Pregnant and DP's parents angry?

[notsurenotsure48]

(I don't give permission for daily mail. newspapers, to use this information)

NC for this as pretty sure my username is recognisable. I am 26 and DP is 25. We have been together for three years, friends for years before that and we went to university together. We live in a 2 bed house and both have graduate job earning roughly, 27k each. Funds can be tough as we are based in the SE where our rent is 900pcm! (this is cheap) but we get along fine and it’s cosy. DP’s parents live roughly a 15-minute drive away.
Relationship with DP’s parents has always been a bit rocky. I moved to DP’s town a year after university and soon we were living together. My family are living in the NE so around 4 hours away. DP’s parents are quite formal and conservative, and we have never gone any deeper than polite conversation. I see them twice a week and have never even sat in their living room the whole time I’ve been with DP, it’s always a very formal cup of tea at the table. I have invited DP’s mum out for shopping, afternoon tea before and she never replies to my texts/brushes it off in person so I’ve given up trying. DP said they are just quiet, fair enough but after 3 years?
My family aren’t scum by any means, Dad is a director of marketing and mum is a nurse, however I get the impression that DP’s parents feel we are from a lower class. DP’s dad has always earnt 100k plus a year and they’ve always had big house, three cars. I’m not really bothered by money but they do ask a lot of questions about my parents, their jobs, even now when they know everything.

Anyways, onto the main issue. I have been on the pill for 3 years- never any problem. I was recently (10 weeks ago) hospitalised with an infection and given Rifaximin via IV. I didn’t realise until I was out of hospital that this would have interacted with my pill- plus I didn’t take my pill the whole time I was in hospital due to just forgetting and sleeping and feeling genuinely awful. Fast forward, four days ago I found out I was pregnant. DP and I are both in shock but gradually coming round to the idea. We discussed all options and decided that we both would keep the baby.
DP went to tell his parents and they are furious- saying I trapped him, I’m irresponsible and that I’ve basically ruined their son’s life. They’ve requested that I don’t go round there for a while until they calm down and they aren’t sure of when that will be. They’ve mentioned money trapping and all sorts (very upsetting for me considering we earn the same, and have the same degree). DP has tried to defend me but they won’t have it. I think he wants to keep peace both sides.
I understand that they are upset and will calm down but I feel disgusted that money has been mentioned. Also being 4 hours from my own family, I sort of would’ve loved their support in this. DP’s mum is a mum of four , and I’d have loved her guidance and advice.

This is really tricky but I've witnessed this with my inlaws, and in many other families around me.
Likelihood is, this will never change.
Stop looking for their approval, you'll never get it.
Flip the script. Make them look for your approval after years of mistreatment.
Stop going to theirs for cups of tea.
Stop contact all together.
Your DP can see them but don't make yourself spend time with people who make you feel like this.
You are not of a lower class. We are all equal human beings on this planet and people who think they are above you can sod off.

Say to your DP, I appreciate you wanting to keep the peace all these years but frankly your parents treat me poorly and I won't put up with it any longer.

It'll go one of two ways when kids come along.

Doting grandparents- fingers crossed.

Or More likely by the sounds of it... 'do things this way' 'oh you must send them to private school' etc etc

Take a stand. x

If everyone waited until they’d bought a house, particularly in the south east, we’d die out as a species. Don’t be a knob.

How is your DP being? Is he sticking up for you and telling them they’re wrong?

If he’s not, think very carefully about having a baby with a man who doesn’t put you first as chances are this won’t change and you’ll only resent this more when he puts them before the baby.

@IAskTooManyQuestions

The average house here for a 3 bed semi goes for 400k. We can only get a mortgage of 260k on our wages and that's with a 40k deposit. We have been saving as much as we can but like most couples in the south east we pay a lot out. Once we get more experience in our jobs, then we will probably make the move up north as the higher level positions are roughly the same as the higher ones down here.

and the same for getting married, would love too. But right now, the cost of a wedding/house deposit is just no feasible.

Congratulations OP!

Firstly your DP has to absolutely have your back here. He is as responsible for this as you and you come as a unit. Your in laws don’t want to see you, then they don’t see him either. Him trying to keep the peace may be what he thinks is best, but it doesn’t support you. You need to be his priority and not trying to please his parents. Else when the baby is born you will have major problems. You’ll end up resenting him.

You can’t work from home and look after a child.

OP, I mean the following kindly.

Do you really feel mature enough to have a child.

You have been treated appalling by your DPs parents yet you subject yourself to it twice a week.

You are disrespected repeatedly, yet go back for more.

You have a DP who doesn't sound as if he has your back.

You are hours from family and support.

Apologies but you are focusing on childcare when you should be focusing on whether you should continue with this pregnancy.

Your life is going to become so much harder, lonelier, more vulnerable.

All in the hands of a partner who wishes to keep the peace above standing up to his parents.

He has made it very clear over the past couple of years it's fine to look down on you and your family and to treat you badly.

By doing that he is only one step from treating you badly himself.

He can't have it both ways.

You need to think about your life, and what you really want from it.

If you were my daughter, I would advise you to end the pregnancy and move on from this relationship.

You deserve a man who believes you are to be loved and treated with kindness and respect from his family.

Anything else is a recipe for misery for you.

Good luck.

What a hideous pair.
In your shoes I think I would speak to DP and make sure I could expect 100% support from him.
I would stop going round there immediately and wouldn't contact them at all. If DP chose to keep going, I'd expect him to stand up and walk out whenever they say something negative about you or your baby.
If they wanted to build a relationship with the baby, they'd have to do some serious bridge building with me.
I know finances are tight, but if you ever accept any financial help from them, I think you could do with stopping that right now and never accepting it in future. It will come back to bite you with these types.
I think you're well shot of the miserable twice weekly cups of tea.

@FannyGall0ps

Yep he's told them they are not on, that it's unacceptable etc. Pushing me away will not make him leave me. However, because they've always been like this, I guess in his eyes he just sees that as the way they are.

my family on the other hand, very liberal, open and supportive, just the distance i guess.

Congratulations!
And give it time. My family disapproved of my husband but eventually accepted him. (He was working class/orphan and I’m from upper middle class).

You might want to discuss marriage since a child is on the way. Marriage gives legal benefits that unmarried couples don’t have.

I wouldn't see them again until they did a u-turn on their attitude. The concern for me is about your DP. his parents are essentially forcing him to choose - you or them. He's trying to keep you both happy, making appeasing noises to you, telling them they're not being nice. But it sounds like they will force the issue and make life very unpleasant for you both. This will be the dynamic for the foreseeable future.

I’m glad he’s supporting you, that’s good. I feel terrible for you as this time should be about you and coming to terms/being excited about the baby.

Now they’ve shown their true colours, stop visiting and make your own support system without them in. They’ll either realise their error and make amends or, most likely, they’ll carry on being horrible and miss out on what should be a happy time.

Congratulations and I hope all works out for you.

Why didn’t you use a barrier method if you knew you’d not been taking your pill correctly while you were in hospital?

What horrible people, I'd be done with them for good. Basically you are being called a money grabbing scumbag. I'd never ever be in their company again and I'd tell my partner that and also that the baby was going no where near them either.
If he wasn't supportive then I'd be heading home to the North East.

Bit late for that skittle

Billy I think you’re being really out of order- OP has already decided to keep the baby

A minimal wedding only costs a few hundred pounds. Given that you’ll be parents with very high housing and childcare costs a costly party isn’t a good option.

Working from home and looking after a small baby isn’t a childcare option!

Working part time - especially if DP remained FT - would be very unwise when you’re not married - that would be a massive personal financial risk, short term and long term.

Congratulations OP.

The important issue here is whether your DP is strong enough to stand by you and your family unit in the face of strong opposition from his parents. It's a very difficult situation where he could end up feeling completely torn.
My ex's family went on like this with me (and I didn't have a baby with him). It was horrific - they bullied me constantly and I ended up having to go non-contract with them. Ex would visit them but in the end his behaviour got completely out of control - a large part caused by him not being able to cope with their treatment of him and me and issues remaining from his childhood.

So, what I would say to you is you should go minimal contact with the in-laws and make plans as to how you would bring up the child without any support from them at all. Is it possible? Would you rather be near your own family in the NE? Is your DP likely to be supportive and stand by you and also do his fair share of bringing up his child or is he the sort to leave you in the lurch at home while he works long hours and then does nothing to help?

Look at the worst case scenario - you end up stuck in London with no support, DP can't cope with the situation with his parents - they get to him after a while and he believes their lies about you, then he leaves you or becomes very difficult. What would you do in that situation? It sounds crazy, but I always think of the absolute worst that could happen when weighing up a problem, and make a plan as to how to deal with that. The plan then gives me security to know that I could cope.

Do not allow these horrible people to basically blackmail into you aborting your own child, which you have decided you want to keep.

Good luck.

Pity them for being so stuck up their own arses!

I am sorry for them. They will be the sore losers missing out on their happy settled son with a new baby and a lovely partner.

Carry on with your lives - don't live it to please anybody else.

Fuck. Them. off.

Congratulations on the baby!

Oh and block them on all social media platforms - they cant sneak a peak to see all is rosy and not have the audacity to be in your lives physically.

Honestly, I would be looking to move elsewhere, ideally close to your family. Nursery costs will be high and I doubt his family will come around. Plus, if anything goes wrong with your partner, he could stop you moving away.

His parents sound awful and he cannot play peacekeepers. He needs to make it clear he supports you even if it affects his relationship with them. If he can't do that then I would have concerns about whether he ever will. I would also be looking into getting married if you have to drop to part time

Congratulations!!
It’s such a shame his parents are being like this but it’s their loss!
I would try to distance yourself as much as possible for now as you or the baby don’t need any added stress. It must be difficult for your boyfriend too, but he needs to support you so his parents know their attitude is not okay and won’t be fair on the baby.

You mention they are "conservative" so I wonder if this is old-fashioned baby-out-of-wedlock disapproval and they are worried about what their family and friends will think

Wherever they are coming from, it's really unacceptable and I am sure they will regret their actions down the road (even if they won't admit that to yourself or your DP). This will be their first grandchild and their feelings may well shift as the due date approaches. If they don't, it's their loss.

It sounds like you are already working out logistics and so you obviously have your head screwed on right - just keep focusing on your baby plans and let them get on with whatever it is they are doing. You both have an exciting time ahead of you and nobody should be allowed to spoil that.

I’d tell them to get stuffed, get married cheaply and move up north closer to your family-are you teachers or nurses or something that can relocate anywhere on a similar salary?

Oh please Skittle what's the point of that? What difference does it make now?

OP - long talk with DP is required. Bluntly, you need to discuss how the 2 of you will go forward with the utter lack of respect his parents show you. How you will deal with it when the child they obviously do not want is born. How HE will choose to dance... will they get to call the tune and pull his strings or is he 100% certain he can walk away and live his own life?

If he isn't 100% certain then YOU have some hard decisions to make for yourself. And that will be very hard.

Good luck working through it all!

I'd move to the north east

@notsurenotsure48

Please stop appeasing people! You don’t owe strangers on the Internet with outdated ideas about what constitutes a ‘serious’ Relationship any responses.

The facts are that you are co-habiting in a long-term and committed partnership, and have jointly decided to start a family. Anyone who wants to be ‘unhappy’ with the decisions of two consenting and autonomous adults is, quite frankly, an interfering arsehole.

You need to draw a clear boundary with your in-laws - they have been unforgivably awful. You need a serious chat with your DP - ask him to seriously think about the way they treat you, about the unpleasant and unfounded character assassination they’ve waged against you. Does he really expect you to interact with people who consider you a manipulative gold-digger? He HAS to put you and your baby first, and stop pandering to his awful parents

Fuck them and their horrible reaction.

I understand that they are upset

Stop being so understanding of that! They've no bloody right whatsoever. They're nasty. As others have said, accept nothing from them and make clear to your DP that he's not to tolerate a jot of their snobby, horrible reaction.