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AIBU?

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Original poster

White lie has ruined everything

238 replies

greynfl · 13/08/2019 22:32

So DP met a friend who he hasn't seen in 3 years today, an hour from our house. As a result I made a point of saying "please make sure you only drink 2 beers since you're driving" to which he promised.
He was with his friend 3.5 hours and said he had 2 and a half beers. I was miffed it was over 2, disliked it but let it go.

Then when I got home from work I saw the transactions on his home screen (Apple Pay) and the amounts didn't make sense (especially when you do rounds). Whenever I have a doubt about anything he says, from a story in the news, to something he's telling me he goes above and beyond to prove he's right, does it with anyone. This time he refused to prove about the amount he drink, which was easily disprovable based on his story and the pub's website.

He swore on his mum dying that he had only had 2 and a half. I started to drop it but then part of the story didn't add up. He then said he had 3, it's ridiculous I'm being funny over half a pint and that he technically didn't lie because he did have 2 and a half (and the rest). This felt so manipulative as I did specify saying only 2 and a half.

He's now gone down quite an emotionally manipulative route "break up with me" "I don't want to be in this relationship". Which hasn't really upset me because I'm so angry he lied. If he had just been honest I wouldn't have minded except to say how wrong he is for drink driving.

My concern is now I don't even know the truth, as when I then said "so you've ONLY had 3 beers in terms of alcohol today" he went quiet refusing to answer.
He also said I don't have proof he said he only had 2 and a half.

Am I being really pathetic here?
I know it will be easy to say "this has no future, leave him" but I'm really interested in some constructive advice on dealing with a liar. I can't help think he's lied about other things.

Something similar to do with lying happened at the very beginning of the relationship but I let it go but has always left me with some anxiety.

OP posts:
Yabbers · 13/08/2019 23:44

There's a reason the policy isn't 0

Because there is a possibility that a non drinker can blow a positive test. The limit in Scotland is set so that one drink can put you over the limit. It is set that way because it has been shown that one drink does impact on driving ability.

So is driving when tired, arguably it's even worse
Dangerous for sure, but not worse. In tests going without sleep for 24 hours gives the same reactions as being 0.1 over the legal limit. Most drowsy drivers haven’t gone 24 hours without sleep.

MamaGee09 · 13/08/2019 23:47

I would be livid if my dh drank one pint and then drove the car!

Drinking one alcoholic drink and then getting in the car is still drink driving.he is out of order!

GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 13/08/2019 23:47

If he told a white lie about something else, ie how much something cost, I would let it go. However.... DRINK DRIVING?!? Nah. I would leave a man who did this.

Emma861 · 13/08/2019 23:47

I understand what you are saying but the op has already said that this is'nt the norm.

I think this reaction would be more warrented to a pattern of behaviour or an extreme incident.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/08/2019 23:49

Fuck Sake OP... the Drink Driving is WHATS appalling.. fuck the irrelevant white lie Hmm

bouncingraindrops · 13/08/2019 23:51

I understand what you are saying but the op has already said that this is'nt the norm.

You must be reading a different post.

What kind of person hops on a thread to defend drink driving anyway 🤷‍♀️

MamitaSi · 13/08/2019 23:51
  1. he was meeting a girl, don't know if this is relevant, but I wasn't controlling or anything about seeing the opposite sex so I feel like that supports me when I say this isn't to do with control shrug

I think your previous statement answers it all.

I think you were on edge because he was meeting a female friend.

I think you became controlling and thats when you scrolled the Home Screen to check how much he spent.

I think you cared about how many beers he had because he was with a female. I doubt you would have reacted the same if he met with his old mate.

You might disagree about drink driving, but I think you used it as an excuse so BF would not drink more.

I think you need to work on you. And your trust issues. And understand that you can't control a relationship. Not a healthy one.

Everything just seems really unhealthy.

YABU

LorelaiRoryEmily · 13/08/2019 23:52

I wouldn’t be with anyone who drinks and drives. I was almost killed by a drunk driver as a child. Your focus should be on the fact that he drinks alcohol and drives in the first place, as opposed to how much exactly.

Limt · 13/08/2019 23:52

Emma it's not leaving someone over 3 pints.

The 3pints is evidence that he's a selfish, thoughtless, stupid arsehole.

The lying is the cherry on top.

number1wang · 13/08/2019 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Emma861 · 13/08/2019 23:56

Would you also dump somebody for speeding once?

Because far more people are fatally injured each year from that (not excusing drink driving).

Can you imagine.. Letter comes through the post with a speeding fine, to which you go upstairs, gather the kids up, all belongings and move out. All of your friends and family ask why the sudden split? and you reply 'he went over the speed limit once' you would look insane!

NoSquirrels · 13/08/2019 23:57

He lied to you because he’s full well aware he has a terrible fucking attitude to drinking and driving.

The lying is awful.

Why did he lie?

Because he has a drink problem, if only sticking to 1 drink on a night out to meet a friend is an issue. In fact, only sticking to 2 drinks is an issue.

In fact, turns out it’s really 2.5 or 3 drinks...

You might not want to believe it, but it IS the drinking that’s an issue.

The lying is a by-product,

Both are awful. But only the drink-driving could kill someone.

Emma861 · 13/08/2019 23:59

Absolutely not defending drink driving, just defending the sanctity of commitment.

Much better to irradicate an issue than to ignore one.

bouncingraindrops · 14/08/2019 00:01

Would you also dump somebody for speeding once?

Have a think about how that has absolutely nothing to do with this thread.

Surfingtheweb · 14/08/2019 00:01

I get what you mean OP, it's the honesty bank, every lie empties the bank a bit more and in the end you cannot believe a word that they say. Also he has then tried to manipulate you and question your sanity by saying you have no evidence that he said it was only 2.5 pints, basically he's showing you no respect by lying to you and then even less by keeping the lie going.
How long have you been with him? In my experience these lies don't stop, they totally destroy any trust and make you question everything which makes for a very unhappy life.

bouncingraindrops · 14/08/2019 00:02

Absolutely not defending drink driving, just defending the sanctity of commitment.

Aww bless you. How very sweet.

Drink drivers are cunts. Who the fuck wants to be committed to one of those Confused

Emma861 · 14/08/2019 00:04

I do not need to have a think, I am applying the same logic as many are using to a similar situation.

FredaNerkk · 14/08/2019 00:07

Seen such behaviour before; reacted like you OP.

It took me years to realise what was going on.

He was a narc - red flags included:

  • he lied whenever he was in a tight spot to protect himself (small things, big things, it didn't seem to matter )
  • lots of self entitled behaviour including breaking road rules (eg drink driving, speeding, parking restrictions, queue jumping at slip roads), eating and drinking whatever he wanted especially if it was free (regardless whether there was enough left for other people, or if he was driving), breaking all sorts of other rules (in his psyche, rules are to keep other people in line; not him)
  • always blamed other people (never took responsibility)
  • he would say that he hadn't said something. Crazy-making.

I thought I could reason with him.

Eventually he had an affair and I found out.

Once I learnt about narcissistic personalities, it all finally made sense. Alot of other stuff too.

Any of this sound familiar?

bouncingraindrops · 14/08/2019 00:08

I do not need to have a think, I am applying the same logic as many are using to a similar situation

You are not doing anything of the sort. You are using a 'what if' to try and make your point. If you can't get your point across without having to resort to bringing non events into things, maybe you done have much of a point.

Emma861 · 14/08/2019 00:18

How is another example of wreckless behaviour with preciously the same consequences to any potential victims not a valid comparison?

bouncingraindrops · 14/08/2019 00:19

My point is why the comparison. Just discuss the issue at play fgs. Nobody needs a comparison to drink drivers Confused

Limt · 14/08/2019 00:19

Well to be fair Emma, you do have a point, which is why I have vacated cars pretty sharpish at traffic lights when I realised they were crap drivers. Speeding is also a big no from me.

Emma861 · 14/08/2019 00:26

Because, some people cannot seemingly see how uttely silly it is to advise leaving a relationship because your partner had 3 drinks instead of 2, on one occasion.

The drink driving is not what I am trying to 'prove a point' about, its the shit and nieve advise being given to somebody who asked for constrictive advise.

Emma861 · 14/08/2019 00:28

Constructive I should say.

Emma861 · 14/08/2019 00:30

Oh and spell check rather likes 'advise', advice! I will read better next time

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