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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

partners adult son coming to live with us

160 replies

lifelovechange · 12/08/2019 20:30

I have name changed so not to be too outing and I will change some details on this post as I know partners ex wife is on here.

AIBU to not know what the hell to do?

My partners son wants to live with us to get a change of scenery/friends for an unknown amount of time. He has already lived with his sister and owes her money. He has dealt drugs but hasn't taken or dealt in a couple of months and been in and out of jobs.

Me and my partner live in my two bed flat with our toddler and would have to support him whilst he found a job and decide whether to give him my DD bedroom and have her in with us or just give him the living room at night until we get a 3 bed place.

My partner will not buy a home so we would end up renting and even if SS got a job the amount my partner wants to 'charge' him wouldn't even cover his food.

He really is a good lad and has been making a real effort to change his life but I feel so guilty that I love that my partner is 100% committed to his children even as adults but I don't know how to support one of his children moving in without completely disrupting our DD. And I can see his other Son and Daughter wanting to do the same at some point maybe even all together.

Their mum will not take any of them in her house and hasn't since they were teenagers. Plus we live in an area that has a lot more for them than the area that they are in.

I really do want to help my partner and his kids but I feel so conflicted as I would want him to do the same for our DD when she is older. But financially we bring in under £30000 between us and another adult or 3 would make things beyond tight.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 12/08/2019 20:35

Just say no. My dp's add often hints that she'd like to come and live with us. I know it wouldn't work, and it would be instrumental in breaking us up. It's not going to happen. I'll leave first. Dp understands that..

Singlenotsingle · 12/08/2019 20:36

If the mum won't have them, why should you?

AE18 · 12/08/2019 20:36

Honestly it sounds like it isn't really an option for your household. He wants to move just for a change of scenery but this isn't really a good enough reason to disrupt a family that can't afford it and have a toddler in the house. Is he going to be able to respect that and be quiet etc past the child's bedtime every night, no friends over or drinking or anything? Is that really an attractive option to him?

If you can't afford it I would just say sorry but no, or charge him the amount you would need to be able to afford it. I wouldn't give up your daughters bedroom, though, that's really not right for the sake of an adult who is in no desperate need of help.

FuzzyPuffling · 12/08/2019 20:38

Have a plan agreed by all and stick to it. Involve timescales, finances, chores, expectations of behaviour, red lines...everything.
And then help him to stick to it.

mummmy2017 · 12/08/2019 20:39

Tell him you just can't do it.
But son can apply for housing near you and is welcome for meals.

HeyMonkey · 12/08/2019 20:41

You're not married, you own the flat which is only 2 bed, and have a child?

Plus he's been known to take and sell drugs and is in and out of work?

Fuck no. No way. If your partner wants to house him he can move out and get a place with him.

Don't care if I sound like a cold bitch on this one.

Mumminmum · 12/08/2019 20:41

Your DH is on with letting someone who used to be a pusher move in when he has a toddler in the house? Uhm no. Just no. " Oh I didn't think she would put something she didn't know in ger mouth. Jeeez. Relax. I'm sorry alright? It's not like I'm going to charge you for the coke she ate". Get the picture? Your toddler could end up dead.

Windygate · 12/08/2019 20:42

He isn't a 'good lad' he is drug dealer.

peachgreen · 12/08/2019 20:43

I would leave my husband before I'd allow a drug dealer to live in the same house as my toddler.

LemonAddict · 12/08/2019 20:45

So a drug dealer who owes money to the last person he lived with, fancies a change of scenery, and you are considering moving him into a flat with your toddler, a flat in which you don’t actually have the space to accommodate him and on top of you you’ll be expected to financially support him.

Are you mad? You must be, to even be considering this. A drug dealer living with your toddler, really???

mummmy2017 · 12/08/2019 20:45

I think you need to remind him the needs of a toddler come first, she needs a safe home, more that SS needs a place to crash.
If he was a good housemate his sister would not be chucking him out.
If he argues, you know you don't matter.

beatriceprior · 12/08/2019 20:49

I did this.

Adult son moved in with us because he had burnt all his bridges with his mum through smoking weed.

It caused countless arguments over him smoking weed.

I kept finding the left overs where he was was skinning up.

(He will lose his job if he tests positive and he works for his dad in a big company)

He moved out.

We get on a lot better.

Celticrose · 12/08/2019 20:50

If he refuses to leave how is that going to work out with your DD as she gets older. And if the other two want to move in also are you going to rent a 5 bed house? How old are these adults?

Supersimpkin · 12/08/2019 20:53

I don't think the 2 yr-old has a say in this - he's her Dbro. You're the parents, it's up to you which siblings live under your roof.

Whether DSS wants to live in a house with a toddler is another matter. it might help him calm down, more likely it will send him out partying again.

DSS needs help at a critical time. I would feel deeply uneasy saying no to his request for help, but you're the one who's going to be living with his results and your conscience, so it's up to you.

The £ is the way you can refuse; you can't afford to support 4 people on what you're bringing in. But do it kindly - say this really is about the money, not about you, and only about that.

You can't just say no. Offer him what you can to help with a rental deposit for a flatshare near you.

Skittlenommer · 12/08/2019 21:01

Hell no!!!!!!

bluebeck · 12/08/2019 21:02

Of course you cannot move a known drug dealer into your home with a toddler!

No way.

VenusTiger · 12/08/2019 21:02

I don’t think it’s going to work OP, but PPs ffs it’s her DP’s son! His mother has turned her back on him, what is he supposed to do!

Can he get some kind of housing benefit whilst he works. DP should definitely help him out even if it’s just getting him a job.

Original poster

lifelovechange · 12/08/2019 21:04

I am really taking on all the messages.
I know how bad it sounds saying he was a drug dealer, it was weed and only for a month whilst in between work so I probably make more allowances than I should. He has also been through a lot as young adult as have his siblings. As soon as they were all teens their mum was pregnant with OM and left their dad (my partner). My partner feels guilty they never got the support from their mum and he moved an hour away when the youngest was only 22.

My main problem is my partner is so amazing, he really is a great dad and partner and if it was our DD as an adult I would want him to do the same. I don't want to separate but long term this situation would not work.
I'm hoping I could maybe put a deadline of 4 months and then his son should have work and could afford a room to rent at least but I don't know if that is long enough or it would constantly be just one more month.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/08/2019 21:05

Not a chance. You can’t afford him. You don’t have space for him. He’s a drug dealer.

LemonAddict · 12/08/2019 21:06

How old is he?

Gingerkittykat · 12/08/2019 21:07

You would need to give him the bedroom because otherwise you would have no space away from each other. If he doesn't work how would he spend his time? Would he be hanging around all day every day?

He would be able to claim a small amount of benefits which would barely cover anything, around £53 a week if he is under 25.

If you do allow him to move in it would have to have strict rules attached, including timescales for him to get a job or get into education, no friends round, no drink or drugs etc.

Your partner does owe him support but you don't. He has not had a stable home life since he was a teenager, so some proper parental guidance and support could be enough to get him on track.

Cwtches123 · 12/08/2019 21:14

How old is he?

beatriceprior · 12/08/2019 21:14

You feel like you can't say no.

You don't have the space available really though do you?

You could say yes but with a time limit?

If the shoe was on the other foot, I'd expect my partner to agree to it but with conditions attached. Time limit etc. House rules. Etc.

maras2 · 12/08/2019 21:16

What do you mean when you say my partner won't buy a home?
How old is the adult son?
The whole scenario sounds very chaotic especially with a toddler in the midst of it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/08/2019 21:16

How does your partner feel about his son mooching off his daughter? Horrible behaviour.

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