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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

partners adult son coming to live with us

160 replies

lifelovechange · 12/08/2019 20:30

I have name changed so not to be too outing and I will change some details on this post as I know partners ex wife is on here.

AIBU to not know what the hell to do?

My partners son wants to live with us to get a change of scenery/friends for an unknown amount of time. He has already lived with his sister and owes her money. He has dealt drugs but hasn't taken or dealt in a couple of months and been in and out of jobs.

Me and my partner live in my two bed flat with our toddler and would have to support him whilst he found a job and decide whether to give him my DD bedroom and have her in with us or just give him the living room at night until we get a 3 bed place.

My partner will not buy a home so we would end up renting and even if SS got a job the amount my partner wants to 'charge' him wouldn't even cover his food.

He really is a good lad and has been making a real effort to change his life but I feel so guilty that I love that my partner is 100% committed to his children even as adults but I don't know how to support one of his children moving in without completely disrupting our DD. And I can see his other Son and Daughter wanting to do the same at some point maybe even all together.

Their mum will not take any of them in her house and hasn't since they were teenagers. Plus we live in an area that has a lot more for them than the area that they are in.

I really do want to help my partner and his kids but I feel so conflicted as I would want him to do the same for our DD when she is older. But financially we bring in under £30000 between us and another adult or 3 would make things beyond tight.

OP posts:
OstrichRunning · 12/08/2019 21:18

This is clearly going to negatively impact your dd. She's the only child in this situation. So it will not be fair on her. Your dp's soon is an adult. It seems obvious from where I'm standing that you have to prioritise your daughter's needs.

If your dp wants his son to move in that much, it seems clear he needs to address the accommodation issue - your place is just too small for this to be feasible, regardless of any other concerns.

If it was just a couple of weeks and he had something else lined up, that would be completely different.

XXcstatic · 12/08/2019 21:22

He’s a drug dealer

He sold weed on, probably to his mates, for a month. He's not Pablo Escobar.

I don't use drugs at all and am not condoning, but any teenager/young adult who has used weed regularly has likely also sold it on to mates from time to time. If none of them were allowed to live with younger siblings, there'd be millions of people on the streets.

It's great that he is trying to break away from old friends and habits - that suggests he is genuine about sorting himself out. The problem is that that could take a long time and you risk being stuck with him, OP. In your shoes, I'd be trying to sort him out with a flat-share near you, instead of him moving in. That way, he's away from his old mates and your DP can support him, without the difficulties of having him under your feet all day, every day.

Haffdonga · 12/08/2019 21:24

What about an offer of occasional overnight visits for when he needs to come to attend interviews in your area? Then once he gets a job you offer him temporary accommodation to stay with you just long enough to find a room to rent and get his first month's pay (which he'll need for his deposit).

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 12/08/2019 21:24

How about you agree that he has to find a job in your area first? After that you can discuss how much he needs to contribute to the household and for how long. I can really see your DP's point of view, I would want to support my son if he needed me.

RubbingHimSourly · 12/08/2019 21:28

It sounds like he wants to.move to get away from the.drugs scene in his area........it's the only way.to.cut the.ties.sadly
.
I'd welcome him with open arms under the condition that he.gets a.job, pays rent and works towards supporting himself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/08/2019 21:30

Where would you have him sleep RubbingHimSourly?

beatriceprior · 12/08/2019 21:33

We laid ground rules. The only one being"no drugs here".

Spent weeks finding bits of weed where he was skinning up.

Caused endless arguments. Every week. Without fail.

It's very hard to have to tell a step child who isn't yours they've done wrong (for me it has been as I don't want to overstep boundaries)never mind an adult.

AdaColeman · 12/08/2019 21:36

You would be foolish to take this young man into your home. He is an adult and as such is responsible for his own life, including a roof over his head.
Taking him in with a set time limit would never work, he might stay for years.

The adult son living in your home would completely change the dynamic of the household, I would think it could become awkward very quickly, especially as the property is small.

It would be entirely different if it were a home belonging to his Father that he waned to move into. That is your solution really, that he and his Father get a home together, separate from you and your DD.

coconutpie · 12/08/2019 21:37

You would be absolutely insane to consider this. You don't have the space, your toddler needs her own room. You want to give that up to house and feed and clothe an adult man who has been caught dealing drugs and owes money to the last person he lived with? You are batshit to even be considering this. How can you even consider disrupting your toddler's home life so much just to house this ungrateful waster? He's not a good lad if he's been dealing and also doesn't pay money back to his sibling.

Yappy12 · 12/08/2019 21:39

If he's only been off the drugs for a couple of months he may be back on them soon and that's no good around a toddler. Just say a firm NO. I would. I wouldn't have anyone staying who's mother wouldn't even have him.That's a big red flag to me. What if he owes money and some nasty people come banging on your door? You have a child. Put her first FFS.

Tistheseason17 · 12/08/2019 21:40

If he moved away when the youngest was 22 - how old are they all now? It's not like he moved away when they were 2 or is this a typo?

Anyway, he is an adult and needs to sort himself out and not at the expense of a toddler. This is a disaster and future MN post waiting to happen.

Drug dealers cannot hide - people find them when they want them or money owed. He'll be owing you money you cannot afford to lose before you know it.

Lovemenorca · 12/08/2019 21:41

I believe him moving in will reduce your benefit entitlement - that may indiscriminate your partner’s stance?

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/08/2019 21:42

You say your partner "won't" buy a house as though he could afford it but refuses to. But then you say your income is pretty low. I think the financial practicalities do need working out. If he owes his sister money after living with her it sounds as though he might not even be up to paying the amount he's agreed on and that would, potentially, be disastrous if you don't have any spare. But you also say he's a good lad. How reliable is he, financially? And could/would he do any work around the house (childcare or similar, perhaps) that would cut your expenses?

I do think it's good that your partner wants to help his son out and I can see why a change of place might be good for a young person who's been flailing a bit where he was. But it's not urgent that he moves now so having him in your 2 bed place isn't something that has to happen. I think you need to talk to your partner more about the issues and how you can mitigate the worst of it before anything happens.

CalmdownJanet · 12/08/2019 21:43

Not a fucking hope in hell would I disrupt my toddler, move in a drug dealer who doesn't work and can't support himself - sorry won't support himself because he could get a job, into my two bed flat for 4 days not to mind 4 months, no way José. Because he wants a change of scenery 😂. You would want to have mug tattooed on your forehead!

beatriceprior · 12/08/2019 21:46

Ask him to be drug tested weekly?

You can buy kits online. If he's serious he won't mind.

TowelNumber42 · 12/08/2019 21:47

How do you know he only dealt for a month and then stopped?

How did anyone know he was dealing at all? Do people normally let that be widely known?

In and out of jobs for a couple of months you say. Why hasn't be been able to hold one down?

What's his repayment plan for his sister?

thecatinthetwat · 12/08/2019 21:47

I don’t see how you could say no to this, you’ll have to figure it out.

Obviously no drugs, at all.

He won’t realistically cost much extra, but I think it’s reasonable to charge him rent to cover all his costs.

Set up rules and stick to it. Maybe he could come for visits first to get to know your dd and discuss how it will all work etc.

Once you have kids, you would always help them regardless of their age.

Barbarafromblackpool · 12/08/2019 21:47

No.

Italiangreyhound · 12/08/2019 21:48

lifelovechange I am afraid I would have to say no. If my partner felt so strongly he wanted to buy a place for us all to move into, I might move in with him and step son and dd, but to be honest I might not.

He dealt drugs, what if he gets in with the wrong sort and invites them round, will your home be a place where he hides drugs?

"My partner feels guilty they never got the support from their mum and he moved an hour away when the youngest was only 22."

It sounds like the mum should feel guilty and not the dad, although to be fair if he wanted to provide a home for his kids as adults he could have done that, presumably.

It looks like he is willing to risk his 2 years old's well being because he feels guilty about something that happened when one of his kids is 22.

I would offer help finding a job locally with accommodation (hotel or whatever) or a job and accommodation and supporting him but I would not be turfing my toddler out of her room or having someone sleep on my sofa.

Yappy12 · 12/08/2019 21:49

BoomBooms Cousin mentioned him doing childcare. I wouldn't trust a former druggie to mind my goldfish never mind my daughter.

pointythings · 12/08/2019 21:52

Don't do it. He's dealt, he owes money, he is only a couple of months clean (and you only have his word for that). I've lived with an addict. Honestly, you'd be mad to take that on. Support him with getting benefits. Support him into some form of proper rehab. Help him by all means.

Don't' take him in - that's called enabling, and it helps no-one. It just makes things worse.

BlueSkiesLies · 12/08/2019 21:52

Just say no. My dp's add often hints that she'd like to come and live with us. I know it wouldn't work, and it would be instrumental in breaking us up. It's not going to happen. I'll leave first. Dp understands that

This is so horrible. Get with someone who has kids... but fuck those kids right off, better if they don’t exist really.

TowelNumber42 · 12/08/2019 21:55

Have you spoken to the sister?

What type of work is he looking for? What makes you think he will hold these jobs down?

Has he given up drugs or just given up dealing?

TowelNumber42 · 12/08/2019 21:59

I've just reread your opening post. Have I got this right?

Mum and dad split up when the children were teenagers. Dad stayed nearby for years. Dad moved an hour away when the youngest was twenty two years old.

That's not neglectful fathering to my eyes.

Many people have moved far away from their parents by 22. Quite normal in my circle.

Beautiful3 · 12/08/2019 22:03

I wouldn't have him stay. I cant believe youd turf your daughter out of her room for an adult? That's awful. You could explain there's no room for him until you move.