all the wrong reasons.

jennymanara · 16/08/2019 15:16

Bloody hell I agree this thread is awful.
OP your DS is an adult man. All you can do is stand back and let him and his GF make their own decisions.
All this bollocks about what you should be advising them to do, as if your DS was 15. No wonder we get threads on MN about awful interfering MILs.

Longlongsummer · 16/08/2019 15:22

I definitely would be advising my DS if he were 20. Why wouldn’t you?

This isn’t a small matter and it’s not about putting down his GF.

It’s about a decision that could very strongly impact her sons life. His whole future. I wish my Exes mother had given him some advice. He was 20 and his GF was 20. They are still young enough not to have life experience.

I’m sure and I hope the GF has good advice and support from her own parents too.

jennymanara · 16/08/2019 15:24

The DS is 23. It is only your place to give advice if he seeks it.

Longlongsummer · 16/08/2019 15:39

Some things are too important to hold back. Of course she can give her advice. I definitely would. I grew up with very laid back parents who said everything was up to me, and gosh do I wish now they’d at least cared enough to impart wisdom and reassurance in my 20s.

I felt very alone and became very self contained. Many young men are not used to asking for advice.

Instinctively you know this is a big deal OP. He needs to hear very clearly that being a big hero and becoming Mr Dad is not a good idea for either of them.

If despite this he chooses this path, of course you would still support him. I imagine.

jennymanara · 16/08/2019 15:41

I grew up with a mum who would have advised me strongly. I ignored her advice as soon as I left home. If I had been in this situation I would have sought advice from friends, but ignored what my mother said.

Hopefullyendsmeet · 16/08/2019 15:43

@Longlongsummer

How old was your ex when this evil witch got him under her spell? I’m presuming he wasn’t a child?

Longlongsummer · 16/08/2019 15:47

@jennymanara if you had someone who wasn’t considering you and who’s advice you didn’t care for then fair enough.

@Hopefullly well what does it matter you’ve obviously decided you know more than me! Contrary to popular belief not all people are well motivated or even nice. Too late for him but it is an example very pertinent to the OPs query and is life experience worth noting.

Original poster
Monty27 · 16/08/2019 15:52

Thanks everyone. I don't know anything about who the father is or whether she will tell him. I would say she should. In which case as mentioned above the father may well step up.
It was for medical reasons the abortion was refused. I don't know whether she has tried any other avenues like Marie Stopes in fact I haven't seen the girl since as this all happened just yesterday.

OP posts:
Hopefullyendsmeet · 16/08/2019 15:52

Of course not everyone is nice and well meaning. Don’t be daft. But the idea that your adult ex was forced into doing anything against his will because of some evil woman is silly. He chose to be with her for whatever reasons he had. Maybe he regrets it now but part of being a mature adult is taking responsibility for your decisions in life.

Hopefullyendsmeet · 16/08/2019 15:53

That was in reply to @Longlongsummer

jennymanara · 16/08/2019 15:54

Yes my mum considered me, but by the time I was 23 I did not want my mummy giving me advice about my life.