Pregnant and DP's parents angry?

[notsurenotsure48]

(I don't give permission for daily mail. newspapers, to use this information)

NC for this as pretty sure my username is recognisable. I am 26 and DP is 25. We have been together for three years, friends for years before that and we went to university together. We live in a 2 bed house and both have graduate job earning roughly, 27k each. Funds can be tough as we are based in the SE where our rent is 900pcm! (this is cheap) but we get along fine and it’s cosy. DP’s parents live roughly a 15-minute drive away.
Relationship with DP’s parents has always been a bit rocky. I moved to DP’s town a year after university and soon we were living together. My family are living in the NE so around 4 hours away. DP’s parents are quite formal and conservative, and we have never gone any deeper than polite conversation. I see them twice a week and have never even sat in their living room the whole time I’ve been with DP, it’s always a very formal cup of tea at the table. I have invited DP’s mum out for shopping, afternoon tea before and she never replies to my texts/brushes it off in person so I’ve given up trying. DP said they are just quiet, fair enough but after 3 years?
My family aren’t scum by any means, Dad is a director of marketing and mum is a nurse, however I get the impression that DP’s parents feel we are from a lower class. DP’s dad has always earnt 100k plus a year and they’ve always had big house, three cars. I’m not really bothered by money but they do ask a lot of questions about my parents, their jobs, even now when they know everything.

Anyways, onto the main issue. I have been on the pill for 3 years- never any problem. I was recently (10 weeks ago) hospitalised with an infection and given Rifaximin via IV. I didn’t realise until I was out of hospital that this would have interacted with my pill- plus I didn’t take my pill the whole time I was in hospital due to just forgetting and sleeping and feeling genuinely awful. Fast forward, four days ago I found out I was pregnant. DP and I are both in shock but gradually coming round to the idea. We discussed all options and decided that we both would keep the baby.
DP went to tell his parents and they are furious- saying I trapped him, I’m irresponsible and that I’ve basically ruined their son’s life. They’ve requested that I don’t go round there for a while until they calm down and they aren’t sure of when that will be. They’ve mentioned money trapping and all sorts (very upsetting for me considering we earn the same, and have the same degree). DP has tried to defend me but they won’t have it. I think he wants to keep peace both sides.
I understand that they are upset and will calm down but I feel disgusted that money has been mentioned. Also being 4 hours from my own family, I sort of would’ve loved their support in this. DP’s mum is a mum of four , and I’d have loved her guidance and advice.

Any idea why they are so rude and behaving so badly towards you OP?

Do you have an accent? Are they accent snobs (while possibly having quite a local accent themselves)?

Why are you and your DP tiptoeing around them so much? I know its difficult when you're only in your twenties but really, someone has to stand up to them and tell them just how appallingly bad mannered they are!

I think you’re getting a hard time OP.

You and your dp are clearly young and quite naïve. Your pregnancy is probably the first big test of your adult lives.

Your dp most likely isn’t the bad guy other posters are making him out to be, but this is the moment that he needs to grow a pair and stand up for his own values and relationships. He’s probably gone along with his parents so far in life as he’s had no reason to stand up to them.

Their hate for you is possibly tied up with his increasing independence as an adult and their assumption that you are ‘controlling him’ (and they are losing control) rather than this being a normal lifestyle stage. Trust me, I’ve been there with similar ILs and have the medal.

In the short term, you and your dp need to decide what to do work and housing and childcare wise. And remind him that he will have no automatic parental rights (unless you are married). Other posters give good advice about protecting your career and relationship, please take it.

I hope that you can quickly reach a place where you can enjoy your pregnancy and look forward to your baby being born.

Having read this whole thread as heartbreaking as it is I think OP
Really need to make some
Major decisions as to the viability of this relationship and pregnancy

Horribly thing to say I know

And remind him that he will have no automatic parental rights (unless you are married).

This sounds uncomfortably close to blackmail

And remind him that he will have no automatic parental rights (unless you are married).

That’s not true ! It’s the birth certificates that dictate

In fact it’s marriage then birth certificate

I always come across as as a hard old bitch on threads like this. It's because I was raised in a family with zero attendance to birth control. Every single child for my mum, aunts and uncles was unplanned. Every pregnancy was met with 'oh god, what will you do?', 'how does he feel? Is he going to support you?' or 'but you said you didn't even like her the other week - what a mess'.

People don't think children aware aware of this stuff but we are. I remember every conversation people had around me when I was a child. And I was determined that it wouldn't be me. I've paid scrupulous attention to contraception because being like the rest of my family terrified me because raising children always involved fights with reluctant fathers or mothers sick of the crap from my uncles, no money, step-parents and blended families, asking for credit in shops when we had no money, overcrowded housing etc etc.

We were all wanted and loved, but there often wasn't support from the other side of the family.

I'm not saying in any way that THIS will be the OPs experience, it's most likely it won't be. But it's ridiculous to just wander into parenthood without thinking truly about the implications.

As PP have said, there is the likelihood that this child will grow up hearing their mother denigrated and seeing her mistreated all because she's from a different part of the country and her parents haven't as much money. Is that what you want for your children? For yourself?

I will tell you one story which my aunt told me yesterday when I was talking about this thread to her.

She had a friend who was half Scottish and half Indian when she was in her twenties. He partner was white. They got married but her MIL always said how she didn't like Scottish and Indian people (in front of her) and that she stopped him from meeting someone right for him. At every party, function, event the MIL brought her husband's ex and lamented how he would've been so much happier with her. Husband wanted to 'keep the peace'. They got divorced eventually after years of her being mistreated and her husband doing nothing to stop it. Guess who he's married to now?

Absolutely have your baby if you want to - just do it with wide open eyes and don't make this into a romantic love story it isn't.

Crikey OP this had become a thread that reveals all the misogyny and sexist judgement of women in our society, way beyond the scope of your original post!
Congratulations on your pregnancy!!

Ignore every comment about forgotten contraceptives while you were ill in hospital, you're human. When you're sick it's the last thing you will be thinking about. And like many have said, contraception is not just a woman's concern. Every pregnancy is caused by a man.
Ignore every comment telling you that you are naive. Because from each post you have written,I think you come across as well considered and mature. You've done very well not to reply to a lot of judgemental comments on this thread. Well done.
Ignore comments about having to move home, you'll cope fine as long as your partner is committed. I'm doing the same with my husband and have plenty of support from friends and neighbors. Both our family support us but we also can't live close to them because of our work. Moving home to be with family because you have a baby is pretty outdated.
Ignore comments that judge your salaries and where you live, you will find a way and live a happy life with whatever you have.
There was some good advice on keeping up with your career, don't accept pressure just for you to go part time. Do what is right for you, both parents can take a lead in childcare. But if you choose to take time to be with your baby, that's fine too. I just had my first and am already back full time while he is 5 months old. It is hard but isn't killing me.
Wishing you and your growing little family all the best, and finally what horrid in-laws. Keep away and don't let them in until they apologise.

Really hope your dp stands by you. Move north - you get so much more for your money, to say nothing of a friendlier family!

I in no way meant my comment as blackmail (no automatic parental rights unless married). It’s a fact, your choice whether to name him on the bc. The only way he would have AUTOMATIC parental rights is if you were married. Which I actually wouldn’t recommend as a knee jerk reaction to a pregnancy.
Be aware that the PILs may do a complete U turn and pressure you to marry once they realise this.

@Pikapikachooo If he is named on the birth certificate he gets automatic parental responsibility. However he has to go with the OP to register the birth with his ID. He cannot just asked to be named on it.

If you don't allow him to go with you to register the birth he can go to court and ask for parental responsibility, and it is granted in the vast majority of cases. However most guys are too lazy (and stupid) to do this, complain and just demand to be on the birth certificate.

Oh and if you get married after the birth, you are suppose to re-register the birth due to a screw up with the law.

“you'll cope fine as long as your partner is committed”. Perhaps, if committed means: standing up to his parents; sharing parenting and domestic work equally; and being as considerate of OP’s working life as he is of his own.

Sadly, I don’t know many fathers, of any age, who have done the latter two things. Perhaps I don’t know the right men! Marriage is some protection.

I think OP may be in denial about her DP as she hasn't addressed any of the questions about him.

OP the baby isn't going to fix things it'll just be more hurt for you. Additional means to alienate you with. Don't bury your head in the sand.

I think OP may be in denial about her DP as she hasn't addressed any of the questions about him.

Sadly I agree with this.

I think OP may be in denial about her DP as she hasn't addressed any of the questions about him.

Well yes, she is in love with him and has just found out they are going to have a baby. And so far, the only bad thing we know about him is that he won't stand up to his parents.

Advice, OP, but you have already been given a lot of food for thought here and I hope some of it is useful to help you avoid some of the major pitfalls.

Guess I'm lucky, my husband has taken SPL as his work offer a better maternity leave package then line and is doing a fantastic job! He's gutted to be going back to work when his leave ends.
OP hasn't really given much insight into where her partner is with all of this right now, I think a lot of people jumped to conclusions because he didn't appear to stand up for her to his parents. But who knows what has happened since.
I'm hoping he's seen this thread and gained some insight.

better maternity package than mine

Hope you are ok OP?

@notsurenotsure48, your post makes me feel very worried for you.

If you sound like a very kind person but also a little naive/ inexperienced. I don't think that's unusual at your age but I really hope you take note of the large amount of advice you have received here.
I was in a very similar position to you as I also became unexpectedly pregnant by my long term boyfriends at 26. I was also naive and inexperienced and hadn't had to contend with any major problems at that stage in my life. We weren't living together at the time and were working very long hours and were at junior stages in our careers. My in laws had also never liked me and never thought of me as good enough for their son. This has continued throughout many years and despite more children. The two things that meant that we didn't divorce at a very early stage were that a) they live abroad b) my husband (boyfriend at the time) was extremely supportive of me and refused to take their unfair behaviour. In spite of these things, they have still caused us stress over the years with their difficult behaviour. Life has also provided us with our fair share of stress and challenges too and these things can be hard for any couple with children but are MUCH easier if you have supportive families to speak to (we don't on either side).
Your mum sounds like a supportive, sensible and kind woman. It makes me a bit concerned that she isn't too keen on your partner but adores her two DILs. Why is that? It's really worth speaking to her about it now.

I think you at a crossroads now and need to think carefully about all your options. I know you love your DP but, as most of the posters have said, his behaviour is only going to continue to cause more problems and will likely result in the two of you splitting. You need to speak to him very firmly, even show him this thread. If he refuses to put you and your baby first consistently and stop 'keeping the peace', I don't think the two of you will survive as a couple. Would you want to be a single mother? How would you cope? How would the wishes of DP and his parents impact on your life? They might make things extremely miserable for you. There are so many stories of women who are in this position on MN.

I know you probably think that you are in love and things will work themselves out but they won't unless your DP changes his behaviour hugely. I would definitely look into job options in the NE too. Your family sound much more likely to be kind and supportive than his.
Feel free to PM me if you want to.

Hi OP, it was when my first bf repeated verbatim some unkind things that had been said about me that I realised he was not on my side. Yes he couched the comment with “I thought you should know what so-and-so thinks about you” but really it’s not cool to relay back to the object of (in my case) her disdain.

Plus, why did so-and-so think in the first place that she could talk about me in those terms to my supposed bf? More to the point, my bf never took her to task for her comments.

For me these were the red flags that, had I paid proper attention, would have saved me years of heartache.

I hope you are OK and wish you the very best. Your bf May still be “the one” but he definitely needs a crash course in solidarity