Look I think in this world when you wrong someone you do have to compensate them until they’re ready to forgive.
The EX was wronged. It was an emotional affair. And her then husband did decide to leave because he was excited about this new experience of a woman who confessed her love.
I’m sure your marriage had ups and downs and I’m sure if you were in ignorance bliss of what your husband is capable of, and your marriage was having a down, if he was in similar circumstances then he probably would’ve. The length of your marriage isn’t a testimony that it was better than hers.. it’s just a testimony that you both learnt from your mistakes not to let it come into YOUr lives.
However, her life has not benefited anything. She has been rather unfortunate and this betrayal might’ve scarred her for life. And it is both your responsibility to bare, more so him.
It was an emotional affair, wasn’t deliberate from your side but you did put your emotional needs and so did he above his marriage.. and it was hugely unfair on her. It doesn’t sound like it was spiteful and it did sound like you didn’t think things through at the time. It was irresponsible, ignorant and selfish. For both of you but mostly your DH. All of which common for someone of a young age so it’s not odd.. but it’s also not an excuse to let someone else pay the heavy price for both your mistake.
I don’t think his family owe you any trust.. and they’re probably resentful that they’re forced to celebrate you as a couple when things started at someone else’s expense.
However it’s never fair for someone to never have a way to come back from their mistake. I still think whatever happened doesn’t give your sil the right to shame you like this.. but god knows what happened for her to resent you. Perhaps she doesn’t like the fact you feel “entitled” to be accepted in the family without earning their trust and respect after it was destroyed.
I always believe whatever mistake we did, we should always have an option to clear our conscience and our slates. Your sil and couple people here believe the way for justice to be restored is through “karma” and they resent seeing justice not be served by watching you enjoy a healthy marriage at the cost of an innocent woman who had her trust betrayed.
However, I don’t believe revenge and karma are the only way for justice..
I believe you sound genuinely sorry and sad for how things started. I don’t believe you were deliberate and we all make mistakes. You probably could t see at the time how bad of a mistake it was because if you did you probably would’ve backed away and refused to date him as it was most likely his emotional involvement with you that led him to not want to work on his marriage.. but you realise your mistake now. A bit too late for her but that was her luck.
I really hope, that some form of compensation was made to the ex wife. A formal apology from you both. And some compensation which would be fair based on what she had to go through until you both realised your mistake. Whether it’s financial, or sentimental. And I think his family should know about it..
It probably wasn’t just the way her marriage ended. It’s probably that you felt insecure and didn’t want her to contact your DH or in laws. You put your needs ahead of hers even though she was betrayed. you probably felt entitled to wipe away her rage because you are now his number one. Based on how many OW behave. You probably expected him to not feel guilt towards her and not process his feelings with her because he is now yours. Forgetting that you made the choice to infringe on her emotional need for closure by stepping in too early to the relationship, so you owed her.
It’s hard for OW to put herself in the shoes of ex and not turn over protective of her DH. But it probably came across as selfish and entitled. Which anyone would find hard to accept into their family.
So this needs an honest look back at the past and wondering what could be tangbaly done so all those affected can feel somewhat like an effort has been made to acknowledge the impact on them and open the door for some responsibility to try to compensate.
It doesn’t matter how long it has been. What matters is what has been done to rectify. It could’ve been 17 years of selfishly making the ex wife live in hell.
I’m still not excusing the sil behaviour. But I am excusing her resentment. And I’m thinking that you and DH feeling guilty isn’t enough. But it’s a very good start.
My dad married OW. I respected her and got over it after 2 years. But her resentment of my mother coloured her attitude towards me... her insecurity over the fact my father wasn’t in fact totally over the loss of my mother and his stupid haste decision meant that she was willing to put herself first by in fact wanting to annihilate the guilt my father felt towards us as his kids and making it difficult for him to see us.. and so I still saw her for the selfish person she was. For the home wrecker she is. My mum had no grudges over her, she felt happy to have finally got rid of my father. I wasn’t resentful of her for marrying my dad because I knew my mum didn’t want him back.. but I hated her character, for what she is willing to do to save her home while she wrecks ours. You can’t wipe that away with time, you wipe it away with actions.
Again, blame can go on both sides. You sil is to blame for her stupid comments.. and you and your DH need to examine how to deal with your guilt proactively and not just feel entitled to be trusted and forgiven just because you finally get it... because ofcourse your get it, you are not married and in her shoes.. but you need to take responsibility for it, even 17 years later.