Pregnant and DP's parents angry?

[notsurenotsure48]

(I don't give permission for daily mail. newspapers, to use this information)

NC for this as pretty sure my username is recognisable. I am 26 and DP is 25. We have been together for three years, friends for years before that and we went to university together. We live in a 2 bed house and both have graduate job earning roughly, 27k each. Funds can be tough as we are based in the SE where our rent is 900pcm! (this is cheap) but we get along fine and it’s cosy. DP’s parents live roughly a 15-minute drive away.
Relationship with DP’s parents has always been a bit rocky. I moved to DP’s town a year after university and soon we were living together. My family are living in the NE so around 4 hours away. DP’s parents are quite formal and conservative, and we have never gone any deeper than polite conversation. I see them twice a week and have never even sat in their living room the whole time I’ve been with DP, it’s always a very formal cup of tea at the table. I have invited DP’s mum out for shopping, afternoon tea before and she never replies to my texts/brushes it off in person so I’ve given up trying. DP said they are just quiet, fair enough but after 3 years?
My family aren’t scum by any means, Dad is a director of marketing and mum is a nurse, however I get the impression that DP’s parents feel we are from a lower class. DP’s dad has always earnt 100k plus a year and they’ve always had big house, three cars. I’m not really bothered by money but they do ask a lot of questions about my parents, their jobs, even now when they know everything.

Anyways, onto the main issue. I have been on the pill for 3 years- never any problem. I was recently (10 weeks ago) hospitalised with an infection and given Rifaximin via IV. I didn’t realise until I was out of hospital that this would have interacted with my pill- plus I didn’t take my pill the whole time I was in hospital due to just forgetting and sleeping and feeling genuinely awful. Fast forward, four days ago I found out I was pregnant. DP and I are both in shock but gradually coming round to the idea. We discussed all options and decided that we both would keep the baby.
DP went to tell his parents and they are furious- saying I trapped him, I’m irresponsible and that I’ve basically ruined their son’s life. They’ve requested that I don’t go round there for a while until they calm down and they aren’t sure of when that will be. They’ve mentioned money trapping and all sorts (very upsetting for me considering we earn the same, and have the same degree). DP has tried to defend me but they won’t have it. I think he wants to keep peace both sides.
I understand that they are upset and will calm down but I feel disgusted that money has been mentioned. Also being 4 hours from my own family, I sort of would’ve loved their support in this. DP’s mum is a mum of four , and I’d have loved her guidance and advice.

@notsurenotsure48 - plenty of time to think through your plans about working from home etc., and that's hardly relevant to your in-laws being a pair of dicks.

Maybe have re-think about jobs near your parents, might it be feasible? Then your living costs would be reduced and your DP wouldn't have so much pressure from Ma and Pa Dick. Is he an only child or are there siblings whose partners are getting the same treatment?

"They’ve requested that I don’t go round there for a while until they calm down and they aren’t sure of when that will be."

I have to say this is utterly rude, vile, and obnoxious - not to mention completely selfish. You're being made to feel like a pariah by their out-of-control snobbery. They sound like completely appalling human beings,

Move home to your parents for support ,he’s not backing you ,it will only get worse.
If you split up when you have had baby a court can stop you moving away with the child .id move up north personally and leave dp

You and your DP need to crack on with what's best for you two and please NEVER, EVER take money for any reason from these people. It won't be worth it I promise you.

PugUnicorn has given EXCELLENT advice here!

If you take so much as a penny, either of you, they will OWN you - it's pretty obvious that this is the sort of people they are.

Be prepared for them either trying to take over your baby, or for treating her/him as though they don't exist. They will not have a middle ground.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. You and your DP sound a strong couple - if you pull together you can make everything work, though it won't be easy financially. Just tighten your belts and do without a few luxuries for a while. Your lovely baby will be worth it.

@DishingOutDone

younger siblings of 20, 18, 16- none of them have had partners yet

(I don't give permission for daily mail. newspapers, to use this information)

Of course it doesn't stop them, but with a statement like that on the thread, if the papers did run it, and anyone who read it followed it back to MN, hopefully at least a few of those people might realise the depths the Mail etc will go to and start to question themselves and the press. (I'm not optimistic about it, but there's a chance.)

Anyhoo… OP your DP can't keep the peace on this one without hurting you. He's going to have to choose, and you need to spell that out to him. He can still go and visit them on his own if he wants to, but if they start calling you he either walks out or stands up for you. He doesn't let it go, because they'll take silence for agreement.

You will struggle to work from home with a little one, OP. They are unreasonable, demanding creatures who take your full attention! But that's not really the pressing issue, I know. Has your DP read his parents the riot act? I had a planned pregnancy out of wedlock with DH (we got married later) and my Grandma saw it as shameful. My family leapt to my defence (I've never seen anything like it from them!) and put her straight about times changing and what was actually important. She apologised and we mended the relationship. I feel like your DP needs to be equally demonstrative - this is a time to nail his colours to the flag, not to keep the peace. His parents have behaved appallingly.

I agree with other pps - they need to come to you, not the other way around. They've been horribly offensive. Stop contact until they make an effort - if they don't it's their loss. Have you thought about what will happen if your DP doesn't step up?

Good luck with your pregnancy x

Congratulations OP

Get yourself a copy of the book Toxic Inlaws.

If you have been told not to go round, OP, I very much hope that your DP is not going round either. You are a unit, whether they like it or not, reject one = reject both. And grandchild when (s)he comes along.

Time for your DP to man up and put them straight. If he can't take the side of your relationship now, this won't end well. When we got home from our honeymoon, my ILs waited up for us and told DH they wanted nothing to do with me. He told them I was his wife, he had chosen to spend his life with me, and if they rejected me, they rejected him. Your partner needs to do something similar.

Op you need to consider the following:

1. Do you have some guaranteed support that does not include your dp's parents?
2. Is it possible for your mother or parents to stay with you for long periods or do they have ft jobs themselves or other commitments?
3. Do you have siblings or support in other forms that can help?
4. Can you work in NE? Are there jobs closer to your family you could take if you wanted to?
5. Once you have had a baby you will be stuck there for a while at least, it is very hard to move immediately with a new born baby (not impossible) but harder due to exhaustion, money restraints, time and other factors. Getting the right house, support and jobs are really key to a good start for all of you.
6. Who do you have that can support you if you are ill/out of action/struggling where you are living now?

Yes the job situation may be better closer to London, but you will find it very helpful to have support in the early days.

Just echoing those who say you won't be able to WFH while looking after a child. I WFH all the time (for myself) and I need childcare.

As one who has been effectively in your dp's position, but to a more extreme degree still than this sounds, I can tell you lottiegarbanzo's post is spot on. The two outcomes here are they pull themselves together or your dp makes his position clear. This isn't in your hands. You can't 'win them round'. They have made that clear already (and I don't think it's necessarily wrong of your quasi-MIL not to want an afternoon-tea type mother/daughterly relationship, but the rest is appalling. Basic warmth towards you isn not too much to ask). Whart is in your hands is protecting yourself and your baby, and hopefully your dp can rise to this too, but if he doesn't, it is not your role and not your job to tear yourself apart trying to please all sides.

Ok; their loss. 🤷‍♀️

I presume this is their first grandchild? What a silly pair they are!

Op, you and DH are adults now and you do not need either their permission or approval. It was years before I learned this, btw, and it was so liberating when I did.
Life is too short to waste on trying to appease them.

Oh, and if you’ve no family support, do check out childminders as well as nurseries for childcare.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Your DP's parents are vile and I'm angry for you. You appear to be very calm & forgiving(?) about their behaviour. You're a much better woman than me. Please don't become a doormat and let them back into your life.

I agree with the good advice given by previous posters. Take care and good luck xxx

Really think seriously about moving closer to your family over the coming months before the baby arrives. Their emotional and practical support will be invaluable to you.

I had my eldest at a similar age to you are now, moving back close to my family was absolutely the best decision for me.

I'd be worried your partner won't be prepared to stand up to his parents and they'll try and bully you regarding their contact with the baby. You could feel quite isolated.

Having a child at your age is perfect in my view and experience, I bounced back so much quicker after the birth and had more energy with my eldest than with my other DCs (still when I was in my 30s but I noticed the difference!)

I would retain your financial independence and try and return to work full time after maternity leave.

Well then it looks like they won't be having a relationship with their grandchild.

OP you do need to be careful, you need to be confident that your DP is fully willing to support you against the wishes of his parents and won't be subject to manipulation, this isn't always an easy thing to do. Especially as you aren't married if you were to become primary caregiver at the expense of your career, if they were to turn him against you you could end up in a really shite situation. Just something to bear in mind.

she never replies to my texts/brushes it off in person so I’ve given up trying

At that point what did your partner do or say to his family OP? Did he let them know that they were rude and dismissive of the person he was sharing his life with, the person he loves?

Sadly I agree with @Poochandmutt the writing is on the wall unless your DP steps up in a major way.

By taking the position that he wants to keep the peace on both sides what he means is that he won't get involved and will allow his parents to be rude and dismissive to you, so passively he has chosen a side, he has decided to not defend you and your baby. Has he continued to have contact with his parents after this outburst, if he has that tells you everything you need to know.

Congratulations Op and good luck with everything. You don’t need to think about what you will do after mag leave yet that’s a long way off. In regards to In laws, how disappointing that this was their reaction- why did your DP tell you? Or did they say it to your face? Be wary of them, they probably will come round but when they do I bet they will be very controlling and wants millions of input into everything you do, I’d say if you can move closer to family support, sooner rather than later, having a baby with little to no support is so very hard.

I'm surprised that it didn't occur to either of you that there might be an interaction between your pill & antibiotic-I thought that the possibility of that had been pretty common knowledge for years tbh.

That said, your partners parents-omg.

What arrogant, controlling nightmares.

I hope that your partner isn't hoping to subject your child to them.

I hope the outpouring of support and pretty much unequivocal advice you have had so far OP will leave you in no doubt what your DP needs to do now, that they are indeed dickheads and that you might want to consider being nearer your family as a result. You need to enjoy your pregnancy, you are in a good place you are young, you have jobs, you have options. Its going to be great - to congratulate you.

Hi OP,
Congratulations on your pregnancy.

You are a great age to have a baby and you and your partner are in a committed relationship and settled in your home and jobs.

When your husband sees his parents he could tell them that you have no problem staying away but you/him and the baby will be a family and if they want to see the baby it's "come one come all". If they don't make you welcome then they shouldn't expect to see their grandchild.

I don't think you realise the power you now have - and it is one of the things that has probably made them hopping mad. What mum says goes with a new baby. When the baby arrives and it is exciting and beautiful and emotional if they down toe the line with you they will be shut out. Watch them change their tune when this starts to dawn on them.

Stay in touch with your husband's siblings independently and let them be involved and excited about becoming aunties and uncles. Don't let her suck the joy out of this for all of you.

(I don't give permission for daily mail. newspapers, to use this information)

🙄

(I don’t give permission for anyone to use that response either)

If were DPs parents I wouldn’t be happy either.

(1) you aren’t married - not the be all end all but
(2) you haven’t bought either

Whilst this seems irrelevant and not what all people aspire to, how can I put this, transient? If you'd merged finances and bought, I'd think differently and assume this was an intended life partnership

Actually your DH should have avoided the 'accidental pregnancy' scenario and just said 'we're very happy' and not been drawn further, that was no accusations could have been levelled. .

DP went to tell his parents and they are furious- saying I trapped him, I’m irresponsible and that I’ve basically ruined their son’s life.

And, lastly why is your DP letting you take the wrap for this? Did you fall and land on his erect penis? No, of course you didn’t, you're equally responsible, and TBH, two university educated people should know that other drugs interfere with contraceptives and taken better precautions.