White lie has ruined everything

[greynfl]

So DP met a friend who he hasn't seen in 3 years today, an hour from our house. As a result I made a point of saying "please make sure you only drink 2 beers since you're driving" to which he promised.
He was with his friend 3.5 hours and said he had 2 and a half beers. I was miffed it was over 2, disliked it but let it go.

Then when I got home from work I saw the transactions on his home screen (Apple Pay) and the amounts didn't make sense (especially when you do rounds). Whenever I have a doubt about anything he says, from a story in the news, to something he's telling me he goes above and beyond to prove he's right, does it with anyone. This time he refused to prove about the amount he drink, which was easily disprovable based on his story and the pub's website.

He swore on his mum dying that he had only had 2 and a half. I started to drop it but then part of the story didn't add up. He then said he had 3, it's ridiculous I'm being funny over half a pint and that he technically didn't lie because he did have 2 and a half (and the rest). This felt so manipulative as I did specify saying only 2 and a half.

He's now gone down quite an emotionally manipulative route "break up with me" "I don't want to be in this relationship". Which hasn't really upset me because I'm so angry he lied. If he had just been honest I wouldn't have minded except to say how wrong he is for drink driving.

My concern is now I don't even know the truth, as when I then said "so you've ONLY had 3 beers in terms of alcohol today" he went quiet refusing to answer.
He also said I don't have proof he said he only had 2 and a half.

Am I being really pathetic here?
I know it will be easy to say "this has no future, leave him" but I'm really interested in some constructive advice on dealing with a liar. I can't help think he's lied about other things.

Something similar to do with lying happened at the very beginning of the relationship but I let it go but has always left me with some anxiety.

I had a relationship with a man who I knew once drink and drived. Later had a child with him. Biggest mistake of my life.

If he’s lying as he’s really mortified deep down, that he knows this put lives at risk, that he’s not someone who usually is risk taking, or selfish, then see if he matures.

The big question for me would be. Did he put other lives at risk? Did he minimise and will he do it again?

@Emma861

You must have missed the bits where OP was very clear it was not the first time. They even used a breathalyser to try and determine how much he could get away with drinking 

*The two pints rule comes from when he used a breathalyser and was under the legal limit but with 3 was over. We once tested our tolerance after he argued he can drink 3 legally.
*
*In the past he's proven he is fine drinking 2 over several hours to be legally fine.
*
I know he will and a safe amount that he's always been fine on is 2

Breaking up with him over it wouldn't stop him doing it!

I don't know why you are arguing that it was a one off, it really wasn't.

Oh, from above I’d break up. Actually I’d be calling the police? It’s a serious crime.

2 pints is too much to drink if you are driving an hour to get home never mind 3. He knew full well you'd be mad when you found out how much he drank so he told a white lie.
The whole thing is just a no no in my mind.
I think you are just being daft arguing about half a pint. You should be reassessing the idea that both of you thought it was a good idea for him to go out at all and drive.

People are getting bogged down on the drink driving.

Driving with no alcohol=bad
Driving with some alcohol = not so good
Driving with lots of alcohol = bad.

OP and partner have mutually agreed that 2 pints is an acceptable level for him to drive at. Whether you agree with that or not is beside the point.

The actual point is that

• he has broken an agreement that they made
• he has lied to imply that his behaviour was only a slight breach of the agreement.
• he has demanded that OP accepts his lie (and the behaviour that he has admitted to) or leaves him.

So the options that the OP has are

• either reduce boundaries (he can drink as much as he wants)
• play along (pretend that he really did only have 2,5 pints)
• end the relationship.

But the OP dislikes all of these options, and wants to find a way in which boundaries can be made and where they are crossed, he takes responsibility for it, there is an admission of wrongdoing and a recognition that their behaviour is unacceptable, and that they have been wronged, so that the relationship can continue on a better footing.

Oops - sorry
Driving with no alcohol=good

Only on Mumsnet does having three pints make you an alcoholic. It’s like bingo watching the words “he has a drink problem” come up. (And before anyone says it, or COURSE he shouldn’t have driven.)

Drink driving is reprehensible.

It's not complicated, he's an arsehole, leave him.

I'd be dumping HIM!

You both sound a pair of Fucking idiots! Shame on you BOTH for your appalling attitude to drink driving.

ANY amount of alcohol can impair driving enough to cause an accident which could be life changing if not life ending.

I've family/friends who have been left permanently and seriously disabled by drink drivers, one lost her baby 8.5 months pregnant baby would have been fine if it weren't for the accident - and I say drink because you don't have to be "drunk" to be incapable of driving!

I'm in Scotland where it's pretty much zero limit which is what it bloody should be!

I've held a licence for 17 years and NEVER had a drink if I knew I'd be driving within the next 24 hours, it's not Fucking hard, alcohol Isn't essential!

I'd also be leaving him for the lying. I hate liars and it clearly isn't just the occasional "white lie" but consistent dishonesty.

If there's no trust there's no relationship.

He needs to stop drink driving and lying but he's not going to when there's no consequences for him.

In your place I can honestly say if I knew he was drink driving I'd report his arse and hope he gets caught rather than seriously injuring or killing others or himself.

You say 'white lie', but your example is NOT a 'white lie'. A white lie is a lie that hurts nobody and is generally told to save someone's feelings. "No, you don't look fat in those jeans" is a white lie. "I've only had 2 beers" so someone thinks the liar is fine to drive home is a lie. Not a white lie, a lie. And a dangerous lie at that. I think you probably should look again at those other supposedly 'white' lies he's told you. Chances are they aren't so 'white' after all.

It sounds to me as if you don't trust him. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone you don't trust?

And yes, driving after any drinking is dangerous. Even after one drink our reflexes are not as sharp. There's no excuse for it, none at all.

How can you be with someone who would lie to you over such a tiny thing? / someone you would doubt over such a tiny thing....either way your relationship is doomed.

Also why do you want advice on dealing with a lair? just get rid. I'd never tell an outright lie like that to my partner.

Well yes he is drunk driving.

However, that is up to him and NOT something you can control. I think you need to back off and stop trying to control him. I don't like using the same verb twice but I've left it there because it is the most appropriate. If he gets caught then it is his problem.

You don't trust him.

He doesn't respect you. (you don't lie to people you respect.)

You're no good for each other.

BTW - 2 pints of even weak lager (anything over 4%, e.g Fosters is 4.2%) would put most people over the limit if consumed within the 3.5hour timescale you mentioned.
I know you haven't asked about the drink driving, (which shows how skewed your priorities have become,) but that in itself would be a deal breaker for me.

That kind of brazen manipulative lying is a very big deal. Drink driving is certainly a big deal too, but I only have experience of the lying, and on that basis I’d say you need to pack your bags. If you don’t do it now, you will end up doing it in a year, or two, or five, and possibly with a child in tow, in which case you’ll never get truly free of the lying bastard.

This level of histrionics over 'half' a beer is absolutely normal.

When you're dealing with an alcoholic, that is.

Agree with the PP who says this relationship sounds depressing. I wouldn't stick around for that reason.

I'd leave him for drink driving. No messing.

Your behaviour is weird and controlling OP. Your DH is a grown man who can make his own decisions (and live with the consequences). I couldn't live with someone who checked my bank account and demanded to know every detail. You are pushing him away, but equally he sounds like a bell end who drinks and drives.

Good grief, are you his mum? YABU and controlling

You dont know anyone who doesnt have at least 1 drink and drive!?? Feck you've a strange group of friends and family (and an alcoholic DP if he cant not have a drink when driving)

This is the fucking weirdest post I've ever read on mumsnet and I've been here from 2005.

Hoping this isnt real. About to do my usual 90 min commute using a car and hoping I'm not on the road with your fuckwit of a partner!

@MitziK exactly!

Ok, firstly I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a drink driver.

Secondly I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a liar and gaslighter, because saying you can't prove he said 2.5 is utter nonsense. He knows he said it, you know he said it. End of.

Thirdly, the way you have added things up, looked at the pub website etc sounds really controlling. I am willing to accept that may well not be your default state...he was drink driving and he was lying...but even if you're the world's most laid back person, your relationship is leaving you behaving this way.

I would seriously consider getting out. Something has to change.

This is bat shit.

I know people who will have one and drive.

I dont, I also know lots of people who wont drink and drive at all. Not even one.

Your relationship sounds like more of a parent and child relationship. 'I told him to only have 2', 'if he hadnt have lied and admitted 3 I would have spoke to him about drink driving'

He is an adult. He does not need reminding about how much he can drink. He doesnt need you to talk to him about drink driving. As an adult with a driving license, those things are his responsibility.

It odd that you remind you own parents about things like this. If you were my adult child I would tell you to catch yourself on.

You ARE more bothered that he lied to you, which he did because you act like his mother and he seems like a child. Kids tell white lies. You are very controlling, he doesnt need you to tell him what to do.

Regardless of 2.5 pints or 3. You checked up on him to prove he was lying. Not to discover if he was drinking driving. You knew he had over this magical 2 pint cut off. You knew he was drink driving at that point.

Personally, I wouldnt be with dp if he drink and drove. I wouldn't be with him if I needed to remind him not to.

I wouldnt be with someone who reminded me what I could and couldnt do. And certainly not with someone who saw a notification on my phone so felt it was their right to go through it and check up on me.