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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad my ds gf of 3 months has discovered she's 23 weeks pregnant

289 replies

Monty27 · 16/08/2019 03:01

Gf has been to abort the baby today and they refused it as she's 22+ gestation. She just found out on Monday and thought she was about 6 weeks which would have meant my ds was the father. She was still going to abort.
My ds doesn't know how to handle it. Neither do I.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Number3or4 · 16/08/2019 09:13

Sorry, I didn't mean to make her sound sluty when I asked does she know who the father is. It would make things a lot easier/ simpler for your son to stay if he wants to. Having another man involved in your life is not easy. One night stands do happen, it is very common.

I would also tell my ds to have an std check as the father of the pregnancy might have passed something onto his girlfriend. That is not judging her but stating the simple fact that neither of you know the person who impregnated the girlfriend. She might have trusted him but do you guys? I insisted on std check on my dh before dumping the condoms. It is about making your ds sexual health a priority.

NoMrsLevinson · 16/08/2019 09:16

It isn't a remotely stinking attitude to not want to raise another man's child. The problem comes when people who feel this way get into relationships with those who have children anyway.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/08/2019 09:16

I’d be telling mine to walk away too. I don’t buy you don’t know at 23 weeks even if slim.

MintChocAddict · 16/08/2019 09:17

For all those hoiking up their judgey pants and hissing that this devious female must have known, it's be worth remembering that not everyone finds out about a pregnancy a nano second after conception. Yay to you if you did. You're clearly far superior to those who didn't.

I was married and trying for a baby. However I still bled and had absolutely no sickness or any other symptom associated with pregnancy. I found out when I was nearly 20 weeks.
Some nasty comments on here.
Hope whatever decisions are made work out best for both the OPs DC and his GF.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 16/08/2019 09:20

@ gingersausage After 3 months you should barely be exclusive

Oh behave, not everyone has the morals of an alley cat on heat.

Celaeno · 16/08/2019 09:21

In response to pp I think it’s awful to suggest that the ds has a ‘stinking attitude’ because he’s been honest that he doesn’t want to bring up another man’s child. Someone also described it as an issue of ‘hurt male pride.’

Rubbish. Having children is a fucking big deal and a lifelong commitment. It’s far more admirable to be honest that he’s not prepared to do that, than to go along with it all for a couple of years and then disappear off leaving a young child who’s built a relationship with him.

If this were his own child and it was an accidental pregnancy I’d be saying something very different: because it takes two to make a baby and even if he didn’t feel ready, he’d have a responsibility to provide and build a relationship.

As it is, he doesn’t have that responsibility. I have far more respect for a man who is honest enough to say that he won’t take on a responsibility which isn’t his, than I have for someone who passively goes along with the situation only to walk away a few years down the line when the relationship isn’t new and romantic any more and the kid has gone through the angelic stage and is hard work

whattodowith · 16/08/2019 09:23

My DM didn’t find out until she was 20 weeks with me (her first). She was on the pill so still had regular withdrawal bleeds and had absolutely no pregnancy symptoms at all. If it’s your first child and you aren’t TTC you may not even know what pregnancy symptoms are. If you have irregular periods or are still having regular bleeds it’s reasonable not to realise you are pregnant. I wouldn’t be overly cynical about this woman at all.

Terminations at that stage are heartbreaking and almost always only done for medical reasons. She would have to give birth, the experience would stay with her forever. I suspect that is why she has been refused, barely anyone terminates in the second trimester. She is half way through the second trimester, it would be a traumatic experience for her to say the least.

diddl · 16/08/2019 09:33

If she was wanting to have an abortion when when she thought that she was 6wks, doesn't that indicate that she doesn't want to be a parent with Op's son?

So how would it work for them to parent a baby that isn't his together?

SnuggyBuggy · 16/08/2019 09:35

It's now wrong to not want to parent someone else's child? Hmm

Laiste · 16/08/2019 09:36

Three months is such a short time to be involved with someone. They still barely know each other in the context of massive life decisions. I'm guessing neither DS nor this girl are living away from their parents?

Just advise him to take it slowly right now and not feel obligated to make any financial commitments. Where are her parents in all this? If one of my 20 year old daughters was unexpectedly 23 weeks pregnant i'd be advising her to ditch any new boyfriends and try to simplify her life as much as poss. before the baby came tbh.

Maybe ask him to think on this: if he'd met her for the first time at the end of this year, with her new born in tow, would he still be thinking about having a relationship with her?

Apolloanddaphne · 16/08/2019 09:37

We know nothing of what the young woman is doing/thinking/feeling so we can only help OP in her thoughts about the situation her DS finds himself in. We cannot know if she knows who the father of her child is and plans to approach him or if she wants to keep the child or give it up for adoption. There are many decisions she has to make. OP's DS may wish to support her in these decisions. He may not be the father of the child but i am assuming he cares for this woman at some level.

OP I think you need to support your DS to make the decisions he believes are right for him. Keep talking to him. There is no right or wrong way to handle this situation but he really needs to do what he feels deep down is right for him at this stage in his life. Good luck.

SteadyAreYouReady · 16/08/2019 09:38

OP I think you’re doing well, just advise and stand back. He’s 23, he’s an adult, this has to be his decision

Aprillygirl · 16/08/2019 09:41

Poor baby Sad. How did your DS feel about his gf aborting the baby when he thought it was his? Why did they think it was his, have they not been having safe sex?
Either way the damage is done and there's not much you can do here really OP. I would just be there for my DS to talk to and secretly hope that the relationship fizzles out very soon, as well as hope that the gf has good family support.

VanGoghsDog · 16/08/2019 09:42

She found out she was pregnant on Monday and was booked in to have an abortion three days later? But they then found out she was 23 weeks pregnant instead of 6-that sounds very odd.

When I had mine, they did a dating examination (by feel, I never had any scans, but it was 30 years ago when I think scans only started at about 12 weeks anyway) before they confirmed the procedure could go ahead. You still have to see two doctors in the UK, so in my case the first was the GP and the second was the consultant who did the dating - then they both had to agree.

So, it does take some time, but it's highly unlikely she'd rock up for the procedure to then be told she was too far on.

Something doesn't quite add up I'm afraid.

Poor lad, it must be a shock to him. But she needs to tell the father and get on with it. The son needs to decide his next steps and the OP needs to support her son's choice.

RantyAnty · 16/08/2019 09:43

Let him make his own decisions.

He should get STI tested because surely he has had sex before and wouldn't want to have passed something on to his pregnant gf.

ladymariner · 16/08/2019 09:49

not run to his mummy to be told what to do next.

And yet again, the attitude that if a man talks to his mother he's a mummy boy appears. So fucking predictable. I've brought my ds up to know if he wants to talk to me about anything he can, and we're lucky in that we have a very close relationship. But apparently this is wrong. Although if I had a daughter this would be perfectly acceptable. Well, fuck off with that.

GabsAlot · 16/08/2019 09:51

You self refer now u dont need the gp-id still say he should leave unless shes putting the baby up for adoption-they were going to terminate so its not a good base to start off from seeing as its not his child

InvernessAdventure · 16/08/2019 09:51

Terminations at that stage are heartbreaking and almost always only done for medical reasons. She would have to give birth, the experience would stay with her forever. I suspect that is why she has been refused, barely anyone terminates in the second trimester. She is half way through the second trimester, it would be a traumatic experience for her to say the least.

Agreed, but that would be a matter for discussion not grounds for a flat refusal. I think which particular care provider she has seen will have made a big difference to how this was expressed. She may think she's not allowed a TOP when in fact she's seen a provider who is reluctant to the point of refusal to give her one. If she's quick about it, there may be someone who feels differently - assuming that, having discussed the realities, she still wants to. Important for her to know what her options are, I think.

CaramelWayfarer · 16/08/2019 09:52

Your DS has already stated that he won't bring up another's child. It's all happened so quickly and he clearly has feelings for her.

Give it a bit of time. He needs to process the info. He sounds like a nice man and he probably doesn't want to, or is not ready to dump her and add grief to an already, very difficult situation.

She herself may end it as she contact the father and asks for his help. Be there for your son and offer any help he may need but ultimately tell him it is his decision. That said, it may well affect you. At 20 she may need help looking after the baby if working etc. You will probably end up holding the baby if they are young and immature.

CaramelWayfarer · 16/08/2019 09:53

Your DS could tell her that he is there for her as a friend and to help her if she needs it.

Teddybear45 · 16/08/2019 09:54

It doesn’t matter if the woman knew (or didn’t know) she was pregnant when she got with OP’s DS. The truth here is that OP’s DS doesn’t want to raise someone else’s child and so there should be no pressure applied to make him. OP should focus on her son and ensure he makes the right decision for HIM. The woman he’s with can take care of herself (and her baby!).

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 16/08/2019 09:55

An abortion at 6 weeks is totally different to one at 20+ weeks, so it's perfectly possible that the clinic she went to couldn't perform such a late abortion and she would need to be referred elsewhere for that, if she decided that's what she wanted.
It's a horrible situation all round. Unfortunately, I think this is one of those situations where tea and general sympathy are all you can offer- this is too big for there to be any possibility of an accusation of pressuring him into something to be made in the future.

waterSpider · 16/08/2019 10:00

200,000 abortions in England in 2018. Only 289 abortions in week 24 or later (life-saving circs), but 789 in week 23. So it's rare, and I imagine many doctors wouldn't agree without strongest of justifications. But some done, clearly. Then again, some kids born at 23 weeks will survive, and many born at 24. I'm just glad not to be facing such a decision, where even a few days will matter to the law and to survivability.

FWIW I think I'd go with the 'supportive friend, see what happens' strategy. Also, what's happening with the biological father ?? Could come back into the picture?

beachysandy81 · 16/08/2019 10:01

The terrible attitudes on this thread to this girl are shocking!!! I can't actually believe in this day and age we are hearing stuff about her trying to trap your son. This poor girl didn't ask for any of this and this is a sad fact that as a woman you are the one that has to deal with the end result of not using contraception, plus disgusting judgy comments.

However, it looks like your son has made his decision. Just advise him to be honest and kind.

Ponoka7 · 16/08/2019 10:02

"Yes to std check."

I see the sexism is continuing. Has the OP stated that her DS was a Virgin before this Girl? She will have had checks as part of her pregnancy screening. He won't. They've both had sex previously.

When they stop having sex and he's going to move on, then he should get screened, as anyone should, nothing to do with her being pregnant.

@Letseatgrandma, you don't see ypur GP anymore when pregnant. If you want an abortion, there's clinics that you go straight to. They have scanning facilities. . Or you book in with a MW, if you want anti natal care whilst you decide.

Because of her age etc she would be priority. But they may not be telling the OP all the details or, for the OP posting them.

OP, if he's saying he doesn't want to bring up someone else's child and doesn't want to be a dad. Then he needs to end it for both their sakes.