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Original poster

White lie has ruined everything

238 replies

greynfl · 13/08/2019 22:32

So DP met a friend who he hasn't seen in 3 years today, an hour from our house. As a result I made a point of saying "please make sure you only drink 2 beers since you're driving" to which he promised.
He was with his friend 3.5 hours and said he had 2 and a half beers. I was miffed it was over 2, disliked it but let it go.

Then when I got home from work I saw the transactions on his home screen (Apple Pay) and the amounts didn't make sense (especially when you do rounds). Whenever I have a doubt about anything he says, from a story in the news, to something he's telling me he goes above and beyond to prove he's right, does it with anyone. This time he refused to prove about the amount he drink, which was easily disprovable based on his story and the pub's website.

He swore on his mum dying that he had only had 2 and a half. I started to drop it but then part of the story didn't add up. He then said he had 3, it's ridiculous I'm being funny over half a pint and that he technically didn't lie because he did have 2 and a half (and the rest). This felt so manipulative as I did specify saying only 2 and a half.

He's now gone down quite an emotionally manipulative route "break up with me" "I don't want to be in this relationship". Which hasn't really upset me because I'm so angry he lied. If he had just been honest I wouldn't have minded except to say how wrong he is for drink driving.

My concern is now I don't even know the truth, as when I then said "so you've ONLY had 3 beers in terms of alcohol today" he went quiet refusing to answer.
He also said I don't have proof he said he only had 2 and a half.

Am I being really pathetic here?
I know it will be easy to say "this has no future, leave him" but I'm really interested in some constructive advice on dealing with a liar. I can't help think he's lied about other things.

Something similar to do with lying happened at the very beginning of the relationship but I let it go but has always left me with some anxiety.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 14/08/2019 08:57

I'd bin him. You'll never trust him. Don't get trapped with kids with him.

Soontobe60 · 14/08/2019 09:02

This is what would have happened in my house.

DH ' I'm meeting Suzy from work for a drink this afternoon'
Me ' would you like me to pick you up, or are you getting a cab home?'
DH 'that would be great. What time could you pick me up?'
Me 'on my way home from work would be perfect.'
DH 'fab, see you at 5.30'

We are both grown ups. We help each other out.OP, neither of you are grown ups. You try to control each other, lie, make excuses, and can't see the real issues here. Which is, you wanted to control the amount your DP drank, even though your rules meant he would still be over the limit despite your rubbish about having tested him before. He doesn't give a rats arse about drink driving and is more concerned about you not believing his lies. Your relationship is toxic from both sides. You deserve each other!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 14/08/2019 09:07

If you can't trust him - leave him!

Liars always lie - they can't hep themselves. Your relationship will always be you trying to control his actions (Hmm) and him lying about what he said or did.

I, personally, couldn't be arsed to live like that - what a waste of energy.

pickingdaisies · 14/08/2019 09:12

Well, I don't think the OP is controlling. I think she is with a manipulative selfish liar and she is desperately pretending that the two drinks rule gives her a semblance of security. OP, he is a drinker and a liar. You have no control over your life while you are with him. Your boundaries and your sense of normal have been warped by this man and your previous abusive partner. Don't accept this for yourself, you are worth more.

ThePants999 · 14/08/2019 09:20

Can't believe such a long thread has had so little focus on this bit:

He also said I don't have proof he said he only had 2 and a half.

What the actual fuck? Does he think you're the police or something? Does he think the future of this relationship is going to be decided by a jury of his peers!? Does he not realise that you get to decide when to leave this idiot, and can do it any time you want, without having to prove anything to anyone? This man is unhinged.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 14/08/2019 09:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

lucylouis · 14/08/2019 09:26

It sounds like a controlling messy non trusting relationship

Fatasfooook · 14/08/2019 09:30

Why is it any of your business what he does or doesn’t drink. You sound controlling

cheesydoesit · 14/08/2019 09:32

You've gone from one abusive relationship to another, it's just abusive in different ways. It sounds exhausting. Read the pinned post at the top of the 'relationships' board. A grade 7 bastard is no better than a grade 9 bastard.

RonnieScotts · 14/08/2019 09:35

This is weirdly controlling and very unhealthy.

He is a grown man and can make his own decisions, those decisions may be bad ones and you may judge him on them, but, you cannot control or change his behaviour as he is an adult.

I find your attitude quite alarming and my advice to him would be to get out of this relationship ASAP and run for the hills.

MaisieDaisy1 · 14/08/2019 09:38

@Widowodiw He’s a grown man he can drink what he likes without justifying it to you especially when your arguing over 2-3 pints. If you worried about him drink driving then that’s his problem.

It’s not just his problem if he’s drink driving if he wipes out some innocent member of the public whilst doing so. Some entire family’s life would never be the same again.

I would split up. He’s showing a propensity to lie. It will only get worse.

FireBloodAndIce · 14/08/2019 09:43

Seeing as you aren't bothered by him drinking 2.5 beers and driving anyway, i won't comment on that. How do you know he drunk 3 anyway? He could have paid for 3 but only drunk half the last.

This relationship sounds far too stressful and he's an idiot who drinks and drives.

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 14/08/2019 09:45

PickingDaisies said what I was about to. It sounds as though this selfish arse will drink and drive regardless, so the OP is trying desperately to limit it in a way that she recognises isn't ideal but is something that said selfish arse might agree to and thus slightly reduce the chance of him causing devastating harm. (Admittedly I'd have more sympathy again if the OP stopped trying to justify her selfish arse's behaviour by saying "everyone does it", because they don't.) Said selfish arse did notionally agree to it but then ignored the agreement anyway and lied to her about it.

Honestly OP, the only way forward is to leave. Back in the day I used to think I had a controlling jealousy problem. Turns out I had a lying cheating ex problem about who my gut was screaming at me not to trust them, for good reason, and I've never had any trust issues in any relationships since. Imagine how much lighter and freer and less anxious you would feel not having to second guess if you're being lied to or not.

HoppingPavlova · 14/08/2019 09:45

Soontobe60 yes, that is what happens in normal households. This is obviously not a normal household.

Pikapikachooo · 14/08/2019 09:46

You are over
Controlling and he is a liar
Is he a liar because you control or because he is a liar ? Either way it’s pretty fucked

Krisskrosskiss · 14/08/2019 09:48

I get you op and the same with my husband about smoking and very rarely drink driving (he doesnt really drink that often but at the events he has there has been issues with drink driving and it frightens me)
Its anxiety for me... I do struggle with anxiety and I know I'm coming across as controlling. I'm worried about him dying basically. The smoking thing really got to me because he actively lied about stopping smoking and then I discovered that he smoked all day at work....its the lying that makes me really anxious... it makes you think 'well if he lied about that what else does he lie about? And if he lied does he really respect me... how can I know I can trust him to have our best interests at heart?' It seems like such a petty issue... but I understand the cold knife of suspicion and hurt that cuts into you when you discover someone you trusted completely has been lying.... and then on top of that it's the endangering his life when he has a young family...
There were only two drink driving instances in 6 years but it still worries me because now I cant be sure he wont ever do it again even when he says he wont... and I'm very angry because now I have to live with that anxiety and mistrust and I hate feeling that way...
And one of the drink driving cases was extreme... he could barely stand up when he came through the door at 11am! And hed just driven through the city centre... it was scary. He relies on his car at work too so if he couldn't drive I'm pretty sure hed lose his job...

So it might come across as controlling but I understand how you feel... because it's not just him it effects.. its be lovely to just be fine with him doing whatever he wanted, putting his life on the line for no reason etc...but when it effects your life and the lives of your children it's hard to not be controlling about it.

GinNotGym19 · 14/08/2019 09:50

I know drunk driving isn’t your question but food really doesn’t slow the effects of alcohol on the blood stream or the result on a breathalyser. You can still be fine and be over the limit. He could be in a crash that wasn’t his fault then get breathalysed. He could get pulled over for something random and checked. The fines and ban for drink driving are huge now, my local police regularly do campaigns and random checks, some people have even gone to prison after being randomly pulled over and found over the limit.
I wouldn’t buy a house with a drink driver, he will loose his licence at some point and that could mean he’d loose his job and the house.
Also the lying would make me reconsider the relationship. My ex lied a lot about stupid things and I let it go but he turned into a compulsive liar. The lying becomes too easy and lies get on top and then you can’t trust anything they say. Lying about things like this turned into lying about dating sites etc.

ThirdThoughts · 14/08/2019 09:51

Wow, he's really done a number on you, hasn't he? It must be so confusing. You've been in an abusive relationship before which makes you really at risk for this more subtle fucks with your head sort of abuse.

The problem you have is when someone is gaslighting you and moving the goalposts, you can end up so desperate to know the truth and prove that you are right/sane that you get totally emeshed and codependent. So desperate are you not to be lied to (understandable) and find firm footing in his shifting sands that you have ended up saying that it doesn't matter how many drinks he had before driving as long as he was honest about how many it was. People outside your dynamic find that incredible. Because obviously it matters that he was over the limit. But he has you chasing your tail so much that he is distracting you from the real issue - that he is engaged in entitled risk taking behaviour at all.

You can't manage him. You can't prove to him that you are right and he is wrong. He will always move the goal posts. All you can do is stop orbiting around him. Leave. Read up about gas lighting and narcissism and co-dependence and emeshment. Do the freedom programme. Learn about red flags.

If you stay with him, you will always feel like this. It must be horrible to know that he is likely to drink drive and risk his life, other road users and pedestrians and his license and job. But you can't make him act like an adult. You can't protect him from the consequences of his actions. He either enjoys having you worry about him or does not care. Please don't stay in this toxic swamp of a relationship. You can't manage his lying, you can only refuse to live with it anymore. The longer this goes on the more anxious, distressed and confused you are going to become.

Stop orbiting around Mr. Always Right. He's not the sun. You are allowed to have your own opinions.

Redglitter · 14/08/2019 09:56

Your priorities are all wrong. I cant believe you're more upset about him lying over half a pint than you are about his drink driving

He lied because you sound controlling. Hes an adult he doesn't need micro managed

You sound as bad as each other quite honestly

Limt · 14/08/2019 10:02

It's surprising how many posters think that someone drink driving isn't
their partner's business. It's everyone's business, they're driving on a public road.

Suebnm · 14/08/2019 10:04

Asking your boyfriend to make sure he stays beneath a legal drink driving limit is appalling.

You are as bad as each other. He will always lie to you as he knows you have anxiety around lying.

Swearing on his mother's life makes you both sound extremely childish and very young. Grow up a bit.

Be very sure this is how you want to live before you buy a house with your boyfriend.

ThirdThoughts · 14/08/2019 10:05

I totally agree with @ThePants999 too. I worry that with this dynamic you think you need to prove he is being unreasonable/wrong in order to leave the relationship.

You don't. The only criteria for leaving a relationship is that you don't want to be in it anymore. You don't need reasons a jury would agree with. You don't need reasons he would agree with.

He will never ever admit he is in the wrong. Don't waste your time trying.

anguauberwaldironfoundersson · 14/08/2019 10:06

I understand the irritation at the lying and sometimes it can be a relatively small lie that is the final straw.

The potential drink driving is a huge issue. The lying, minimising and gaslighting are huge red flags.

CaptainCaveMum · 14/08/2019 10:20

OP just to be clear you are minimising what he has done - he hasn’t told you a white lie because that’s something you say to make sure someone’s feelings don’t get hurt eg yes the cake you spent 2 hours making tastes lovely. He has clearly hurt you. He clearly doesn’t care about you. He is a liar and doesn’t look like he wants to change. Guessing he also has a problem with alcohol. No normal person tests their breath at home to see how far they can go. As many pp have said he is a drunk driver and therefore an accident waiting to happen - I really hope it’s only himself he hurts if he doesn’t stop. He has no conscience and is happy to ‘swear on his mum’s life’ wtf
And his behaviour is turning you into a controlling obsessive focussed on the wrong things. Please look at the bigger picture here... he is a liar and he will only get worse.
Have my very first LTB

GinNotGym19 · 14/08/2019 10:31

@ThirdThoughts sums it up perfectly. That’s what my relationship was like. If you only listen to one comment please listen to hers

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