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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

partners adult son coming to live with us

160 replies

lifelovechange · 12/08/2019 20:30

I have name changed so not to be too outing and I will change some details on this post as I know partners ex wife is on here.

AIBU to not know what the hell to do?

My partners son wants to live with us to get a change of scenery/friends for an unknown amount of time. He has already lived with his sister and owes her money. He has dealt drugs but hasn't taken or dealt in a couple of months and been in and out of jobs.

Me and my partner live in my two bed flat with our toddler and would have to support him whilst he found a job and decide whether to give him my DD bedroom and have her in with us or just give him the living room at night until we get a 3 bed place.

My partner will not buy a home so we would end up renting and even if SS got a job the amount my partner wants to 'charge' him wouldn't even cover his food.

He really is a good lad and has been making a real effort to change his life but I feel so guilty that I love that my partner is 100% committed to his children even as adults but I don't know how to support one of his children moving in without completely disrupting our DD. And I can see his other Son and Daughter wanting to do the same at some point maybe even all together.

Their mum will not take any of them in her house and hasn't since they were teenagers. Plus we live in an area that has a lot more for them than the area that they are in.

I really do want to help my partner and his kids but I feel so conflicted as I would want him to do the same for our DD when she is older. But financially we bring in under £30000 between us and another adult or 3 would make things beyond tight.

OP posts:
ElektraUnchained · 13/08/2019 11:38

Does your DP at least pay his way at yours?

RockinHippy · 13/08/2019 11:45

28!,He's an adult. No way in hell. You do not have the room. It compromises your DD & your lives & makes your living conditions overcrowded.

Your DP needs to stop babying his adult kids out of guilt. It's not helping them. If he wants his DS living with you, he also needs to get his finger out & provide a suitable home fir you all. So buy the bigger place you want

katewhinesalot · 13/08/2019 11:56

Don't sell your flat. That is your security.

Give him a limited time to get on his feet. Take a decent rent off him and use some of it for food. Tell him you will give the rest back to him at the end of the time period to help towards a deposit for a rental place of his own. Ensure that he saves more himself or if you know he won't then charge a lot more for the rent. He needs to get a job, even if it is just seasonal to begin with. Build up his CV.

Help him to help himself. By paying rent to you to save for him, for a few months he can get himself back on his feet. If he won't consider it then don't bother helping him. Whether or not to give him your dd's bedroom depends on his commitment to using this opportunity to save money.

Tighnabruaich · 13/08/2019 12:11

Don't sell your flat.

Don't let the 28-year-old live in YOUR flat.

If your partner wants to help his son - then he can rent a flat together with him.

There is no pressing need for son to come and live with you, he's not homeless, he just fancies a change of scenery.

He already owes money to the last sucker who put him up.

Honestly, I could virtually guarantee that if he moves in, ructions will ensue, and possibly your relationship will be very badly damaged.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 13/08/2019 12:20

He can find a room in a shared house and claim benefits til he's working. Dad can give him a deposit. Or local council deposit scheme. But DO NOT be a guarantor.

He's 28 and owes money to the last person. A lot of people move out at 18.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 13/08/2019 12:22

And OBVIOUSLY don't sell your flat, especially not to help out dp who won't even put his own money in to buy somewhere.

Mamitab · 13/08/2019 12:57

That is really not her job. She should not became his saving accounts manager nor his cleaner or hostess. He is 28. Most people have a career/family/life somehow in track. If she had the room or the money or the place wasnt hers, it would be a different story. They have a toddler and tight income. OP I would rather be alone.

Whosorrynow · 13/08/2019 13:04

He should just get a room in house share like every other adult in his situation would that way in order to keep a roof over his head he'll have to behave himself and co-operate with the other people in the house
If he lives with his parents it's too easy for him to take the piss

ElizaPancakes · 13/08/2019 13:12

He’s 28 and you don’t have room.

The weed thing is irrelevant IMO, whether it’s the truth or a stretch, because he’ll only deny it if you question or say no because of that.

He is a grown man, he can find a room as a lodger and grow up. And yes, if my 28 year old son wanted to move in ‘for a change of scenery’ and we didn’t have room I’d say no.

Whosorrynow · 13/08/2019 13:15

A change of scenery sounds like a euphemism for a holiday, he wants a free holiday at your expense
Is that what you want to volunteer for?

StrawberryCrunch · 13/08/2019 13:26

Why on earth would you even consider disrupting your toddler and even taking her room away from her, for a 28 year old man.

Not a chance.

He's nearly 30 for godsake. Help out where you can but you don't have the space for him to live with you unfortunately. Disrupting your toddler so your practically 30 year old SS can live with you with no job etc... would he an awful thing to do.

RockinHippy · 13/08/2019 13:26

& do not sell your flat, rent it out

IhaveALooBrush · 13/08/2019 14:00

Bloody hell.
He's 28, not a child. His dad can put 4 months rent on a room somewhere for him if he's that caring as a parent.
He is either not just smoking pot or he is buying BIG batches to owe money.
He is not telling the truth.
Stoners and toddlers don't mix, do not move him in with you.
You will never get to sit on your own sofa. You will never have any food in. Don't leave money lying around. Do not give up your dd's bedroom, you will never get it back.

Sicario · 13/08/2019 14:07

28? Absolutely no way. NO WAY.

saraclara · 13/08/2019 14:11

It's YOUR home. It's HIS son. You don't have room for him.
Just. Say. No.

Kewlwife · 13/08/2019 14:41

Um. I know a lot of people who have smoked weed daily since they were teenagers.

One of them owns a Coffee Shop in Amsterdam

Singlenotsingle · 13/08/2019 16:26

28? That's nearly as bad as my 35yo dsd who wants to move in! Shock Definitely not! Your dp should use some of his precious inheritance to rent a flat for his DS if he's so concerned about him! Please, please don't do it. Tell us you're not going to? Don't be a doormat.

Bookworm4 · 13/08/2019 16:59

Is he eligible for benefits? Could easily rent a room and get HB. Do NOT support these wasters of men.

MaverlousMo · 13/08/2019 17:31

So your partner has money from an inheritance, doesn’t want buy a home with you but is happy for his 28 year old son to move into your flat?!

I would say no. He can assist his son by helping out with a deposit ( from his inheritance) for a flat share or studio and possibly a few months rent. Maybe somewhere close enough so he can visit.

SimplySteveRedux · 13/08/2019 17:38

Last thing you need is Social Services knocking on your door if they catch a whiff of weed on DDs clothes. Your DPs lack of faith in you is extremely disturbing. Where are your boundaries?

pinkyredrose · 13/08/2019 17:44

If your partner has all this money he could give his son a deposit for somewhere.

1Wildheartsease · 13/08/2019 17:52

If you have him to stay then put him up in the living room. He is a temporary (and welcome) GUEST and just staying until he has his own space. This sends the right message about it not being a residence for him!

Not giving him the privacy of his own room makes it harder to be involved in dealing/storing drugs at your place (should he be tempted).

Whosorrynow · 13/08/2019 17:58

This sends the right message about it not being a residence for him!
he may understand the message differently though, more like 'they want me here so much they are prepared to sacrifice the living room so that I can have my own private space'Shock

ReasonedCamper · 13/08/2019 18:17

“. I think you need to get married ASAP to safeguard your and your dd’s rights.”

How so? She is the one who owns a flat, he doesn’t. All marriage will do is give him rights to her flat!

People need to THINK before automatically advocating marriage as being in best interests.

Tistheseason17 · 13/08/2019 18:41

he doesn't want to own property yet and never with anyone

I'm sorry but you have bigger problems than just moving his son in if he won't buy a place with you when you have a child together.

Sooooo many red flags.