Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

White lie has ruined everything

238 replies

greynfl · 13/08/2019 22:32

So DP met a friend who he hasn't seen in 3 years today, an hour from our house. As a result I made a point of saying "please make sure you only drink 2 beers since you're driving" to which he promised.
He was with his friend 3.5 hours and said he had 2 and a half beers. I was miffed it was over 2, disliked it but let it go.

Then when I got home from work I saw the transactions on his home screen (Apple Pay) and the amounts didn't make sense (especially when you do rounds). Whenever I have a doubt about anything he says, from a story in the news, to something he's telling me he goes above and beyond to prove he's right, does it with anyone. This time he refused to prove about the amount he drink, which was easily disprovable based on his story and the pub's website.

He swore on his mum dying that he had only had 2 and a half. I started to drop it but then part of the story didn't add up. He then said he had 3, it's ridiculous I'm being funny over half a pint and that he technically didn't lie because he did have 2 and a half (and the rest). This felt so manipulative as I did specify saying only 2 and a half.

He's now gone down quite an emotionally manipulative route "break up with me" "I don't want to be in this relationship". Which hasn't really upset me because I'm so angry he lied. If he had just been honest I wouldn't have minded except to say how wrong he is for drink driving.

My concern is now I don't even know the truth, as when I then said "so you've ONLY had 3 beers in terms of alcohol today" he went quiet refusing to answer.
He also said I don't have proof he said he only had 2 and a half.

Am I being really pathetic here?
I know it will be easy to say "this has no future, leave him" but I'm really interested in some constructive advice on dealing with a liar. I can't help think he's lied about other things.

Something similar to do with lying happened at the very beginning of the relationship but I let it go but has always left me with some anxiety.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 14/08/2019 06:48

You may have your "own opinions" on drink driving but you're a bloody idiot. Read the posts from people whose relatives have died sorry, been killed by drunk drivers. It's not acceptable full stop to drink anything then drive. Convenient how suddenly he was drinking with food over several hours Hmm.

cakecakecheese · 14/08/2019 06:48

The fact that you wanted to know how much he drank says to me he has form for drink driving and honestly it's not worth being with someone who you have to police like that. He should know not to drink and drive.

SunshineCake · 14/08/2019 06:55

No Emma861 it is not naive to leave someone who does something that could kill someone.

BettysWoo · 14/08/2019 07:01

Why do you want to control what he's drinking?
Why are you checking up on him? How can a seemingly innocent convo about whether he had one or two beers turn into "we're breaking up"

Sounds like you have bigger issues than whether he had half a pint or not.

BettysWoo · 14/08/2019 07:06

Also, drink driving is drink driving - one drink could put them over the limit. Unless he's got his own personal breathalyser, how does he know if he's over the limit?

That said, he's a grown up - all you need to do is decide whether his good points outweigh his bad points and stay or leave. trying to control another grown person isn't healthy - and is probably WHY he lies to you.

HotChocolateLover · 14/08/2019 07:14

I read your whole OP thinking it was going to be about drink driving. Sorry OP but if this is a red flag for you (lying about half a pint) then you need to dump him. Forget what anyone in here says about you being OTT. If it matters to you then that’s what’s the most important thing and you can find someone who you are compatible with who will make you feel safe and reassured.

Guavaf1sh · 14/08/2019 07:21

Flerkin is spot on. You’re more bothered about his lying to you in your strange parent child relationship than you are about the drink driving. You’re controlling and most people wouldn’t put up with that

Witchinaditch · 14/08/2019 07:22

This I really sad, I would probably react in the same way if my husband was treating me in the way you are treating your husband, you come across very controlling. Checking his Apple Pay and then arguing over 1/2 a pint, maybe he has had enough and is hoping you break up with him.

Letsgowalking · 14/08/2019 07:23

In most normal balanced relationships, if one party is going to meet an old friend who they haven’t seen for years the other party usually offers to drop them off and/or pick them up. This whole argument could have been avoided with a bit of give and take...

Shoxfordian · 14/08/2019 07:24

Yeah you sound controlling
He's an adult so he should know himself how much he should drink before driving (ideally not 3 pints...!)
Why do you feel you need to mother people like this?

NoSquirrels · 14/08/2019 07:24

Only on Mumsnet does having three pints make you an alcoholic. It’s like bingo watching the words “he has a drink problem” come up. (And before anyone says it, or COURSE he shouldn’t have driven.)

I can’t believe you could pay this and add the bit in brackets at the end, when the bit in brackets at the end informs the whole ‘drink problem’ issue.

Two pints, three pints - none of it an issue if you’re walking home, or getting public transport, or a taxi or whatever.

But if you have planned to drive home, and cannot limit yourself to 1 alcoholic drink, let alone two, then you do have a drink problem.

You might not be an alcoholic, but you are certainly displaying problematic behaviour around alcohol.

NovemberWitch · 14/08/2019 07:24

He wanted a drink with a friend over an hour away. Why didn’t he stay the night? Drink driving is never OK.

OtraCosaMariposa · 14/08/2019 07:25

The controlling one is the OP. As an adult, the man does not need to be "reminded" that he's driving. If he makes the (stupid) decision to have an amount that might put him over the limit, that's his lookout.

All the other stuff about checking his phone to see what he's been spending and banging on and on and on about lying and whether it was 2 pints or 2.5 pints is just batshit.

youarenotkiddingme · 14/08/2019 07:28

Your relationship isn't healthy.

It's not based on mutual respect and trust.

You want to control him and what he does and he then lies.
He isn't a decent enough person to realise you don't drink and drive.

I think having been in an abusive relationship you need to start working on yourself. Your own self respect, trust and boundaries.
Have a look at the freedom programme online.

But I would deficit,eye urge you not to be buying a house with and continuing a relationship with this man.

linentowel · 14/08/2019 07:28

You are controlling him OP. Unless he does have a deeper drink problem you can’t control what he drinks.

The drink driving is unforgivable. He should have been on soft drinks. That’s a huge concern and should be where your conversation with him is. It’s bonkers to say he took a breathalyser and was fine. Each drink affects you differently.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 14/08/2019 07:34

You are ok with him drink driving (2 pints is over the limit!), and you think controlling him like this is normal.

He swears on his mum's life (is he 12? Grin)

He sounds childish and a twat for drink driving. You sound controlling (2.5 pints is fairly arbitraryConfused) and I don't know if this makes you a terrible match, or a great one Grin

EweSurname · 14/08/2019 07:38

I’ve always chosen not to drink anything when driving but only because I like to be as in control as possible when on the road. Until this thread though, I had thought it was fine for other people to have a drink with a meal and then drive, or more accurately I suppose, legal. I wonder whether England should have lower limits like Scotland as I suspect there are probably other people who think a drink is fine because of the limits.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/08/2019 07:39

The levels histrionics over ‘half’ a beer is absolutely normal.

When you’re dealing with an alcoholic, that is.

Yes, this exactly.

I think it is worth reposting this comment as it is the best on the thread.

Ponoka7 · 14/08/2019 07:42

"If you worried about him drink driving then that’s his problem."

I've known relatives of a drunk driver, who has injured/killed someone. They've had to move out of the, area they luve in, some have had to leave work, because of revenge attacks.

OP i agree with everything that's been said around you being controlling, you've become the abuser.

Adults don't need 'gentle reminders', who put you in charge?

tigger1001 · 14/08/2019 07:46

I have really strong views on drink driving and wouldn't be with someone who thought it was ok. If you are driving, don't drink. It's that simple.

The lying is bad,but the drink driving is worse and would be a deal breaker for me.

Op - do you get in the car with him, if he's been drinking? Would you be happy for him to drive with a child in the car if he's been drinking?

caballerino · 14/08/2019 07:48

He also said I don't have proof he said he only had 2 and a half.

So he's gaslighting you as well as lying about drink driving (which isn't a white lie).

He has a long term, persistent pattern of lying to you and gaslighting you. It's driving you round the twist.

What made you determine this man is not abusive? Just because he's not identical to your ex?

You might want to reconsider your assessment of what constitutes abuse (coercive control).

sonjadog · 14/08/2019 07:49

The reason why he is lying is because you are trying to control him and he is an adult who wants to make his own decisions for his life. You can try to stop controlling him, but tbh, the dynamic in this relationship sounds so poor that you'd probably be better just calling it a day.

Bluntness100 · 14/08/2019 07:51

I can't even imagine having to say to my husband don't drink drive. He'd think I'd lost my mind. Who the fuck drink drives other than selfish thick arseholes? Who needs to be told not to do it?

I'd agree with the others, your focus is on did he lie to you about how much he drank. Where as everyone else would focus on was he drink driving, the fact he's convinced he was safe is totally irrelevant. The law is the law.

The drink driving for me, like everyone else, would be the deal breaker. The lying over was it two or three pints would be secondary.

RuffleCrow · 14/08/2019 07:53

You have fundamentally different values, it would appear. Sometimes these surface over trivial things. Also, you seem to have a parent-child dynamic going on where it's your job to 'manage' his behaviour. I think you need to have some Relate counselling at the very least.

margotsdevil · 14/08/2019 07:53

Apart from the drunk driving I just can't believe how controlling you sound, sorry. My friends don't "remind" me to be careful to make me think and if they did I don't think we would still be friends! Confused

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.