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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sad my ds gf of 3 months has discovered she's 23 weeks pregnant

289 replies

Monty27 · 16/08/2019 03:01

Gf has been to abort the baby today and they refused it as she's 22+ gestation. She just found out on Monday and thought she was about 6 weeks which would have meant my ds was the father. She was still going to abort.
My ds doesn't know how to handle it. Neither do I.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
NoMrsLevinson · 16/08/2019 10:05

Some of the things being called terrible arent, though. The cash point remark was entirely twatty, but it would be sensible to consider an STI check in these circumstances. It's no wonder our rates are soaring if people think suggesting a check is somehow an insult, and the GF will be offered tests for chlamydia and HIV if she continues the pregnancy. Also there's absolutely nothing wrong with him not wanting to parent a child that isn't his, and who his only link to is a very short relationship with the mother.

MamaGee09 · 16/08/2019 10:06

If it were my son I’d be advising him to break up with her and let her concentrate on the baby.

As to the posters being rude, I didn’t show with my first until I was 26 weeks pregnant and my aunt was roughly 28 weeks pregnant before she found out she was pregnant and that was her third baby so it does happen!

Atalune · 16/08/2019 10:07

Just be a supportive, gentle listening ear.

It’s good he’s not cutting and running, but really in reality should encourage her to speak to the bio dad. I think being a good friend and taking a step back from the intimacy of a full on relationship would be helpful.

Has she told her parents? What support does she have?

Celaeno · 16/08/2019 10:08

Why on earth is it sexist to recommend the ds has an STI check?!

We’re responding to the OP, the ds’s mother- and if she has a close relationship with her son then this is exactly the sort of thing a loving parent would recommend.

It’s not really the OPs place to be telling the gf to get checked, and yes she will now be checked anyway but as she didn’t realise she was pg for months, she could have a STI already.

Christ what has MN come to that giving sensible sound advice about protecting one’s sexual health is seen as sexist!

MitziK · 16/08/2019 10:08

Despite terminations being legal at a later stage, many hospitals do not have the facilities and moreover, doctors and nurses/midwives are able to refuse to perform them/be involved in them.

Source: used to work in gynae. There were only three out of nine consultants that would perform any termination at all, one would do until 12 weeks, one would do 14 and the other would do up to 18 weeks if and only if it was necessary to save the mother's life due to a medical condition where her other consultant(s) had said specifically that it was a medical necessity.

Everybody else had to either have the baby or try to get seen at a larger teaching hospital out of the area and hope that the wait for an appointment, wait for another dating scan and then the wait for a theatre slot didn't take them over the legal gestation limit.

As a result, in five years, only four later terminations were performed on patients who were initially referred to the particular Trust I worked at and they were all for saving the mothers life or because of severe fetal abnormality incompatible with life.

(I know this because, like the medical staff, the other PAs all refused to handle the paperwork, so it was all passed to me to deal with).

Got to love the legal right to religious exemption.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 16/08/2019 10:10

It is possible not to really show at that stage

DM , when pregnant with me, had a period one month then not, then did . .This went on for 5 months . By the time she went to the doctor she was 5 months gone . They sent her for an X Ray, which I suppose they would at that time (1964) as no scans were around then.

NoSauce · 16/08/2019 10:10

This is why there are so many horror MIL stories on here, some people don't know when to stop parenting and step back

WTF. This situation is nothing like a married man with his own children getting his mum involving his mum every two minutes.

This is a 23 year old that’s been dating a 20 years for 3 months, pregnant by someone else. Anyone encouraging their son to stay with her or those who say nothing need their bumps feeling. He’d be setting himself up for a life full of god knows what.

SoupDragon · 16/08/2019 10:10

If she was wanting to have an abortion when when she thought that she was 6wks, doesn't that indicate that she doesn't want to be a parent with Op's son?

No, it indicates she doesn't want to be a parent yet. Nothing to do with who the father is.

sugarplumfairy28 · 16/08/2019 10:14

All you can do is be there for him/them, offer things that need to be thought of depending on where his gut instinct takes him. If he wants to leave her, then assure him its OK and no-one is going to be massively critical of that. If they want to be together but aren't ready for children, maybe adoption. If they are going to stay together and raise the child, jobs, housing, and possibly the lack of rights he would have should they split up. If he has sought you out for advice then try as much as you can to give that without deliberately steer his/their decision.

Ultimately it doesn't sound like she has done this in a man grabbing callous way if she went to have an abortion and will be needing advice and support too.

pinkyredrose · 16/08/2019 10:14

Why would he have thought he was the father anyway, weren't they using contraception? It's up to him if he wants to stay with her.

TheRLodger · 16/08/2019 10:16

There was an AMA thread on here a couple of months back from someone who didn’t know she was pregnant until she was full term and practically in labour. There’s a specific name for it but can’t remember what it is

OpheliaTodd · 16/08/2019 10:20

I’d be very skeptical that she didn’t know she was pregnant when she met your DS and I’d be encouraging him to run for the hills.

MarshaBradyo · 16/08/2019 10:21

Why would she have waited to go to the clinic if she knew? Confused

Atalune · 16/08/2019 10:25

My sil didn’t know she was pregnant until she was 18 weeks.

She’s educated, smart, worldly. Somethings like that just happen.

blubbabubba · 16/08/2019 10:26

This isn't even about whether she knew she was pregnant. It's near impossible to know if she knew unless she says it herself.

Bottom line is I wouldn't encourage him to play stepdad to a baby that's not his for a woman he's been dating for three months.

She can still date him but I'd say keep his distance. Don't jump in as the dad as if he bonds with the child, it could get messy- the biological dad could get back in the picture, if he's on the birth certificate he has parental responsibility and must pay csa, if not he has no rights if he breaks up with her, if he wants to leave later on the baby is fatherless again...

viques · 16/08/2019 10:26

Since she thought there was a possibility she was in early pregnancy with your DS child , but is actually pregnant with someone else's child I would be advising your DS to get a std test done ASAP. Taking no precautions with one person is careless, to do it with two in quick succession is playing fast and loose with your own sexual health, the baby's health and your new partners health. Silly girl.

And silly DS for not protecting himself.

Drum2018 · 16/08/2019 10:27

As for Ds he simply said he's not prepared to bring up someone else's child

Well then he knows what he has to do. If it were my son I'd be strongly encouraging him to break up with her and I don't care if people think that's lousy. They've only been going out for 3 months, not like they were half way down the aisle.

Genevieva · 16/08/2019 10:31

All of the other complexity aside, the legal cut off in the UK is 24 weeks, so it would appear she was poorly advised.

Waveysnail · 16/08/2019 10:34

Is the girl well.supported too? Does she talk to you? I'd be doing some research on counselling services for both of them. She may want to keep baby or look into adoption but she needs a safe environment to make these decisions

SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2019 10:36

As for Ds he simply said he's not prepared to bring up someone else's child
But he seems to have feelings for her thank goodness. He hasn't cut and run yet

You seem desperate for your DS to stay with her despite him saying it isn't what he wants. It's 3 months, it may have naturally blown over in a few months anyway, now there's an unwanted pregnancy with another man thrown in. He shouldn't stay with her out of obligation, she deserves better.

BedraggledBlitz · 16/08/2019 10:36

He's only been seeing her for 3 months, he should step back.

What is he saying about the situation?

She needs to speak to the father of the baby if he's around.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 16/08/2019 10:39

MitziK That is awful. I wonder how many women have unwanted babies because of consultants like those?

nonetcurtains · 16/08/2019 10:42

What about the baby's father? Does she know who it is? Does he know? And has the gf said if she wants OP's son involved?

LollyBmummy3 · 16/08/2019 10:43

Like the others I think it depends on how old/mature your son is. If he truly loves her then they have a future together. It won’t be easy, but with support it can work. I have a step dad who I love much more than my real dad. It’s who’s there for the child that matters. I also knew a girl when I was young who became pregnant at 16 and met someone new whilst pregnant. He was just 18, they stuck together and later had two more kids and got married. This was 20 years ago and they’re still together. So there is hope. With regard to her not knowing about her pregnancy, I find that a little hard to believe. I also wasn’t showing and was still in my size 10 jeans at 23 weeks with my first child, and I’m not tall 5,4. So that part is plausible, but I definitely knew I was pregnant from my symptoms. Maybe she’s just been in denial. 🍀💕

QueenofallIsee · 16/08/2019 10:50

I can’t believe that people are actually suggesting that the OPs son is wrong to have concerns! 23 yrs old, very very new relationship with a girl just out of her teens and posters REALLY think he should be ‘sign me up’?!? I have 3 sons and a daughter and I would be entirely focused on their needs here, and I’ve not been a MIL from hell to DDs partner as yet Confused

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