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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

partners adult son coming to live with us

160 replies

lifelovechange · 12/08/2019 20:30

I have name changed so not to be too outing and I will change some details on this post as I know partners ex wife is on here.

AIBU to not know what the hell to do?

My partners son wants to live with us to get a change of scenery/friends for an unknown amount of time. He has already lived with his sister and owes her money. He has dealt drugs but hasn't taken or dealt in a couple of months and been in and out of jobs.

Me and my partner live in my two bed flat with our toddler and would have to support him whilst he found a job and decide whether to give him my DD bedroom and have her in with us or just give him the living room at night until we get a 3 bed place.

My partner will not buy a home so we would end up renting and even if SS got a job the amount my partner wants to 'charge' him wouldn't even cover his food.

He really is a good lad and has been making a real effort to change his life but I feel so guilty that I love that my partner is 100% committed to his children even as adults but I don't know how to support one of his children moving in without completely disrupting our DD. And I can see his other Son and Daughter wanting to do the same at some point maybe even all together.

Their mum will not take any of them in her house and hasn't since they were teenagers. Plus we live in an area that has a lot more for them than the area that they are in.

I really do want to help my partner and his kids but I feel so conflicted as I would want him to do the same for our DD when she is older. But financially we bring in under £30000 between us and another adult or 3 would make things beyond tight.

OP posts:
Kewlwife · 13/08/2019 07:45

He very well may smoke weed but dealing it doesn't mean he smokes it. It's kind of bad business acumen if you're hooked on the drug you sell. But this is weed, anyway. A drug that is legal in some countries and is likely to be legal here too. He isn't a heroin addict. Seriously. You guys really need to be more educated about drugs if you want to be any source of protection for your kids.

All this "weed is a gateway drug". "Dealers and customers will be at your door". "There will be people after him". Its ridiculous and embarrassing.. speak to Frank. Really.

Is Frank still a thing?

stucknoue · 13/08/2019 07:46

I would let him stay on the sofa until he get work and saves a deposit to rent a room - out of his benefits I would expect £15 a week, once he is working £25

fleshmarketclose · 13/08/2019 07:49

He's 28! You don't have room so just say no.

TowelNumber42 · 13/08/2019 07:57

He sold weed for a month Call me an old cynic but I rather suspect something like this happened: when he was living with his sister something alerted her to him dealing, maybe unsavoury types turning up at the door, maybe blatant dealing from her place, maybe she found his stash, he claimed it was only for one month due to seasonal job trouble (at 28!), she believed him and gave him money to pay someone off. It now transpires that he owes more to more people, she won't sub him, he says he needs to leave town to get away from drugs, dad won't pay anyone off but offers to help son get out of Dodge.

His dad has money, an inheritance, spending inheritance on your children is normal. Yet your DH won't spend any of it on either his new child or his previous children. Moochers men.

TowelNumber42 · 13/08/2019 07:59

Does dad like a little smoke too? Does he perhaps actually feel guilty about having inadvertently encouraged his son to become a waster? Could he even be looking forward to hanging out with his fun son in a hazy blur every evening?

Kewlwife · 13/08/2019 08:07

Drug dealers (especially weed dealers) don't have people just turning up to their door unless they are really bad at it. It would be sort of obvious to everyone what's going on, no?

It seems like an episode of "Doctors" this does.

Idontwanttotalk · 13/08/2019 08:30

I would turn him down purely because you don't have room. If he needed to stay somewhere just for a few days or a week then I'd let him sleep on the sofa.

He is a grown man. I suggest he registers with the council anyway. If he owes money to the DSis who he has been living with, does this mean he will expect money from you and your DP? Does he know his DF received an inheritance and thinks he'll be able to get money from him easily?

As it is your flat, you have no room, he is unemployed, an adult (and not even a very young one) and in debt then my response would be a big 'no'. I wouldn't have to think very hard about it either.

blackchina · 13/08/2019 08:55

@lifelovechange

No WAY. And stop enabling him and making excuses by saying 'ooh but it was only a bit of weed and he's a good lad.'

I get sick of seeing threads started on here about total dicks and cocklodgers, then when the OP starts seeing lots of (understandable) negative stuff, they start saying 'awww he's not THAT bad.'

He's a fucking druggie. Don't let him near your child.

@XXcstatic

He sold weed on, probably to his mates, for a month. He's not Pablo Escobar.

I don't use drugs at all and am not condoning, but any teenager/young adult who has used weed regularly has likely also sold it on to mates from time to time. If none of them were allowed to live with younger siblings, there'd be millions of people on the streets.

And shame on you for minimising the behaviour of this man child. Hmm Disgusting. Hmm

And like a few other posters, I don't believe for a SECOND that he 'only did it for a month.'

Lockshunkugel · 13/08/2019 09:14

So many people on this forum seem to think ‘oh, it’s only a bit of weed’ but it’s still illegal and it does long term damage. Your DP’s son should not move in under any circumstances.

Mamitab · 13/08/2019 09:20

Totally agree. My neighbour’s daughter found a grinder in their garden. (Untill today they can only guess who it belonged to). Obv it was used so weed leftovers and thc were still visible. Guess what, the toddler started playing with it and licking it, ended up in a&e cause she was acting a bit different, social services opened an investigation... how fun! Trust me, do not bring him home. Your partner is being unreasonable, there is no space, he is not homeless, it will very much change your dynamics. Your daughter needs her room. Do not change her routine for a lazy stepson. He is not your problem

CoraPirbright · 13/08/2019 09:32

28!!! He’s 28!!! This is utterly preposterous. By that age, my dbro had a wife, 3 kids and had been to war!! I think that the weed dealing might be producing a slight overreaction on here so what I would focus on is - quite seriously - you simply dont have the space!

I understand that you are reluctant to say no but I think you should suggest that, to move to your area for a fresh start, get your dh to look for rooms to rent in your area and possibly supply the deposit. Are there jobs around you that he could do? Or is that just a pipe dream?

Cassilis · 13/08/2019 09:35

OP, you’re in a very precarious situation, you have a baby and your partner won’t buy a house. I think you need to get married ASAP to safeguard your and your dd’s rights.

And in light of above I wouldn’t be letting DSS live with you.

EL8888 · 13/08/2019 09:45

Hmm so it's not a change of scene, it's more to hide from drug dealers / competitors whose toes he's stood on. Your toddler is the priority, your step son made these lifestyle choices. I say no. You don't have the space anyway. How can 4 adults and a toddler fit into a 2 bedroom, if his sister turns up as well. Him staying for a few nights could help him out but he really should be standing on his own 2 feet at that age. I'm not much older than him and confused by people's fixation of living off parents

Him and his father both sounds like cocklodgers

Someone has suggested drug tests. If you do this my tip is use the urine ones, the mouth swab ones are useless

FuzzyPuffling · 13/08/2019 09:57

If he lives in a seaside place with seasonal work, then why has he not got a job now? It's the height of the season and certainly where I live (seaside area with lots of seasonal work) there are jobs advertised daily. Even the sort of "help, can anyone come and wash up for us tonight". To me, that shows his total lack of motivation.

MotherOfSoupDragons · 13/08/2019 10:03

If you're still tempted to agree to this, OP, at least have a private conversation with the sister. It might be enlightening.

Waveysnail · 13/08/2019 10:05

Could u find him a houseshare nearby and pay for that instead?

Singlenotsingle · 13/08/2019 10:13

Why, oh why, do so many men think it's ok to move into some poor woman's house and cocklodge? Why can't they get out there and do it for themselves? In this case, OP, you've even got the cocklodger's SON thinking it's ok for him to move in as well! We'll call him CL2 - but it looks like there's a nest of CLs all planning on moving in!

DelphiniumBlue · 13/08/2019 10:24

So your partner, with whom you have a baby, doesn't trust you enough to buy a property with you, moved in to your place, and is now asking you to house his son.
He has an inheritance, - is he working and earning an income too?
It ought to be possible to rent somewhere bigger while you let ou t your flat. What exactly does he contribute?

Mamitab · 13/08/2019 10:33

Your partner is not ready to marry you, to share his money with you, to buy a house with you, EVENTHOUGH you are willing to sell your flat.

Act accordingly.

You are not ready for his adult son to mess up with your family.

To your partner, anything you do will not be enough, even of he moves in. (Say it’s the lack of food, that he doesn’t have a room, that you should not be allowed to be in your living room cause is now his personal space, BATHROOM SHARING, that you refuse to clean after him, that you refuse to give him a weekly allowance and he can’t go out) Is never enough for the type of man you are with, yet they not ready to commit.

F* that. If I were you, I would say no, deal with partner being annoyed, if he is too annoyed he can f** off. Daughter keeps room. You don’t suffer financially. NEVER EVER ADD HIM ON THE LEASE.

Mamitab · 13/08/2019 10:39

I would not let my lazy (22) move in with me. Not a chance. Unless he is sick and there’s no room in the hospital.
Imagine sharing bathroom with a person who expects someone to pick his dirty underwear from the floor. That expects you to iron-hang his clothes, and have dietary requirements (oh they will complain about your food). Your SS will not find a job. And if he does, he would find it UNFAIR to share it with you. He can sleep under a bridge, you should give him a blanket and some tinned beans.

tenredthings · 13/08/2019 10:44

Let him sleep onthe sofa for a couple of weeks whilst he sorts out a bedsit/gets a job etc.Dont give him DD's room or make it too comfortable ! He might be fun to have around, an extra adult to entertain DD , a chance to get closer to family. I don't agree with all these negative posters, judging and assuming the worst.

llangennith · 13/08/2019 10:55

Absolutely NOT!
He's an adult and it's about time he behaved like one and sorted himself out. Once you've let him stay for even one night on the sofa you'll be stuck with him.
Your toddler needs looking after and his welfare should be the priority.
You'd be better off without your partner and his son.

Mamitab · 13/08/2019 10:56

OP has mentioned he owes money, he had dealt with drugs, he has no good record of being a good tenant, he has never had a long term job, that the flat belongs to her and there’s money and no space. Thats enough for me

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/08/2019 11:15

Kewl When you are a few decades older and you know someone who talks about weed like that, and smokes it daily, come back and tell me how you, and they, are dealing with their mental health issues.

Disinformation abounds, but THCs are real and do real harm. So please, sod off with the 'it's only a smoke' type crap!

And no, I won't believe you when you come back and say all the THC stuff is overhyped as I am dealing with it, right now, in real life. It REALLY isn't a good thing at all!

PlaceYourItemInTheBaggingArea · 13/08/2019 11:27

I agree that you've found yourself a true family of cocklodgers.

If dad of the year wants to put his inherited money where his mouth is, he could put a deposit down and pay a few months rent on a house share surely?

You will not get rid of young 28 year old cocklodger once he moves in, he will slowly take over your every waking thought. Your partner will not side with you, this will be hell for you, it could damage your relationship beyond repair.