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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad my ds gf of 3 months has discovered she's 23 weeks pregnant

289 replies

Monty27 · 16/08/2019 03:01

Gf has been to abort the baby today and they refused it as she's 22+ gestation. She just found out on Monday and thought she was about 6 weeks which would have meant my ds was the father. She was still going to abort.
My ds doesn't know how to handle it. Neither do I.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 16/08/2019 07:32

Well it's up to them what they're going to do, it obviously won't be easy as it's not even his baby but such is life. And yes to previous posters, he needs an STI check as they were having unprotected sex.

Whatnameisgood · 16/08/2019 07:34

Oh bless her, would she consider adoption?

Kewlwifee · 16/08/2019 07:34

Why should he run away rather than make a considered and mature decision which incorporates his desires and goals with what is best for everyone? That might mean he leaves the relationship. It might not. But the idea that he runs away because she didn't know she was pregnant is awful. I can't believe women would support other young women being treated that way. Just suddenly dumped at probably the hardest scariest time of their life.

Again, I don't know if he should stay. It depends on a lot of factors. But he doesn't need to "run for the hills" like she has the Black Death FFS.

onioncrumble · 16/08/2019 07:36

This reply has been deleted

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SockMachine · 16/08/2019 07:39

Observing the need for an STI check is not judgemental and NOTHING to do with assuming anyone is ‘riddled with clap ‘.

And in fact people who have taken it that way are the ones seeing it as connected with a moral judgement.

It isn’t. It is simply practical good sexual manners that takes care of everyone. If you have unprotected sex with a partner who had had the same elsewhere it’s simply a practical healthy precaution.

And frankly, if this young man is not ready for fatherhood he needs not to be having unprotected sex.

OP: the poor girl, and a bit of a shock for your DS. I am sure he will be kind and supportive to her in any case. It is a short relationship: if he breaks it off he could still support her a a friend.

Yutes · 16/08/2019 07:39

If he doesn’t want to raise another mans baby then he should leave her. He can’t keep her going and think her child will not come into the equation.

He needs to make her own decision, as does she.

As a mother you just need to support your son with what he decides.

Smelborp · 16/08/2019 07:41

Why is everyone assuming she’ll keep the baby?

areyoureadytobestrong · 16/08/2019 07:42

My sympathies lie entirely with the person whose choices have all been taken away from her. I can’t think of anything more scary.

OP does she have family support?

DarrellMakepeace · 16/08/2019 07:43

The misogyny on this thread is quite horrifying. As another poster said, let's hope the poor girl doesn't look on MN for support!

What is this, Victorian times? I'm gobsmacked by all the people implying that the gf is manipulative. Did none of you ever have an unexpected pregnancy? She must be beside herself with worry.

areyoureadytobestrong · 16/08/2019 07:44

“I'm silently pleased he just hasn't cut and run which shows he cares for her.”

You sound decent OP.
There may be ways he can support as a friend?

NovemberWitch · 16/08/2019 07:46

My son is around the same age. Considering all the ‘Ohh, I suddenly find myself unexpectedly pregnant...’ threads that pop up on MN on a regular basis, I wouldn’t assume they’d been having unprotected sex.
So many MNetters seem to have it happen with contraception.
That said, I wouldn’t encourage him to continue the relationship, other than as a supportive friend. Three months into a relationship is nothing, and I do think she knew she was pregnant much earlier than he did.
How is her family taking the news, and the father?

areyoureadytobestrong · 16/08/2019 07:46

I agree there is deep rooted misogyny on this thread, though not from the OP.

The OP’s son will hopefully realise that as the person with the choice to “run”, he isn’t really the one with the problem.

NovemberWitch · 16/08/2019 07:52

Run to his mummy

You mean he shouldn’t seek advice from someone he trusts with greater life experience? The way you ask others about buying a house or a car? Fuck that for a shitty attitude.

makingmammaries · 16/08/2019 07:52

Not much you can do except be kind to her and encourage your DS to distance himself since he doesn't want to bring up someone else's child. There isn't much middle ground. If he stays in the relationship, he gets stuck with the responsibility. He would be wise to rein it right back.

onioncrumble · 16/08/2019 07:53

So rude. There is a difference between talking to your family and then the family opinion being shared with the entire world. Fuck that for a shitty attitude Biscuit

NovemberWitch · 16/08/2019 07:56

I have daughters too, if it were either of them, I’d support their decision but warn them against entering into a permanent relationship with someone who might resent the circumstances and then her later down the line.
Panic and fear of future events can make people grab at a quick-fix solution that isn’t a good one.

pictish · 16/08/2019 07:58

Boys and men aren’t allowed to have a close relationship with their mothers on mumsnet.
Run to mummy, apron strings, he has his own little family now blah blah unto eternity.

NovemberWitch · 16/08/2019 07:58

Onion, this is anonymous and you are contributing to the thread. MN is full of adults asking strangers AIBU and WWYD and not making up their own minds as adults.

herculepoirot2 · 16/08/2019 08:05

So they’ve been in a relationship for 3 months? I suppose you have made sure that your DS wasn’t in a more casual relationship with her before this.

It’s his decision, but my advice to him would be to try to make it quickly and cleanly.

Isittheend · 16/08/2019 08:06

At this early stage in their relationship and depending upon his age and plans, I'd be telling your son to consider ending the relationship.
@llady I have PCOS and went for a whole year without a period followed by 6 months gaps for 2 years.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 16/08/2019 08:07

It’s up to your DS if he stays in the relationship and up to her if she keeps the baby.

Not much you can do either way.

pictish · 16/08/2019 08:11

November so would I. Spot on.

Beautiful3 · 16/08/2019 08:16

They already have children together and now she's pregnant with someone else's baby is that right? If so then that's a difficult situation. Try not to judge but still go over and see the children and be there for them. Try not to take sides as you always want to keep visits open to see your grand children

TSSDNCOP · 16/08/2019 08:17

Does the GF have a family if her own that will support her OP?

gingersausage · 16/08/2019 08:17

You seem desperately over-involved in a 3 month “relationship”. After 3 months you should barely be exclusive. Why do people rush into things so quickly and why do their parents make so bloody much of it?!