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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hold the title of OW for the rest of my life

463 replies

MatildaWormwood8 · 15/08/2019 12:53

So. 17 years ago DH left his ex wife for me. I was the OW. I’m not proud of this and I’ve tried ever since to be a better person. It was a horrible thing to do, I was young and I like to think I’ve grown up a lot since then.

DHs sister has never liked me. I understand why and do my best to keep things civil. But to this day, 17 years later she still harps on about how I was the OW. She will do this to my face, behind my back, to other family members. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she claims “it’s just a joke” and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But no one laughs when she says it and it’s caused awkwardness at family functions. MIL has asked her to stop but SIL has a tendency to throw tantrums / be over the top and we all tend to pussyfoot around her so as not to set her off.

DH is the love of my life and we have a wonderful marriage. I fully take on board I did a terrible thing. I own up to that. AIBU to think we should all have moved on from 17 years ago? Or should I accept this is how things are and this is just a form of punishment for my bad behaviour.

OP posts:
AE18 · 15/08/2019 23:54

My stepmum was the OW. She has now been married to my dad for 25 years (longer than he was married to my mum). She'll always be the OW to me.

I think the problem with comparisons like this is that of course she is, to you and to your mum, because you are directly involved. There's no real reason for her to be the OW forever to someone uninvolved who didn't even have a close enough relationship with the ex to maintain contact. To the SIL, OP is the woman he has been married to and has had children with for by far the biggest portion of his life, after having left an ex to be with her.

I really don't see why people who aren't involved need to take it so personally that they would hold this grudge unless the people involved have acted particularly deplorably or they are close to the ex themselves.

ValerianV · 16/08/2019 00:00

I really don't think this has anything to do with how you and your DH got together, this sounds like classic bullying to me. Bullies find a weakness button and press it to get a reaction, your button just happens to be feeling guilty about this.

If you had both been single when you met she would be exactly the same and would have found another perceived weakness.

zzzzzzzz12345 · 16/08/2019 00:00

Many good relationships stem from affairs. Sad but true. I know some solid, great marriages which do, and I don’t believe anyone should be blamed for life. One couple I know whose children were teens when their parents split up have never accepted the ‘new’ wife as a result. It’s very sad but to them the relationship broke their parents’ marriage. Maybe SIL feels this way? Not reasonable though. You didn’t have an affair - her brother did.

AhhhHereItGoes · 16/08/2019 00:05

I haven't seen so much misogyny since reading a MRA subreddit.

Yes, it's shit to cheat. It's shit to steal. It's shit to litter. But humans are fallible. They make mistakes, they do impulsive things - they are not machines.

They are also not the same person they were 20, 10 or even 1 year ago. We learn, adapt and review our behaviour.

To be tarred with a brush forever, is just ridiculous and that's in the case of a proper affair - this was attraction without action taken except a drunken kiss.

But it's always the woman who is at fault. She 'stole' him away, as if he is an item. This infantises men and makes them appear less in control of their actions. They'll accept it though, because it means they are not the target.

If it's not the OWs fault it's the wife's. Not the man who made several decisions that lead to whatever transpired. He was turned, possessed, enthralled. Nope, he was impulsive or he genuinely fell for someone. Either way, he took those actions willingly.

Even convicted criminals are expected to have new lives after a sentence and they actually did something seriously wrong. The mind boggles.

Inappropriatefemale · 16/08/2019 00:09

I used to think that 2 people couldn’t be happy on the back of another’s unhappiness but it’s not as black and white as this.

Grafittiqueen · 16/08/2019 00:09

Take a look at the relationship board OP. Read the pain experienced by those that have been cheated on.

It feels like an actual physical pain in your chest. I unfortunately have experienced it and it never ever goes away. I hope karma doesn't catch up with you as it's a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone.

You contributed to making someone else feel that pain forever, they will never forget, so why should you.

I wonder if your SIL has been cheated on before which is why she likes to remind you of what you have done?

I do agree that it's not fair that OW seem to get the blame more than men, your DH is more to blame.

PickAChew · 16/08/2019 00:13

However unseemly the beginning of your relationship might hve been, a lot of water has gone under the bridge since then. I bet his ex has moved on more than your SIL has.

31RueCambon · 16/08/2019 00:17

Reject that label! NObody is going to call you that to your face surely?!

Don't square up for it.

Your H's sister just musn't like you or musn't be very nice.

17 years and 2 kids, anybody who thinks of you as other woman before aunt to their niece and nephew is a bit of a dick at this point.

Hithere12 · 16/08/2019 00:21

Ok. So if my DP goes out and has a drunken snog, she automatically becomes the other woman

If he goes on a night out and snogs someone that is cheating on you. It doesn’t make her the OW unless it carries on.

Do you seriously not think kissing someone else is cheating on them?

Again I didn’t say OP was the OW as she wasn’t.

Hithere12 · 16/08/2019 00:25

So what's the MN verdict on married women who have an OM? Does the OM attract the same degree of opprobrium as an OW, or does the errant wife get the blame? (Suspect it's the latter)

Well OBVIOUSLY the MN verdict will be that it’s all the OM fault, he will be to blamed, continually shunned and NEVER forgiven by the family Hmm /sarcasm

Inappropriatefemale · 16/08/2019 00:25

Jeez this OP has been with her DH for 17 years and she doesn’t need a lecture on the pain that it caused, she knows it caused pain but she didn’t do it to the SIL, and nor did she come on here for a lecture, anyone lecturing her is as bad as the SIL!

I get that some here have been hurt by cheating, who hasn’t been at some point, but the OP didn’t hurt anyone here, that was somebody else.

Hithere12 · 16/08/2019 00:27

I would want my DH to put her in her place once and for all to be honest

Or OP needs to learn to be more assertive and put her in her place herself. There are a lot of vile people in the world, it’s good to be able to learn to stand up for yourself.

Ariela · 16/08/2019 00:37

You say she's a good aunt to your kids...so rather than attack, I'd say something joke-y but making the point that you don't hold a grudge :
'Well you know I was only the OW in order to get the best aunt for our kids'.

There's not a lot she can say to that.

ambereeree · 16/08/2019 00:51

Just sigh and say here we go again... Let's all look at SIL as she wants our attention again.

Graphista · 16/08/2019 00:58

In the interest as of full disclosure my marriage broke down due to his infidelity with a mutual friend 16 years ago. I also don't agree with the "he was the one made vows" bollocks. If someone knows the person they're interested in is married/in a committed relationship they too have a moral duty to stay the fuck away!

But what's done is done. Yes it's painful, but for the love of fuck!

If I could cope with her ("my" ow) looking after dd and having a relationship with her, marrying exh and having DC with him, even on occasions caring for those DC myself to allow them to spend time with dd and socialise with her at events for exh wider family your sil can certainly let this go!

She is being bloody ridiculous!

It's not funny, or clever or morally acceptable even. When she is making comments to people other than you or dh how bloody awkward must they feel?! That's her being rude and inconsiderate to them!

Your dh (as its his bloody sister) needs to tell her to pack it the fuck in or else! The or else being he calls her out publicly on her stupid, petty, vindictive behaviour.

She can't criticise you and not dh as you were both complicit in the event she is criticising.

HOW are mil and dh telling her to shut up? It doesn't sound as if they're doing it strongly enough to make her zip it!

Quite honestly I think your dh needs to arrange to meet her alone, somewhere neutral, and say something like "shut the fuck up about this! It's been 17 years, I was just as guilty of poor behaviour in the matter, your comments are NOT funny in ANY way! They are disrespectful, hurtful and fucking offensive to the woman I LOVE and RESPECT and to ME AND our DC. If you are incapable as mature adult of treating her with civility and respect then I am not interested in spending ANY time with you"

And mean it. It's all well and good not wanting to rock the boat initially but there comes a point enough is enough and your dh and the rest of his family should be getting her to wind her bloody neck in!

I wouldn't want my kids around her in your position in case she makes inappropriate comments on the matter in front of them, which particularly as they get older they may start to feel is a criticism of their very existence by their aunt!

Inappropriatefemale · 16/08/2019 01:00

Ariela isn’t telling her that she’s a great aunt a bit like kissing her arss when she’s been awful? She doesn’t deserve to be told this, imo anyway.

PonderingPanda · 16/08/2019 01:17

Another one who thinks she needs to get over it ..... and my XH is still with the OW 2 years on - so much more recent!

IAmNotAWitch · 16/08/2019 01:34

It doesn't actually matter why your SIL is being a twat to you.

You can either roll over and put up with it, tell her to pull her fucking head in (and just let the fall out fall) or not see her at all.

I don't subject myself to dickheads. It makes life nice and simple.

SlowMoFuckingToes · 16/08/2019 01:35

You need to call her out. If she does it again tell her it's ridiculous and you won't stand for it. Leave. Too bad for MIL. MIL will need to grow a backbone. It doesn't matter what the "joke" is if someone is repeatedly making fun of you and refusing to stop then leave. Everyone gets boundaries even if you once upon a time had an affair. What's sad little woman she is!

BogglesGoggles · 16/08/2019 01:41

While you have tarred yourself for life, it’s a bit weird that she’s hung into it for so long. I suppose some people like kicking others when they are down. Either that or she just really dislikes you and doesn’t have the manners to conceal it.

Inappropriatefemale · 16/08/2019 01:47

I think the OP has only been ‘tarred for life’ from extremely small minded people, not everyone would be tarred for life for a small mistake.

I think the SIL is an extremely insecure woman and probably jealous of women who are attractive, calling a woman a slut because she got a boob job speaks volumes!

OP your SIL isn’t named Clair by any chance is it?Hmm

FiveFarthings · 16/08/2019 01:54

I am an OW. My husband’s first wife was fucking vile (emotional abuser). We met and fell in love whilst he was still married. He left her immediately and we got together- 6 years later we are now married, with a beautiful newborn daughter.

There were a few comments at the start from people, but I wouldn’t expect anything after 17 years, especially not from family!

If your husband’s ex wife was so great, he would have stayed with her ffs! 17 years is a long time to be married, it’s clear you’re not just some cheating strumpet who broke up a marriage for fun!

His sister is out of order and needs to put a sock in it!

Blondebakingmumma · 16/08/2019 02:11

I’d just do a dramatic yawn and say you really need some new material you are boring everyone

sofato5miles · 16/08/2019 07:25

I have the opinion that people dress up their opinion on cheating as morals but actually it's fear that it could happen to them.

Tarred for life is just fucking bloody ridiculous. Honestly, in RL I have NEVER heard such tripe ( and I had the most evil of Step mothers, who tried to destroy my father's relationship with his previous children).

user159 · 16/08/2019 07:32

I do think this is a little unfair. Did they have children? (Sorry if I've missed that!) if not then it really should have been put to bed by now.
FWIW, I was cheated on (albeit not married), he eventually left me for her and they've gone on to marry and have children, as have I. Yep it was crap and caused unnecessary pain but no one is perfect and ultimately it was the right outcome.