Pregnant and DP's parents angry?

[notsurenotsure48]

(I don't give permission for daily mail. newspapers, to use this information)

NC for this as pretty sure my username is recognisable. I am 26 and DP is 25. We have been together for three years, friends for years before that and we went to university together. We live in a 2 bed house and both have graduate job earning roughly, 27k each. Funds can be tough as we are based in the SE where our rent is 900pcm! (this is cheap) but we get along fine and it’s cosy. DP’s parents live roughly a 15-minute drive away.
Relationship with DP’s parents has always been a bit rocky. I moved to DP’s town a year after university and soon we were living together. My family are living in the NE so around 4 hours away. DP’s parents are quite formal and conservative, and we have never gone any deeper than polite conversation. I see them twice a week and have never even sat in their living room the whole time I’ve been with DP, it’s always a very formal cup of tea at the table. I have invited DP’s mum out for shopping, afternoon tea before and she never replies to my texts/brushes it off in person so I’ve given up trying. DP said they are just quiet, fair enough but after 3 years?
My family aren’t scum by any means, Dad is a director of marketing and mum is a nurse, however I get the impression that DP’s parents feel we are from a lower class. DP’s dad has always earnt 100k plus a year and they’ve always had big house, three cars. I’m not really bothered by money but they do ask a lot of questions about my parents, their jobs, even now when they know everything.

Anyways, onto the main issue. I have been on the pill for 3 years- never any problem. I was recently (10 weeks ago) hospitalised with an infection and given Rifaximin via IV. I didn’t realise until I was out of hospital that this would have interacted with my pill- plus I didn’t take my pill the whole time I was in hospital due to just forgetting and sleeping and feeling genuinely awful. Fast forward, four days ago I found out I was pregnant. DP and I are both in shock but gradually coming round to the idea. We discussed all options and decided that we both would keep the baby.
DP went to tell his parents and they are furious- saying I trapped him, I’m irresponsible and that I’ve basically ruined their son’s life. They’ve requested that I don’t go round there for a while until they calm down and they aren’t sure of when that will be. They’ve mentioned money trapping and all sorts (very upsetting for me considering we earn the same, and have the same degree). DP has tried to defend me but they won’t have it. I think he wants to keep peace both sides.
I understand that they are upset and will calm down but I feel disgusted that money has been mentioned. Also being 4 hours from my own family, I sort of would’ve loved their support in this. DP’s mum is a mum of four , and I’d have loved her guidance and advice.

I have no advice except maybe consider moving back up north to be nearer parents and support . You're the evil man trapper anyway, may as well go whole hog!

Congratulations!

Don't worry about the DM. It's not exactly newsworthy is it, OP? How many girls get pregnant without the approval of their ILs? Loads!

These aren't nice people though, are they? Money is the be all and end all for some people. How are your own dp's taking the news?

Congratulations, look at the positives, you've been together for 3 years, you've both graduated and have jobs, you have a rented home you can afford. At mid 20's you're a good age to start a family, better than those who have waited and then are unable to have a baby.

At the moment I would tell dp that while the baby wasn't planned you are very excited and pleased about it so you would prefer not to see his dps for a while. Marriage needn't be a big expense, have a simple ceremony from your family home with a party or small celebration after.

Just to put an alternative POV. I wouldn't have a relationship with anyone who told me i couldn't see my parents, however difficult they may be.

Kill with kindness is sometimes more effective

I don’t understand why you have been going round twice a week either. You owe them nothing although they would clearly disagree.

Personally I’d be telling DP that they’re not welcome regarding anything to do with you or their grandchild, and making sure he knows that ‘keeping the peace’ is not good enough. They can’t even be civil, they deserve to be told that until they apologise they don’t get the privilege of being in their son and grandchild’s life. Yes it’ll be hard for DP to stand up to them but if he doesn’t now, he won’t ever.

OP- you don’t need a wedding or house deposit to get married. It’s only a few hundred quid at most. If something happened to you or your partner, the surviving spouse and children would get bereavement benefit. Can’t get that if not married. Also, can get tax break if one partner not working or working very little with married couple allowance. Also no inheritance tax if spouse dies and you inherit. If you’re not married, DHs parents are his next of kin for hospital stuff- not you.

They're horrible people, treating you as if you've committed a crime, I would be making careful notes of all their behaviour during this and I would keep it in mind during my future interactions with them, I would feel perfectly free to treat them with the disdain with which they treated me.

All the best to you OP😊

they have showed you that they are not people who are accepting and kind towards you, they are hostile and treating you with suspicion.
In view of this it makes sense to treat them as people who are harmful, I would keep them in quarantine for a while so that they can't contaminate you and going forward limit your exposure to them for your own protection

DP has tried to defend me but they won’t have it. I think he wants to keep peace both sides.

Unfortunately this is a situation when he shouldn't try to keep everyone happy. He takes his side. He either believes what his parents are saying and you have trapped him or he actually stands up for you, himself, your relationship and his child to be 100%.

If his parents don't want to see you, then they don't see him either until they have apologised for being totally unreasonable.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I realise I’m missing the point here but I think you must have been treated with a different drug as with that particular antibiotic it isn’t given via iv and it doesn’t interact with the pill.

I think people on here are very negative about you not having local family. I didn't when I had my children, I soon made friends though which is great. Our closest family my in-laws about an hour away don't really show much interest in their only grandchildren. Some years we've seen my Dad and his wife more often and they live 4 hours away. They also have more grandchildren to.

You can do this without support from your in-laws, the only advice I would give is that as a women being married is a sensible move and it doesn't have to cost a lot.

I can tell you right now no matter how many children she has, you wouldn't have loved her guidance and advice.

OP I lived 400 miles away from my family when I had DS (still do). I made friends very quickly through baby groups etc and you will too so don't let that worry you. You can do it without the support of your in laws. It's certainly easier if you have a good relationship with them, but certainly doable if not.

I see them twice a week and have never even sat in their living room the whole time I’ve been with DP, it’s always a very formal cup of tea at the table

You are not even married to their son but you see them twice a week? Why are these people in your life at all? Even as a married couple I wouldn't expect to spend anything like that much time with in-laws, and that's if we got on with each other.

DP said they are just quiet, fair enough but after 3 years? ... I'm the least confrontational person ever.

Well no, your DP is even less confrontational than you are. To the point where he's barely a partner to you. He doesn't have your back, does he?

Originally the plan was to stay down here as the majority of jobs in our field are London based

Well stay down here, London is huge, you don't need to live 15 minutes from his awful parents.

DP has tried to defend me but they won’t have it.

Most men would have walked out and left them to it, until they apologised to you.

I think he wants to keep peace both sides.

He can't. And if he is not on your side, well, do you really want him?

DP’s mum is a mum of four , and I’d have loved her guidance and advice.

Really? What kind of "guidance" or "advice" could you expect from a woman who behaves the way she does? If you stay with him, then at best he cuts off from them and you are without in-laws. And bad as that is, it's probably the best that can happen. At worst you will have these awful people in you life, despising you and resenting you, forever.

I suspect your DP thinks he can avoid conflict with his parents by not marrying you. He needs to get real and the two of you either need to make your commitment clear by getting married (regardless of his parents approval) or split up. With a baby on the way it sounds like marriage. Either way your DH needs to grow up and cut the apron strings.

Whoopie doo! the good old English class system!!

It might be my odd sense of humour and ways of looking at the world but they I'm sure would intrest a few psychological reaseachers.

Sorry but I dont think I'd take them at all seriously, they sound the basis of a TV comedy prog;)

I mean this;

I see them twice a week and have never even sat in their living room the whole time I’ve been with DP, it’s always a very formal cup of tea at the table

You couldnt almost make that up could you???

That sounds as if its from a 19 cent Jane Austin book of words!

They are really just a joke, sad that they a will miss out on the grand daugher or son! If you were my daughter in law i'd be welcoming this news with open arms and put the lads name down for Eaton;! well maybe not, but what a miserable bunch they are.

Comiserations for you and cheers for you for a Babe on the way:)

They obviously don't like you for whatever reason. Stop trying to get their approval - you won't ever attain it.

Personally, I would buy a 2 bed place - flat or a house, just to get on the property ladder, preferably far away from them. You definitely don't NEED to buy a £400K 3 bed as a FTB. The SE is a large area - there are plenty of affordable places to commute into London. There are loads of 2 bed properties that aren't a dump for £200K in the Thames Valley corridor!

No need for a big wedding - have a small one and head to the pub afterwards.

You need to clarify with your partner, while this is still fresh, that you will make no further effort with his parents, you will not have any future relationship with his parents, and that you will not allow them access to your baby as you won’t risk them attempting parental alienation.
He is free to have whatever relationship he wants with them, however if we wants people who regard the child’s mother as a gold digger who entrapped him, then it is better you both part company now.
This child will be half you and half him genetically, therefore half scrounging, untermensch scum like you, so there is no way his parents should want or have a relationship. It is storing up trouble for the future.

Congratulations on your baby news!

Having a baby and being a working mum is going to be a doddle compared to having these toxic PILs in your life. I would move away from these morons as is physically possible.
You are on a hiding to nothing with either of them so you and DP need to make a life for yourselves without them in it.
The stress that these type of people put on a relationship is immense and your DP is going to struggle with it all. I hope he is emotionally strong enough to stand up to them no matter what threats they make!
Good Luck OP

Congratulations OP I hope you have a smooth pregnancy . You sound intelligent and sensible and I’m sure you recognise the way ahead will not be easy. Stick to your plans, get the work experience you need and move north as soon as is practicable. Meanwhile ignore your DPs parents’ existence.
If you feel the need to see them do it in your time fraaa I not theirs.
Good luck

They’ve requested that I don’t go round there for a while until they calm down and they aren’t sure of when that will be

Well whenever it is, you won't have calmed down, will you? You do realise this is the end of your relationship with them.... you need to really think if this is the life you want.

PS if you do have an inclination to get married do so very cheaply with just the two of you and a couple of best friends and have a celebratory party when you can afford it.

They sound awful and I agree with all PP who say your Dp needs to step up here.

On a slightly different note, I know a number of people who lived/worked in London but had family up north. A compromise was to move to North London or just outside north london. Didn't help with day to day childcare, but meant that they could see their families more, parents could come down during holidays etc. And often property was more affordable. Downside of course is that commuting time went up but if possible to work from home one or two days a week, that becomes manageable too.

You should stop being so understanding and take your blinkers off. These are deeply unpleasant, rude people. My family was very middle class (boarding schools etc) my mum can be a little bit of a snob in some ways, however my parents would never behave like that because they are not cunts.
My DH was born and brought up on a notorious local council estate, left school at 16, retains a local accent, and is now successful. My mum thinks he’s amazing. She liked him from the start because she’s intelligent and not a bitch.
If my parents had treated DH as they treat you, I’d be on very low contact with them, if any, and DH would have none. We don’t have children together but if we did, there is no way my parents would be seeing them in those circumstances.

DP has tried to defend me but they won’t have it.

This needs to change over to this:

ILs have tried to slag me off but DP won’t have it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

75 quid, registry office, sorted.

I'm in agreement with this (if you both do want to get married, obviously).

It would show his parents that he doesn't regard you or your baby as "disposable", and that they had better get used to your relationship.

You can always have a renewal of vows later on when you do have some spare cash and make a big celebration of that.