White lie has ruined everything

[greynfl]

So DP met a friend who he hasn't seen in 3 years today, an hour from our house. As a result I made a point of saying "please make sure you only drink 2 beers since you're driving" to which he promised.
He was with his friend 3.5 hours and said he had 2 and a half beers. I was miffed it was over 2, disliked it but let it go.

Then when I got home from work I saw the transactions on his home screen (Apple Pay) and the amounts didn't make sense (especially when you do rounds). Whenever I have a doubt about anything he says, from a story in the news, to something he's telling me he goes above and beyond to prove he's right, does it with anyone. This time he refused to prove about the amount he drink, which was easily disprovable based on his story and the pub's website.

He swore on his mum dying that he had only had 2 and a half. I started to drop it but then part of the story didn't add up. He then said he had 3, it's ridiculous I'm being funny over half a pint and that he technically didn't lie because he did have 2 and a half (and the rest). This felt so manipulative as I did specify saying only 2 and a half.

He's now gone down quite an emotionally manipulative route "break up with me" "I don't want to be in this relationship". Which hasn't really upset me because I'm so angry he lied. If he had just been honest I wouldn't have minded except to say how wrong he is for drink driving.

My concern is now I don't even know the truth, as when I then said "so you've ONLY had 3 beers in terms of alcohol today" he went quiet refusing to answer.
He also said I don't have proof he said he only had 2 and a half.

Am I being really pathetic here?
I know it will be easy to say "this has no future, leave him" but I'm really interested in some constructive advice on dealing with a liar. I can't help think he's lied about other things.

Something similar to do with lying happened at the very beginning of the relationship but I let it go but has always left me with some anxiety.

You sound very controlling. He sounds untrustworthy. Without knowing your history it's hard to know which came first, as one behaviour could cause the other. Or maybe you have both always been this way?

This relationship sounds toxic for both of you, maybe it's time to call it a day.

He's lying because you're controlling him

This.

If your anxiety is so bad, get counselling and stop controlling your partner. I would NOT stay with someone who told me what to do as I was on my way out and I doubt he will if you carry on like this.

It's a half pint, love. Chill the eff out!

The two pints rule comes from when he used a breathalyser and was under the legal limit but with 3 was over. We once tested our tolerance after he argued he can drink 3 legally.

He'd also lose his job and profession if caught.

So many things wrong here I don't know where to start .
The reminding him to not have more than 2 drinks ( is he a child ? No ).
Then quizzing him so he said 2 and a half you didn't believe him so looked at his transactions and quizzed him some more .
He got defensive admitted it was 3 you still don't believe him. He got more defensive said break up with me then .
Your annoyed because he lied , he's annoyed because you don't believe him.
Your don't trust him and don't believe him so try and catch him out . He may be a liar but maybe feels if he's honest that he had 3 pints you will kick off . He's immature it lying.
Both on the wrong and both have issues .

what did I just read?

The two pints rule comes from when he used a breathalyser and was under the legal limit but with 3 was over. We once tested our tolerance after he argued he can drink 3 legally.

You sound like a pair of fucking idiots. Let's hope he gets caught and banned, because the alternative doesn't bear thinking about.

He's behaving like a child with the lies about how many beers and you're treating like a child. Can't work out which one of you comes off worse in this.

More importantly, his 2 or 3 beers is 2 or 3 too many. I'm in Scotland and I think our drink driving limit is stricter than down south but as far as I'm concerned it should be zero. There is absolutely no excuse.

What stands out to me here are the posts by HollaHolla and Coliebean, to both of you I am truly sorry for the impact drink driving has had on your lives. I can’t imagine the pain that would leave. There’s some brilliant advice on here, especially the breathalyser. And then there is you, OP, still banging on about receipts and lies. As others have said, grow up. Both of you. Because God help your pathetic excuse for a DP if he ever harms anyone. Still be checking the Apple Pay then?

so you're all good with him drinking and driving as long as he tells you the truth about his law-breaking, life-risking, selfish as fuck behaviour?

wow.

He mostly likely lied because he didn't want the barrage of crap he got when he come home. Yes it's wrong to drink drive but that's on him. Like PP have said he is a grown adult and doesn't need another mother!

He shouldn't have been drinking after 2 pints, never mind more than that.

I hate liars, but the lie pales into insignificance compared to him risking other people's lives driving while drunk for an hour.

He's a fucking disgrace.

He's a loser, drink driving is deplorable, but you were complicit in it. I'm not sure why you're splitting hairs about 2.5 or 3 pints - talk about not being able to see the wood for the trees. You're checking the pub's website for drink prices, but didn't think to check if he was doing something potentially illegal and dangerous

And that was one reading. Alcohol can interact with lots of things including food, tiredness, stress, etc

There's not a drip feed on lying really. He's told white lies in the past that didn't get to me as much but I've made it a big topic - one small lie brings into question everything else.
It makes me anxious as it reminds me of so many other times I've not questioned when he's said something but it makes me wonder...

1. I know he's going to drink. In the past he's proven he is fine drinking 2 over several hours to be legally fine.
   I remind him but this is my personality unfortunately - I remind my mum of things to be careful of and I do the same with friends. To me it's more of a gentle reminder to make someone think.
   I don't drink so have never drink driven. (Down to health reasons and a recent thing)

2. he was meeting a girl, don't know if this is relevant, but I wasn't controlling or anything about seeing the opposite sex so I feel like that supports me when I say this isn't to do with control shrug

3. my only issue to make me post on here (the drink driving is an issue but comes from a place of him being convinced he isn't over the limit) is the lying. The rest I can deal with myself. I wanted advice on the lying bit.
   In regards to this, it didn't matter if he had 1 beer or 20, it was calling me up to tell me he had an amount that was a lie. Then sticking to it and swearing on his mum's life - how can you trust anything if they're willing to do this?!

4. did not check his bank. He showed me in his own interest to look at his expenditure. We both tend to do this, show each other more out of curiosity.

This made me realise his story, which he offered up, was made up. Hence why it sent me into a spiral because it was a simple lie, it was a contrived story.

I'd be 'breaking up with you' for real, not using 'emotional manipulation' for your clear distrust and checking up on me

YABU for saying 2-2.5 drinks is ok

I would not want to be with anyone that thought it was ok to drink that and drive
Even if under legal limit his reactions would still be affected

He doesn't care if his couple of pints causes a death, why would he give a shiny sh*t about lying to you..?

He's lying because
1 he feels guilty
2 he is fed up of you being controlling (although sounds like he needs to control himself)

This relationship sounds depressing. I can’t imagine how incredible you see this man as being, it just sounds so life-sapping.

I know it will be easy to say "this has no future, leave him" but I'm really interested in some constructive advice on dealing with a liar.

That’s the most constructive advice for dealing with liars I’m afraid. It has no future, leave. Who knows if you’d be this suspicious in the future in another relationship but you certainly can’t trust Mr “swear on my mum’s grave” here.

Sorry hun but if your issue is the lying ( the drink driving a even nighty issue ) then can you live with someone you don't believe a word he says? The relationship sounds exhausting.

You are focused on the wrong thing. Lying over half a pint is irrelevant. Driving after drinking 3 pints is irresponsible, dangerous and illegal. I could not stay in a relationship with someone who was willing to gamble with the lives of other road users.

I am assuming here that the 3 pints were all alcoholic beers and he wasn't on Beck's Blue or similar.

As for your ridiculous home test, if you did it with a weak beer, you will get a different outcome from a stronger one. You have given yourselves a false sense of safety. Which is just plain stupid.

Also, to add, I don't think drink driving is in any way acceptable. I agree he shouldn't drink. But I know he will and a safe amount that he's always been fine on is 2 over the course of several hours with food.

I genuinely don't know anyone who doesn't have one drink when driving... (except me because of the whole teetotal thing)

you are missing the thing you should leave him for.having anything at all whilst driving!you do not drink one drop and drive.

The only reason I mentioned he was driving was to explain the importance of why an amount was mentioned.

Drink driving = bad, well aware. I don't need advice on this because I have my opinions on it.
Breaking up with him over it wouldn't stop him doing it! If I prove he'd be over the limit then he wouldn't do it. So home test is a good idea.

I'm literally upset about the lying. If he had told me he'd drunk 3 I'd have been fine and just spoken to him about drink driving.

You’ve got your priorities all wrong.

Who gives a shit if he had 3 when you ‘told him’ to have two??

THIS SHOULD BE ALL ABOUT THE DRINK DRIVING.

He’s a twat for driving when he’s over the limit, and you are an idiot for making it all about YOU.