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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

partners adult son coming to live with us

160 replies

lifelovechange · 12/08/2019 20:30

I have name changed so not to be too outing and I will change some details on this post as I know partners ex wife is on here.

AIBU to not know what the hell to do?

My partners son wants to live with us to get a change of scenery/friends for an unknown amount of time. He has already lived with his sister and owes her money. He has dealt drugs but hasn't taken or dealt in a couple of months and been in and out of jobs.

Me and my partner live in my two bed flat with our toddler and would have to support him whilst he found a job and decide whether to give him my DD bedroom and have her in with us or just give him the living room at night until we get a 3 bed place.

My partner will not buy a home so we would end up renting and even if SS got a job the amount my partner wants to 'charge' him wouldn't even cover his food.

He really is a good lad and has been making a real effort to change his life but I feel so guilty that I love that my partner is 100% committed to his children even as adults but I don't know how to support one of his children moving in without completely disrupting our DD. And I can see his other Son and Daughter wanting to do the same at some point maybe even all together.

Their mum will not take any of them in her house and hasn't since they were teenagers. Plus we live in an area that has a lot more for them than the area that they are in.

I really do want to help my partner and his kids but I feel so conflicted as I would want him to do the same for our DD when she is older. But financially we bring in under £30000 between us and another adult or 3 would make things beyond tight.

OP posts:
Longdistance · 12/08/2019 22:04

Not a chance in hell would I let him move in. Your poor ds would need to move out if his room. It’s YOUR flat and you should be the one to make the decision. If he’s an adult he is not your responsibility. Having sold drugs and owes his dsis money, it should be a no. Don’t get guilt tripped or pressured into it by your dp.
Put your foot down, otherwise I can see you in a few weeks time telling us how you can’t get rid of dss and your DP won’t help 🔮

TowelNumber42 · 12/08/2019 22:06

You describe it as your place. Owned? Rented?

Rachelover40 · 12/08/2019 22:06

You need to spell it out to your step son that you really don't have the room to accommodate him except on a very short term basis. Make sure this is emphasised and it may encourage him to get his act together. If he gets a job he can rent a room or go into a house share. You and your husband will be nearby and he can see a lot of you.

I really hope it all works out and understand perfectly how you feel, I would be the same. I also feel for the young man, it must be very difficult, however old you are, to not be able to go 'home' to one or both parents. I

t sounds as though he has made progress, long may it continue.

Best wishes to you Flowers.

Singlenotsingle · 12/08/2019 22:06

Be sure of the whole story blue skies, before you judge. Dsd is 35!

FlamedToACrisp · 12/08/2019 22:08

As someone who has an adult stepson living with her and DH -

DO NOT DO THIS!! And if you really must - definitely, definitely, DON'T give him his own room. You don't have a spare room, so he'll have to sleep on the sofa. Make it as uncomfortable and inconvenient as possible or he will never bloody leave. If you only make it uncomfortable and inconvenient for everyone else in the family and not him, you will regret it. And your sex life will suffer with a child in the bedroom.

Lovemusic33 · 12/08/2019 22:12

Was in a similar situation with my SS,I refused to have him stay here due to the fact he had taken drugs recently and I didn’t want it around my dc’s. It caused arguments and SS ended up homeless for a short time. He is an adult and is capable of looking after himself, your toddler isn’t.

Original poster
lifelovechange · 12/08/2019 22:13

There is lots of opinions and I do appreciate them all.

To answer some questions;

when my partner and his ex split he moved out but the kids wanted to be with him with in a month but he couldn't get the ex and OM out of the house they owned even though he had the kids full time. He couldn't afford both the rent in new place and mortgage so ex didn't pay mortgage and the house was repossessed with very little equity.

SS is middle child and 28 years old, he lives in a seaside place where seasonal jobs are the normal. Unfortunately drugs are very normal too.

My partner had an inheritance last year that combined with selling my flat would be able to buy a house but he doesn't want to own property yet and never with anyone.

I do think he is trying to change and leave behind his past, but it is going to be a rocky road for us all.

OP posts:
Longdistance · 12/08/2019 22:15

He’s 28? Shock

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 12/08/2019 22:20

If he was your child what would you do?

HeddaGarbled · 12/08/2019 22:20

You don’t have room for him.

Boysey45 · 12/08/2019 22:23

What about your partner giving his son money for a bond for a rented room in a house? That's more sensible and say he can come for tea once or twice a week.
Theres no way I'd be giving up my daughters room in my own house for a 28 year old.Not a chance.Its not even your partners house so how dare he make these suggestions?

ArthurMorgan · 12/08/2019 22:25

I thought you was going to say he's 19 or something but at 28? No, it's too much of an upheaval for all of you, especially your dc, for a grown man.

ssd · 12/08/2019 22:35

Your partner has an inheritance, why can't he help his son?

SavingSpaces2019 · 12/08/2019 22:38

I thought he must be 18/19 yrs old with how you describe him!
Instead he's almost 30 years old!

Lots of us have had a hard childhood, some have been through a hell of a lot more than he has.
Stop making excuses for him and stop being so naive!

I know how bad it sounds saying he was a drug dealer, it was weed and only for a month whilst in between work so I probably make more allowances than I should
He smokes weed and deals it.
He hasn't stopped, he's just lying to you.
He will be sneaking it into your home if he moves in.
As a smoker myself, i can tell you straight that he's bullshitting you if you think he isn't still a part of that lifestyle and crowd.
He could also be dabbling in other harder drugs that you don't know about- and you probably don't even know what signs to look for if he is.

I'm hoping I could maybe put a deadline of 4 months and then his son should have work and could afford a room to rent at least but I don't know if that is long enough or it would constantly be just one more month
It will be the same with you as it has been with his sister - he will continue his ways, not get a job or pay his way.
He's had ten years to get a job and place to rent - but is still sofa surfing and expecting others to finance him and bail him out.

I think you all need to open your eyes.....it's more likely that he's addicted to various drugs and that lifestyle sucks up all his energy and money - hence him sponging off family.

Your DH can support his son without moving him into your house and making things harder for you and dc - and putting you all at risk.
You all need to stop infantilisng and making excuses for this almost 30 year old MAN.
You also need to wise up about drugs and addiction, you won't be so blase when you do.

NotStayingIn · 12/08/2019 22:39

Not sure if this is a crazy idea but I think I would prefer it if my partner paid his rent for him for a set amount of months out of the inheritance. Maybe give all his older children the same amount (now or in the future when they need it) to keep it fair. That way he is helping his son. Allowing him to move in would be such a mistake for your relationship.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 12/08/2019 22:45

I don't see how this would be good for him or your household. How are you even considering it when you literally don't have the space. You can put a time limit on it but he absolutely will overstay his welcome and mooch off of the both of you. He's 28. If he wants a change of scenery, he should sort that out himself.

ReasonedCamper · 12/08/2019 22:50

Whatever you do, do not sell your flat in order to rent a 3 bed to accommodate DSS.

As s parent I would never stop doing what I could to help My kids, but sorry, a 28 year old ? When you have a 3 bed flat?

DeeCeeCherry · 12/08/2019 22:51

Say No then. But you married a parent.

Obviously he's not the perfect stepson but he is your partners' son so for you I'm not sure it's as simple as saying No. I wouldn't want him there either but as said you married a parent, there's always a risk that an adult offspring could be in circumstances where they need to come home for a bit. Your best hope is that your H is on same page as you with this. From what you've explained I don't know where you expect his son to go.

SavingSpaces2019 · 12/08/2019 22:59

My partner had an inheritance last year that combined with selling my flat would be able to buy a house but he doesn't want to own property yet and never with anyone

Seems you got bigger issues.....he wants to keep his money all to himself and not share it with you or use it to provide a more comfortable/secure lifestyle for his child and partner.
He doesn't want to buy a property with you - because if you split there's a possibility you would get more than you put in simply cos you'd be the resident parent.
You might even be able to live in it until your dc turned 18.
Your partner would rather use you for housing and hold you responsible for all that goes with it - and now he expects you to do the same for his grown up son - at your and your dc's expense!
I mean, touching his own money to provide for his son....well, how dare anyone think that's reasonable eh?

It seems the sponging apple doesn't fall far from the tree......

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/08/2019 23:15

My partner had an inheritance last year that combined with selling my flat would be able to buy a house but he doesn't want to own property yet and never with anyone

So he's currently living in your falt (rent free?) and wants to move his son in (to your flat, rent free) but won't look at buying a place together because he's gun shy?

What SavingSpaces said.

If he has a child with you and he's not prepared to make your lives better because of a fear of splitting up he isn't the "great dad" he's painting himself as. As a parent with children with another partner, he's right to be concerned about finance, but he can't be paralyzed by that concern. Maybe suggest you go talk to a solicitor about what the two of you can do to buy a place together and put proper protections in place for your whole family? Alternatively, have a long hard look at how committed he really is to you and your DD, because this is a red flag.

Tooner · 12/08/2019 23:16

What Savingspaces said.

I think your partner has a bloody cheek even asking you to consider this.

Bookworm4 · 12/08/2019 23:24

It seems the sponging apple doesn't fall far from the tree......
Possibly one of the best comments yet.
20 feckin 8!!!
Oh diddums daddy moved an hour away when he was ‘only 22’ 🙄
Is it genetic? Work shy/scrounging?
Your DP has ££ but won’t buy a house but expects YOU to accommodate his dodgy son?
I’d fuck the pair of them out on their arses.

TowelNumber42 · 13/08/2019 00:12

I agree with bookworm they are both sponging arses.

I bloody hope DP pays you proper rent and covers half the bills. Or is this one of those situations where he decides he doesn't want to "pay your mortgage" and instead keeps all his money, lives rent free and pays a few bills but nowhere near half?

28 years old! Dad has a pot of money sitting around, if he wants to help son move to a less druggie location he could pay 3-6 months rent on a room in a house share for him.

Mamitab · 13/08/2019 01:09

Wow. I don’t know what to say. I am a year younger than your DSS, but also a mother and I have been a step mother as well. Step-parenting is hard AF. Much harder than with your own. You are expected to Willingly provide for them financially and emotionally, whilst not crossing the line in how much you can Educate them. Now, with your 28yo SS, you will essentially become a b&b hostess. You will not be able to have a say in his lifestyle, he is way too old and never- ever interacted with you, but you will be expected to support him finantially (to some extent- it could be cash, foods he likes or a netflix subscription) with a smile on your face. Mark my words. As much as you love your partner and want to support him, you are bringing a parasite into your home. He might go sleep late and make noises late at night. He might eat all your food just cause ‘he is bored’. I bet he is not the kind of guy that cleans his dishes. He might be stupid enough to bring guest into your house. You will not have a living room. He is not going to babysit ur DD.(nor should you allow it) Moreover, he will destroy your relationship with your partner and it will affect your daughter. Say NO. your partner may or may not get angry, not your problem. He is 28 I rather deal with a bitter partner for a couple of months than destroy a relationship for a lazy 28yo. Or better let them both go. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mamitab · 13/08/2019 01:13

Excuse my spelling and incoherence, I was doing something else 😂