Pregnant and DP's parents angry?

[notsurenotsure48]

(I don't give permission for daily mail. newspapers, to use this information)

NC for this as pretty sure my username is recognisable. I am 26 and DP is 25. We have been together for three years, friends for years before that and we went to university together. We live in a 2 bed house and both have graduate job earning roughly, 27k each. Funds can be tough as we are based in the SE where our rent is 900pcm! (this is cheap) but we get along fine and it’s cosy. DP’s parents live roughly a 15-minute drive away.
Relationship with DP’s parents has always been a bit rocky. I moved to DP’s town a year after university and soon we were living together. My family are living in the NE so around 4 hours away. DP’s parents are quite formal and conservative, and we have never gone any deeper than polite conversation. I see them twice a week and have never even sat in their living room the whole time I’ve been with DP, it’s always a very formal cup of tea at the table. I have invited DP’s mum out for shopping, afternoon tea before and she never replies to my texts/brushes it off in person so I’ve given up trying. DP said they are just quiet, fair enough but after 3 years?
My family aren’t scum by any means, Dad is a director of marketing and mum is a nurse, however I get the impression that DP’s parents feel we are from a lower class. DP’s dad has always earnt 100k plus a year and they’ve always had big house, three cars. I’m not really bothered by money but they do ask a lot of questions about my parents, their jobs, even now when they know everything.

Anyways, onto the main issue. I have been on the pill for 3 years- never any problem. I was recently (10 weeks ago) hospitalised with an infection and given Rifaximin via IV. I didn’t realise until I was out of hospital that this would have interacted with my pill- plus I didn’t take my pill the whole time I was in hospital due to just forgetting and sleeping and feeling genuinely awful. Fast forward, four days ago I found out I was pregnant. DP and I are both in shock but gradually coming round to the idea. We discussed all options and decided that we both would keep the baby.
DP went to tell his parents and they are furious- saying I trapped him, I’m irresponsible and that I’ve basically ruined their son’s life. They’ve requested that I don’t go round there for a while until they calm down and they aren’t sure of when that will be. They’ve mentioned money trapping and all sorts (very upsetting for me considering we earn the same, and have the same degree). DP has tried to defend me but they won’t have it. I think he wants to keep peace both sides.
I understand that they are upset and will calm down but I feel disgusted that money has been mentioned. Also being 4 hours from my own family, I sort of would’ve loved their support in this. DP’s mum is a mum of four , and I’d have loved her guidance and advice.

I don't think it was at all helpful for your DP to repeat word for word their reaction. Not condoning it, but it was a knee jerk response to what was very unexpected news.

Also, he might not be reporting it quite as they meant it. They've asked for space while they process the news and reconcile themselves to it. Maybe they just need time to get their game face on. You can't blame people for how they feel, it's how they act that matters.

Your DP has learned a valuable lesson though. They do not respect him or his life choices.

I’m alarmed that your nice-sounding mother, who dotes on your siblings’ partners/spouses, isn’t wild about your DP, OP. Oh, wait, he’s the one who has let you trot about loyally trying to make his parents tolerate you for years, and never called them on all those unanswered texts and ignored invitations? But despite the fact that your mother doesn’t much like him, she’s not throwing her weight around and barring him from her house until she can calm down about the pregnancy. (Which is going to have a far greater impact on your life, body and career than on your DP’s — for heaven’s sake, don’t leap into going PT at this stage in your career!)

I really want to know about the conversation you and your DP had about him going alone to tell his parents you were pregnant. Was it his idea, as though he was breaking terribly bad news? And then he meekly trotted home to you to pass on the message that they think you’re ‘money-trapping’ him and they don’t want to see you ‘until they’ve calmed down????

Are you happy with his behaviour?

This is a touch left field but bear with me - so you're about 8 weeks pregnant at the moment? Or less than that? You've told your mum as soon as you found out, and your DP has decided it's only fair to tell his completely uninterested mother as well.
You say that you've discussed it and decided to keep it BUT did he have any doubts? Are you sure he's NOT feeling slightly railroaded? Because it occurred to me that he might have thought that his parents WOULD try to pressure you into having a termination and that you might actually change your mind under pressure from them.

I could be completely wrong but it was a consideration.

I am worried for you though - I think he is constantly putting his mother's needs/wants ahead of yours and that is no way to start life as a family together. He needs to prioritise you and the baby.

While I'd never put any pressure on you to terminate, I have to say that I'd think maybe a bit harder about whether or not you actually want to be tied to this bunch for the rest of your life, especially as your partner has already demonstrated his inability to stick up for you.
Also have another chat with him about moving closer to your family

What were your mother’s concerns about your DP?

Some hard costings and discussions about maternity/paternity leave, rent and childcare are needed. As have said several times, you personally cannot afford to take the risk of working PT or making any changes in your working life that your DP isn’t making. so is DP willing to go 4 days, if you do (assuming your employers would agree)? it’s also probable that you cannot afford your current rent and childcare - where will you move to?

If he wants to push these matters into the long grass, or pressures you to work PT without proposing, that doesn’t bode well.

OP has said there are far more jobs in her and her DP’s fields in London. If DP steps up and they marry and/or move somewhere cheaper within commuting distance and both continue to WoH that could work.

If he doesn’t step up and Op is a single parent it’ll probably be too expensive for OP to remain in London.

If you do move north, perhaps without DP, better to do it immediately before the baby is born. Otherwise he could seek to prevent you doing it.

You have a hard road ahead of you.

Couldn't agree more.

Going to slowly drift away and concentrate on my family (me DP and baby)

And will your DP do the same and concentrate on you or will he stay in his parents apron strings? Because unless things, change it's you on one side and his parents on the other and you'll lose that tug of war from your DP's actions so far.

As a PP said, you need to think long and hard about your future and whether to carry on in a relationship with this man.

OP if I'd been your parents, I would have been more than bewildered. I would have been bloody furious!! And so should you be. I would n't slowly drift away either. I would make it clear that their behaviour is utterly unkind and hurtful. Tbh, I would send them an email or letter setting out how you have tried, how hurtful their comments are and set the record straight! Reiterate that you had been unwell in hospital and that it was an accident; that their son is equally to blame; that you have known him for X years, were saving for a house, fully intended to get married and have a family together one day. Point out that,despite an accident, you are in a long term committed relationship and getting rid of the baby was absolutely not an option. You are not teenagers!
Then address their absolutely snobbery: that you are shocked and hurt that they believe that you have trapped their son (who is equally responsible for getting you pregnant and deciding to keep the baby). You earn the same as him. It is utterly insulting for them to accuse you of money grabbing or that you are not good enough. That you come from a respectable and loving family with good careers (albeit a different accent) and seemingly better morals. Tell them that you appreciate that they are upset; that you too had hoped to have a house and be married first, but that does not excuse their behaviour in casting you out and asking you to stay away from them until such time as they see fit. You are a person and not a dog to be sent away and called back.

Be polite, but extremely firm with how unacceptable their behaviour is and has been. Do not threaten to bar them from seeing their grandchild or move up north (you can still plan to do that but want to retain the moral upper hand at this point). Just focus on their utterly unreasonable behaviour. Make it clear that you will not allow yourself to be treated like that.

I had to do something similar when my in-laws were against me getting married. It wasn't as bad as your situation. Their son was Canadian and they were just desperately scared of losing him to an English girl. But it still didn't excuse their behaviour (we'd been together for 9 years at the time). It helped improve things and they realised that they either got on board or risked being left behind.

Op firstly congratulations .Secondly your DP must step up to his parents, stand his ground if needs be he can practice in the mirror but he needs to be firm and clear with his response, you and your baby are now his priority and you come first and his parent's behaviour is unacceptable and can't continue .If you are happy and want your baby then their opinion is irrelevant don't let them bully you .
They may have loads of money but if they continue their awful behaviour they won't have the pleasure of knowing the love of their first grandchildren. No money in the world can replace that .Op the balls in their court, regardless their behaviour is vile and they have a lot to be putting right . Wish you the best with your pregnancy .

DP said it’s unfair that my family (mum) knew and his didn’t.

So, to summarise:

1. he's stood by and allowed them to treat you poorly for an extended period of time
2. he pressured and manipulated you into them being told within 4 days of finding out you were pregnant, when you haven't even fully processed the news yourself
3. he told them alone, including telling them it was an accident
4. he didn't defend you to them
5. he repeated word for word the nasty, hurtful things they said about you
6. he told you to stay away from them as instructed instead of standing up for you

I can get a feel for why your mum isn't so keen on him.

From what you've said about her it sounds like she is very intuitive and a good judge of character and "normal", healthy behaviour in relationships.

I wonder whether your emotions and sense of investment in the relationship might be clouding your own judgement about what a good guy your partner actually is.

He has vile parents who he's happy to effectively support in that vile behaviour by going along with it and expecting you to tolerate it. How different is he really?

Why did you maintain such frequent visits? Was he applying the same "it's unfair, they're my parents" type of pressure/manipulation as he did on this?

Don't you want a partner who respects and supports you?

Or did he just decide to take zero responsibility for contraception and leave it up to the woman? Poor him...

Just what I thought Vetinari - my heart bleeds for him, the poor innocent . . .

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

My ex-MIL is like that - when my exH had a baby in his new relationship, she proudly proclaimed on the social media that she's SO delighted to become a first-time granny. We have two, but for her, they just don't exist. Like you, I was never good enough and was constantly accused of trapping her DC for "visa reasons" or "money reasons" (I am foreign born, but naturalised long before meeting exH, and was earning twice as much at the time of our marriage). It is one possible scenario for you as well, that your in-laws will never come around and will pretend that your child does not exist. Would you be able to live with this?

HE told his family as you had told yours and he wanted to be fair?

Have his parents been fair? What has he done to address this? Why not? The more you tell us about him the more flags are waving.

For God's sake, give yourself the legal protection of marriage. Don't be in the position where you are working part time with loss of earnings, pension and career advancement without marriage, especially with your difficult family (in law) situation.

How far along are you?

Honestly op, I think you should find yourself a job quickly, up north, and move to be closer to your family.
Your 'DP' sounds like a spineless arse hole who is unlikely to support when you have a baby, if he can't support you now. In all honesty, if at 27 if he can't stand up to you to his parents, your relationship is doomed. You don't have a pil problem, you have a DP problem.

The fact that your mum doesn’t like him when she adores her other CIL is very telling.

In your updates you haven’t said anything to answer all of the concerned posters asking if your DP really does have your back.

I love SonetLumiere’s post above. I hate this cultural attitude that we should suck up to their PIL and work to make them like you. Why? They are just people. I don’t kiss anyone’s arse or try to make them like me. You shouldn’t either.

You wouldn’t tolerate friends treating you like they do, so don’t tolerate it from them. They don’t deserve you, or your lovely baby, in their lives as they are vile people.

How will finances work when you go part time? Have you discussed with dp? Now is a good time to start these conversations.
Not when the baby arrives.

Have you looked for jobs near your family? Worth checking?

That does not bode well. HIs making it about their 'rights' rather than your needs.

How will you feel when he decides it their right to see their newborn grandchild twice a week without you there because your presence upsets them?

My mum at times hasn’t been keen on DP but has said he’s your choice and as long as you love him, so will we.

What isn’t she keen on?

OP,

This is what I can see as possibly happening.

Despite pages and pages of people telling you calmly from experience that you are walking yourself into a really miserable future, you

Go ahead and have this baby with your weak, spineless DP.

You are completely caught, miles from home.

Your in-laws are NEVER going to come around. They can't stand you.

They will treat you with barely contained distain.

Your awful DP will stand on the sidelines and allow you to be treat like shit.

He may or may not bring the child to his parents.

Your child will grow up knowing Mum is not liked and not respected.

You'll carry on and have your self-esteem, the bit you have, ground into the ground.

A couple of years later you'll be on MN telling YOUR story and wondering where it all went wrong.

Well this is the point. The crossroads of your life.

I do think you sound very immature, because maturity would not be dismissing the Armegeddon stories on here that are being told to you with the very best of intentions.

These stories are hard, heartbreaking and lonely.
They are written by women wishing you a better future.
They are written by women who probably wish they had taken a different route.
They are also written by women who have walked away from their partner, citing their awful in-laws as a big part of it.

Ignore them all.
But you will regret your path too, when you mature.

All of the above is written with only the best of intentions.

For God's sake, give yourself the legal protection of marriage.

I never understand why people say things like this. I’m sure it’s meant with good intention but it takes two to get married. What is the OP supposed to do? Force him to marry her? How on Earth do you suggest she do that? It actually sounds as though she would willingly marry him now despite the shitfest that is his family. He doesn’t want to marry her. That much is clear.

I think you need to sit down with your dp and make sure he has your back. Those ILs sound like awful people and you are far away from your own family... you will need dps support and the things you've been saying are worrying... it doesnt sound like hes been standing up for you. His priority should now be his child not keeping the peace with his parents. I'd be very worried that he was going to be more of a hindrance than a help to you here... I'd strongly suggest sitting down with him and being assertive in talking about how you need him to be on your side... this is not the moment for you to be considering the feelings of his parents... they have shown themselves to be deeply nasty people... it's not at all 'understandable that they are shocked'.. their reaction is disgusting. You dont need to stir the pot or be aggressive but dont pander to them and dont pander to your dp either. They have insulted and disrespected you and you need to know that he will not do the same and that he will be there for you and his child... because it does look like him being there for you may be in contradiction to him having a good relationship with his parents... an important thing to remember is that that is NOT YOUR FAULT OR RESPONSIBILITY they have chosen to react like this so any strain on their relationship with their son is their issue... never be made to feel like you are in competition with them and should sacrifice your own needs or your childs needs in order to keep their relationship with their son in tact. If you are keeping this baby then make sure you and the baby come first for your dp... because they should do and no normal inlaws would prevent that.

I wouldn't send them a letter explaining everything in detail, you don't answer to these arseholes

Instead of welcoming you into their family they have labelled you an outcast, someone so unworthy and despised that they may never feel able to tolerate your presence.
For most people a pregnant woman is someone who needs extra care consideration and attention, she is vulnerable and decent honorable people respond to those who are vulnerable with kindness and consideration.
These people are treating you like a pariah, they are despicable.

Remember when you marry, you marry into a family.

You need to be absolutely sure your DP is fully on your side, with his eyes wide open to their behaviour and its unacceptability, before you consider marriage.

I'd be amazed if he can achieve that without therapy. He might pay lip service to the idea of independence but the apron strings are tight.