partners adult son coming to live with us

[lifelovechange]

I have name changed so not to be too outing and I will change some details on this post as I know partners ex wife is on here.

AIBU to not know what the hell to do?

My partners son wants to live with us to get a change of scenery/friends for an unknown amount of time. He has already lived with his sister and owes her money. He has dealt drugs but hasn't taken or dealt in a couple of months and been in and out of jobs.

Me and my partner live in my two bed flat with our toddler and would have to support him whilst he found a job and decide whether to give him my DD bedroom and have her in with us or just give him the living room at night until we get a 3 bed place.

My partner will not buy a home so we would end up renting and even if SS got a job the amount my partner wants to 'charge' him wouldn't even cover his food.

He really is a good lad and has been making a real effort to change his life but I feel so guilty that I love that my partner is 100% committed to his children even as adults but I don't know how to support one of his children moving in without completely disrupting our DD. And I can see his other Son and Daughter wanting to do the same at some point maybe even all together.

Their mum will not take any of them in her house and hasn't since they were teenagers. Plus we live in an area that has a lot more for them than the area that they are in.

I really do want to help my partner and his kids but I feel so conflicted as I would want him to do the same for our DD when she is older. But financially we bring in under £30000 between us and another adult or 3 would make things beyond tight.

Is OP coming back?

Whosorrynow I imagine that the living room will be shared space - at least during the day!

Another vote not to do this. He is doing what is known in addiction circles as a 'geographical'. Running from his problems but as the saying goes 'wherever you go, there you are'.

It will be a nightmare. Living with an active drug user is hellish. For the sake of your child do not agree to this. He won't suddenly become a different person because he has had a change of scenery.

The amount of times problematic drug users who deal and use the line 'just dealing to a couple of friends' is ridiculous. It is bull shit. He is dealing and using and he has run into issues in his current set up - and you are the next mug he has identified.

He will bring untold problems to your door.

So he gets the security of living in your flat, holds onto his inheritance, and moves his 28 year old fully grown son into your two bed?

Your dp is a joke. And moving an hour away when you'd youngest is 22 is perfectly normal.

No way would I compromise my toddler's home and my quality of life so some cocklodger could take over my home.

If your dp wants to live with him and support him then he needs to find somewhere to live with him on his own.

No, if this was my own son, I wouldn't do this. If he isn't in work, encourage and support him to find a job with live-in accommodation...hotel or hostel work, volunteering, forces etc. Do not have him live with you.

Rather.....encourage your DP to support him as above. You focus on yourself and DD.

If you allow him to move in I think he needs to know that he needs to get a job and contribute - at least the extra it costs you to rent somewhere with an extra room and the extra bills and groceries. Any (legal) job will do at first- make sure he knows that there is no shame in an honest days work (retail/hospitality/cleaning whatever)

Be open about the fact that your family income is not enough to support him. It will be better for his self esteem to know he is paying his way anyway.

I would wait for him to get the job and start contributing (and things to seem stable and sustainable) before looking to move house.

If you allow him to move in, not look for work/not contribute and to live like a teenager you will be doing him no favours and he will probably end up depressed. The longer that goes on the longer it will be to break. Ask your partner to consider the idea that it is better for his son if he is treated like an adult who can and should contribute rather than a dependant child.

It sounds like an unreasonable request. You don’t physically have space and it’s not really fair for your daughter to give up her bedroom.

@Kewlwife no offence but you sound utterly naive in your comments. This isn't you and your middle class friends smoking the odd joint in the garden and at Glastonbury..