Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hold the title of OW for the rest of my life

463 replies

MatildaWormwood8 · 15/08/2019 12:53

So. 17 years ago DH left his ex wife for me. I was the OW. I’m not proud of this and I’ve tried ever since to be a better person. It was a horrible thing to do, I was young and I like to think I’ve grown up a lot since then.

DHs sister has never liked me. I understand why and do my best to keep things civil. But to this day, 17 years later she still harps on about how I was the OW. She will do this to my face, behind my back, to other family members. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she claims “it’s just a joke” and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But no one laughs when she says it and it’s caused awkwardness at family functions. MIL has asked her to stop but SIL has a tendency to throw tantrums / be over the top and we all tend to pussyfoot around her so as not to set her off.

DH is the love of my life and we have a wonderful marriage. I fully take on board I did a terrible thing. I own up to that. AIBU to think we should all have moved on from 17 years ago? Or should I accept this is how things are and this is just a form of punishment for my bad behaviour.

OP posts:
RoseMartha · 16/08/2019 07:37

My dc's use clearsil also

31RueCambon · 16/08/2019 07:41

@sofato5miles never a truer word typed

Not that people dont behave selfishly and thoughtlessly but the vitriol held specifically for cheating is not logical. It is is disproportionate to other worse behaviors.

verticality · 16/08/2019 07:46

"Its all aimed at me, not DH. She doesn’t say anything about him."

This gives you a valuable clue about how to handle it.

Next time she brings it up, say "Oh, are we back to this again? Yes, we did meet as an affair, but that was seventeen years ago now. Don't you think it's a bit old-fashioned and sexist to take this attitude, which focuses only on the woman? It takes two to tango, so I suggest you take this up with DH as the cheating husband". Make sure your DH already knows you are going to say this so he can swoop in.

EllebellyBeeblebrox · 16/08/2019 08:07

Well my dad's now wife was the other woman. They got together around 15 years ago after a long affair causing untold hurt to my mum obviously, myself and my younger brother. She made it difficult for us to continue a relationship with him, put such pressure on him about the financial aspects of their divorce they had to go through court and has continued to be as awkward as possible about him seeing us, and his grandchildren. The fact that my mum is still alone and unhappy compounds all of the above, and I will always see her as the other woman.

TheGodmother · 16/08/2019 08:17

Maybe she doesn't trust you with her husband? I wouldn't, a leopard doesn't change her spots.

sofato5miles · 16/08/2019 08:20

@TheGodmother. Then you are forever condemned to be someone who jumps the gun without knowing the facts, despite them being available, just to be a bitch.

More bloody projection.

TheGodmother · 16/08/2019 08:22

If your husband’s ex wife was so great, he would have stayed with her ffs

Omg yes it was the wife's fault, well done you for saving him! Well you've really shown your true colours!! @FiveFarthings 🙀

TheGodmother · 16/08/2019 08:26

@sofato5miles being a bitch? For saying her SIL probably doesn't trust her!! Then saying I'm projecting and don't know the facts!

The irony of your post is just delicious.

messolini9 · 16/08/2019 08:27

I haven't RTFT in sufficient detail to follow your timeline OP, but I suspect it was a bit murkier than that.

The story of your marriage is really sad, @Gladiolus45 - but if you HAD RTFT, you would have been able to see for yourself that the OP's behaviour was anything BUT murky.

She is nothing like the women who failed to respect your own marriage. Following one mistaken kiss, she backed right off & severed all contact. That is the extent of her mistake & involvement.

Original poster
MatildaWormwood8 · 16/08/2019 08:28

@TheGodmother SIL doesn’t have a husband. And I’m 100% sure I don’t want YOUR husband either so don’t worry dear Hmm

OP posts:
CupoTeap · 16/08/2019 08:28

How was she when it happened?

Everydayimhuffling · 16/08/2019 08:38

I agree with @Blondebakingmumma. Big yawn, "how tedious you are, SIL. It's been 17 years. Are you ever going to get new material?"

Also ask your DH what stupid/unpleasant things she did as a child. "Oh this again? Wasn't it you who stole a chocolate bar from the shop when you were 10?" "Oh this again? DH was just telling me about that time you forgot to pass on the message to your parents and he was stuck waiting ages for them to pick him up." Etc.

messolini9 · 16/08/2019 08:39

Then saying I'm projecting and don't know the facts!

But you obviously don't know the facts, @TheGodmother.
Not only are people here speculating on a non-existent affair, now we have a non-existent husband. The SiL is not married, or with a partner.
RTFT.

EverdeRose · 16/08/2019 08:43

You will forever be the OW. And if this happened in my family you and DH would be called much worse than that. They're is no acceptable reason for cheating or having an affair with a man you know is married.
I have no sympathy for you whatsoever.

You've made your bed...

MsTSwift · 16/08/2019 08:46

Christ even if you commit a crime once you leave prison you are entitled to move on with your life. My friends dad got 8 years fro fraud and left prison and now drives a taxi. It would be very odd and cruel if 17 years later he were still being berated regularly for his crime - he’s served his time as you have yours!

Raspberrytruffle · 16/08/2019 08:46

You reap what you sow

Bartlet · 16/08/2019 08:53

Having read over the years the bitterness and pettiness that many people on here seem to hold for anyone who they think have OW status, I can completely see why their OHs cheated on them.

Holy shit. A drunken kiss 17 years ago does not make someone a bad person and if you’re the kind of person who holds that kind of grudge then that makes you just look unpleasant.

IamHyouweegobshite · 16/08/2019 08:53

Coming from a family, whose dad had untold affairs, and being very protective of my mum. She kicked him out once, but he worked his way back in after six months.
This is not the same, you are not the ow. You didn't have an affair, yes you had a drunken kiss. You moved jobs, you had no contact for over six months, he chose to leave his wife and move out, based on one kiss. Something couldn't have been right in that relationship, he then waited to contact you.
It wasn't as if he left his wife and jumped straight into bed with you, it's completely different.

ukgift2016 · 16/08/2019 08:59

I wonder if your SIL is projecting onto you. Maybe her husband/boyfriend has cheated ON HER? So for her, you are the symbol of the OW and she feels this irrational hatred towards you.

WalkofShame · 16/08/2019 09:15

Sounds like there’s a reason SIL doesn’t have a husband.

I haven’t read the whole thread but enough to get a flavour that there are some very bitter people on here who are either unwilling to think beyond their own experience or unable to. Move on people!

OP enjoy your marriage and your family, when SIL starts on you, maybe look her directly in the eye and ask when she thinks she might find some new material because it’s getting a bit old. If she says it’s a joke, keep looking at her directly in the eye and ask ‘is it?’ If she says ‘lighten up’ explain that nobody else is laughing and it makes everyone present very uncomfortable. Maybe offer her the option of discussing her ongoing issues with you and your husband in a time / place where it won’t make other people fee awkward.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/08/2019 09:29

They're is no acceptable reason for cheating or having an affair with a man you know is married

Totally agree. You both did this and why would SIL pretend it’s ok. I’d be appalled if my brother had cheated and certainly wouldn’t have welcomed the OW into the family. You reap what you sow.

Original poster
MatildaWormwood8 · 16/08/2019 09:38

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss the pearl clutching is unreal

OP posts:
Rubicon80 · 16/08/2019 09:39

@messolini9

Not only are people here speculating on a non-existent affair

So months of 'closeness and flirting', followed by going out, getting drunk together and kissing wouldn't be cheating if someone did it to you?

@Bartlet

Having read over the years the bitterness and pettiness that many people on here seem to hold for anyone who they think have OW status, I can completely see why their OHs cheated on them

I've never been cheated on (to the best of my knowledge), but this is an absolutely fucking disgusting thing to write and you should hang your head in shame.

yikesanddang · 16/08/2019 09:41

Raspberrytruffle then you need to watch out. You are sowing bitterness and nastiness.

greenwaterbottle · 16/08/2019 09:42

Tell her sadly she won't be able to see her dn any more as you're both worried that her poisonous attitude to your relationship will be mentioned to the children.

Swipe left for the next trending thread