White lie has ruined everything

[greynfl]

So DP met a friend who he hasn't seen in 3 years today, an hour from our house. As a result I made a point of saying "please make sure you only drink 2 beers since you're driving" to which he promised.
He was with his friend 3.5 hours and said he had 2 and a half beers. I was miffed it was over 2, disliked it but let it go.

Then when I got home from work I saw the transactions on his home screen (Apple Pay) and the amounts didn't make sense (especially when you do rounds). Whenever I have a doubt about anything he says, from a story in the news, to something he's telling me he goes above and beyond to prove he's right, does it with anyone. This time he refused to prove about the amount he drink, which was easily disprovable based on his story and the pub's website.

He swore on his mum dying that he had only had 2 and a half. I started to drop it but then part of the story didn't add up. He then said he had 3, it's ridiculous I'm being funny over half a pint and that he technically didn't lie because he did have 2 and a half (and the rest). This felt so manipulative as I did specify saying only 2 and a half.

He's now gone down quite an emotionally manipulative route "break up with me" "I don't want to be in this relationship". Which hasn't really upset me because I'm so angry he lied. If he had just been honest I wouldn't have minded except to say how wrong he is for drink driving.

My concern is now I don't even know the truth, as when I then said "so you've ONLY had 3 beers in terms of alcohol today" he went quiet refusing to answer.
He also said I don't have proof he said he only had 2 and a half.

Am I being really pathetic here?
I know it will be easy to say "this has no future, leave him" but I'm really interested in some constructive advice on dealing with a liar. I can't help think he's lied about other things.

Something similar to do with lying happened at the very beginning of the relationship but I let it go but has always left me with some anxiety.

It makes me anxious as it reminds me of so many other times I've not questioned when he's said something

You do realise that it isn't normal behaviour to question other people don't you? It tends to lead other people to fib just for the sake of it.

What might be 'gentle reminders' to you sound both patronising and controlling to me.

This relationship sounds depressing. I can’t imagine how incredible you see this man as being, it just sounds so life-sapping.

This ^^.

I genuinely don't know anyone who doesn't have one drink when driving...

So if all the drivers are having one drink (they're not), you might as well have three? Sounds reasonable, and all you have to do is swear on your mum's life that you haven't been drinking when you're being breathalysed...

I’m truly stunned at the number of people saying the OP is controlling and it’s his business if he drinks and drives. No, it’s not just his business. He could kill someone.
The lying is not the issue here, it’s the drink driving.
I wouldn’t be involved with someone who did that.

The lying is not the issue here, it’s the drink driving.

The OP has posted about the lie. People are answering her question.

Everybody knows that nobody should drink and drive. Ever. That goes without saying.

A truthful drunk driver is no better than a lying drunk driver OP.

They both kill people.

I honestly think this sounds like a weird, unhealthy relationship for both of you.

I genuinely don't know anyone who doesn't have one drink when driving...

My Dh doesn't for example. So don't a lots of drivers.
I loath people who drink and drive.

@EskewedBeef no. I don't know why you're not reading it properly.
The reason the difference in drinks matters is down to lying.
I'm fully aware how bad it is to drink drive and yes it's an issue but not the issue i came on to ask advice about.

You remind your mum to be careful of things but you’re ok with drunk driving because ‘it’s only two’

P.s many people don’t have one drink and drive, in fact probably the majority of people.

I’m also concerned that you say you don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a drink whilst driving. I know I’m banging on about this, but that’s so alarming.
In Scotland, we’ve had a reduction in the limit. This can only be a good thing.
It’s a real reminder to just not bother having anything whilst driving. Is one drink really worth losing your licence, or a life, over?

Leave somebody for having three pints?

Jesus, is this sincere advise? obviously people on mumsnet do not know how to solve issues in relationships anymore and just 'dump' people.

It sounds almost as immiture as drink driving.

genuinely don't know anyone who doesn't have one drink when driving...

I don't. It's not worth the risk. Imagine if you harmed someone? Even if you were "legal" you'd know your reactions were just that little bit off.

Some people I should say

Basically he's a arse for drink driving and you sound controlling. Do you control him in other areas? Long look in the mirror for you both I think

wouldn’t care if it was 2, 2.5 or 3 pints. I’d worry that he was drinking and driving. Full stop.

Yep. Deal breaker for me. I’d leave him just for that.

Again, I agree drink driving = bad.
So is driving when tired, arguably it's even worse.
Drunk+tired = worse worse

Literally so easy to make judgements here. I don't drink and drive. I drive all the time to social events and have never had a drink. Friends I've met have had a small glass over dinner.
There's a reason the policy isn't 0. Just because of differing opinions doesn't make it right. God this is exhausting to explain.

I genuinely don't know anyone who doesn't have one drink when driving...

That doesn't make it ok, it just means you know more than one selfish idiot.

The whole dynamic here sounds childish.

I genuinely don't know anyone who doesn't have one drink when driving...

My entire family have a zero tolerance to drinking and driving. Not a drop passes if driving, and no driving next day after a night out.

It’s not difficult to avoid a drink if you are driving.

There's a reason the policy isn't 0.

Hmm. It's not a policy. It's the LAW.

And you are quite right, there IS a reason it's not 0. The reason is rather complex though and not simply so your DH can down 2 - 2.5 beers on a night out and still drive home.

Drink drivers are despicable.

@Emma861

Leaving someone who is selfish enough to put others lives at risk isn't childish.

my only issue to make me post on here (the drink driving is an issue but comes from a place of him being convinced he isn't over the limit) is the lying. The rest I can deal with myself. I wanted advice on the lying bit

the trouble is, and what you seem to be failing to comprehend, is for most people the lying part wouldn't need dealing with, because the being a cunt and drink driving part would mean i'd walk away dialling 999 to have him arrested.

I don't drink anything when i'm driving because how much it takes to be over the limit/impair your driving can vary massively depending on loads of factors, your weight, whether you've eaten, if you're tired, if you're unwell, how quickly you drink the drink etc etc so its impossible to judge whats 'safe'.

In theory no, but be realistic!

It is very nieve to suggest to leave somebody over 3 pints.

If you had been angry because he'd been drink driving then I'd think YWNBU.
But you seem much more focused on the fact he lied. You went through his app, checked the cost of drinks on the bar website, etc. No relationship is sustainable with that level of controlling or paranoid behaviour. You don't trust him. You shouldn't be in a relationship with him.

In theory no, but be realistic!

It is very nieve to suggest to leave somebody over 3 pints.

I am being realistic. I couldn't honestly be in a relationship with a man who was quite so selfish. Arsehole behaviour never did anything for me.