Pregnant and DP's parents angry?

[notsurenotsure48]

(I don't give permission for daily mail. newspapers, to use this information)

NC for this as pretty sure my username is recognisable. I am 26 and DP is 25. We have been together for three years, friends for years before that and we went to university together. We live in a 2 bed house and both have graduate job earning roughly, 27k each. Funds can be tough as we are based in the SE where our rent is 900pcm! (this is cheap) but we get along fine and it’s cosy. DP’s parents live roughly a 15-minute drive away.
Relationship with DP’s parents has always been a bit rocky. I moved to DP’s town a year after university and soon we were living together. My family are living in the NE so around 4 hours away. DP’s parents are quite formal and conservative, and we have never gone any deeper than polite conversation. I see them twice a week and have never even sat in their living room the whole time I’ve been with DP, it’s always a very formal cup of tea at the table. I have invited DP’s mum out for shopping, afternoon tea before and she never replies to my texts/brushes it off in person so I’ve given up trying. DP said they are just quiet, fair enough but after 3 years?
My family aren’t scum by any means, Dad is a director of marketing and mum is a nurse, however I get the impression that DP’s parents feel we are from a lower class. DP’s dad has always earnt 100k plus a year and they’ve always had big house, three cars. I’m not really bothered by money but they do ask a lot of questions about my parents, their jobs, even now when they know everything.

Anyways, onto the main issue. I have been on the pill for 3 years- never any problem. I was recently (10 weeks ago) hospitalised with an infection and given Rifaximin via IV. I didn’t realise until I was out of hospital that this would have interacted with my pill- plus I didn’t take my pill the whole time I was in hospital due to just forgetting and sleeping and feeling genuinely awful. Fast forward, four days ago I found out I was pregnant. DP and I are both in shock but gradually coming round to the idea. We discussed all options and decided that we both would keep the baby.
DP went to tell his parents and they are furious- saying I trapped him, I’m irresponsible and that I’ve basically ruined their son’s life. They’ve requested that I don’t go round there for a while until they calm down and they aren’t sure of when that will be. They’ve mentioned money trapping and all sorts (very upsetting for me considering we earn the same, and have the same degree). DP has tried to defend me but they won’t have it. I think he wants to keep peace both sides.
I understand that they are upset and will calm down but I feel disgusted that money has been mentioned. Also being 4 hours from my own family, I sort of would’ve loved their support in this. DP’s mum is a mum of four , and I’d have loved her guidance and advice.

Wow. What a pair of snobs. Dont let it ruin your good news.

One final thought. One way of dealing with it would be not to indulge them in any arguments or emotional drama. In my experience, snobby people love to attack those who show emotions easily. Rise above it with dignity. Tell them calmly that you are likely to move nearer to your family because you would like the emotional support and house prices are cheaper. Very easy to be negative about a pregnancy. Harder to deal with the other grandparents getting all those cuddles when the baby arrives, knowing you drove your son away...

That may be your experience @MerryOldGoat but plenty of people raise children without family support on lower household income than this couple. Of course there can be hard aspects of parenting and relationships but it's a bit melodramatic to declare it won't end well

Congratulations OP, you were trying to be polite and friendly to your PIL, but it is clear they are not reciprocating. It might be helpful to read up on personal boundaries to help you figure out how to make sure you aren't trampled.

@Scorpiovenus your entire post is appalling and ignorant.

His child ruined his entire life for being born after he got the child’s mother pregnant? Really? Fuck right off.

He muT stand up for you and his baby. If not he is not worth staying with. He should not go round to his snobby parents either after their horrible ‘request’. And should tell them how nasty that was.

OP

Have you told your parents how badly his family have treated you week in, week out?

Have you told your family he is unwilling to stand up to his family and have your back?

Have you told your family you have being ordered to stay away from their home?

I think any normal family would be appalled at how they have, and continue to, treat you.

I think most parents would be appalled that their darling child is accepting this treatment.

Your weak character'd boyfriend has not got your back.

Marriage, bill paying, work and children can be challenging for the most devoted of couples, without the poison of divisive in-laws.

Do not dismiss the anecdotes of people on here who've experienced this poison.

I think you should suggest moving closer to your family as they are willing to be supportive, and see what he thinks of that.

I wonder who's needs is he prepared to put first.

I think you need to protect yourself first.

Children are difficult with lots of family support and lots of money; you have neither 54K is hardly begging bowls in the street, even if OP drops down to 3 days it's still around 45k.

A lot of men do get trapped and their lives ruined

In what way is a man's life "ruined" by having a child?

I am genuinely curious. Everyone I know is either glad of their children or has virtually forgotten them.

Well we ended up telling them early as I had rang my mum told her asking for advice and DP said it’s unfair that my family (mum) knew and his didn’t.

Red flag. You told your mum about your pregnancy for her advice and support. Your partners mother has been, at best, cold towards you and presumably the fact that she is a hideous snob has not been lost on your partner. She was never going to be able to give any useful advice so telling her was not for your benefit but hers. Your partner will likely continue to put his parents first because he has been conditioned all his life to do so.
Has he explicitly agreed to moving up north and to a timeline? I doubt he will ever agree to this happening once baby is here and his parents have got wind of it and advised him not to. If you split up you could potentially end up trapped in the SE without any family support until your child is out of school in order to facilitate contact with your partner.

@Merryoldgoat Excuse me? Both OP & her DP are on decent salaries! How dare you say they "have neither"

Op :(, I’m afraid I’m filled with anxiety for you as I read all this.

I think you are up against snobs who will take advantage of the situation when you are pregnant and vulnerable and a new Mum,

You must.... find a way to get your dp deal with things properly. This will only get worse with time.

I’m also surprised he came and told u about their reaction as if it was reasonable... instead of dealing with it

I think a reasonable man should’ve dealt with it and possibly told you about it afterwards...

He isn’t keeping the peace.. he is trying to get you to support him in getting their approval even when they’re being totally hideous to you,,

He needs to learn to protect his family and unfortunately that’s something you either have or you don’t.. and if you don’t, he needs to be willing to change and it will t
She very long.

My advice is... put yourself and child first.. go live near your parents even if it compromises his career.. you will need support and you definitely don’t need someone taking advantage of your vulnerable times..

He either has to develop a backbone or he has to accept that you will be distant from his family. Let him deal with the consequences because it is his job that he isn’t doing

@Scorpiovenus
How was your DH trapped? As a man in his 20s was he not aware of how contraception worked?

Does he have learning difficulties that mean he has a limited grasp of biology? Was he sexually assaulted?

Or did he just decide to take zero responsibility for contraception and leave it up to the woman? Poor him...

They have perfectly good salaries but OP herself said they’re stretched paying rent on a flat - you add on nursery/childcare and a bigger place and money suddenly becomes quite tight.

They do not have loads of money.

All I’m saying is it’s hard with all the cards stacked in your favour; with unpleasant in-laws, your own family far away and potential money issues you aren’t starting from the best position.

The prob take home around £3200 combined after tax

Rent £900
Nursery £1200 (conservative)
Food £500
Gas and Electric £120
Broadband and TV £50
Commuting £200
Insurance £20
Council Tax £120

That’s over £3k with zero going out, clothing, luxuries etc.

Plenty of people do it on less but it’s not EASY without some support which they don’t have with those awful PIL.

Yeah my parents are bewildered by their behaviour. My mum has said before that their behaviour says a lot more about their character than mine.

My mum has two daughter in laws and loves them to pieces so guess it’s weird all round. My mum at times hasn’t been keen on DP but has said he’s your choice and as long as you love him, so will we.

She also said that I shouldn’t expect anything from them and just be polite but not attempt anything deeper- which I’ve been doing.

I wasn’t looking to be best friends just more solidarity so it would be a better environment for me, the child and everyone but I doubt that will happen.

Going to slowly drift away and concentrate on my family (me DP and baby)

They don’t want you in their house knowing you’re pregnant with their sons baby. I can’t fathom a slow drift off. If they are lucky I would next see them while you are cuddling their grandchild, no handing baby around until you are more confident they deserve a place in baby’s life.

"Well we ended up telling them early as I had rang my mum told her asking for advice and DP said it’s unfair that my family (mum) knew and his didn’t."

Well it's not particularly fair that you have to go through pregnancy and childbirth while he doesn't.

The reason that pregnant women often tell their own mothers about pregnancy and often want their own mothers to be present at or after the birth is because they need support! Pregnancy and childbirth are a big fucking deal!

I think you are in for a whole host of problems with your partner and his family. The in-laws' attitude is bad enough but the real problem is your partner's attitude. He still seems to be on their side. He has been conditioned by them since childhood so it's a difficult thing for him to do, but he MUST choose his new family (you and baby).

I advise you to read the book "Toxic In-laws" by Susan Forward and ask him to read "Toxic Parents" by the same author. And couple's counselling would be very helpful if you can find the time and money for a few sessions with a good therapist.

It is absolutely crucial that you retain your financial independence for two reasons: 1. you are not married and 2. his parents are a huge threat to the relationship because if he is unable or unwilling to stand up to them, you will suffer and so will the relationship. You will need the option to split and not feel trapped by financial dependence on him.

You must ensure the following:

• the two of you share parental leave equally, and if one takes more leave than the other, finances should be organised fairly so that the person taking more leave is not out of pocket (in terms of actual cash in the bank and also pension contributions).
• you both return to work the same number of days (full time or maybe 4 days a week), you share childcare drop offs and pick ups, you take it in turns to take time off work when baby is too ill for childcare and needs to stay home with a parent, you share childcare costs
• you give baby YOUR surname either by itself or double-barrelled with his surname too. (Baby should not share a surname with in-laws but not with its own mother).

A lot of men do get trapped and their lives ruined. And it costs them most of their life so they are probably just mirroring that and not that you personally is a sponger.

More likely the OP is going to end up getting trapped by this man who failed to use contraception and got her pregnant and then subjected her to his quite awful family. She risks damage to her fledging graduate career by having it interrupted by maternity and has no marriage or permanent home to cushion it.

This family are all take, take, take and give nothing in return. I think they are actually the money grabbers - or they would like to be, because if a graduate in a decent job from a decent family isn't good enough for them, I can only assume they hoped to attract a member of the landed gentry or a wealthy lawyer or doctor into their family.

Op is Your Dp going to continue to go round their house twice weekly whilst you are banned? I think his intentions over this now will give you a good indication of how is going to be in the future.

I think I would be trying to move up north. If there are senior positions up there then there are also graduate positions, maybe not at the same wage but this will be offset by the cheaper cost of living.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

@Coyoacan In what way is a man's life "ruined" by having a child? I am genuinely curious. Everyone I know is either glad of their children or has virtually forgotten them

In what way is it not ruined? The few fleeting moments of joy that many MN’s admit is not worth the stress and drudgery?

Oh come on Skittlenommer. I have a dd and a dgd and neither of them have ruined anyone's life. They never cost their fathers a penny or any time or heartache and I wouldn't give either of them up for the world. Ruin is getting caught in the middle of a war, finding out you have cancer or having an addiction, not having a child

I would be thinking long and hard about continuing with this pregnancy. Your boyfriend is not willing to put you and the baby 1st ahead of his parents.
He stood there when his mother told you she was not happy to hear that you are pregnant and that you are not welcome in her house.
Ok he might have wanted time to think before he told his parents that there behaviour towards you was not acceptable and unless they appolgised he was not going to have anything more to do with them.
Instead he still goes to their house and probably listens to them slate you.
Do you want to be with a man who still acts like a child? Do you want to be left bringing up this child on your own with no money or support from him and his family?
Do you not deserve a better life than this? I am not saying having an abortion is easy but bringing up a child with manchild like your boyfriend is going to be hard. I know how much friends of mine were glad of family support when they had baby's and children.

@notsurenotsure48 It would only cost a couple of hundred at a registry office.

It says a lot about his parents that they won't accept you. They don't deserve to see their grandchild if they don't change their attitude. I feel sad for you as their reaction must hurt. Maybe you could keep closer contact with your mum via Skype or something?

Hi OP agree 100% with comments above that he can't and shouldn't be trying to keep the peace here and it's really worrying he didn't have your back. He needs to tell them calmly but firmly that you are his no 1 priority, he won't have you spoken to or treated like that and that they need to apologise and then you can all put the unpleasantness behind you and move on and look fwd to baby. (Of course you can't forgive and forget that easily but it's the grown up and civil thing to do, although you'd be within your rights to cut them off).

If he won't do that please please leave him. I'm really serious. This will get worse and worse.

Assuming you can get DP to see sense then I think the best possible things you can do are to:

Move away from toxic in laws (even if you get an apology); and
Get married before baby comes

I really wish you the best and I hope this turns out OK for you...

Please give us an update

“Slowly drift away”

Oh god, OP, they are not going to let you “slowly drift away”. They are going to be dripping poison in the ear of your DP, trying to persuade him to bring your child round to them without you so they don’t have to tolerate your chavvy presence, sticking the knife in whenever they can because after all you’re just some cheap slut who got herself pregnant to trap their little darling...

This isn’t going to work. Drifting away is for people who make tasteless jokes or spend Christmas dinner ranting about immigrants. Your partner needs to go NC, or you need to leave him. Your life will be intolerable after the baby gets here if you are still in contact with them.

DM was pretty obnoxious to DH for a long time (genuine concerns, expressed nastily). Genuine tears at my wedding, that sort of thing. After once particularly nasty comment I snapped and went completely NC until I was 6mo pregnant with DS - she didn’t even know so was pregnant. She has been on best behaviour ever since then, because she knows I won’t tolerate her being nasty about my husband. Your DH needs a similarly spectacular blow up with his family for them to start to respect your relationship too.