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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hold the title of OW for the rest of my life

463 replies

MatildaWormwood8 · 15/08/2019 12:53

So. 17 years ago DH left his ex wife for me. I was the OW. I’m not proud of this and I’ve tried ever since to be a better person. It was a horrible thing to do, I was young and I like to think I’ve grown up a lot since then.

DHs sister has never liked me. I understand why and do my best to keep things civil. But to this day, 17 years later she still harps on about how I was the OW. She will do this to my face, behind my back, to other family members. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she claims “it’s just a joke” and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But no one laughs when she says it and it’s caused awkwardness at family functions. MIL has asked her to stop but SIL has a tendency to throw tantrums / be over the top and we all tend to pussyfoot around her so as not to set her off.

DH is the love of my life and we have a wonderful marriage. I fully take on board I did a terrible thing. I own up to that. AIBU to think we should all have moved on from 17 years ago? Or should I accept this is how things are and this is just a form of punishment for my bad behaviour.

OP posts:
Tolleshunt · 16/08/2019 15:08

Butchy Grin

In fairness, I only skimmed the second half. Was starting to lose the will to live by then!

SlowMoFuckingToes · 16/08/2019 17:06

no SIL is not married. In all the time I’ve known her she’s not dated anyone for longer than a year

In that case I'd be cracking old spinster jokes right back at her.

Frankola · 16/08/2019 19:32

Jesus. Someone has actually compared you to a murderer in these comments. How idiotic.

I honestly do not know why ANYONE but the people directly involved (ex, partner and person) have any right to an opinion on this subject. It isn't anything to do with anyone else. sils included.

Women (mostly) on here are horrid about OW op. You wont get many decent responses.

The thing is, the OW is villainised and it's made out shes ruined a perfect marriage when in all honesty someone in a happy or perfect marriage wouldn't cheat.

I'm not an OW by the way this whole attitude just appalls me.

IABUQueen · 16/08/2019 19:39

The thing is, the OW is villainised and it's made out shes ruined a perfect marriage when in all honesty someone in a happy or perfect marriage wouldn't cheat.

Marriages go through ups and downs. This statement is just not true and it’s a way for OW to feel better about themselves. And if the marriage wasn’t all happy it still needs to run its course before any intrusion.

Timandra · 16/08/2019 19:56

And if the marriage wasn’t all happy it still needs to run its course before any intrusion.

The OP stepped out of his life for six months. During that time he and his wife agreed on a divorce.

Running it's course will sometimes result in divorce as this one, probably quite rightly, did.

IABUQueen · 16/08/2019 20:11

No his wife didn’t “agree to a divorce”.. she was obviously not happy about it but he was the one that asked for it..

There’s a difference to be honest. Why would he? His mind was somewhere else

Timandra · 16/08/2019 20:16

No his wife didn’t “agree to a divorce”.. she was obviously not happy about it but he was the one that asked for it..

He asked and she eventually agreed. That means she agreed to a divorce and it happened while the OP was out of his life. She did what you are saying she should have done.

The OP isn't your DF's OW. You are projecting way too much.

Sotiredofthislife · 16/08/2019 20:34

He asked and she eventually agreed. That means she agreed to a divorce

To be fair, if your spouse serves divorce paperwork, there is really no other option but to agree to it. No solicitor would advise you to contest it in all but the most exceptional of circumstances because ultimately, you can’t force someone to stay married when they no longer wish to be married to you. It is not the same as ‘aggreeing’ to a divorce.

IABUQueen · 16/08/2019 20:46

To be fair, if your spouse serves divorce paperwork, there is really no other option but to agree to it.

Exactly. It’s not like she can coerce him to stay married to her nor is it a nice feeling to run after someone who is choosing someone else over you.

However, the decision to end the marriage was not due to them agreeing it together. The circumstances which the OP was part of pressured her. Not fair.

Secondly, I’m not stupid as to project someone else’s doings onto the op. As I said, I think my step mum is a selfish bitch and I don’t think OP is the same as she clearly has some sense of guilt. But experiences do teach us something. So stop being patronising and maybe I can accuse you of projecting your own undeclared experience of being OW or having someone dear to you be that... unto me.

At the end of the day I’m offering my opinion pretty clearly and elaborately and so you can discuss my points instead of hiding behind silly accusations.

IABUQueen · 16/08/2019 20:52

More so.. when someone is in the lust/infatuation stage, it does take a bit longer than 6 months to get s grip and get back to their senses. Especially if he opted to live away instead of trying to apologise for his wrong doing and make it work.

I do think if the OP wasn’t available at the back of his mind, since she probably confessed how she has not stopped thinking about him for god knows how long and it wasn’t a one night thing, I do think her presence and availability made him not want to try.

So he betrayed his vows and she facilitated.

She regretted but didn’t fix .

Honeyroar · 16/08/2019 21:01

At the end of the day the marriage wasn't right. Not everyone marries the right person unfortunately. He left his wife and married someone he really loved and has had a great marriage with. I think he did right. Staying with Mrs Wrong for another six months wouldn't have changed the fact that he wasn't married to the right person. Yes it's sad for Mrs Wrong, who might not have felt the same, but that's life. I would probably never have left my ex until he cheated, I'd probably still be with him now, but with hindsight he wasn't right for me and (many years later) I'm much happen with my husband than I ever was with my ex.

BunnyColvin · 16/08/2019 21:11

OP your DH is a complete wet blanket. This is his sister FFS! Tell him to man up and sort it!

Also, stop showing weakness. This was 17 years ago and there are now two humans in the world who had nothing to do with any of it. If your wet blanket of a DH won't deal with it, YOU deal with it!

Man alive, grow a pair!!

IABUQueen · 16/08/2019 21:14

Their marriage didn’t last because it was better than the previous.

It lasted because they worked on it.. both, willingly.

They’ve been to endless counselling as OP stated.

I’m sure if her DH was in a mindset to stay dedicated he would’ve went counselling with his ex... he would’ve tried until they both realised it’s not working.. he wouldn’t have needed to stop trying just because there was an easier option.

I think this Mr right non sense is fantasy.

How much would you bet that if at the time of his confusion, OP let her boyfriend at the beginning of the relationship work in the same office as his STBXW that he would’ve not been able to commit to a relationship with her hard enough for a relationship to last?

Why do so many women on here expect their husbands to not be too friendly spending days and days with their ex??

Because it’s simoly not just about Mr right and MR wrong. It’s about commitment and working on it.

IABUQueen · 16/08/2019 21:21

How much do you wanna bet that the OP learnt from the pain of the ex and ensured she communicated clear boundaries with her now DP about his interactions and flirting habits with women at the office..

How much work do you reckon he had to do to make her feel secure ?? Something he also owed his ex wife ?? Yet she was denied that because she didn’t have facts to fall back on to cause her to question ??

I think it is broadly unfair and a pisstake to rid those that cheat of responsibility under the guise that “the marriage wasn’t right anyway if he fell in love”.

Some men can compartmentalise. Love can be sinusoidal. Those catch phrases are frankly bullshit.

The emotional affair seemed to have lasted long enough for him to have reached a sinusoidal dip. And decided not to invest to make it go up again because someone else offered it to him without the hard work.. simple as

WestBerlin · 16/08/2019 21:22

But ultimately he wasn’t actually obligated to work at it, was he? If he felt something for the OP and wanted to pursue that then he was right to end his marriage as he did. They didn’t have a long, drawn out affair. They kissed, pulled away from each other, and he sorted out what he wanted to do as he was entitled to.

The advice on these boards tends to be that if you have feelings for someone else and want to pursue that, then end the relationship you’re in before you do so. That’s exactly what the OP and her husband did.

WestBerlin · 16/08/2019 21:26

Also, with regards to working through issues, maybe he didn’t want to work through issues with his ex. Maybe he realised the strength of feeling needed to do so honestly wasn’t actually there for him when it came to that relationship. Maybe the strength of feeling when it comes to working through issues on his relationship with the OP is there.

We can psycho analyse and extrapolate all we want. None of us know these people, or the ins and outs of their relationships.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 16/08/2019 21:28

Exactly WestBerlin.

IABUQueen · 16/08/2019 21:30

West it’s been a while since I read the beginning of the thread but didn’t the OP state they worked together for a while and it involved a bit of “flirting”... this wasn’t a one night kiss.. this was a full blown emotional affair. A one night kiss wouldn’t have “confession of love” involved.

And yes he did have an obligation to work at it. Or that’s my understanding. That’s what marriage vows are for....

CookieDoughKid · 16/08/2019 21:35

I think it is reasonable for her to judge you as an OW. But it is unreasonable for her to be rude openly in from of you or family members. She should keep her comments to herself.

CookieDoughKid · 16/08/2019 21:36

You are a different self now but it doesn't fix the past. All you can do is be civil for the future.

YobaOljazUwaque · 16/08/2019 21:38

How come you are taking all the agro here? It takes two to tango - you seem to have accepted that you did a terrible thing, was DH blameless, brought low by an evil woman? Or is that the same old sexist claptrap?

Sadly your DH was mistaken when he previously vowed he could be faithful to his ex forever. Turned out he couldn't. People make mistakes. His family love him and want to forgive him and they processed it by blaming the whole thing on you.

So where is DH when these digs and jibes happen? If he isn't firmly saying, every time, to leave it out and treat you better, then you have a bit of a DH problem and he needs to step up and make it clear that the two of you are a unit and an attack on you is an attack on him.

WestBerlin · 16/08/2019 21:40

They were friendly and feelings developed. It happens, it’s life. They didn’t, bar one drunken kiss, act on those feelings however. Both pulled back and the husband was upfront with his wife and respectful enough to end his marriage before embarking on anything properly with the OP. They did exactly what people are advised to do in these situations.

Anyone can end a relationship for any reason if they’re unhappy in it, and that includes marriages. No, you’re not actually obligated to work at something that isn’t right for you.

EC22 · 16/08/2019 21:42

She’s an arse.
17 years, get over it.
I would have to say something clear that it’s not on.

Timandra · 16/08/2019 21:47

maybe I can accuse you of projecting your own undeclared experience of being OW or having someone dear to you be that... unto me.

LOL!

You're in this way too deep and are using enormous assumptions to make the situation fit your views.

The OP did the right think by stepping away. The couple split and he contacted her again once the divorce was agreed. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that and the SIL has no right to keep dragging up the past to punish her.

I think I'll step away from responding to your posts now because there's little point in having discussions with someone who has lost all perspective.

7yo7yo · 16/08/2019 21:52

At some point op,
She will drip her poison into the kids ears.
I would tell her to stop or she will not see your kids again.

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