Pregnant and DP's parents angry?

[notsurenotsure48]

(I don't give permission for daily mail. newspapers, to use this information)

NC for this as pretty sure my username is recognisable. I am 26 and DP is 25. We have been together for three years, friends for years before that and we went to university together. We live in a 2 bed house and both have graduate job earning roughly, 27k each. Funds can be tough as we are based in the SE where our rent is 900pcm! (this is cheap) but we get along fine and it’s cosy. DP’s parents live roughly a 15-minute drive away.
Relationship with DP’s parents has always been a bit rocky. I moved to DP’s town a year after university and soon we were living together. My family are living in the NE so around 4 hours away. DP’s parents are quite formal and conservative, and we have never gone any deeper than polite conversation. I see them twice a week and have never even sat in their living room the whole time I’ve been with DP, it’s always a very formal cup of tea at the table. I have invited DP’s mum out for shopping, afternoon tea before and she never replies to my texts/brushes it off in person so I’ve given up trying. DP said they are just quiet, fair enough but after 3 years?
My family aren’t scum by any means, Dad is a director of marketing and mum is a nurse, however I get the impression that DP’s parents feel we are from a lower class. DP’s dad has always earnt 100k plus a year and they’ve always had big house, three cars. I’m not really bothered by money but they do ask a lot of questions about my parents, their jobs, even now when they know everything.

Anyways, onto the main issue. I have been on the pill for 3 years- never any problem. I was recently (10 weeks ago) hospitalised with an infection and given Rifaximin via IV. I didn’t realise until I was out of hospital that this would have interacted with my pill- plus I didn’t take my pill the whole time I was in hospital due to just forgetting and sleeping and feeling genuinely awful. Fast forward, four days ago I found out I was pregnant. DP and I are both in shock but gradually coming round to the idea. We discussed all options and decided that we both would keep the baby.
DP went to tell his parents and they are furious- saying I trapped him, I’m irresponsible and that I’ve basically ruined their son’s life. They’ve requested that I don’t go round there for a while until they calm down and they aren’t sure of when that will be. They’ve mentioned money trapping and all sorts (very upsetting for me considering we earn the same, and have the same degree). DP has tried to defend me but they won’t have it. I think he wants to keep peace both sides.
I understand that they are upset and will calm down but I feel disgusted that money has been mentioned. Also being 4 hours from my own family, I sort of would’ve loved their support in this. DP’s mum is a mum of four , and I’d have loved her guidance and advice.

Was this all relayed to you through your partner or said to you directly?

I only ask because my awful in laws (one of whom we are NC with and one of whom has died) used to say stuff like that to my DP knowing he would then have to go back and say it to me, which a) get like a betrayal by DP and b) gave me absolutely no opportunity to respond.

I suggest in future that your DP do what mine eventually did and tell them that he would not be passing on anything they said to him about me.

Anyway I don't know why they're upset. You're a 26 year old woman with a job. You are perfectly capable of taking care of a baby.

f were DPs parents I wouldn’t be happy either. (1) you aren’t married - not the be all end all but (2) you haven’t bought either

So only people who can afford to buy a house should have kids?? That rules out most people in low income jobs until at least past child bearing years and a good few in decent wages given house prices in places like the South. You sound just as much an unreasonable snob as the PUL's but also then why aren't thry angry at them both? Instead it's the dirty little tart rho trapped their precious boy to steal his inheritance.

If you'd merged finances and bought, I'd think differently sure dh with whom I have separate fiancé's and rent a property with will be touched to know he's a transient fixture of my life because of a few bits of missing paper

OP congratulations. Don't make any first moves here. Don't attempt contact, don't go down or contact them until there's an apology. Thry dint have to be happy, but thry should be polite. They can simply live without knowing anything about the baby

Oh please Skittle what's the point of that? What difference does it make now?

It doesn’t make any difference now but it just baffles me that people don’t think it through!

I think everyone’s said what needs to be said about your ILs!

You do need to think carefully about what you do when you have your baby, especially so early on your career. If you take on the majority of the child caring role, your DP’s career will carry on while yours will slow down. (It will do anyway if you take 12 months maternity). Could you both do 4 day weeks? It may not be an issue for you, but please think about this now especially as you’re not married.

Also if money is tight already, start planning for your mat leave now! SMP is not much to live on especially in the SE!

Good luck!

If I could wind the clock back I would have moved to be near my in laws, who are lovely people.

Instead I stayed near my parents and have subjected myself and dh to 17 years of their crappy behaviour.

Move!! Grab a few belongings and run for your lives!!!!!

That's a corker of a post there @billy1966 - if this was your daughter you'd advise an abortion? Fucking hell. On the one hand I didn't want to give your post any credence by commenting on it, but on the other hand, wow. You really do own those views. I hope the OP is mature too, mature enough to ignore you (are you mates with Mr and Mrs Dickhead-in-laws by any chance)

baffles me that people don’t think it through! because not everyone is willing to abort an unplanned pregnancy conceived within a stable and loving relationship because it doesn't fit the stereotypical "perfect" and because lots of people will never get on the property ladder but still have a right to a family, dven if they aren't good enough for you

@SleepingStandingUp - dont be selective - read my whole post, theres a good chap. I find the whole picture is better.

You sound just as much an unreasonable snob as the PUL's but also then why aren't thry angry at them both? Where as if you have the abiilty to keep reading you'd see I said And, lastly why is your DP letting you take the wrap for this? Did you fall and land on his erect penis? No, of course you didn’t, you're equally responsible, and TBH, two university educated people should know that other drugs interfere with contraceptives and taken better precautions But that does suit your chip on should agenda does it ?

@notsurenotsure48 But right now, the cost of a wedding/house deposit is just no feasible.

75 quid, registry office, sorted.

Is your dp still going round there?

Is he planning to take your baby.? And toddler to the vile, rude parents who detest you. Openly. Will you be ok with that?

If my partner's parents made those comments about me to him he would be out the door indefinitely. Your Partner cannot ' keep the peace' in light of their behaviour. It's a red flag that he's considering it.

It doesn’t make any difference now but it just baffles me that people don’t think it through! I would guess that many women in OPs circumstance wouldn't have known about any interaction between meds, or that they would miss a couple of pills through being asleep, ill, knackered. It just seems, at best, poe faced to post as you did, almost blaming OP... which is pretty much what her DPs parents are doing!

It baffles me that people feel the need to post like that! Unless of course they happen to have a Tardis in a back pocket...

They are certainly behaving very badly here ,but I wonder if as they are quite a conservative pair ,they maybe feel worried baby is being born out of wedlock?.They may or may not "come round", and I would think any GM who didnt want to see her first GC would be frankly not worth bothering about.However your DP is still quite young and it would be difficult for him to sever all ties I think .Its difficult because you do not want any stress while pregnant ,.Can you go to see your family for a few days at all .See your friends ,and hopefully they will get used to the idea.I think these sort of people who are too blinkered to see how happy their son is ,and with a little one on the way are just denying themselves in the end .Money is just a part of life and its awful to think they would use this as a tool against you .You are equally well qualified but even if you were not this is no excuse for this kind of behaviour at all!

I've only just remembered this, because her opinion was so unimportant to me - when I got pregnant with my first child my MiL told my H "she's REALLY trapped you now!!"

I was 38, H was 43, we'd been married THIRTEEN YEARS and had owned a substantial house for 8 years. He was a civil servant and I was head of my department.

Just goes to show, having all those things doesnt make a jot of difference. If your In laws are dicks, they always will be.

I'd move back up north if I were you, sod them

(I feel bad I only just remembered that!)

I’m not excusing their unkind behaviour at all, but they are still a bit in shock at the moment. Their comments to leave it a little while while they get used to idea are actually quite sensible.

It is always hard being the trailblazer relationship and doing everything first with in-laws like this, it rocks the family dynamic and they have to get used to the idea that things are changing (said from experience). Subsequent siblings have it a lot easier. Don’t write them off just yet, you may all find a way to rub along together at the very least. Do have clear calm boundaries together with your DP though as to what is acceptable. ( Also spoken from experience! 😄)

Good luck.

Why has your partner never addresses any of these ongoing issues? His parents clearly dislike you but it’s been allowed to fester. Your partner needs to decide who’s side he is on.

My dp would have to understand my rules - I’m not visiting, they aren’t welcome in our home and frankly i have no plans for them to meet our baby at the moment, and he may not get an opportunity to take baby around on his own for the first few months at least . I would ask him not to provide health and progress updates on you or baby because people who want you out of their lives and your baby not to exist don’t get health updates. He needs to be on board with this.
The other thing I would do though is invite his siblings around and try and build relationships there.

If you have been told not to go round, OP, I very much hope that your DP is not going round either. You are a unit, whether they like it or not, reject one = reject both. And grandchild when (s)he comes along.

I absolutely agree 100% with this. If he continues as if nothing has happened, just without you present, there's no incentive for them to actually act like decent human beings towards you. They still see their son, which is exactly what they want.

You need to be a team when it comes to shit like this. You sound really lovely OP, don't let this spoil your happy, if unexpected, news.

I don't understand a lot of your behaviour from both of you. Seeing his parents twice a week when they don't like you but not going when they are being told about the pregnancy , not taking your pill for the whole time you were in hospital then having sex..and being shocked you are pregnant, telling his family three days after you found out, it seems all a bit immature.

Bottom line is don't interact further, but try to be more adult with your behaviours.

My family disapproved of my husband but eventually accepted him. (He was working class/orphan and I’m from upper middle class)

Your family are vile people. Your husband really should have told them to bugger off when they 'eventually accepted him'.

Felicitations on your pregnancy. :) I think you can work from home with a baby. They pretty much just feed, sleep, and poop. Pop the baby in a sling and crack on with the day. Wait till they are a toddler before you go part-time. x

Skittle - maybe the OP had other things on her mind like being ill and in hospital?

OP. I’m surprised, to be honest, that you have been going to his parents to visit twice a week for starters. And to maintain this frequency when they clearly don’t like you and don’t treat you kindly does rather baffle me. I would have stopped going except for the odd visit long ago, as soon as I’d got the measure of them.

It worries me a little because I wonder how the relationship will work going forward and whether your OH is going to reassess things with his parents? He has to stand up for you. And as for the, asking you to stay away as they are upset? Are they eight year olds? They’re behaving like it!

I think you need to redraw some boundaries pdq. And make sure you and your OH are on the same page right from the start.

Hope you are feeling better and that the pregnancy is going well.

Hi OP

Congratulations on the little one

My parents are like your DP's parents when it comes to my brother and his wife. His wife's family was on benefits and my dad always had a high paying job (£100k+ p.a.), big house, lots of cars. My mum constantly calls her a gold digger behind her back and thinks she plotted her relationship with my brother. My parents do help them on their monthly bills (she chooses not to work even though they have no children) so I can see it from both sides. Her reason is headaches, but this is questioned by my family because she can babysit and commute long distances for free for her family. I don't know, so I don't judge.

A big part of this I will say is misogyny. The insults are generational. My mum was also insulted by my dad's family as being money seeking when they got married. People seem to do this over and over again. I don't think we have broken free from sexism when women are constantly regarded as gold diggers.

Anyways, my only advise is to take it easy. I'm sure my family would talk shit if my brother's wife got pregnant, but they would also be quietly really excited but just feeling like they will have to bare the burden financially of a grandchild who doesn't have enough. Your in laws might feel that your joint incomes (and especially if you stop working, which is likely) will be far too low to sustain yourselves and they will have to step in. At this point I think the most mature thing is to figure out a way for the two of you to head up north. Your partner should be applying for jobs up north, because your incomes will not be able to sustain you down south.

Ignore your DP's parents. It's not your problem and there's nothing you can do to change it (remember it's rooted in generational sexism). I hope things come around for you soon.