Pregnant and DP's parents angry?

[notsurenotsure48]

(I don't give permission for daily mail. newspapers, to use this information)

NC for this as pretty sure my username is recognisable. I am 26 and DP is 25. We have been together for three years, friends for years before that and we went to university together. We live in a 2 bed house and both have graduate job earning roughly, 27k each. Funds can be tough as we are based in the SE where our rent is 900pcm! (this is cheap) but we get along fine and it’s cosy. DP’s parents live roughly a 15-minute drive away.
Relationship with DP’s parents has always been a bit rocky. I moved to DP’s town a year after university and soon we were living together. My family are living in the NE so around 4 hours away. DP’s parents are quite formal and conservative, and we have never gone any deeper than polite conversation. I see them twice a week and have never even sat in their living room the whole time I’ve been with DP, it’s always a very formal cup of tea at the table. I have invited DP’s mum out for shopping, afternoon tea before and she never replies to my texts/brushes it off in person so I’ve given up trying. DP said they are just quiet, fair enough but after 3 years?
My family aren’t scum by any means, Dad is a director of marketing and mum is a nurse, however I get the impression that DP’s parents feel we are from a lower class. DP’s dad has always earnt 100k plus a year and they’ve always had big house, three cars. I’m not really bothered by money but they do ask a lot of questions about my parents, their jobs, even now when they know everything.

Anyways, onto the main issue. I have been on the pill for 3 years- never any problem. I was recently (10 weeks ago) hospitalised with an infection and given Rifaximin via IV. I didn’t realise until I was out of hospital that this would have interacted with my pill- plus I didn’t take my pill the whole time I was in hospital due to just forgetting and sleeping and feeling genuinely awful. Fast forward, four days ago I found out I was pregnant. DP and I are both in shock but gradually coming round to the idea. We discussed all options and decided that we both would keep the baby.
DP went to tell his parents and they are furious- saying I trapped him, I’m irresponsible and that I’ve basically ruined their son’s life. They’ve requested that I don’t go round there for a while until they calm down and they aren’t sure of when that will be. They’ve mentioned money trapping and all sorts (very upsetting for me considering we earn the same, and have the same degree). DP has tried to defend me but they won’t have it. I think he wants to keep peace both sides.
I understand that they are upset and will calm down but I feel disgusted that money has been mentioned. Also being 4 hours from my own family, I sort of would’ve loved their support in this. DP’s mum is a mum of four , and I’d have loved her guidance and advice.

Yabbers is a prat

You can get married for a couple of hundred quid..

Sounds like your DP has been getting off lightly. Keeping the peace is code for not sticking up for you and letting you take all the flak. What does he think of his mum ignoring your texts and invitations? Not even an acknowledgement just openly blanking you like that and he expects you to visit them twice a week knowing full well they have this attitude towards you?

You should expect better from him because a lot of your future pain with his parents will be totally down to his ability to stick up for you, your relationship and your life decisions as soon to be parents. If they haven't been respecting you thus far you would be very foolish to imagine they are ever going to change.

They don't like you Op. That will never change. You are not what they wanted for their son. That will never change.

I'd honestly reconsider the pregnancy or face a life of having to put up with them interfering. Because as soon as the baby is born, they will. And he wont stand up for you. You already have a boyfriend problem. Dont make him a husband problem.

I very much hope that your partner is also going to stay away while they "calm down" too. And then for a while longer while you two "calm down".

So your parents know yet? If not you should both go up to visit to tell them so that he can see how normal people respond to lovely news.

What are his siblings like? Any chance they'll support you and tell their parents not to be so ridiculous?

Get married. In the registry office for £75. You would be crazy not to. Do not go part time until you do this. You are setting yourself up for financial ruin if you don’t. You can have the big fairytale wedding if that’s what you want later.

You will take a huge financial risk going part time otherwise. Is your partner looking at part time/flexible working?

As many others have said, you need to get a backbone and completely disengage with his parents. They sound horrific and probably think because you come from the north you are scum.

But you need to assess why you tolerate this? Why do you see them so much when they are so obviously horrible to you?

Too late now but I wouldn’t have told them so soon into the pregnancy. I’m assuming it’s your first pregnancy, you just seem rather naive. 1 in 4 sadly end in miscarriage so you really should have waited at least until after the first scan. It would just be horrible now if you were to miscarry and have to tell them, following this reaction I’d imagine they’d take the opportunity to gloat.

They sound like nasty snobs, no better way of wording it really. Your DP needs to stand up to them more and I’d also be considering moving further away from them. I doubt this will improve.

Alternatively, get your father, in his best 'av just come home from t' mill northern accent' to ring them up and yell at them for "their nowt for good son takin advantage and knockin you up, without even avin put ta ring on t' finger!" I would be partly tempted to play along with their terrible ignorance and have a bit of fun!

Your partner needs to pick a side and keep peace with one of them. There is no middle here.

I’d give them their break, and I’d take one from them too. Yours can last as long as you want it to last, meaning, you don’t need to jump to it when they come back to you.

As far as marriage, if your partner is your guy and stands up for you, I’d have a small private registry wedding. I would want the legal protection that your inlaws would have a harder time legally fighting for visitation. Do NOT get married however if your partner refuses to stand up for your new family.

Your boyfriend is not keeping the peace in the middle though, is he? He's letting them treat you disgustingly. He always has, letting them ignore your invitations and not have you in their living room etc. You sound as though you've been polite and generous in your reaction to their rudeness. You're now at the start of a new path. He really needs to grow up, look at what's happening and act like a decent man/father. If he can't, the odds are your relationship will wither and you'll either end up a single mother or you'll have a bloody awkward life. This happened to a friend of mine, although her boyfriend was initially better than yours. They had the baby, worked hard to make a life for five years without contact with his snooty parents, who disowned him when she got pregnant. Then one day he called on his parents, must have missed them. They told him theyd welcome him back to the family if he abandoned her and the baby. He did! That little boy rarely, if ever, see his dad, and she struggled raising him alone without any support from him. She had a really tough time while he was growing up (the baby - who knows if the dad ever grew up!)

Totally agree with ohfourfuckssake.
And as for trapping him ?.
You have been together for over Three years for heavens sake.
Personally if it were me I would say they can get stuffed.
Trapped after 3 weeks maybe.
They are no snobs, just evil pigs who think they are something they are not.
I do feel for your partner,he`s sort of stuck in the middle.
Maybe he should have a word with them.
And tell them how wrong they are.
If it was me.. they wouldn't see their Grandchild until they took that comment back.
Harsh as it may sound.

They’ll probably change their tune once the baby comes along- make sure you come as a package, don’t let them request time alone with the baby.

Oh and, in regards to the Daily Mail disclaimer, as others have said it’s worthless. This is why people write ‘Daily Mail are parasitic cocksuckers’ or the like- because while a disclaimer is irrelevant, the paper will not likely post an article directing readers to a thread disparaging them in the first line.

They sound awful. You obv need to try and keep their impact on your life to a minimum. However it’s undeniably a real problem for your relationship and how much so depends on tour DP’s response to them. It sounds like he has gone round to their house on his own but you have so much detail of their response. I’m not sure why. Personally I would say the bare minimum, to my pregnant partner in those circs so that the gist was clear but nothing more. I’d probably say “they didn’t receive news well, I’m not very happy with them as a result, let’s just focus on us for a bit and leave them to it.” I think it’s unnecessary, hurtful and damaging to go into all the details. How will you ever be able to forgot such hurtful details? Why did he do that? What was his response to their horrible comments? Is he happy to go round there without you?

It’s a tough one OP, they’ve been dicks but you are the one who will suffer the most. once “their grandchild” is here, things may improve. But be wary as it may get worse, they could make demands to see them, put more pressure on your relationship and your parents are tucked hours away so they are primary family and may be even more overbearing.

Fuck that. If they don't accept the baby now it's not about coming as a package. It's now completely or they never see the baby.

I live in the south east, hundreds of miles away from family and we are fine. Childcare needs to be paid for rather than family but we are happy. You can be too. Save like crazy until maternity leave. There are lots of very family themed things in south east as many people out of the city to start a family.

Your in laws will thaw but you don’t need to. When they are gushing over their grandchild your DP needs to remind them of their poor behaviour.

Is there a large inheritance or “family money” with your DP’s parents? As I fail to see what they are bring so protective of financially.

Are you absolutely sure you want to have a baby with this man OP? He seems rather dependent on his parents and unable to stand up to them, I'd be worrying that if you weren't married, he might leave you once the baby is born, leaving you to bring up his (your) kid!

I think his parents are what my mother would have called "jumped up nothings". I disagree that they are rich. 100k is nothing special in south east. And its not as if you are benefitting from their supposed wealth, which, when split between 4 children as an inheritance, will be pretty minimal anyway. I'd just cut off contact with them because they are being rude and can't behave themselves.

You are a graduate who met your DP at uni - what more do they want? You hold a graduate job and earn the same as their son!

I had this a bit with DH's parents. They came from a very cheap area however and thought they were wealthy because they had a biggish house in a suburb. They were actually much better when I lost it one day and told them that my parent's retirement flat still cost more than their house!

I think your DP's parents are bullying you and tbh you do need a certain level of confidence in your own background to stand up to people like that and tell them a few home truths. They are not rich or even particularly wealthy and they over-estimate their own importance. Be very careful if having a child with someone who has been brought up by them.

Congratulations!! I could have written your post 3 years ago (we were in our 30s though, so even more ridiculous to react like that)! I can tell you it doesn't get any better once the baby arrives, my in-laws went from bad to worse.

I'd just steer clear if I was you, I am low contact with my in-laws and our children only see them once every 2 months or so, this is something they get angry about. My husband has a strained relationship with them too over how they've treated me, even he doesn't want to see them!

How awful they sound!

Never mind being told to stay away, why would you even want to visit them after the bashing you’ve got!

Who do they think they are!

Did you both expect a completely different reaction? As judging by their past view of you, it really shouldn’t have been a surprise, sad all the same.

Congratulations to you both. It’s sad that it’s been tainted by their unfounded view of you.

They hate you and have clearly laid their cards in the table ( but you knew that already)
This situation WILL NOT change one bit I’m afraid
You need to make plans to eventually move closer to your family support as you will only get grief from these snobby cunts, they will have opinions on you dragging their precious son down to your “poor parents” area but you need to grow thick skin and solidarity with OH to get through this
I would recommend you arrange couples counselling for you both to navigate this nastiness and getting through this as a unit and for it not to affect your children
Good luck you are going to need it.... what utter cunts🙄

Oh, and its also quite likely that you will bring just as much to the table in terms of inheritance prospects as their son, if you want to talk along those lines. Even if they do have a biggish house in the south east, once its split 4 ways and inheritance tax paid, there won't actually be that much going to their son as he is one of four.

They really do sound quite strange people. Did they think their son was going to marry a princes or something?

This is awful,and shocking behaviour, but not unheard of. I hate the word snob, but it's appropriate I suppose. The people who go about family relationships in this hideous way.should just be avoided,although not always possible I know... So just be happy that you are going to have a baby,and your own little family.The MIL will miss out if she doesn't get real.

I'm so sorry to read this. I had the same with my husband's Mum and sister when I fell pregnant with our first child. We now have 5 children.

His Mum and sister were so cruel. They said they needed time to 'get used to the idea' and both my husband and I were cast out of the family for 4 years. They missed the birth of our first 2 children and 4 years of their lives.

I sent photos and email updates to them and not once got a reply.

4 years down the line, the mother responded to me. She came and visited our first 2 children and has been part of the other 3's life too. She has never apologised. My husband's sister has never returned and as a result has missed out on the love of 5 wonderful children. She has no children of her own and still lives with my mother in law (age 50)

Ironically we both have professional careers and I still earn more than my husband (not that it matters). Yet I was called a money grabber, told I was 'trapping' my husband and everything else.

I will never forgive my mother in law for what she did and the relationship between her and my husband is very cold. He loathes her but she's the only family he has.

Everytime I see her cuddle my daughter who she screamed at me to abort, I feel sick.

My husband will also never forgive her

I should also add, we got married at a registry office during my 1st pregnancy. His mum and sister missed out on that too. They were SO cruel, said we'd last 5 minutes. We've been happily married 15 years now. Wankers

Ugh, they sound appalling.

But this is going to create problems - they don't like you, they don't accept you and they likely never will. Your DP is going to be torn between you and them - and he's not going to like it.

If he continues to go round to see them twice a week without you, they will likely spend a fair bit of their time trying to convince him to leave you. They might even suggest that the baby is not even his (ha - seen that done before). They will do everything they can to try and weasel him away from you.

Will he stay away if you can't go too, or will he keep going there? Because if he keeps going, despite their calculated insults towards you, then he's not going to be much of a support to you in the coming years.

Your baby will either be ostracised because it's yours, OR they'll try and take it over because it's his, and cut you out. Read some threads on here about overbearing Mothers who try to become "mummy" to their grandchild - sickening.

I hear what you're saying about jobs in the SE area - but in all honesty, I'd try to relocate back up to where you're from - you'll have family, much cheaper cost of living and hopefully you'd still be able to get some kind of job even if it's not in the exact field you're in at the moment. I'd hope your DP would go with you.

I'm so sorry that what should have been a happy situation for you has been marred like this by the poisonous attitudes of your DP's parents.

Good luck

Ditch the in-laws.

My DF did similar to me for daring to marry a foreigner. I wish he could say he saw sense with time, but to my great sadness he died before that happened.

Anyway, let the in-laws do their worst. They sound utterly horrible, I must say. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

My ILS said I'd trapped my husband too. We bobbed along for 10 years with three children, relationships with them were strained until one day during an argument about their behaviour my DH snapped and hit me. I took the children and went to my mothers and started divorce proceeding as I knew he would never protect us against them. DH re-married and had a child. When my daughter grew older and decided to go and see her grandmother, there were no photographs of "our" children on display only the new child who was doted on.