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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad my ds gf of 3 months has discovered she's 23 weeks pregnant

289 replies

Monty27 · 16/08/2019 03:01

Gf has been to abort the baby today and they refused it as she's 22+ gestation. She just found out on Monday and thought she was about 6 weeks which would have meant my ds was the father. She was still going to abort.
My ds doesn't know how to handle it. Neither do I.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Yabbers · 16/08/2019 10:55

I never showed at 23 weeks and I am slim (but tall).

Neither did I. I am neither slim nor tall.

When I was rushed in to hospital at 29 weeks, my neighbours were really surprised to hear it was pregnancy related. None of them had a clue.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2019 10:58

@LollyBmummy3 my sister was 6 months pregnant when she found out. Ltr, wanted baby. Irregular periods, little weight gain, anterior placenta. It happens even when you're looking for it

Funguy · 16/08/2019 11:01

As she did not want a baby the sensible thing is to have the child adopted. If she does not want this, it's up to her, not your son.
Also support is up to him.
Sounds like a lesson in contraception for your son would have been apposite as he assumed it was his.It's not good making unwanted children.
And whoever the father is must support.

Scorpiovenus · 16/08/2019 11:03

Yea if you can stop him getting involved with this you will genuinely help his life out for the future in ways you haven't comprehended yet.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2019 11:06

@Scorpiovenus he's 23 with a kind of his own, not 13. He has no right to encourage him one way or the other (although she seems desperate for him to stick with the girl)

SnuggyBuggy · 16/08/2019 11:14

I didn't know contraception had a 0% failure rate Hmm

I think there is inevitably going to be an element of waiting to see how this pregnancy situation pans out and how he feels about the outcome whatever it is.

GimmeeCaffeine · 16/08/2019 11:16

Why was she refused a termination? You can have a termination for any reason up to 24 weeks.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 16/08/2019 11:17

Whilst I would support my son in whatever decision he made, I confess, deep down I would be hoping he would pull back, at least for a while. It is a big decision for both of them and at the moment, the gf should be concentrating on herself and her baby, not what is still a relatively new romantic relationship with a man who is not the baby's father. New babies put a Massive strain on the strongest relationship , even when the baby is planned and wanted by both parents - I cannot imagine the difficulties a couple in this situation might face. Fair enough, if the son wants to support her as a friend and the love grows, then it could work, but I would be worried if he felt forced into doing the 'right'thing when he's made it clear already that he has strong doubts.
What a dad situation for all concerned.

Curious2468 · 16/08/2019 11:19

What you do is let him reach his own decision. Don’t try to talk him in to anything or add extra judgement to his plate. Listen to him sound off about it all, let him consider all the possible consequences of either decision and be there to pick up the pieces if anything goes wrong.

timshelthechoice · 16/08/2019 11:28

I can’t believe that people are actually suggesting that the OPs son is wrong to have concerns! 23 yrs old, very very new relationship with a girl just out of her teens and posters REALLY think he should be ‘sign me up’?!?

That's MN for you! He's supposed to jack in the single, childfree life to adopt another person's child and provide unconditional support to this family for the rest of his life or he's a twat.

FFS, I used to leave tyre marks the second a man revealed he had kids back when I was single, childfree and dating.

wineandroses1 · 16/08/2019 11:29

MitziK I think that is outrageous! It is absolutely terrible that so many staff can simply opt out of performing a procedure or even handling the paperwork for an operation that is legal in this country. If such hospitals allow their staff to dictate in this way then there should be some sort of quota system that limits the recruitment of individuals who refuse to assist women in obtaining abortions (or, indeed, any other procedures they disagree with) for “religious reasons”. Outrageous.

user1486131602 · 16/08/2019 11:35

You can’t abort at more than 20weeks unless the foetus or mother is in a life endangering position ( tried to put that kindly)

I’m sorry that this has happened to you all.
You can only support your son in whatever his decision may be.
The gf will need help and support from her family to arrive at a decision that’s suits her best, as its for the rest of her life.

I hope that you all come to a the best solutions for each of you.

femfemlicious · 16/08/2019 11:35

Your son has had a lucky escape.

PurpleTigerLove · 16/08/2019 11:39

It’s not ideal but if they love each other then they could make it work . I wouldn’t encourage him to leave her just because she’s pregnant . If they stay together he may never forgive you . Tell him you’ll support him regardless of what he does . I hope she has family support.

Aprillygirl · 16/08/2019 11:39

You can’t abort at more than 20weeks unless the foetus or mother is in a life endangering position

Quite right too.

optimisticpessimist01 · 16/08/2019 11:44

I'd be advising DS to stay completely out the situation

It's not his baby, they haven't been together long, he's still young

Its a sad situation for his girlfriend but she needs the support of her family, the father and the fathers family. Stay clear of it. Things like this can get messy

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 16/08/2019 11:44

Does she know the baby's father? If so, it might be worth suggesting to your ds if he steps back, it might give her and the babys father a chance to try again to make their relationship work.

Suggest he stays in touch, long term it might work out between them, but right now, hes an extra complication, not a solution if his position is that he wont raise someone else's child as his own (perfectly reasonable position, BTW).

Obviously if hes not been bothering with using barrier methods of contraception, he will need to have an STD check and strong words about not making that mistake again, but would hold off from suggesting that before hes decided what to do about this mess. Leave that a few weeks...

MuthaFluffa · 16/08/2019 11:44

This is too much for him. They're 3 months in, they should be having carefree fun, he shouldn't be weighed down with the thought of having to raise another mans child.
Tell him to cut and run. He's got plenty of time to start a family of his own, let him enjoy his life first.

As much as I feel sorry for this girl, he didn't get her into this situation, it's not his responsibility.

timshelthechoice · 16/08/2019 11:50

I'm thinking back to several threads I've seen here over time from women newly dating a man, as long in as this young bloke, who then find out his ex is pregnant. Nearly 100% of the responses are 'RUN!' but if it's a bloke he's supposed to step in and take on the child and mum Hmm. Double standards.

SweetMelodies · 16/08/2019 11:54

I think not knowing about a pregnancy until 23 weeks is definitely possible, albeit unusual.

I had NO bump at all at this point and was only just beginning to recognise movement due to anterior placenta and it being my first baby.

Also many girls take contraception which means they don’t have periods so they don’t actually have anything to miss if they slip up or if it fails.

NoMrsLevinson · 16/08/2019 11:55

Tbf there have been quite a few more posters defending DS right not to want involvement than there have been criticising him for it. Not that there's an MN hive mind, but if there were, it'd lean towards him not being obliged to stay involved.

Likethebattle · 16/08/2019 11:56

Our friends girlfriend was pregnant, nonperiod, gaining weight etc. POAS- negative, GP test-negative them at 8 months the doctor finally checked her abdomen and said ‘oh yes you’re at least 33 weeks gone!’ Even with symptoms it’s not always clear cut!

NoMrsLevinson · 16/08/2019 11:58

Also, there is zero requirement for the mother or foetus to be in a life endangering position for an abortion between 20 and 24 weeks. The law is the same then as pre 20 weeks. The difficulty women often face in accessing abortion during that period is practical, not legal. Fewer clinics offer it as it's a more complex procedure and some clinicians are unwilling to do them by that point. But that's their ethical position not legal.

DerelictWreck · 16/08/2019 12:06

You can’t abort at more than 20weeks unless the foetus or mother is in a life endangering position ( tried to put that kindly)

Evidence please? The law is 24 weeks, which most places take as 23weeks and 5 or 6 days as the last date for the procedure.

MarshaBradyo · 16/08/2019 12:16

She may not want to go ahead whether it’s legal or not. There’s a big difference between 6 weeks and this situation.

I feel for her. The op’s Ds will be ok