AIBU to be annoyed with very loud toddler on rush hour train?

[custarddonut]

On a packed commuter train this morning was an incredibly noisy toddler (he must have been around 3 – 3 and a half or so). As I got on the train he was raging, mid-tantrum, wailing that he wanted a particular seat on the train, and that he wanted the train to be going the other way to the direction it was actually travelling in. This was actually quite funny, if annoying, and went on for about 10 minutes. His mother was very nice and calm, didn’t really do or say much but eventually he stopped with his tantrum. However, for the rest of the journey, he was talking in what I can only think was the very top of his voice, narrating the things he saw, just general toddler chat I suppose (it was quite sweet really). His mother was sort of engaging with him in a nice way. But my genuine question is whether parents should try and help toddlers to moderate their speaking volume sometimes, or is this just a ridiculous / unreasonable thought / an absolute fantasy? For context, it was a rush hour train, most people looked like they might have been trying to read newspapers / check work emails etc. Everyone has an equal right to be on any train they like but I just wonder whether one should expect a bit more peace and quiet in rush hour? Or am I mad to think that you can ever expect to moderate or control how a toddler speaks or indeed the volume of it? Currently expecting my first child and I have no idea how I would personally approach this, but I am conscious that I found the toddler this morning incredibly irritating and distracting. AIBU?

Lol, this was me pre-child. ‘Why doesn’t that parent control that child. If that child were mine I’d xyz.’

Then I had a child...

In my experience there are two types of people, the ones who look at you wrangling a tantruming toddler and judge, and the ones who give you sympathetic looks. I can guess which of those two groups are more likely to have their own DC.

Do come back and update us in a few years OP.You might have a lovely placid child who doesn’t so much as squeak, or you might have a screeching little shit who enjoys tormenting you.

FYI mine was quite sweet and well behaved most of the time, but he had his moments, like any littlun. That was trying enough, so now when I see another mother wrestling a little ball of screaming fury I only have sympathy.

Oh lolololollllll, you are in for a nasty shock my love. Your child will not be perfect I’m afraid - they are at some point going to do something that annoys the general public, whether that’s crying, pooping, or puking as a baby, tantruming or running off as a toddler (never underestimate how wriggly a toddler can be when you have your hands full already), making LOUD COMMENTS about people (mum still shudders when she recalls me basically yelling ‘That lady is smoking! She’s so silly Mummy, smoking is REALLY BAD for you’ at maximum volume), or not being totally aware of others around them, or for some people just basically existing as children rather than as scaled down, fully formed adults. I hope that when this inevitably happens you find some sympathy from bystanders rather than judgement and tuts.

I think the issue is hidden in plain site. The OP doesn’t think a toddler should be on a rush hour train!

I understand what you're saying OP, and yes I do think it's possible to try and moderate or control a toddler, especially one that is 3 years old, or at least make it look to others around you that you are aware and trying to do something.

I think a 3 year old is old enough to have some awareness of people around them. I took my 3 year olds to the cinema (prepared to leave if necessary), to restaurants and on public transport and accepted that it would be pretty full on for me to keep them engaged but I would try.

Of course it's not always going to work.

Now what I didn't have ANY control over was my son's fever-induced delirious episode last night.

I think the hardest age in this respect is between about 18 months and 3 ie mobile but not really bribable! I'm thinking about long haul flights - it all got much easier once they turned 3.

I hope all goes well with your new baby.

In two years time you are going to be eating your words. Good luck with that, you might even get lucky and have someone tell you to shut your kid up..... then you will remember this time lol.

On a serious note, congrats on the impending arrival... enjoy your bay :-)

From reading here though if you keep your toddler quiet with a screen you’re an awful human and if you talk back or heaven forbid sing you’re performance parenting- literally no matter what you do it won’t be right for someone. Personally my pet peeve is parents shushing their kids, I feel the shushing is simultaneously an annoying noise and a constant reminder that the toddler is loud. It drives me around the bend. I’d rather hear a running commentary on why that lady is eating a banana and was it delicious and she must have had a rumbly tummy and her tummy is so happy now.

^baby, not bay^ sorry

Aha aha hahaha hahaha a

You'll learn. YABU.

Of course yabu for judging, you too one day might find yourself locked into your own home with your screaming child for fear of your own judgement.

Children are not meant to behave like adults, it’s concerning that this child irritated you- you’re due your own soon, babies and toddlers can be guided, not controlled.

Currently expecting my first child

Oh dear you have a lot to learn which is coming your way 😂

Oh, you just wait, having your own child will be a huge learning curve for you 😂

Hopefully, You’ll look back on this thread one day and go “What the f**k was I thinking?”😂

Lazy and disrespectful parent, probably full of excuses, I can't stand them.

Yes, toddlers get noisy and bored, children do too, and frankly so do adults. It's the parent's job to teach them, to bring enough things to keep them occupied and try to minimise inconvenience for others.

Adults behaving like antisocial idiots do not make it right!

YANBU
Parents know their children, know what they like and what work, and if it means travelling with a huge backpack full of stuff to go through 1 hour of train, so be it.

Currently expecting my first child
If only you had put this at the beginning, I could have saved myself three minutes reading the rest of it.

I don't have toddlers any more but would always prefer to listen to a loud but happy / not tantruming toddler waffling to a quietly responding parent than a loud parent performance parenting at a toddler, or a loud upset toddler being ignored or shouted at by a parent, or a loud adult narrating endless voice message monologues into a mobile phone, or having a loud phonecall on speaker phone, or a loud conversation with another adult about something very dull or very private or bei G sexist in an "I'm enjoying the fact women can hear my horrible views and won't say anything because they shouldn't be listening" way... Or several adults drinking cans of beer and being loud and a tiny bit intimidating... All of which also regularly happen on busy trains.

The only way to moderate the volume of a toddler is to reply to them very quietly, usually they eventually match your volume, but not always. As long as the parent wasn't being loud or ignoring the child I think you are BU.

Additionally the child was very likely to be younger than you thought - I found that almost everyone without very extensive experience of a lot of different babies, toddlers, preschool children and primary age children guesses the age of pretty much every child oldsef than their own incorrectly.

People constantly used to thi k my DS was older than my DD when they were little but he's 18 months younger - he was a tall, sturdy toddler with thick hair and she was dainty with fluffy curls, but anyone who spent a lot of time around children would have known from her face and language that she was older. Didn't stop parents of babies smiling at her in the under 5s area of soft play places and growling that he was too old to be in there when he was 3 and she was 4!

It is good for toddlers to talk about what they are seeing etc so I wouldn't want the mum to shush the toddler meaning stop him from speaking entirely.

I don't think it's totally unreasonable to remind a child to use a quieter tone of voice though - I always have. But I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that this child wouldn't respond to that, rather than that she didn't bother trying.

Probably she was relieved he was not tantrumming any more. Ignoring a tantrum is usually the quickest way to stop it, so that sounds fine.

I don't even have children and all I can say to this is good luck in 3 years. Remember this thread in a few years and rethink what you thought.

Parents know their children, know what they like and what work, and if it means travelling with a huge backpack full of stuff to go through 1 hour of train, so be it.

And when the child decides they aren't interested in ANY of the stuff you've packed?

YANBU that it's annoying, but to be fair there are a fair few adults who speak to their travelling companion as though they were sitting in their living room at home. I blame their parents for not training them properly as toddlers

Ah, OP. I too was the best parent in the world until I had children .

There is, of course, a difference between a child being a child and a parent ignoring bad behaviour; the sort of threads on here where people have seen children screeching and running in a restaurant whilst the parents stare at their phones are a different kettle of fish. But that doesn’t sound to be the case here.

Lots of luck with your pregnancy

I really don't know why other posters are being so snippy? I didn't allow DS to shout, and would remind him to lower his voice and use an 'indoor voice'.

At what point do you start teaching DC to be considerate of others then? If you don't start young, how can you expect them to do it at 10 or a teenager?

If it's the choice of my son talking loudly, or screaming because he's been told to pipe down, I'll go for the loud talking anytime. OP you will learn you cannot reason with a toddler, they simply don't have that capacity yet.

but I just wonder whether one should expect a bit more peace and quiet in rush hour
I was a bit wtf at this though - are commuters a special breed that deserve different treatment to other travellers?

HulksPurplePanties

what do you do at home then? Have a screaming toddler non-stop for hours because he's not interested in anything? i don't buy it.

Aww You sound just like me when I was pregnant with my first child. It was all going to be roses, my baby would feed gurgle sweetly and then sleep quietly in the corner whilst I got on with worthwhile projects and then would follow happy times feeding the ducks with my sweet smiley toddler. That never happened. Think a baby who wanted to feed 24/7 and never slept for more than two hours in the first six months, just getting dressed during the day was an achievement, feeding was agony at first anyway, not surprisingly she grew into a hyperactive toddler, at 18 months she literally walked to Hong Kong on a 12 hour flight. At three having a meltdown in the supermarket I calmly said if she didn’t stop by the time I counted three... She responded “Ha I laugh in the face of danger” Lion King - you too will know it off by heart, along with Jungle Book Little Mermaid, the entire box set of Madeleine etc. etc etc Keep her quiet? Just keeping her in a seat was an achievement. She is a research scientist now so finally found something that satisfies her endless curiousity. Really, just chill and take it as it comes.....

Though I must say I did take exception to the parents who decided their child was entitled to watch cartoons on their iPad at full volume, no earphones for a two hour flight. It was not unreasonable to be annoyed by that.....

are commuters a special breed that deserve different treatment to other travellers?

commuters are, usually not always sadly, the ones getting on with it and stuck in their books or tablets whilst tourists are loud and in the way.

My early morning train is dead silent, always, unless some idiot on a jolly decide to make a show of themselves. Thankfully, it's not too often.

@AnneElliott
I really don't know why other posters are being so snippy? I didn't allow DS to shout, and would remind him to lower his voice and use an 'indoor voice'.

Wow - your 3yo does everything you tell him to? What's your secret?