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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad my ds gf of 3 months has discovered she's 23 weeks pregnant

289 replies

Monty27 · 16/08/2019 03:01

Gf has been to abort the baby today and they refused it as she's 22+ gestation. She just found out on Monday and thought she was about 6 weeks which would have meant my ds was the father. She was still going to abort.
My ds doesn't know how to handle it. Neither do I.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
flashdancer19 · 16/08/2019 16:04

I grew up with a mum who would have advised me strongly. I ignored her advice as soon as I left home. If I had been in this situation I would have sought advice from friends, but ignored what my mother said

Yes my mum considered me, but by the time I was 23 I did not want my mummy giving me advice about my life.

Maybe OP and her son have a much better and closer relationship than you did with your "mummy".

jennymanara · 16/08/2019 16:07

I think anyone who uses the phrase strongly advise what their adult DC does does not have a good grasp of boundaries. Once your DCs are adults it should be about an adult relationship. You would talk to a friend if they are having a difficult time and help them talk through their options and fully consider all aspects, but you wont tell them what they should do.

themouldneverbotheredmeanyway · 16/08/2019 16:30

Why was she refused a termination? You can have a termination for any reason up to 24 weeks.

The medical procedure for termination will be very different at 6 weeks and 20+ weeks. The latter would need to be done in hospital and there will be fewer centres and doctors performing them, so securing a termination within the one week she has legally may not be possible.

Redred2429 · 16/08/2019 16:34

Op it's a very difficult situation all you can do is support your son

Celaeno · 16/08/2019 16:36

OP isn’t suggesting she ‘tells her son what to do’ because obviously he’s an adult. But this is a big potentially life changing situation and many young adults who have good relationships with their parents do talk to them about things, because it’s helpful to clarify things in their own mind and consider possible options

Frankola · 16/08/2019 16:49

I think in this situation you take some time. Obviously this is a shock to you all.

However, given the situation, this means that future decisions about the baby arent really anything to do with you and your son.

If your son decides to continue this relationship etc then he needs to understand that and so do you.

I'm sure she will appreciate all the support and in time if your son decides to be involved then he will have more say in her decisions. But this all needs to be driven by her.

PriestessModwena · 16/08/2019 17:01

My Mum was newly with my Dad when she found herself in the same situation. Maybe a bit further along. My Dad was in his twenties, his family and he decided to take me on no matter what. All the photos of me as a baby are either with Dad or his family.

I think saying run for the hills is quite awful.

Imagine how she must be feeling right now. What's her relationship like with her family?

I'm so grateful to my Dad & his family for doing something so selfless. Especially when he didn't really know my Mum that well.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 16/08/2019 17:03

Poor girl. To find out you are pregnant when you didn't want/plan to be is an awful experience.
Having the courage to even book for a termination is truly awful.
To then be told you can't have one.... she must be broken.
I do hope she has support from someone. Sad

SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2019 17:11

but she should be using more contraception everyone is assuming the woman isn't using proper contraception but she could have had a contraception failure with the ex resulting in pregnancy but not realised, then for whatever tested recently and assumed the cintraception failure had happened here. No form is 100%, it could have been a condom damaged by the ex for all we know

LemonPrism · 16/08/2019 18:25

She could give the child up for adoption. jS

LemonPrism · 16/08/2019 18:43

@Isadora2007 23 is very young... and she is 20. He's barely 2 years out of uni!

sue51 · 16/08/2019 18:59

This poor girl has only just discovered she's pregnant. She needs time and space to decide what she wants. The relationship with OP's son is quite new and it may or may not survive this but is for them both to work out. If it were my son, I would be there to talk to but not to dictate .
As for undiscovered pregnancy being an awful, life damaging experience here is my DD's story. My daughter discovered she was pregnant at 32 weeks. She was just a few weeks into her third year at university which was spent abroad as part of an integrated masters. Though shocked and suffering major health complications from a genetic condition, she pulled it together and graduated with a first from a Russell group university with her baby beside her. Just because things don't go to plan doesn't mean all is over. Its just different. I consider any man she becomes involved with would be damned lucky to have my DD and her child in their life.

thebakerwithboobs · 16/08/2019 19:03

You hold them both close and reassure them that whatever decisions they make, things will be ok. If your son does decide to leave the situation, urge him to be kind (you sound lovely, OP, so I'm sure this will come naturally to him). His girlfriend has done nothing wrong and I feel desperately sorry for her, but she does still have options. Adoption is an honourable choice for many people, heartbreaking though I'm sure it will be. I hope she has family to support her.

SnuggyBuggy · 16/08/2019 19:37

Even if she gives the baby up for adoption it's still "baggage" that this 23 year old might find himself dealing with in the future.

You can't persuade him either way but you can encourage as informed a decision as possible

pictish · 16/08/2019 19:48

“All this bollocks about what you should be advising them to do, as if your DS was 15. No wonder we get threads on MN about awful interfering MILs.”

What a misinformed post. My mum died when I was 30 and you better believe I sought her counsel and advice right up until she died. Still would if she was here. Not because I am or was immature...but because we loved each other, she was on my side, I trusted her and she was wise and fair.

What the fuck is wrong with offering advice your kids?! How miserable can you be??

Caaarrrl · 16/08/2019 21:13

I'm nearly 50 and still ask my parents for advice about all sorts of things. It's what they're there for. And I hope to be around to be giving my DDs advice (when they ask for it)for a very long time.

whattodowith · 16/08/2019 21:55

Asking your parents for advice is fine at any age. I don’t think it’s awful to advise a 23 year old to ‘run for the hills’ in this situation. If I was in a relationship with someone for three months and they found out their ex was pregnant, I would leave. I wouldn’t even question it, I’d just go. It’s not unreasonable to not want a stepchild at any age, I’d do that now and I’m almost 30.

Oh and yeah, you can’t really ‘use more contraception’. You either use it or you don’t. I’m sure given the level of shock from this woman she was using some form of contraception.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 16/08/2019 22:04

I think that your son should walk away now tbh. He's only her short term boyfriend. Unless they see a long term future together where they can commit to a stable relationship, living together and possible marriage, it's not fair on either the girl or her baby to get further involved only to change his mind at a later stage! And until the father of the baby knows, you cannot guarantee that she won't try to get back with him. And how would your son feel having to see her ex and work with him to try and raise a baby? How would he feel about this baby if he later goes on to have his own with her. He needs time to think. Everyone does. It's crunch time. I would suggest that once she has spoken to her ex, if your son is serious about her, then he should get some experience actually being around someone else's baby and meet up with her ex. If he can't handle either, then he's too immature and needs to cut loose!

Original poster
Monty27 · 16/08/2019 22:18

Thanks again everyone.
I would like to clarify that I am not giving any opinion to either of them. Nor am I being judgemental in any shape form or fashion.
I am simply being supportive to my DS and yes we are very close thank goodness. That's what a DM does, yes?
I am not an overbearing parent as some posters seem to suppose and or suggest.
Moving on from the nay sayers, gf is at home with her own DM and has told her of the pregnancy. Her DM is under the impression it's my ds' child.
The only other thing DS has said is that she has another appointment next week and continues to pursue an abortion.
It's awful. And I agree none of my business. However I will support my DS firstly and if the gf needs me I'll be here for her too.
I certainly don't envy her the poor girl. Who only knows where her head is right now.
Sad

OP posts:
wildcherries · 17/08/2019 00:53

Well, it's not really right that her DM is allowed to be under that impression, is it? That's not fair on your DS, OP.

wombat1a · 17/08/2019 01:59

As others have said, this is not your DS's doing, he would do well to walk away before he starts making long-term life-changing commitments to someone he's only been dating for 12 weeks or so.

Yes its life-changing for her too but that's not his responsibility, that's her ex's.

sincethereis · 17/08/2019 02:23

It is your business. Not your business to decide obviously what your son does but it is your business. Don’t let people make you feel that you are being “overbearing” at all.

Her mother shouldn’t be under the impression it is your DS child, that’s not fair or correct.

Original poster
Monty27 · 17/08/2019 02:53

Thank you for your support.
Yes of course it's my business. But I can only stand back unless I'm needed.
I am less than happy about her DM being misled.

At least DS can talk to me with honesty. It's a bit of a mess for them to say the least.
Thanks for listening. Smile

OP posts:
Myfoolishboatisleaning · 17/08/2019 05:18

Yes, because dating a pregnancy is so exact. Of course terminations are carried out well beyond 24 weeks.

PhilCornwall1 · 17/08/2019 06:10

I think it certainly would be your business to put the GFs mother right on the fact that your son is not the father of this child.