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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

partners adult son coming to live with us

160 replies

lifelovechange · 12/08/2019 20:30

I have name changed so not to be too outing and I will change some details on this post as I know partners ex wife is on here.

AIBU to not know what the hell to do?

My partners son wants to live with us to get a change of scenery/friends for an unknown amount of time. He has already lived with his sister and owes her money. He has dealt drugs but hasn't taken or dealt in a couple of months and been in and out of jobs.

Me and my partner live in my two bed flat with our toddler and would have to support him whilst he found a job and decide whether to give him my DD bedroom and have her in with us or just give him the living room at night until we get a 3 bed place.

My partner will not buy a home so we would end up renting and even if SS got a job the amount my partner wants to 'charge' him wouldn't even cover his food.

He really is a good lad and has been making a real effort to change his life but I feel so guilty that I love that my partner is 100% committed to his children even as adults but I don't know how to support one of his children moving in without completely disrupting our DD. And I can see his other Son and Daughter wanting to do the same at some point maybe even all together.

Their mum will not take any of them in her house and hasn't since they were teenagers. Plus we live in an area that has a lot more for them than the area that they are in.

I really do want to help my partner and his kids but I feel so conflicted as I would want him to do the same for our DD when she is older. But financially we bring in under £30000 between us and another adult or 3 would make things beyond tight.

OP posts:
Sunflower20 · 13/08/2019 01:16

You're clearly a lovely person OP and I hope it all works out in the end, I can tell that you would help him if you could but it really doesn't sound feasible at all does it? So why would you feel bad about saying no? He's an adult and to be honest sounds like a bit of a waster, fair enough everybody should be given a chance but not at the expense of you and your daughter. You can still support him without having him living in your home!

Pantsomime · 13/08/2019 01:31

No chance he should be paying rent with his drug money

notangelinajolie · 13/08/2019 01:55

Drugs. Just no.

He is hiding from someone and wants to do it in your flat.

If your really have to have him there you should go to Argos and buy one of those blow up beds and a sleeping bag and put him in the living room. No way should yours or your little DC's life be re arranged to suit him (or his siblings). And if they want to come too - then I suggest another trip to Argos.

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 13/08/2019 03:04

No no no no no. And furthermore, no.

If your partner wants to help his son, he can use some of his inheritance to set him up in a place. SMH

1forAll74 · 13/08/2019 03:37

I would only do this if there was a spare room,and not to be pushing the toddler out of his or her room And there would have to be certain rules as such, despite the guy being family,and with his way of life that he has been having.

But would not do this in a two bed flat,and as you say, you are fearful about the timescale of his stay.ie, one month,two months, 6 months or maybe more,and more. You don't have to feel guilty about any decisions, the whole thing might not be workable,or even pleasant.

Mileysmiley · 13/08/2019 03:42

How old is he?

You shouldn't be supporting an adult male ... he may be your partners son but he is not a little boy anymore. Saying that my son still lives with us after he finished uni. He has a good job and a nice car so why can't he get a girlfriend?? I sometimes think its my fault for waiting on him hand and foot. Anybody have a nice daughter looking for man 25 years old with a beard and all his own teeth??

Mintjulia · 13/08/2019 03:48

I think your dp needs to use some of his inheritance to help his son with a house share locally.
Then he can spend time with you all without disrupting your dd.

Winterlife · 13/08/2019 04:18

Turning him away likely will cause conflict in your relationship. I would say yes, with a set time period-6 months or so. This should get him on his feet, and give him some savings to move out, assuming he gets a job soon after moving in.

SaraNade · 13/08/2019 04:26

No way. No way in this world. When the Pope becomes a woman. When chickens grow lips.

You get the point. Sorry, but your partner also sounds like sponging trash, too. Get rid of him if he won't buy a home with you. You're good enough to have his child, but not good to make a commitment to, whether that be by marrying or owning a home together. Stuff that. He is simply using you for free rent. Your DSS is his father's son, that's clear from your posts. Piss both of them off, you will be a lot better off.

SaraNade · 13/08/2019 04:30

Turning him away likely will cause conflict in your relationship.
Too bad if it does! It will show OP his real true colours. Also, it is the OP's flat, her partner moved in to her place. So he has no right to ask that his adult son stay at her flat. It's not even his flat! So he has no right to pressure the OP. Giving him money to rent somewhere or for bond would be a better idea.

Coyoacan · 13/08/2019 04:32

Your partner would rather use you for housing and hold you responsible for all that goes with it - and now he expects you to do the same for his grown up son - at your and your dc's expense!

This!

I also wonder about someone who feels guilty about moving away when his youngest was 22. What is that about?

Fizzpopwhizzbang · 13/08/2019 05:04

I know you feel like you have to help but it sounds like you don't have any choice but to say no. You don't have room for him, you have no money and you have a toddler and he has a very recent history with drugs.

These are all very valid reasons why you can't do this. I don't see how you can work around them.

ColaFreezePop · 13/08/2019 05:15

"No" is a complete sentence. PP have pointed out why.

And leave it up to your partner to give him any money though I wouldn't recommend that. Better to pay any rent money directly to the landlord.

MotherOfSoupDragons · 13/08/2019 05:23

Wake up OP.

cantfindname · 13/08/2019 05:47

The worst 6 months of my life were when my ex partners adult, drug taking son moved in with us. I didn't say 'no' as we had the space but, my god, it was unendurable.

He had no job and so was asked to paint a wall one day. He managed a square foot before 'being bored' and going back to bed. Weed everywhere and he would be out half the night looking for more to buy with the money he had stolen from my purse/ dad's wallet/ even kids piggy banks.

Best of all I didn't learn the lesson and a few years later his exDPs daughter moved in. She was 15 and it slowly emerged that she was pregnant, although she denied it and refused to see GP. If possible she was worse than her brother and I ended up dumping her in the car and driving 200 miles at 11pm one night to take her back to her mother (who wasn't thrilled to see her) She (and mother) still denied girl was pg until baby was born three months later!!

OP don't do it! For your sake and your daughters, just Don't. Do. It.

cantfindname · 13/08/2019 05:48

"MY ex Dps daughter"

KatherineJaneway · 13/08/2019 05:54

SavingSpaces2019 Totally agree.

Wiltshirelass2019 · 13/08/2019 05:58

Don’t run the risk of bringing drugs into your house. If anything happened social services would be involved x

FuriousVexation · 13/08/2019 05:59

he couldn't get the ex and OM out of the house they owned even though he had the kids full time

Bollocks, I'm sorry but that is just bollocks.

He's either a full on liar (that wpuld be my bet) or a complete fantasist.

Divgirl2 · 13/08/2019 06:42

I don't want to sound like mystic meg here but this relationship isn't going to work long term. Sorry.

To your current issue - you need to say no to your partner. I get that he's much older than you and it can sometimes be hard to put your foot down in these situations but "no is a complete sentence".

You are on a relatively low income, you do not have space, you have a toddler (a young female toddler by the sound of things). No. No. No. No. No. If saying no to something as crazy as having an unemployed ex-drug dealing 28 year old man coming to live on your couch for an indefinite period causes issues then good riddance!

MsHopey · 13/08/2019 07:03

I'm 27.
I've never been sacked from a job, I've lived with DH (who was DP) since we were 19, married at 21, have 2 DC.
My twin can't hold down a relationship, or job, does drugs, and steals from family and never pays back what he owes.
We both had a very shit childhood and could both probably do with extensive counselling.
We are in 2 very different places in our lives, he moved in with my dad full time at 16 to get him away from the drug dealers he owed money to (they kept coming to my moms house where we all lived at the time with my young brothers and sisters there demanding their money).
12 years later and he has got worse, not better.
Some people cant be saved, and you'll be putting a lot of stress on the family unit and he might never change.
On the other hand if my son was 16 or 46 I would do everything I could to help him if he was really willing to try.

Kewlwife · 13/08/2019 07:20

The way people speak about drugs on here is absolutely ridiculous.

I think you should tread carefully before making your husband choose between helping out is son and obeying your wishes

Singlenotsingle · 13/08/2019 07:28

The trouble with having a drug dealer living in your house/flat is that suddenly one afternoon there will be a loud knock on the door. It will either be the police OR, more likely, a big man chasing your dp's son for money. I know, it happened to me. They don't care where the money comes from, and it can be dangerous. Just say no,
dp, you can't take the risk.

Kewlwife · 13/08/2019 07:30

He sold weed for a month..he wasnt smuggling in tonnes if Cocaine from South America. Grow up

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/08/2019 07:38

He sold weed for a month..he wasnt smuggling in tonnes if Cocaine from South America. Grow up And OP has a toddler, whose bedroom will be given up for this almost 30 year old man child to skin up in!

Grow up, indeed!

OP You have been given an oppportunity to see how your life looks from the outside... I am not sure it is as pleasant as you thought. Your OH does sound less than committed to you and your DD and his DS is going to cause you all sorts of issues, many of which will show you exactly how OH sees you... I wish you well of it!

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