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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be sad my ds gf of 3 months has discovered she's 23 weeks pregnant

289 replies

Monty27 · 16/08/2019 03:01

Gf has been to abort the baby today and they refused it as she's 22+ gestation. She just found out on Monday and thought she was about 6 weeks which would have meant my ds was the father. She was still going to abort.
My ds doesn't know how to handle it. Neither do I.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 16/08/2019 08:22

They already have children together

It doesn't say that . They've been together 3 months .

Boysey45 · 16/08/2019 08:22

Plenty of men will bring up other peoples children. Whatever he decides he needs to let her know asap so she knows what shes doing support wise.
I think if she definitely wants a termination then some places will do late ones. My friend had a late one but she had to travel for it to a clinic in Birmingham. I don't know the cut off though so she would have to explore this.

youarenotkiddingme · 16/08/2019 08:23

I think all you can do is support your ds.

Yes to std check. But the chances are it's not irresponsible unprotected sex (as such because it's advised for std check before hand anyway) because she may have been in the pill.

I didn't show at 23 weeks.

Someone I know didn't know she was pregnant until 10 minutes before her ds was born. She was waiting for a theatre spot for appendectomy! So even the drs has t figures it out!

Mamagin · 16/08/2019 08:23

All contraceptives have a failure rate, she could have been insisting on condoms. I didn't realise I was pregnant with my third until after four months, and I knew what pregnancy felt like!
Also, many children are being brought up, and much loved, by people who aren't their biological parents. I hope that the girl in this situation has love and support from her parents.

GreenTulips · 16/08/2019 08:26

I would be urging my son to end things with his gf

Why? If he decides to stay and tells gf his mother told him to end it, it will hugely affect their future relationship.

Hardly a good start.

I bet your sons equally devastated, but doesn’t want to look like the bad guy. He’s in a no win situation.

Good luck to them both

Beautiful3 · 16/08/2019 08:28

Sorry, reread your post. Understand now. They have no children together and she is pregnant from before she met him. 3 months is not long really. It is up to him if he wants to leave or stay. She may give the baby away.

Lindormilk · 16/08/2019 08:28

She’s possibly seeing your DS as a cash machine.
Id also advise him to move along

GreenTulips · 16/08/2019 08:31

How can she see the DS as a cash machine? She’s a young woman who only found out this week she’s expecting.

Doubt she’s had time to consider finances

TheVanguardSix · 16/08/2019 08:35

Heavens above that's difficult.
I know with DC1 (in my 20s) I didn't show until I was 30-32 weeks. At 22 weeks, I wouldn't have shown at all! My periods were irregular, sometimes not showing up for 3 months. Once I had kids, they were like clockwork.
I remember going to the GP for a stomach flu that wouldn't lift (it was morning sickness- I had NO idea I was pregnant). I was silly and just didn't have a clue about my body. After DC1, I was certainly clued in and my periods regulated. Anyway, I can see why she got to this stage.

How difficult for everyone, all around. I think everyone just needs time to absorb this shock. Your son is in such a tough spot. He's not the father, yet he's a decent person and doesn't just want to waltz off into the sunset. See how time plays it out. All you can do is offer support. What a white knuckle ride, OP. I wish you the best of luck and the best outcome for all (which time will reveal).

Mammatino · 16/08/2019 08:38

Poor kids. What a shitty situation. Do what you are doing and be supportive of your son, if he stays and she keeps the baby. At the end of the day a baby changes everything and unfortunately many many girls manage alone. If he feels he wants to be part of everything then help him come to terms with what to expect. Can I ask is the actual father likely to make an appearance? He may want to be part of his child's life which would change the dynamic again. Good luck to you all.

Spinnaret · 16/08/2019 08:40

Presume when she went to the clinic, they were expecting a medical termination. That far on, she would need surgical, and probably more counselling etc, albeit with a high degree of urgency, if she still wanted to go ahead.

diddl · 16/08/2019 08:48

Has she now decided against an abortion then?

Turefu · 16/08/2019 08:49

Maybe adoption is way to go for her? I heard it's hard to get a late abortion if there's no medical reasons. I agree it's better for your son to walk away. It's must be shocking for her.

dottiedodah · 16/08/2019 08:49

TBH I think she must have had some sort of inkling that she was pregnant.I would talk gently to your son and see what he feels .3 months into a relationship is a very short time even if the baby was his .The fact of his age ,and becoming a Step parent to someone elses child would be a lot for anyone ,let alone a young man barely into his twenties!.Who would be supporting the child ?.The fact your son doesnt know what to do means hes probably terrified!

whattodowith · 16/08/2019 08:53

I found out at 6 weeks with DC1 so obviously not too late but I went to the GP’s complaining about feeling sick constantly Blush. I honestly thought I had a never ending sickness bug or some sort of food intolerance. His first question was literally ‘any chance you could be pregnant?’ I’d never even considered it.

If you are young and not trying for a baby, you won’t necessarily have a clue what pregnancy symptoms actually are. I’m sure everyone knows missing a period is a sign but some women continue to bleed every month during pregnancy. I wouldn’t be so cynical about this woman, I doubt anyone who had known they were pregnant for the past 18 weeks would try to abort at 22 weeks. Poor woman.

I really do feel sorry for both parties. If it were my son I don’t think I would actively encourage him to be thinking about raising another man’s child at 23 though. It’s such a huge responsibility and he has his whole life ahead of him. I’m not sure a woman he has been dating for three months should be viewed as the be all and end all at this stage in his life.

InvernessAdventure · 16/08/2019 08:58

I'm wondering if she herself will need to end things with OP's DS. It's a complicated situation and in her shoes I think I might feel I couldn't spare the energy for a still-new relationship with a baby on the way to think of. So perhaps from the DS's perspective there won't be a decision to make.

But like a pp, I don't understand why she was refused a TOP when she's under 24/40, particularly when her dates are presumably being calculated based on size rather than LMP, ie perhaps not entirely accurate. If she wants to try again with a different provider, she needs to hurry.

Bit of a mindfuck for all. Sympathies, OP.

Rainbowknickers · 16/08/2019 09:00

I didn’t know I was pregnant until the Monday and had him on the Saturday
So it does happen
Only she can choose what’s going to happen to her baby
And your son can walk away if he doesn’t want to bring up another mans baby
I guess there is no right or wrong to all this

DerelictWreck · 16/08/2019 09:02

Why has she been refused an abortion OP?

MRex · 16/08/2019 09:05

It's impossible to know what's best without knowing the people involved. I worked with a woman who started dating a colleague, then found out a month in that she was pregnant by a previous fling, who she went to tell but didn't want to know. A year later she and the other colleague were happily married with their baby; after some discussions he had gone on the birth certificate as the father (he told those of us who knew the situation, as he wanted everyone to be clear this was now his child). They were soulmates; as far as I heard many years later they were still happy and had another child. Whether they told or will tell the girl I've no idea, my colleague said she would tell her when she was old enough and let her know that her dad decided to choose to be her dad.

OTOH, there are plenty of tales of exes making life very difficult and it would be hard enough as such a new couple if the baby was his. Adoption is another option, but of course that can be incredibly hard emotionally too.

Your DS is the one in this relationship, IMO you could tell him that you'll support any decision that he makes, you wish her and the baby well, and you hope he will take the decision with consideration for all future eventualities. I don't think you can agree to support her until and unless that's the decision your son has taken, because he may decide he wants her cut out of his life and you simply don't know her well enough to have any other input at this point.

NoMrsLevinson · 16/08/2019 09:05

We seem not to have considered yet that the father may well want to be very involved when he finds out. Some posters are talking like DS is her only potential source of support, I'd be thinking he might find himself sidelined soon enough!

TubbyMonkeh · 16/08/2019 09:06

The assumptions and malice towards this young girl on here is astounding. Women, we really are our own worst enemies aren't we?
'She knew she was pregnant/ she just sees him as a cash machine/ it was planned' etc.. :(

I hope the poor girl doesn't join mumsnet because of her pregnancy and see this.

Regarding your son, he's 23. It's his decision. Let him lead and support him best you can.

Isadora2007 · 16/08/2019 09:10

23 isn’t that young. And what a stinking attitude to “not want to raise another mans child”!
I understand if three months in you think it’s too much too soon etc. But to immediately go to the stance he has makes him sound like an immature prick. The baby is still hers. And she has a fucking terrifying future and the boyfriend is making it all about his hurt pride. If that were my son I’d be giving him a kick up the arse.

MyOtherProfile · 16/08/2019 09:11

@Why has she been refused an abortion OP

This is what I keep wondering. As @iVampire said she is still within the legal limit.

I wouldn't be encouraging my son in either direction. I would be listening to him and offering support whatever. It could be that she has the baby adopted and they could go on to have a lovely long term relationship for all we know.

Poor girl anyway, what a shock.

Letseatgrandma · 16/08/2019 09:11

She found out she was pregnant on Monday and was booked in to have an abortion three days later? But they then found out she was 23 weeks pregnant instead of 6-that sounds very odd.

Wouldn’t the GP be trying to find out (via a scan?) if she was definitely pregnant first and how far along? Is the abortion pill often recommended first?

It sounds strange that she hasn’t had any pregnancy signs for months but in the last 10-14 days has decided she is pregnant, gone to the GP, gone to the abortion clinic and been refused-all without saying a word to her boyfriend?

Celaeno · 16/08/2019 09:12

He’s an adult, but he’s a young adult and may be looking to the OP for support.
I think the OPs role in all of this is to do exactly that: support her son without being over involved.
STD check for sure
He’s already said that he doesn’t want to bring up someone else’s child, which is fair enough. Being a parent comes with all sorts of responsibilities and challenges and is hard enough with your own children never mind taking on the parent role to someone else’s.

It sounds as though he’s very likely to end things, though he’s doing it gently rather than just running for the hills, and it definitely seems the best decision given that he doesn’t want to parent someone else’s kid. I guess it’s possible the gf might put the child up for adoption but that will come with its own set of challenges and emotions and it would be awful if the son felt in any way that he’d influenced that decision .. he hasn’t asked for this situation.

So ultimately, at his young age it seems likely he will move on from this. It’s a sad situation for the gf but it’s not the son’s problem and he needs to look out for himself