Pregnant and DP's parents angry?

[notsurenotsure48]

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NC for this as pretty sure my username is recognisable. I am 26 and DP is 25. We have been together for three years, friends for years before that and we went to university together. We live in a 2 bed house and both have graduate job earning roughly, 27k each. Funds can be tough as we are based in the SE where our rent is 900pcm! (this is cheap) but we get along fine and it’s cosy. DP’s parents live roughly a 15-minute drive away.
Relationship with DP’s parents has always been a bit rocky. I moved to DP’s town a year after university and soon we were living together. My family are living in the NE so around 4 hours away. DP’s parents are quite formal and conservative, and we have never gone any deeper than polite conversation. I see them twice a week and have never even sat in their living room the whole time I’ve been with DP, it’s always a very formal cup of tea at the table. I have invited DP’s mum out for shopping, afternoon tea before and she never replies to my texts/brushes it off in person so I’ve given up trying. DP said they are just quiet, fair enough but after 3 years?
My family aren’t scum by any means, Dad is a director of marketing and mum is a nurse, however I get the impression that DP’s parents feel we are from a lower class. DP’s dad has always earnt 100k plus a year and they’ve always had big house, three cars. I’m not really bothered by money but they do ask a lot of questions about my parents, their jobs, even now when they know everything.

Anyways, onto the main issue. I have been on the pill for 3 years- never any problem. I was recently (10 weeks ago) hospitalised with an infection and given Rifaximin via IV. I didn’t realise until I was out of hospital that this would have interacted with my pill- plus I didn’t take my pill the whole time I was in hospital due to just forgetting and sleeping and feeling genuinely awful. Fast forward, four days ago I found out I was pregnant. DP and I are both in shock but gradually coming round to the idea. We discussed all options and decided that we both would keep the baby.
DP went to tell his parents and they are furious- saying I trapped him, I’m irresponsible and that I’ve basically ruined their son’s life. They’ve requested that I don’t go round there for a while until they calm down and they aren’t sure of when that will be. They’ve mentioned money trapping and all sorts (very upsetting for me considering we earn the same, and have the same degree). DP has tried to defend me but they won’t have it. I think he wants to keep peace both sides.
I understand that they are upset and will calm down but I feel disgusted that money has been mentioned. Also being 4 hours from my own family, I sort of would’ve loved their support in this. DP’s mum is a mum of four , and I’d have loved her guidance and advice.

They sound horrible and obviously think their family is better than yours. Sorry to say my pils are a bit like this. Do they think DPs precious upper middle class sperm was somehow taken against his will? They will probably get over themselves eventually, but whether you will want a relationship with them after this is up to you. Your DP has a role to play in telling them straight that they are out of order.

This is a key point in your relationship with your DP. He has to step up now and make it clear to his parents that they have been out of order, and he has to defend you as well as your joint decision to have this baby. After all, you didn't get pregnant on your own!

Your DP may want to keep the peace on both sides, but this isn't going to work. He has to make a choice. If he doesn't defend you then you need to think long and hard about whether or not he's really the man for you.

Sorry. But congratulations on your pregnancy.

For starters why do you see them twice a week?
They don't like you, they aren't nice to you why bother?
Have nothing more to do with them. Don't keep trying it will only disappoint.

They sound awful, and I'm your circumstances I simply wouldn't bother with them any longer, their loss after all.

However you will need to think, talk and agree with your dp how you move forward once the baby arrives. I'm not sure I'd want people, such as his parents, any involvement with the baby. But you need to ensure your dp is on board and will put you and your child first and before his parents. Too many threads on here are as a result of situations like this and the child of the parents not wanting to upset them and it causing issues at home.

Clearly they view you as not good enough and had hoped you were temporary.

The really important thing now, is how your partner responds. He has a lot of growing up to do, very fast. He needs to grow into his adult, autonomous self, able to make and stick by his own decisions, no matter how uncomfortable that might be.

He is either with you entirely, determined to be a good partner to you and father to the baby, or he isn't. Unfortunately, making that commitment will result in a lot of pain for him in having to distance himself, emotionally and probably physically to an extent, from his family.

He cannot 'keep the peace'. There is no middle ground.

He is either with you or against you. He is either with them or against them. That is the choice they have made. He does not have the power to amend their choice for them. It is a reality - but one that is external to him and to you as a couple and a family.

Congratulations to you both.

Sounds to me like you’re in a good place to have a child - 3 year relationship, both graduates, graduate job, mid 20s so neither old or young, I wish I’d had kids at that point in my life.

My MIL isn’t very involved but DH was already quite low contact with her before we had kids - she’s not a bad person, she’s just very self involved.

The only issue is your partner not wanting to take sides - he needs to be able to stand up to his parents when they are acting badly as they are now.

Originally the plan was to stay down here as the majority of jobs in our field are London based :(

Op, make it clear to your dp that his parents reaction, to what should be very happy news, is really quite disgraceful. It is important that he now makes it very clear to all sides that his priority is you. You need to be sure that he has your back, and this will be far easier now, than it will be when the baby arrives and you are tired and flooded with hormones.

You are now a family whether they like it or not.

I personally would stop all contact until they contact (and apologise to you) your dp should do the same. Radio silence. They asked for space, and now they should be given it.

In the meantime you and dp should celebrate with those that are happy for you, enjoy the excitement of your first child together, and ignore them. Do NOT let them ruin this time for you under any circumstances.

As and when they eventually come round to the idea, make it clear to them you are no longer prepared to take secondary status in their messed up dysfunctional family. They treat you with respect and with kindness or there will be no relationship at all, not with you and certainly not with their grandchild. The idea that you are somehow 'less' than them and not deserving of their son is atrocious.

Going forward no or low contact will be the best way forward.

Enjoy your baby, enjoy your family and don't give them an inch of power to upset things. Don't accept a penny from them or large gifts, you will never hear the end of it. Allow yourselves the space and time to include supportive and loving relationships. Your in laws have all the hallmarks of being very difficult in the future, I would look to move as well.

God . They’ve been horrid .

I feel sorry for you , but congratulations on the baby !

Keeping the peace is not an option and your DP needs to be on board with this.

They’ve declared war, he either sides with you or them. Vile people.

They arent only horrible, they are stupid as well. You were hospitalised, that's a pretty elaborate way to 'trap' someone, and someone that earns the same as you, you're not married to, and presumably would have to wait years and years for an inheritance! Its illogical so their emotions and hatred of you must be pretty strong to override any common sense.

I think the only thing you can do is see how your partner reacts. You've said 'DP has tried to defend me but they won't have it'. What has he actually done? If he is still speaking to them and trying and reason with them, I'd be very worried. Them 'not having it' shouldn't be an option. He should be raging with them and refusing to see them until you get an apology. How dare they treat his partner and mother of his child like that. Having a baby will put a massive strain on you as a couple and he needs to be 100pc on your side. You dont want to be sat at home all the time while hes taking the baby for visits to his parents because he wants to maintain a relationship with them and the baby while you're not welcome. Or have his parents backing him up in arguments between you etc.

Their reaction has been appalling, and it remains to be seen whether your DP will handle it well (doesn’t sound hopeful so far) but the parents’ behaviour is a side issue.

Key issues include: how you/DP will afford housing and full time childcare for your DC and share the parenting. You’re not married, so working full time after maternity leave is advisable.

Also suggest that you think through your personal options should you and DP break up in the future, as this is likely given your ages and that way more than half of cohabiting couples break up. For example, after the baby arrives he could seek to legally prevent you from moving to another part of the UK.

Why on earth do you visit them twice a week?

I wouldn't visit at all until I had an apology.

Congratulations on your amazing, if unexpected, news!

I think your in laws have really shown their true colours here. Not only have they been personally as offensive as they could be to you, they've revealed themselves to be gigantic social snobs as well. I feel genuinely angry on your behalf for the treatment they have given you.

Stop seeing them and wasting your valuable time/energy on them and consider a longer term plan that gets you back to nearer your family. Avoid seeing them and respond with a polite but highly boundaried attitude when you do run into them.

They won't change. Your DP needs to step up.

Congratulations

First, don't panic about lack of local family support. You'll figure out ways to make it all work. My family don't live in this country, but my mum and my sister came for a week each at the start to help out. My DH took the first week, one of them came for the second, DH took the third, one of them came for the 4th. That happened with both children and it was such a help. DH didn't feel like he was being smothered as he was at work most of time and I got the help I needed. I was a very nervous first-timer and I have less than 18 months between my two children so really needed the help with DC1 when DC2 arrived and I was establishing breast feeding and stuff. DMIL is very "D" but is elderly, lives over an hour away, doesn't drive and a week of her staying would send me doolally and would probably end my marriage. Then I joined every baby group going, and the NCT. So I've built a REALLY strong support network (and I am supportive of them too!). I know so many people in my town with kids my kids' ages.

Second, you need to get DP to step up, NOW. As others have said, this is a really important point in your relationshp, and in the relationship he has with his parents. He is his own man, with a job, a degree, a house and a life. They might not like his choices, but they need to live with them politely, or they can sod off.

This is going to be hard - the very best of luck to you both.

Luckily I can work from home two days away so it will just be nursery for three (that's the plan anyways after Mat Leave)

Why were they told so early? Often people wait til 12 weeks.
Is there any way you could get similar grad jobs closer to your parents? Then you could move away from the twats. Your boyfriend should be doing more to stick up for you really and hopefully hell stand up to his parents

I'd also add, I am normally a fan of keeping the peace and getting on with others that I dont like for the sake of family etc...however I dont agree with kids seeing it's ok for wider family to treat their mum like shit, and their dad being ok with that

Yes, stop seeing them and ask your DP to seek an apology. Also, your wish for kind, supportive in laws is unrealistic.

A sad situation. It sounds as though DP's parents have never 'approved' of you because of your background, and therefore are rather unpleasant characters or just snobs. Just make sure your DP understands that you are his number one priority and if that means NC or LC with his parents then so be it. Be very careful that he is not/does not become one of those weak DPs who seeks to pacify his parents at your expense. Perhaps in the longer term you would be better off moving with your DP to be nearer your own family. There is always a chance that DP's parents will come around when the GC arrives but it would be hard to forgive what they have said.

Just seen your last update. Its pretty impossible to work from home and look after a toddler...unless you can fit a days work into a 90min nap!

@AmIRightOrAMeringue we may have to rethink the plan then...I have the option to go back part time three days a week, this might be better. (:

Whilst you may be able to work from home, you won't be able to work with a baby there (sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick) - you'll still need childcare, wherever you work.

Why do you understand they are upset? They are barking. Its not understandable its fucking unforgiveable. What a pair of twats.

What @Loopytiles says - these people are not nice, they never were. Keep well away.