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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad my ds gf of 3 months has discovered she's 23 weeks pregnant

289 replies

Monty27 · 16/08/2019 03:01

Gf has been to abort the baby today and they refused it as she's 22+ gestation. She just found out on Monday and thought she was about 6 weeks which would have meant my ds was the father. She was still going to abort.
My ds doesn't know how to handle it. Neither do I.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 16/08/2019 06:50

Your son is too young for this, he should walk away. Let the father get involved.

minibroncs · 16/08/2019 06:51

if he's adult enough to be in this relationship, he needs to talk to the right people, not run to his mummy to be told what to do next

From the poster who told others to have empathy and kindness for the girlfriend? Seriously?

Adult humans turn to those they have close relationships with when they need advice, support, help, comfort, safety, second opinions... For plenty of adults that includes their parents. It's normal and healthy.

There is nothing that has been described here to warrant your nasty, disparaging comment about the op's son. Have some empathy and kindness for him.

iVampire · 16/08/2019 06:51

@Horehound

Termination of pregnancy is legal in England, Scotland and Wales until 23 weeks and 6 days,

The woman is 22+ weeks, so this is not just time. Unless not in UK

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 16/08/2019 06:53

I can't believe the amount of people telling you to urge your son one way or the other.

He's 23!! He's an adult. She needs to mind her own business.

This is why there are so many horror MIL stories on here, some people don't know when to stop parenting and step back.

OP it is absolutely Not Your Place to lecture your grown son on contraception, his sex life, his relationships, whether he can trust his own girlfriend, whether he wants to or should be in a relationship with a single mother.

None of your business and you risk damaging your relationship with him if you try. What if you urged him to break up with her because you think she's untrustworthy or immoral or whatever, and he decides to marry her and raise the child together? He will always know that you wished his child away, and that you wanted rid of his partner.

Stay out of it beyond being supportive and respectful of his decisions.

SnuggyBuggy · 16/08/2019 06:54

I wouldn't encourage this relationship

Penguincity · 16/08/2019 06:54

Another who would advise your ds to walk. He's too young and in too new a relationship to bring up a child that's not his.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 16/08/2019 06:57

Best your son walks away now if the baby isn’t his.

pictish · 16/08/2019 06:57

He has already said he isn’t prepared to bring up someone else’s child, so I’d be backing him up on that train of thought.
Just as I’d not advise my son or anyone else to get married after three months, I wouldn’t advise him to commit to being a father to baby that isn’t his either.
There’s just no way he can continue to see her really...he can’t conduct a relationship with her and not be involved with the baby. It’s not like she could keep them separate in her life. Newborns are all-consuming.

He’s instinctively opposed to the notion and the relationship would flounder and undoubtedly fail. This is not love’s young dream...it’s a very real and incredibly obstructive barrier that they will both have to accept.

It is a terrible dilemma. Sympathy all round.

Longtalljosie · 16/08/2019 06:58

I would absolutely NOT advise your DS to walk, because if he does not and it comes out that you said he should, she will never forgive you. Yes, 20/23 is young but there is still a very real possibility this is it for them. Your DS does sound like he wants to knock it on the head and he may yet - but not because you told him to. Be non-directive and tell him you will support him whatever he decides.

stayathomer · 16/08/2019 06:58

You handle it by accepting it wasn't your choice or your DS' choice and now she's going to have to cope with a baby and all that brings.
That's a bit tough and in your face isn't it? A bit of compassion wouldn't go astray. It's a tough one OP, but something your ds and gf have to figure out themselves, especially if they're sure he's not the father.

Skittlenommer · 16/08/2019 06:59

DS should run fast and run far!

IdblowJonSnow · 16/08/2019 06:59

I agree with wishingisland
Also, can you ask to have this thread deleted?
There are some pretty identifying details, I'd imagine the last thing this young woman needs is all the judgement on this thread on top of everything else she has to cope with.

swingofthings · 16/08/2019 07:04

There's no he should leave or he should support her 100%. There are many ways this could go. It's up to them to see how it evolves.

I had friends at school to whom the exact same thing happened. He was only 18 and immature. He was going to walk away but could get himself to do il because he really liked her, so it took him up to the birth. He then go very emotion at the birth and decided to stay and help her and before he knew it he was totally in love with her and the baby.

They are still together 30 years later and had 2 more kids. The girl is 100% is daughter. As said everything is possible.

pictish · 16/08/2019 07:07

Yes I would advise ending the relationship but would make it clear I will support him whatever he decides to do.
If the gf would ‘never forgive me’ for being dubious about my son being a father and me essentially a grandmother to a baby that isn’t his, then she is in the wrong.
While her situation is unfortunate and not of her design, she has no entitlement here so there is nothing to forgive.
It’s not like either the OP or her son are obligated in any way.

Also, she has no need to know of the OP’s reservations at all.

It’s not an issue - advise him as you think is best and support him no matter what he decides.

Original poster
Monty27 · 16/08/2019 07:07

I have displayed empathy to DS. And for sure it's his decision. I'm silently pleased he just hasn't cut and run which shows he cares for her.
The support on here is quite overwhelming. Thank you everyone. I haven't told a soul in real life.
Flowers

OP posts:
areyoubeingserviced · 16/08/2019 07:09

Op, you have to let your son decide.

Nabana · 16/08/2019 07:11

That poor baby :( Imagine being so unwanted before you're even born through no fault of your own whatsoever.

Hadtonamechangeforthis123 · 16/08/2019 07:11

I'm another who thinks she knew she was pregnant. 20 is still very young, perhaps she was in denial about the pregnancy, perhaps she hadn't faced up to the reality that she was pregnant, perhaps she met your son and just hoped the pregnancy would 'go away' or she'd miscarry. I think she knew and that doesn't make her a bad person. But as your son has already said he isn't prepared to raise another mans child and he is still young himself I would advise him to walk away now.

TixieLix · 16/08/2019 07:13

It’s a bit early to be telling him to walk away. If the gf doesn’t want to keep the child she has other options such as adoption. Whatever happens, your DS needs reminding that the only way to protect himself against unwanted fatherhood is to make sure he uses a condom.

onioncrumble · 16/08/2019 07:15

Let's hope she doesn't try out Mumsnet in the mistaken belief it's a supportive space for women. Imagine the horror of stumbling across this horrid thread if it was about you. She's the one who should run. Imagine the MIL posts about her in a few years.

MigGril · 16/08/2019 07:19

Pictish you seem quite unempathic. If your son decided he love a women who already had a small child. Would you not expect him to treat that child with love and respect and you to treat it as a grandchild. Espicaly if they went on to have more children together. Biology does not a family make, some biological families are very non functional and show little love and kindness to each other. It's this love which makes a family.

If it was his choice then you need to support that. Know matter how you feel about it as surely you love your Son.

Skittlenommer · 16/08/2019 07:22

Pictish you seem quite unempathic. If your son decided he love a women who already had a small child. Would you not expect him to treat that child with love and respect and you to treat it as a grandchild

It’s kind of different when your son has been dating someone who has been knocked up for the entirety of their relationship with another man’s child! I’m wondering if she did actually know and DS is a better option than the father!

pictish · 16/08/2019 07:24

She’s the one who should run?
With all due respect, that’s absolute rubbish isn’t it? Contrary to the leaning on mumsnet towards worshipping pregnant women and observing their every whim simply through the virtue of being pregnant, this young lady is not being wronged whatsoever.

To imagine the OP would make a terrible mil because she didn’t immediately pay homage to the pregnancy, is pretty basic. And fantastical. And rude.
Don’t be so silly.

SnuggyBuggy · 16/08/2019 07:25

If he did stay with her it should be with a good understanding of the situation and the implications of raising a child that's not biologically his. I'm guessing this child's biological father will have to be involved in the child's life and the child will have visits with another household. If they were to have more children it will be hard to treat them equally when one is part of two families to consider and the others aren't.

If the threads on here are anything to go by too many people start stepfamilies and blended families without really thinking it through or considering the implications.

pictish · 16/08/2019 07:29

I’ve already said that I’d support my son whatever his decision.

So far in this scenario the son has said he isn’t prepared to raise another man’s baby. I’d say that’s the best outcome for him and would advise as such. If he decided otherwise I’d accept it and offer support.

I don’t lack empathy but my priority would be my son.

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