Pregnant and DP's parents angry?

[notsurenotsure48]

(I don't give permission for daily mail. newspapers, to use this information)

NC for this as pretty sure my username is recognisable. I am 26 and DP is 25. We have been together for three years, friends for years before that and we went to university together. We live in a 2 bed house and both have graduate job earning roughly, 27k each. Funds can be tough as we are based in the SE where our rent is 900pcm! (this is cheap) but we get along fine and it’s cosy. DP’s parents live roughly a 15-minute drive away.
Relationship with DP’s parents has always been a bit rocky. I moved to DP’s town a year after university and soon we were living together. My family are living in the NE so around 4 hours away. DP’s parents are quite formal and conservative, and we have never gone any deeper than polite conversation. I see them twice a week and have never even sat in their living room the whole time I’ve been with DP, it’s always a very formal cup of tea at the table. I have invited DP’s mum out for shopping, afternoon tea before and she never replies to my texts/brushes it off in person so I’ve given up trying. DP said they are just quiet, fair enough but after 3 years?
My family aren’t scum by any means, Dad is a director of marketing and mum is a nurse, however I get the impression that DP’s parents feel we are from a lower class. DP’s dad has always earnt 100k plus a year and they’ve always had big house, three cars. I’m not really bothered by money but they do ask a lot of questions about my parents, their jobs, even now when they know everything.

Anyways, onto the main issue. I have been on the pill for 3 years- never any problem. I was recently (10 weeks ago) hospitalised with an infection and given Rifaximin via IV. I didn’t realise until I was out of hospital that this would have interacted with my pill- plus I didn’t take my pill the whole time I was in hospital due to just forgetting and sleeping and feeling genuinely awful. Fast forward, four days ago I found out I was pregnant. DP and I are both in shock but gradually coming round to the idea. We discussed all options and decided that we both would keep the baby.
DP went to tell his parents and they are furious- saying I trapped him, I’m irresponsible and that I’ve basically ruined their son’s life. They’ve requested that I don’t go round there for a while until they calm down and they aren’t sure of when that will be. They’ve mentioned money trapping and all sorts (very upsetting for me considering we earn the same, and have the same degree). DP has tried to defend me but they won’t have it. I think he wants to keep peace both sides.
I understand that they are upset and will calm down but I feel disgusted that money has been mentioned. Also being 4 hours from my own family, I sort of would’ve loved their support in this. DP’s mum is a mum of four , and I’d have loved her guidance and advice.

If you did want to be married, a registry office wedding is probably under £200. You could then have a bigger party at another time, when you can afford it.

Few couples on salaries like OP and her DP’s can afford to buy in London, even without childcare costs, which will be much more than their current rent of £900 month. They’d need to move further out and commute.

OP would be unwise to take the risk of going PT when unmarried.

If the OP and her DP want to get married because it's important to them, fine. Nobody should be saying it only needs to cost £200 to get married if it's to placate the parents.

Nobody should be saying it only needs to cost £200 to get married if it's to placate the parents

I don't think anyone is saying they should get married to placate the parents. I think people are saying they should get married before the OP goes part time to look after their child.

Yes, it’s about OP protecting herself financially.

Congratulations. You sound like with a roof over your head, a career underway you're in a great place to start a family. Babies never make financial sense but the rewards are something else.

I dont understand the middle ground your partner is treading. There is you, him and your now biological indisputable life time link of a child, then there is his parents. Where is the middle?

He needs to decide if he's a full part of family life or staying tied to his mum's apron strings.

Regarding childcare there are lots of things to explore. Could you each do 4 week days and work from home one weekend day or see if you can each do 5 days hours fitted into 4 so three days nursery and you still get the weekend. I too thought a baby would sleep most of the day whilst I pottered on with work from home some days.

My Husbands parents went mental when his ex genuinely trapped him into it when he was 22. And basically ruined it all for him. But they did come round to the kid. They still hate her and rightly so the poor guy has been through it with her and her bad decision.

Have you any idea just how horrible you sound?

And "they did come round to the kid" - WTF? This is a child. A living, breathing, thinking human being you are talking about.

No-one pulled a gun on your DH. He was just as responsible for using contraceptives as his ex (plus, does no-one worry about STDs these days?). The child's mother's life was probably even more adversely affected. Your DH wasn't in a vacuum - though there may be one between his ears.

the partner is sitting on the fence, weighing up his options before he decides which way to jump, he is calculating what's in HIS SOLE best interests...
personally I'd want the father of my child to be instinctively loyal to me and our baby

I've re-read the OP's posts and just realised that the DP's dad is on £100k+ in the SE. So, basically peanuts then, for that area. Yet they think the OP is beneath them? Deluded or what?

I've re-read the OP's posts and just realised that the DP's dad is on £100k+ in the SE. So, basically peanuts then, for that area. Yet they think the OP is beneath them? Deluded or what?

Hardly peanuts! But you're right the OP is not beneath them.

£100k+ in the SE. So, basically peanuts then, for that area

Where's the eye roll emoticon when you need it?
£100k+ is very much NOT peanuts. You know that people live in the SE and work as nurses, teachers, shop assistants, administrators and any number of other jobs that pay vastly less, right? Even my friends in professional jobs in London are only on half of that.

Congratulations to you both ! :)

Now WTF are your DP's parents thinking ???? That you were OK to live together for a while but that DP would find someone else when he was ready to settle down ??????

Seriously, they've made it quite clear they don't consider you 'good enough' or even 'permanent' in their sons life, so don't even bother trying. You'll juat get more of the same from them.

I'd have totally 'lost it' at being told '' They’ve requested that I don’t go round there for a while until they calm down and they aren’t sure of when that will be.'' Ermm..... take all the time you need love, cos I won't EVER be darkening your door unless I receive a grovelling apology !!!!

Do they actually realise that you didn't make this baby all alone ? Their son is as much to' blame' as you for this happening ?

Did DP's mum work at all, or did she just marry the money ? I'd really be interested to know exactly WHAT she thinks she has that makes her so much better than you ! (and also better than her son, cos you've got the same degree !)

Stick to getting support from your family, and leave your DP's family to him. He needs to have it out with them about how they've treated you in the past as well as how THEY intend to make amends so you can all move forward. This baby's gonna come a lot sooner than they think !

Get your DH to point out to them that upsetting the mother of their GC might well lead to her asking that they do not put in an appearance when the baby is born until you feel able to meet them, and that you will not be able to say how long, if aver, post birth that will be................

I'd suggest a quick and inexpensive register office marriage if you decide to cut your working hours at all. I'd also suggest that your DH tells them that you might well look to move north together to be close to a more supportive set of GPs.

Please can I reiterate what other posters have said - don't go part time unless you get married first. You could end up in a financially vulnerable position if you jeopardise your career while your DP continues his unchecked.

@MulticolourMophead I live in the south, if £100k+ is peanuts then I want peanuts dammit - please tell me how!!

We are definitely going to look into a small wedding for ourselves.

Well we ended up telling them early as I had rang my mum told her asking for advice and DP said it’s unfair that my family (mum) knew and his didn’t.

Yes, I live in SE and would like a “peanuts” £100k salary please!

Working a weekend day is not an option for the vast majority of people. Four days work each a week and paying for 3 days childcare could work, but even that no of days childcare will cost £1000+ month in London.

That does not bode well. HIs making it about their 'rights' rather than your needs.

You need a really, really big talk with him before you consider marrying. He has a massive decision to make - you or them. Don't marry him until you are convinced, by actions not words, that he has made that choice.

So he insisted you tell his parents so that you were being fair, yet he won't insist on them being fair to you? He's not great, is he...

"""Well we ended up telling them early as I had rang my mum told her asking for advice and DP said it’s unfair that my family (mum) knew and his didn’t."""
Does he even know his parents? He must be both blind and deaf to their behaviour towards you if he is standing up for their "rights" to that extent.... sorry but that rings so many alarm bells.
You were not allowed to ask your own mum for advice without him rushing to tell his parents, did he really have no advance idea of how they would take the news?
You don't have to be "fair" to everyone in the family for fear of offending them. You only have to think about your baby and yourself as a first priority. You had a difficult and unexpected personal decision to make about your future and he's more worried about his parent's rights to be in the know and have their say?

Is he worried about confronting them? They sound like the type to give him the cold shoulder if he doesn't do what they say. It might be that this is the first time there's been a real standoff and he is starting to see how unreasonable they are being.
They are a problem because of their utter nastyness but he is also a problem because his first instinct seem to be to rush to please them. I hope that you can get some real life person to discuss this with or relationship councilling I know that may sound extreme but you need to know if he is recognising this and is willing to back you or if he feels keeping his parents happy (keeping the peace) is more important. If he's not willing to change, this will prove a very difficult relationship. Sorry OP - wishing you all the best with your decisions and I hope your DP steps up to the plate xx

Most important thing is that you and your partner have the same opinion on this situation and deal with it in the same way.

Talk through all eventualities and how you and he would react. Eg if they get over it when the baby is born and become helpful grandparents, would you forgive them? If they want nothing more to do with you, would your partner cope? Would he stand up for you publically? Would he have your back if you told them how they made you feel?

Lots of people are behind their partners but when it comes to it, are not prepared to address the issue when it affects their family relationships and it is this which puts a strain on the relationship. Having a common enemy is easy, but parent/child relationships are a bit more complicated...

Sorry that your lovely news and decision has been met with such hostility

Sorry but I have to add. How dare they put a pregnant woman through all this stress and upset. No concern for the health of either mother or baby and you have recently come out of hospital too. What utter pigs.

I am telling you now OP this isn’t going to end well.

Children are difficult with lots of family support and lots of money; you have neither.

You're getting some good advice please put your needs first now as no one else will and don't be naive in thinking he's on your side because so far from what you've described he hasn't really had your back in all this. This is a big Red Flag. Take what you're feeling now and multiply it by a squillon because that's how much it will affect you once you have a baby in tow and they are all still playing nasty feckers.

If he's scared of challenging or confronting his parents' appalling treatment of you he's not going to be much use as a partner or father.

OP, you need to put yourself and the baby first and it sounds like that could mean planning to live near your family, possibly without him. (Then see what unfolds from there).

Make sure you know what the consequences of having his name on the birth certificate are and what your rights are. If you're not married, you have the choice not to name him, in which case he won't have parental rights. If you name him or, automatically if you're married, he gains a shed load of rights over the child.

Given how in thrall he is to his parents, just have a think about how that might play out. He (they, in effect though not by legal right) will have rights of access, input on schooling etc.

They sound just the types to insist on paying for the child to attend their choice of school, whether or not they've chosen to establish a good relationship up to that point. Your DP may find that - and other offers of money with strings firmly attached - hard to refuse.