Pregnant and DP's parents angry?

[notsurenotsure48]

(I don't give permission for daily mail. newspapers, to use this information)

NC for this as pretty sure my username is recognisable. I am 26 and DP is 25. We have been together for three years, friends for years before that and we went to university together. We live in a 2 bed house and both have graduate job earning roughly, 27k each. Funds can be tough as we are based in the SE where our rent is 900pcm! (this is cheap) but we get along fine and it’s cosy. DP’s parents live roughly a 15-minute drive away.
Relationship with DP’s parents has always been a bit rocky. I moved to DP’s town a year after university and soon we were living together. My family are living in the NE so around 4 hours away. DP’s parents are quite formal and conservative, and we have never gone any deeper than polite conversation. I see them twice a week and have never even sat in their living room the whole time I’ve been with DP, it’s always a very formal cup of tea at the table. I have invited DP’s mum out for shopping, afternoon tea before and she never replies to my texts/brushes it off in person so I’ve given up trying. DP said they are just quiet, fair enough but after 3 years?
My family aren’t scum by any means, Dad is a director of marketing and mum is a nurse, however I get the impression that DP’s parents feel we are from a lower class. DP’s dad has always earnt 100k plus a year and they’ve always had big house, three cars. I’m not really bothered by money but they do ask a lot of questions about my parents, their jobs, even now when they know everything.

Anyways, onto the main issue. I have been on the pill for 3 years- never any problem. I was recently (10 weeks ago) hospitalised with an infection and given Rifaximin via IV. I didn’t realise until I was out of hospital that this would have interacted with my pill- plus I didn’t take my pill the whole time I was in hospital due to just forgetting and sleeping and feeling genuinely awful. Fast forward, four days ago I found out I was pregnant. DP and I are both in shock but gradually coming round to the idea. We discussed all options and decided that we both would keep the baby.
DP went to tell his parents and they are furious- saying I trapped him, I’m irresponsible and that I’ve basically ruined their son’s life. They’ve requested that I don’t go round there for a while until they calm down and they aren’t sure of when that will be. They’ve mentioned money trapping and all sorts (very upsetting for me considering we earn the same, and have the same degree). DP has tried to defend me but they won’t have it. I think he wants to keep peace both sides.
I understand that they are upset and will calm down but I feel disgusted that money has been mentioned. Also being 4 hours from my own family, I sort of would’ve loved their support in this. DP’s mum is a mum of four , and I’d have loved her guidance and advice.

Oh god, dear me. What twats.

How utterly horrible are they?

fgs you're not in your teens. your in laws are morons.
congratulations op. learn from the experience of many here and don't tolerate any poor behaviour from them. distance yourself and stop hoping for/seek their approval. hopefully theyll come round but if not you'll have protected yourself.

He needs to point out that you might not be willing to reconcile when they deem the time is right. He should be telling them that they owe you one massive apology, citing the shock, NOW or they may be ruining any future chance of a decent relationship with their grandchild. They also need reminding that the baby and you come as a package, so snub you and now and it might well be irreparable in the future - which is the truth.

I'd also be seriously looking at a move up north. Yes, it might be a salary cut but if the houses are that much cheaper, it won't matter. It wouldn't hurt for DH to drop that little nugget of information in your inlaws ears too.

I think if they apologise now then you should give them a chance. If they keep you dangling then all bets are off. You need to convey that to DH. How he, and they, respond now will have huge ramifications. Get that message across to DH in no uncertain terms.
Don't let it be easier to pacify you than them.

I feel like this is where I would have been had I accidentally got pregnant with my DH's baby in my mid twenties (met at 22) rather than 30 and married. They worry a lot about whether it looks as if their DC compares well to their friends' DC and are very old fashioned about this kind of thing (my MIL also genuinely believes that she is permanently youthful and told me when I got pg at 30 that she was too young to be a granny - she was 65). None of this is your problem. My in-laws have mellowed in time, but I feel still find me a bit common and would have liked their son to marry someone a bit glossier and more cosmopolitan polished (I earn well, but that is disregarded - they would prefer I had a low paid job with family money I think!!). A thick skin is needed and I do push back (nicely and politely!) when I need to. My husband used to be a total parent pleaser but has grown out of it and now has more backbone- if he hadn't, I would not have married him. It is worth discussing with DP whether he is really prepared to stand up for you (and the baby), as that really does determine how they treat you. Congratulations on your baby and good luck with it all.

I wouldnt be marrying him either.

DP has tried to defend me but they won’t have it. I think he wants to keep peace both sides

Why is he trying to defend only you.

Is he saying you got pregnant all by yourself to trap him?

Why is he laying it all at your door.
Didn't he get you pregnant?

You Dp needs to decide whose side he is on and if it isn't yours then he needs to move back in with mummy and daddy.

He does realise that he will be paying for this child for the next 18 years.

I wouldn't move back.up north if the jobs for your career aren't there.

I don't see how either of you can have a relationship with these people again. Although I suspect that your dp is thinking about keeping the relationship going with his parents because one day after his parents have depleted their funds on cars and holidays and care home fees when he is in his 50s or 60s he will get 25% of what is left.

I suspect that the other children will either get partners that their parents don't approve of and will go nc and there will be one who.probably will never leave home because they have seen how much upset getting a partner brings so doesn't bother.

I personally would text or wrote a letter saying. That OK so their issues are xyz however that is not true. It took 2 to. Tango. Its not solely up to you for contraception. It is what it is and you'd appreciate their negativity is not welcome so keep their opinions to themselves.

Sadly. A lot of men do get trapped and their lives ruined. And it costs them most of their life so they are probably just mirroring that and not that you personally is a sponger.

My Husbands parents went mental when his ex genuinely trapped him into it when he was 22. And basically ruined it all for him. But they did come round to the kid. They still hate her and rightly so the poor guy has been through it with her and her bad decision. None of us ever talk tbh. But yea it sounds like they think your one of those kinds, and that's just wrong without reason xxx

*Sadly. A lot of men do get trapped and their lives ruined. And it costs them most of their life so they are probably just mirroring that and not that you personally is a sponger.

My Husbands parents went mental when his ex genuinely trapped him into it when he was 22. And basically ruined it all for him. But they did come round to the kid. They still hate her and rightly so the poor guy has been through it with her and her bad decision. None of us ever talk tbh. But yea it sounds like they think your one of those kinds, and that's just wrong without reason xxx*

Was he not aware of condoms? It takes two and he could've been responsible for his own contraception, instead of blaming his partner.

My Husbands parents went mental when his ex genuinely trapped him into it when he was 22.

Did she physically hold him down?

What do your parents think about their behaviour ? Will make for fun future weddings/ christenings hey !?
Very odd that their other children have had NO relationships at the age of 16, 18 and 20 ?? Maybe just none that they want to introduce to their charming parents!

@notsurenotsure48 I would keep myself and MY baby as far away from these vile people as possible!

Make sure your DP knows if YOU are not good enough for his parents then neither is the baby YOU are growing. I personally wouldn't speak to them again!

“Sadly. A lot of men do get trapped and their lives ruined. And it costs them most of their life so they are probably just mirroring that and not that you personally is a sponger”

Misogynistic rubbish. How exactly does a woman steal sperm from a man?

They’ve been very stupid as they’ll no doubt want to see their grandchild when he/she is born. Alienating the mother is an interesting way to go about that. I do agree with PPs that you need a strong DP to stand up to them and shield you from them. Why hasn’t your DP stood up for you more? Is he in fear of them?

They’ve requested that I don’t go round there for a while until they calm down and they aren’t sure of when that will be
If someone issued that statement to me I would not dignify it with a response and I would never communicate with or acknowledge them again
who do they fucking think they are???

@notsurenotsure48 keep well away, how dare they speak to you in that manner!

Do you plan to get married before the baby is born? Do you have enough saved for a house or would you and your DH rely on them for money? I can see where they’re coming from to he honest - all they’re doing is trying to protect their son and it’s very possible he or one of their other kids has been in a user relationship like this before. Just give it time.

DP has tried to defend me but they won’t have it. I think he wants to keep peace both sides

That sounds wishy washy to me. You need him on your side. He absolutely could have defended you. If they expressed displeasure and disapproval over the pregnancy or over you then the best response to them would have been "Tough shit. We won't bother seeing you then, and you will have no part in your first grandchild's life", followed by slamming the front door on his way out and back to you.

He may not have tried very hard to "defend you" as he is so busy trying to placate his arsehole parents.

At least consider moving back to be nearer to your own family. DP can come if he wants to and isn't too busy soothing his parents. Keep your ear to the ground anyway. You might be surprised how much you really want their help and support when you have a new baby, especially as it is your first one.

Why were you so keen to have the support and advice if DP's mother when she has amply demonstrated her dislike of you? Stop losing your self respect by trying to win the approval of these people. It isn't going to happen.

If you want to get married there is nothing stopping you. You don't need to have the swanky £30,000 party. Just get quietly down to the registry office with a couple of friends for witnesses and do it for £75 or whatever nominal amount it costs. Then just decamp to a good restaurant afterwards to celebrate. Just the two of you and/or a couple of friends (not hundreds of people). That way you will probably have done the whole thing for between £200 and £300 in total. Maybe less.

More fool them, OP. They may find that by refusing to gain a daughter they end up losing a son.

Is there a friendly third party who could talk some sense into them before relations are any more soured? Vicar, neighbour, other family member? They don't deserve you but on the other hand it will make your life a lot easier not to have open hostilities with your DP's (stupid) parents.

I also must admit to being perplexed as to why you rushed to tell them. It's been four days. Are you usually impulsive?

Doesn't really sound like you thought through the decision to tell them, or the other decisions you are making here.

As you've probably noticed by now, people were querying marriage for the protection it would offer you, not for the big party. If you want the legal protections, do the legal part now and the rest later. You don't have to announce it to people.

I think you need to slow down in your decision making - these are life changing decisions and you're rushing into them without thinking them through or giving yourself time to sit with them and process them before you commit yourself to the consequences.

And your partner isn't keeping the peace, he's throwing you under the bus.

They’ve requested that I don’t go round there for a while until they calm down and they aren’t sure of when that will be

I would be reconsidering my relationship with a person who thought it was fine to relay such a message to me and expect me to abide by it in these circumstances. It's messed up.

*Don't go part time. You're at the start of your career. You are not married. You dont have a supprt network. Your dp is a bit wet. Don't kill your chances of being a high earner before they start.

Childcare costs come out of the family pot. Not just one wage. If your dp wants you to go pt to three days to save childcare costs, suggest you both go to four days instead.*

This.

(Other than the bit wet part, which may be untrue.) But you really shouldn't kneecap yourself in terms of career and economics. As unromantic as it sounds, it matters to start saving towards your retirement now. It matters to get on the ladder now. It means that in ten years you'll be in a position to buy a house and in forty years you'll be able to retire when you want. If your DP disagrees, he can go down to three days or you can split it/do compressed time. Or you can get married and have some degree of joint economic-legal responsibility that way. (Though I'd still encourage you to keep up some work while you can.)

But the time for romanticism is through: there's no room for the ideal when the reality of a baby hits. In terms of marriage, e.g., if that's something you want, it may not be the wedding of your dreams but it's the wedding of your current reality. And my guess is it will be a lovely day no matter what.

And as for your in-laws, stop trying. They're wretched, that's clear, but you don't have to have anything to do with them, at least not at the moment. And your partner really needs to sit down and have a serious conversation with them about the knock-on effects of their behavior, including the ways in which it will impact their lifelong relationship with the mother of their grandchild (and the grandchild itself).

Think it is time for some serious self-reflection. I just don't understand why you would visit the house of someone who doesn't like you twice a week. I don't understand why you would repeatedly invite your boyfriend's mother out shopping or for afternoon tea, when she has made it crystal clear that she doesn't want to have a relationship with you. Why would you even want to be friends with your boyfriend's unpleasant mother? Do you not have friends? I can't even get my head around the concept of people in their mid-20s having such enmeshed lives with their own families, let alone their boyfriend's. I get on great with my MIL, and me and DH have been together nearly 30 years now, but it would still never occur to me to socialise with her independently of my husband.

Perhaps the pregnancy announcement is a red herring - her perspective may be that you have repeatedly tried to ingratiate yourselves into their family even though they have made it abundantly clear that they do not want you in it. Getting engaged or buying a house would probably have had the same reaction - as far as they are concerned you have always been intended to be a temporary inconvenience who would be discarded at some point.

It also seems that your partner is way too entangled in the apron strings - why do his parents know about the pregnancy so early, why do they know it was accidental, why does he visit twice a week and take you with him when they clearly don't like you? Is he going to step up? Sounds as if it is something he has never tried before. And you sound incredibly naive - working from home means working like you do in the office, not looking at the odd e-mail whilst looking after a baby.

You have a hard road ahead of you.

My family aren’t scum by any means, Dad is a director of marketing and mum is a nurse

Even if you're dad's doing time and your mum's on the game, your family are NOT scum; they're your family Bonus points for anyone who remembers where that quote came from. (You'll need to have been around in the late 80s). No Googling!

Big congrats on your news; how lovely Enjoy it all. Moments happen once . Cherish them. Don't let others drag you down.

Wishing you and your DP much happiness. And if you can head back up to the north east then .....

@Teddybear45
Do you have enough saved for a house or would you and your DH rely on them for money?
Or perhaps they're happy renting until they can afford to buy.

it’s very possible he or one of their other kids has been in a user relationship like this before
Like THIS?? How utterly rude to say OP is using her partner. They had sex together, with inequate contraception, they're both having a baby and they both chose to jeep it. Maybe he's using her, got her pregnant to stop her leaving him and stall her career with childcare so she'd be dependent on him? Oh no, it's always the woman isn't it