AIBU to be annoyed with very loud toddler on rush hour train?

[custarddonut]

On a packed commuter train this morning was an incredibly noisy toddler (he must have been around 3 – 3 and a half or so). As I got on the train he was raging, mid-tantrum, wailing that he wanted a particular seat on the train, and that he wanted the train to be going the other way to the direction it was actually travelling in. This was actually quite funny, if annoying, and went on for about 10 minutes. His mother was very nice and calm, didn’t really do or say much but eventually he stopped with his tantrum. However, for the rest of the journey, he was talking in what I can only think was the very top of his voice, narrating the things he saw, just general toddler chat I suppose (it was quite sweet really). His mother was sort of engaging with him in a nice way. But my genuine question is whether parents should try and help toddlers to moderate their speaking volume sometimes, or is this just a ridiculous / unreasonable thought / an absolute fantasy? For context, it was a rush hour train, most people looked like they might have been trying to read newspapers / check work emails etc. Everyone has an equal right to be on any train they like but I just wonder whether one should expect a bit more peace and quiet in rush hour? Or am I mad to think that you can ever expect to moderate or control how a toddler speaks or indeed the volume of it? Currently expecting my first child and I have no idea how I would personally approach this, but I am conscious that I found the toddler this morning incredibly irritating and distracting. AIBU?

Fuck sakes he is a toddler !!!!! Just move carriage

Some 3 year olds can be quietened down but many can't. It also depends upon the mood they are in. Adults having loud conversations are more irritating because most of the time they can quieten this down.

What do you suggest OP? Gaffer tape?

YABU. Yes it’s annoying but imagine being the poor mum knowing there are people like you judging her and starting threads on MN about her noisy son?

That will be you one day.

Don’t you have an iPhone was music and headphones?

@amusedbush

Honestly? I read up to "currently pregnant" and skimmed the rest as I was put off by expectant mothers judging the parenting of others, especially with no context. The rest of my post still stands.

It's a special kind of arse that is sarcastic or condescending when wishing someone congratulations on a pregnancy. It's difficult to sound genuine online, especially when the assumption is that every other poster is a goady troll. Make of that what you will but I wouldn't feel the need to falsely congratulate anyone, especially on something as important as wishing someone a healthy pregnancy...

SeriouslyEnoughAlreadyRantOver the child was talking. The tantrum was handled, what the OP has a problem with is a child talking.

There's at least one adult entranced with the sound of their own voice monologuing into a mobile on every commuter train...

Honestly though op, DS has a speech delay and suspected asd... I’d do just about anything to avoid a rush hour train, because dear god, but if I had to and he was talking to me, I would not be shushing him. I’d be bursting that he was talking and engaging. Honestly, it would make my week.

No doubt you’d be busy judging not only his volume, but also his indistinct pronunciation and signing.

what do you do at home then? Have a screaming toddler non-stop for hours because he's not interested in anything? i don't buy it.

At home you can take them out - they can play in the garden, go to the park - on a train you're trapped.

I don't see the problem. Children that age can understand be quiet or there will be a consequence. If neccessary get off the train.

I would take the toddler over the horrendous people I had to put up with on my train journey yesterday. One woman moaning and flapping as loud as possible non stop with every other word a swear word about how long her journey was. She had the nerve to raise her eyebrows at the woman behind her who was talking and whining at her children at the highest volume possible when the kids were pretty quiet and to my side was a group of “lads” discussing their experiences of sleeping with (most likely imaginary) women and looking out the window to decide if a “fit” girl was over the age of 15

Currently expecting my first child and I have no idea how I would personally approach this

OMG the irony.

Maybe you should have intervened OP? You know, said something, let that mum know she was well out of order? Was there anyone else you could have put to rights? Teenagers with feet on seats? A Nose picker? Tourists opening a large map? There are soooo many people who really should know better during rush hour ....

Mine's 8 and will still talk the entire journey given half a chance.. or hum an annoying tune to himself.

I feel like I'm continuously saying 'indoor voice' or 'DS1 - please shush' - it just goes in one ear and out the other, and if I can't get a 9 year old to sit quietly, then someone with a talkative 3 year old doesn't stand a chance.

My 5 year old will happily just sit and look out the window though, so I think it's an individual kid thing, rather than a parenting failure on my part.

The best way to deal with a tantrum in my experience is to not engage with it. Stay calm and near and let the child calm down.

Maybe she should have reminded him to use his in door voice but I won’t expect him to actually be able to do that.

I have hyperacusis, which is to say very sensitive hearing.

I have known only a couple of children (both boys) who appear to be incapable of speaking in anything other than a SHOUT. One is now 7 and still does this. He certainly has no hearing issues himself. The parents of both these boys are good about quietening them down when I'm around because they know that this volume is actually physically painful for me to be around for any length of time, but I get the impression that the boys are allowed to yell away like this all the rest of the time. I also get the feeling with one family that their DD would not be allowed to shout like this.

Just move carriage there speaks someone who's never been on a packed commuter train.

I guarantee if she had pulled a book out to read to her 3yo she would have been classed as a performance parent.

I had to commute every day for 4 years with a 6 month- 4.5 year old, on a silent commuter train to get to work and cheap Nursery I coped by feeding my child with a mountain of snacks despite the fact I was paying for him to have breakfast at nursery which he never ate, plus the buggy was destroyed daily with Ella’s kitchen and those fucking flaky finger crisps things, rammed unnecessary bottle in his mouth most of the journey too, thank gawd not too many screechy meltdowns

I'd much rather have an excitable toddler on my train than the person talking and laughing loudly on their phone, the person spreading themselves over 2 seats, the person eating stinky food, the drunk/hungover person who stinks so bad it makes me heave, the inconsiderate w*nkers who refuse to give up their seats for someone less able to stand, the list is endless!

Trains are for everyone including children.

I suppose I should have expected nothing less from my AIBU but to be clear, I intended to pose the question without judgement, as quite clearly I do NOT yet have personal experience of this! Hence asking the question... I don't think I'm unreasonable to ask the question, but I have now had the answers I broadly expected, which is that basically toddlers will be toddlers! I have no expectation as to how my own child will turn out and suspect it will be much like everyone else. I don't for a second presume that I will have a perfectly quiet child (indeed, I hope I am able to raise a confident, bubbly kid). I just wondered whether there could ever be a reasonable expectation of being able to ask a toddler to moderate volume (specifically this bit; not the tantrum bit). But it seems I have been naive (and lots of you have assumed I've been snooty here, that honestly wasn't the intention). Totally agree that plenty of commuters, young or old, can be anti-social. I already acknowledged in my OP that everyone has the right to use the trains any time they want. It was a packed carriage though so not like anyone could have moved.

Missingstreetlife the child was chatting - the op herself says it was quite sweet - wtf would you get off the train, miss whatever appointment you were going to and pay for a new ticket? You can bet non of the very important commuters get off the train in order to speak into their phones!

Some people are insane - this child wasn't screaming for an hour or climbing over seats or running around or smearing food about or making rude comments or anything else an adult wouldn't do - he was talking slightly too loudly!

Bloody hell some people get off on pretending to be or actually being as intolerant of harmless behaviour as possible if there's a child involved!

Jeez what a pile on!
I didn't find the OP that judgey more a question as an inexperienced parent to experienced ones. Is this normal or can you moderate your children's volume? All the talk of karma and such is nonsense. Some children especially 3-3.5 year olds can and do speak at lower volume levels.
It's about finding a SENSIBLE place between children being seen and not heard and children having zero regard for anyone else.

I guarantee if she had pulled a book out to read to her 3yo she would have been classed as a performance parent.

I disagree. It's all about how it's done. The defining characteristic of a performance parent is one who is equally as loud as this toddler ie is reading the book to the whole train. Reading a book very quietly to calm their child down is the antithesis of performance parenting.

Toddlers are attention seeking knobs much of the time. Rewarding them with attention, good or bad, just fuels the fire.

I have to get on a commuter train with my toddler next week and am absolutely dreading it, precisely because I can't completely control their volume. They usually focus on one person to say "HIYA!" to before I can [try to] distract them. I cajole, I distract, I explain, but short of getting off the train before my stop, I'm at a loss. I've actually apologised to train staff before now, who were lovely, and fought back tears when I've heard other passengers slagging my child and I off. It's horrible but it's not my toddler's fault. They love the train and are so happy. It breaks my heart a bit.

YABU. I think people have forgotten what children are actually like when they're free to engage with the world and not stuck in front of a screen.