White lie has ruined everything

[greynfl]

So DP met a friend who he hasn't seen in 3 years today, an hour from our house. As a result I made a point of saying "please make sure you only drink 2 beers since you're driving" to which he promised.
He was with his friend 3.5 hours and said he had 2 and a half beers. I was miffed it was over 2, disliked it but let it go.

Then when I got home from work I saw the transactions on his home screen (Apple Pay) and the amounts didn't make sense (especially when you do rounds). Whenever I have a doubt about anything he says, from a story in the news, to something he's telling me he goes above and beyond to prove he's right, does it with anyone. This time he refused to prove about the amount he drink, which was easily disprovable based on his story and the pub's website.

He swore on his mum dying that he had only had 2 and a half. I started to drop it but then part of the story didn't add up. He then said he had 3, it's ridiculous I'm being funny over half a pint and that he technically didn't lie because he did have 2 and a half (and the rest). This felt so manipulative as I did specify saying only 2 and a half.

He's now gone down quite an emotionally manipulative route "break up with me" "I don't want to be in this relationship". Which hasn't really upset me because I'm so angry he lied. If he had just been honest I wouldn't have minded except to say how wrong he is for drink driving.

My concern is now I don't even know the truth, as when I then said "so you've ONLY had 3 beers in terms of alcohol today" he went quiet refusing to answer.
He also said I don't have proof he said he only had 2 and a half.

Am I being really pathetic here?
I know it will be easy to say "this has no future, leave him" but I'm really interested in some constructive advice on dealing with a liar. I can't help think he's lied about other things.

Something similar to do with lying happened at the very beginning of the relationship but I let it go but has always left me with some anxiety.

My initial thoughts are you are in the wrong on this one??? You've gone above and beyond by looking at receipts and the pub website??? Your partner probably thinks your a bit of a bunny boiler so I can understand his reaction - he's a grown man - he knows what he can and can't drink to be able to drive home - you sound like the controlling one in this relationship sorry OP

(For the record i of course don't condone drunk driving!)

From the op:

Whenever I have a doubt about anything he says, from a story in the news, to something he's telling me he goes above and beyond to prove he's right, does it with anyone.

Sorry Op - you are a control freak. I can just imagine

Him: I saw this on the news
OP: bollocks, you didnt
Him: yes I did
OP: prove it
HIM >weary sigh< (gets phone) ....seeeee ??
OP: well I still think its bollocks.

Fucking hell. What a thread!

Post after post repeating the same thing about drink-driving.

We fucking know!!

OP, you sound manipulative and childish. Playing the 'anxiety' card as a drip feed hasn't helped. There's no excuse for spying on your partner's actions and going out of your way to prove him wrong.

He's lying to you because of how you're effectively trying to parent him.

If this relationship was the other way round people would be clamouring to advise you to leave him because of the manipulation.

Can’t believe this. Why all the fuss and controlling what he drinks? Why wouldn’t he just take a cab and drink what he wanted or you could have dropped/picked up. All sounds super weird. I definitely wouldn’t stick around in this situation but I would obviously take a cab. Gobsmacked at the thought of someone dictating I could have 2 drinks. Even if he has to be up early or whatever then it’s all for him to manage, as a grown up.

I couldn’t be with someone who thought drink driving was okay and who I didn’t trust not to not do it without me having to specify, in precisely the right terms, he wouldn’t.

Honestly. There are other people on the roads. He took a massive risk so he could feel a bit of a greater buzz from another pint.

The lying is bad. And it suggests he is okay lying. But the drink driving and you not trusting he automatically wouldn’t ever drink drive is a LTB for me.

You both sound idiotic so are probably well suited

He is an idiot to drink and drive end of.

Honestly? Neither of you come out of this covered in glory. His swearing on his mum’s life over how many beers he’s had or hasn’t had, and your generally controlling demeanour. You reminded him to only have 2 beers because he is driving. Surely he knows that? And if he doesn’t, why would you want to be with someone so reckless and selfish? And if he does know that, how insulting to remind him like he’s a child and your his mum.

To then check up on him and bug him over and over about it all.... just why? Is this the sort of relationship you want? Where you’re continuously checking up on your partner incase they’re lying? It’s no way to live.

I just want to say that I never drink even one when I am going to drive, and neither does my OH. So you may not know a single person who abstains completely when driving but we do exist. It’s really not a big deal to not have a couple of beers or a glass of wine.

My Mum used to say I don’t profess to know much about relationships but I’ll tell you this, without trust, there is no relationship. He lies, you can’t trust him. When you call him out on his lies, he threatens to break up with you. This makes you controlling. It’s probably a chicken/egg thing as to whether you’re controlling so he lies, or if he lies which makes you controlling. Either way this isn’t a healthy relationship and I genuinely think you should reconsider things. Also he’s a drink driver which I would never tolerate. You can’t change him. Trying to only makes him lie more. I’d be making plans to leave.

You dont get to dictate how much he drinks. That's mental.

Andysbestadventure technically it’s the law that dictates how much he can drink if he’s driving.... OP clearly didn’t trust her partner not to drink drive and was anxiously trying to get a guarantee from him he wouldn’t. He made a promise he wouldn’t, broke it, put lives at risk and then lied through his teeth about it.

I could have predicted the obnoxious responses. People, she asked him not to drink above two (presumably because she would worry) and he agreed. He could have said at that stage he wouldn't be dictated to. He could have said after she accused him again with proof that he wasn't going to be policed. But he continued lying.

Op I think you will always have this problem with him and all the trust issues that accompany.

Andy I'd give it my best shot at dictating what someone drinks if they're driving.

That's not mental.

Re the speeding.
It's very obvious that this is not the first nor the last time he drove when he is well over the limit.
If my partner got regular fines for doing 60 in 20 zone around a school and defended it by "I tested it and it's fine", I would reconsider our relationship. Because he would be such a selfish bastard and idiot, I don't think I could be with someone like that. Let alone support it by going on a ride with him to see if it indeed was fine. Which is what OP did by testing the alcohol levels with her DP and agreeing that x drinks is fine.
Both are morons.

Problem with alcohol tolerance behind the wheel is that people will do "Well 2 beers are fine, I've eaten so 1 more ain't gonna kill it". With 0 or maybe 0.2 limit, people wouldn't dare. But UK has 0.8 if I am correct, and that's bloody high imho.
There are non alcoholic beers and virgin cocktails. No one needs to drink when they drive. And that's coming from someone who loves their drink.

You lost me at the part where you admit it's solely the 3 drinks/lying that's gotten to you. You'd have been fine if he admitted to 3.

You're a control freak.
He's a drunk driver.

You're as bad as each other. My 17-year-old has more sense than the pair of ye.

I agree with PP that you have your priorities wrong. Lying about half a pint isn't the issue it's the drink driving. A grown up shouldn't need to be reminded to stay under the limit. If my husband was to go for a drink after work tonight when he's driving there would be no discussion over amount of pints drunk because he wouldn't drive over the limit because he isn't a selfish arsehole.

I would not stay in a relationship with someone who drink drives or needs telling to stay under the limit.

OP, I understand that you know drink driving is bad and you want to focus on the honesty part of the issue. Here are my thoughts:

You said "please make sure you only drink 2 beers since you're driving" - I don't find this controlling, it's a perfectly normal thing to say to your partner.

He said he had 2.5 beers over 3.5 hours - this is the original white lie - we all tell white lies sometimes and I don't see it as a big deal from a lying perspective (although it is bad from a drink driving perspective).

He then said he had 3 and technically didn't lie because he did have 2 and a half (and the rest) - he's being ridiculously childish here!

He's now gone down quite an emotionally manipulative route "break up with me" "I don't want to be in this relationship". He also said I don't have proof he said he only had 2 and a half - this is the bit that would really upset me. He's gaslighting you and overreacting and responding in a way to make you shut up (out of fear that he'll dump you if you keep going on about it). He's making you out to be the bad guy when you have done nothing wrong! He's the one who has driven drunk and then lied about it.

Am I being really pathetic here? No.

I could never be with someone who drinks and drives and yet you have no concerns about that.
I also could never be with someone who would check my pub bill
dictate how much I was allowed to drink.

He is a drink driver
You are controlling
Neither one is acceptable.

For a start, anyone that swears on anyone's life is clearly lying, and an idiot.

He's a drink driver, and you are controlling.

I think it's best you break up, I can't bear to think of the kind of values you'd pass on to any children you'd have.

You both sound like children. Life is too short for this drama, find someone less draining.

I'd also be more concerned about the drink driving than the lying (and I will have one small glass of wine with dinner when driving home afterwards).

Though I went out with a liar once and it was so draining. He lied about totally unnecessary things (ie on the way to his dad's, not late, he lied about where we were on the journey. Or, when out with friends he said he went to one pub rather than the actual one he was at - would have not meant anything to me either way! Found out because the following day we went on hols with his friend who mentioned it). It meant i couldn't believe a word he said even about innocuous things.

You're worrying and focused on the wrong things here... why are your perceptions and priorities so off the mark?

Don't marry this man.
Don't have babies with this man.
You will have a miserable time.

Think about where you are in life, and where you want to be. If you can afford it, get some counselling.

Widow.. Not to be rude to you, but That is the most ridiculous comment I’ve ever heard. Drink driving is not just ‘his’ problem. It’s everyone’s problem. Heaven forbid but it could be your son and daughter crossing the road while he’s waltzing around over the limit.

If i had my way it’d be zero alcohol while driving. A car is a very dangerous object if it gets into the wrong hands.

You seem really hard work OP. And if a woman was telling me that a man had instructed her how much she was allowed to drink, I would be telling her to run for the hills.