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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with very loud toddler on rush hour train?

380 replies

custarddonut · 15/08/2019 10:23

On a packed commuter train this morning was an incredibly noisy toddler (he must have been around 3 – 3 and a half or so). As I got on the train he was raging, mid-tantrum, wailing that he wanted a particular seat on the train, and that he wanted the train to be going the other way to the direction it was actually travelling in. This was actually quite funny, if annoying, and went on for about 10 minutes. His mother was very nice and calm, didn’t really do or say much but eventually he stopped with his tantrum. However, for the rest of the journey, he was talking in what I can only think was the very top of his voice, narrating the things he saw, just general toddler chat I suppose (it was quite sweet really). His mother was sort of engaging with him in a nice way. But my genuine question is whether parents should try and help toddlers to moderate their speaking volume sometimes, or is this just a ridiculous / unreasonable thought / an absolute fantasy? For context, it was a rush hour train, most people looked like they might have been trying to read newspapers / check work emails etc. Everyone has an equal right to be on any train they like but I just wonder whether one should expect a bit more peace and quiet in rush hour? Or am I mad to think that you can ever expect to moderate or control how a toddler speaks or indeed the volume of it? Currently expecting my first child and I have no idea how I would personally approach this, but I am conscious that I found the toddler this morning incredibly irritating and distracting. AIBU?

OP posts:

flashdancer19 · 15/08/2019 17:17

Really? Are you saying that everyone, if they could makes as much noise as they wanted, would scream at the top of their voice? I disagree - it's far more likely that 'making as much noise as you want' means talking loudly rather than shouting or screaming, which is an effort in itself.

He's a small child, if you asked him to make as much noise as possible he would scream and shout. He wasn't making as much noise as he could. Three year old are different to adults......

RiftGibbon · 15/08/2019 17:18

My DC and all their classmates seem incapable of using 'indoor voices' and toddler-hood has long passed.

HiJenny35 · 15/08/2019 17:20

oh please let someone bump this thread in three years time when you have your child. No you can't make a toddler stop mid tantrum or lower the voice, they don't have that control yet.

ScreamingValenta · 15/08/2019 17:24

He wasn't making as much noise as he could. Three year old are different to adults......

Yes - I know that. That's why I made a point of saying: Obviously there will be some people who can't moderate themselves due to age or disability

flashdancer19 · 15/08/2019 17:29

@ScreamingValenta I have zero idea what you are getting at.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 15/08/2019 17:36

Ah the threenager year - you'll realise when it's your own child OP that there is little to nothing you can do when they are that age and they go off on one

The tantrums are spectacular and there is no amount of parenting guides that will get you through one of those unfortunately

You're in absolute fantasy land if you think parenting is so easy that by just asking a 3 year old to lower their voice they are actually going to do it!

Looking forward to your threads in 3 years time 🤣

glueandstick · 15/08/2019 17:37

Telling mine to shush ended up with a full on screaming fit and vomit.

Genuinely wish I hadn’t said anything now.

Good luck. God speed.

ScreamingValenta · 15/08/2019 17:38

flashdancer19

A poster said OP was being U because it was "PUBLIC" transport and not as though the child was being noisy at a funeral or meditation retreat.

I said that when you were in public you should still behave quietly and with consideration for others.

I then clarified that I meant this should be the default you aim at when out and about, rather than thinking 'This is a public space so we can be as noisy as we want' which is what the poster referring to funerals was suggesting.

In the same post, I added the caveat I just quoted to say that I was aware this might not always be possible, due to age/disability, but that's what everyone should be aiming for.

LuvSmallDogs · 15/08/2019 18:10

I have an autistic child who stims by banging things together and vocalising repetitively, a baby and a 5 year old who asks endless "but whhhyyy" questions, often quite loudly to be heard over his brothers.

I probably wouldn't have heard this 3y/o over my own swarm's racket.

WhatNoNotYouAgain · 15/08/2019 18:10

so what consequences do you have in place to deal with that? Or do you just shrug your shoulders?

Largely I just ignore it, as I have learned that way the tantrum is over in minutes. If I try to distract or anything like that it goes on forever.

POP7777777 · 15/08/2019 18:13

It is annoying but it is what it is. More annoying, by far, is performance parenting in a crowded train....

derxa · 15/08/2019 18:31

I wish I had let my boys talk a lot more loudly as toddlers. I was far too considerate to other people. Too late now.

bakedbeanzontoast · 15/08/2019 18:54

I have ear defenders for this and other noise in public transport 👍🏻

BuildBuildings · 15/08/2019 18:59

@custarddonut I don't think came across like a know it all twat at all as some pp's imply. You seemed like you were genuinely saying is this possible I don't know.

flashdancer19 · 15/08/2019 19:31

@ScreamingValenta they are a child, they don't need to act on a train as they do in a funeral, no one does! In a service (before it's begun) I would talk in a hushed whisper. I would not talk in a hushed whisper on a train, or in a shop etc. No way would I go for as quiet as possible in every situation. The child to their mind was not at the top of his loudness level, so didn't need to moderate. If the child was at a funeral they could be asked to whisper, but they don't need to on a train!

ScreamingValenta · 15/08/2019 19:39

No way would I go for as quiet as possible in every situation

But, why not? Within reason, I think people should. I don't mean whispering, but we should all make an effort not to disturb others in a general public environment (not one designated for noisy pursuits) like a train, by talking quietly. I am not saying that will always be possible or reasonable, but it should always be the aim.

llangennith · 15/08/2019 21:56

Children who talk loudly everywhere usually do so because their parent talks to them in that loud performance parenting way.
I've yet to meet a child with calm quietly spoken parents who talks very loudly.

MerryDeath · 15/08/2019 22:08

oh just you wait. i rue the day we taught him to talk.

SeriouslyEnoughAlreadyRantOver · 15/08/2019 22:17

I would not talk in a hushed whisper on a train, or in a shop etc

then you are just being rude and inconsiderate, nothing to be proud of.
Other commuters should be able to nap or read their book in peace - without having to put up with you talking like you are the only one in the carriage.

I would cost you nothing to show a little bit of manners and respect, and it would make life easier for everybody. How hard can that be?

Popsicales · 15/08/2019 22:29

In three years time you’ll see another tantruming, loud, annoying toddler in public and you’ll just be happy and reassured that another child is kicking off rather than yours again

SemperIdem · 15/08/2019 22:43

All the “well you’re not a parent so your opinion is invalid” style responses are really poor, smug and cliquey.

Even if you know full well it will make no difference to your child’s general exuberant mood, actually encouraging them to speak more quietly for the benefit of others is just a part of parenting, surely?

I know I do with my daughter, always have done.

flashdancer19 · 15/08/2019 23:31

*then you are just being rude and inconsiderate, nothing to be proud of.
Other commuters should be able to nap or read their book in peace - without having to put up with you talking like you are the only one in the carriage.

I would cost you nothing to show a little bit of manners and respect, and it would make life easier for everybody. How hard can that be?*

No I'm not rude or inconsiderate, tell them to go to the quiet carriage! And before you say there's no room in the quiet carriage that's because more carriages are given to people who may you know ..... want to chat! Not scream, not shout just chat.... it's part of life. Not everyone is a neurotic I can't bear normal chat or more quiet carriages would be available.

flashdancer19 · 15/08/2019 23:34

Posted too soon, your requirement to read your paper doesn't trump others the need or want to chat above a hushed whisper. All paid the same fare after all.

Or alternatively but yourself sone noise cancelling headphones and read your paper in peace.

Sandybval · 15/08/2019 23:36

YABU to suggest that toddlers can be tamed; YANBU to find it annoying.

zzzzzzzz12345 · 16/08/2019 00:06

Op I think you have chosen your camp. And it’s the right one.

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