AIBU to be annoyed with very loud toddler on rush hour train?

[custarddonut]

On a packed commuter train this morning was an incredibly noisy toddler (he must have been around 3 – 3 and a half or so). As I got on the train he was raging, mid-tantrum, wailing that he wanted a particular seat on the train, and that he wanted the train to be going the other way to the direction it was actually travelling in. This was actually quite funny, if annoying, and went on for about 10 minutes. His mother was very nice and calm, didn’t really do or say much but eventually he stopped with his tantrum. However, for the rest of the journey, he was talking in what I can only think was the very top of his voice, narrating the things he saw, just general toddler chat I suppose (it was quite sweet really). His mother was sort of engaging with him in a nice way. But my genuine question is whether parents should try and help toddlers to moderate their speaking volume sometimes, or is this just a ridiculous / unreasonable thought / an absolute fantasy? For context, it was a rush hour train, most people looked like they might have been trying to read newspapers / check work emails etc. Everyone has an equal right to be on any train they like but I just wonder whether one should expect a bit more peace and quiet in rush hour? Or am I mad to think that you can ever expect to moderate or control how a toddler speaks or indeed the volume of it? Currently expecting my first child and I have no idea how I would personally approach this, but I am conscious that I found the toddler this morning incredibly irritating and distracting. AIBU?

This made me smile as I remember a trip to london ,where my son about 2 ish spent the entire journey crying and trying to open the door .No matter how much reassurance we gave, and the idea that jumping out of a moving train was never really going to be a good idea!.Luckily for us ,some sympathetic passengers smiled and tried to pacify him until he gave up and fell asleep!.Children are just Children, and a little one on public transport will always be challenging TBH!

Toddlers are annoying so i suppose YANBU. I'd still rather sit next to a toddler than a tutting elbowy manspreader checking work emails though.

My mother likes to judge people's parenting and declare that she'd never have let us behave like that, she always did XYZ. She forgets that my sister is 9 years younger than me and I remember how she parented her even though I obviously can't remember what she did or didn't do when I was a toddler. Her excellent and wholly successful parenting resulting in immaculate behaviour is almost entirely a work of fiction and history rewritten

The parents whose excellent parenting results in perfect behaviour are those who's children are as yet unborn or tiny babies, or those who've had time and inclination to (undoubtedly innocently) rewrite history in their own memory and become utterly convinced that their rose tinted rewrite is what really happened...

Aside from those groups, a toddler chatting sweetly but slightly too loudly during a crowded train journey is a good parenting outcome, not bad.

It's not an unreasonable question to ask OP. Toddler-wrangling looks totally different once you've had more experience at doing it, that's all. So eg to you, it looked like the mother wasn't really doing or saying anything during his tantrum, but probably her staying calm and not reacting to the tantrum is why he calmed down and didn't keep tantruming the whole way home.

No idea why people thought you were being malicious to be honest. I thought you sounded naive at best.

It's easy for adults, people don't remember how they acted as a toddler. You very rarely have actual memories of back then. And I doubt any of them are about how you once screamed the place down because the sky wasn't pink and you wanted it to be pink. An example obviously of how dramatic toddlers can be. God knows what I was like, I'm sure I'm only alive today because a mother's love tends to outweigh all other emotions. 😂

My morning and evening commutes are the last place I'd expect to get a bit of 'peace and quiet', toddler or not. YABU

toddler-wrangling is a brilliant expression!

Yanu to wish the toddler would use an indoor voice.

I'll take a loud toddler over someone eating on a train any day of the week. And eating stinky, hot food? I'd even endure a tantrum!

All this "wait until you have toddlers" is ridiculous. I've had toddlers, and no, they don't have to talk the whole time. When we took public transport, while I didn't expect them to be silent, I did explain that other people on the bus/train were 'tired' and so we needed to be quiet. I made sure we had something to occupy them, and they were fine.

am I mad to think that you can ever expect to moderate or control how a toddler speaks or indeed the volume of it?

Yeah, pretty much, as PPs have piled on to let you know!

Depends on toddler age (12 months to 2 years, no chance!), personality, all sorts.

We went for some gentle reminders of volume but honestly, if they’ve just calmed down from a massive tantrum and it’s a commuter train on the morning and you’ve (presumably) got a long day ahead you’re just thanking your lucky stars they’re not actually bawling again!

Parenthood is a marvellous thing ... but enjoy your pregnancy because soon you will be looking back wistfully at commuting!

Good luck with your first OP!

I have to take commuter trains sometimes with me 3 year old as he has appointments at Great Ormond St hospital. I often feel like people are judging me and thinking I shouldn't be travelling at that time. Although often people are really kind as well and help me with the pram, etc. It is really hard to moderate toddlers' behaviour and it sounds like she was doing her best.

I adore toddlers, they are anarchists.

Hmm OP you've been pretty judgemental but don't like people judging you....

The situation may or may not have been handled as well as it could have been. But all toddlers are annoying at least some of the time. You'll find this out.

The trouble is that nobody knows exactly what toddlers are like until you actually have one. Just about everyone has judged a mother of children when they were single and carefree, and vowed that, when they were in that position there was no way they would - allowsweets/giveintotantrum/puttheTVon etc etc...

Parenting toddlers is one of those jobs that everyone thinks they can do better than the people actually doing it. And then eventually they realise...

OP your post came across as really reasonable, balanced and not judgy at all. Unfortunately, this is just what Aibu is like these days. You can find some good advice and witty responses on threads where the OP is posting about a clearly insane, inappropriate, 'zilla' type situation, but threads started by people asking a genuine question about something slightly divisive are just dickhead magnets.

Look on the bright side - at least now you know who the dickheads are on here!

Ha ha ha ha!! Come back to this post in a couple of years time and give yourself a good laugh!

I'm a parent of 2 under 10's but over 5 (like herding cats sometimes!) and I always try to get them to behave when on trains.

This morning I got the train - parents with 2 DC - one girl approx 5 - she was quite well behaved actually, a bit naughty maybe, but towards the end of the 30 minute journey she was climbing around and laying with dirty trainers on her seat (e.g.on arm rests etc) and the one next to it where her dad sat (across her dad's lap) and before that hadn't sat down in her seat properly so moved up and down fast and whilst doing so, kicked me under the table... I didn't say anything but was reminded that when we were DC on public transport (we often drove) - we always were reminded to sit still, not climb on seats etc.

But you'll get your arse handed to you on a plate here for daring to criticise this toddler or other children on public transport come to that.

Actually in your scenario OP - the mother could have and should've done something with him to distract him - reading books, tablets, playing quietly etc. No need to have him being loud and a toddler is not too young to get to use a quiet voice in a suitable situation.

Toddlers are loud, moody & very hard to distract or quiet down when tantrums hit OP, so the mother did her best. Past age 4 or 5 I think they should be capable of learning social norms tho. The 8year old I suffered on my commute springs to mind. Deafening, mindless monologue. I used to change carriages at next stop if he got on. And as ex teacher, who saw him daily for months, there was definitely no reason he wouldn't be able to understand "inside voice please, you're shouting. "

HA. Just you wait. You seem to think this is an easy thing to do? #rookiemistake. And stop being so judgemental.

I didn't say anything but was reminded that when we were DC on public transport (we often drove) - we always were reminded to sit still, not climb on seats etc.

People often talk about their memories of being told to behave well when they were children:

a) if you remember it you were probably older than you think
b) there was a reason you had to be told - you weren't already magically doing it

Actually in your scenario OP - the mother could have and should've done something with him to distract him - reading books, tablets, playing quietly etc. No need to have him being loud and a toddler is not too young to get to use a quiet voice in a suitable situation

Maybe she’d already tried that with him? Maybe she didn’t have anything with her to distract him? Maybe it doesn’t work anyway so she doesn’t bother?

She was engaging with him and from the sound of it was being patient and understanding with him. I’m sure she was well aware of the noise he was making too.

no, not all toddlers are loud, and not all toddlers are hard to stop being loud. They don't all have tantrums either. That is simply bullshit.