To be bitter about my parent's careers?

[Kplpandd]

My parents were very career focused when I was a child.

They would drop me off on the school playground at 7.30am (even if it was dark in the winter) and pick me up at 5pm.

School holidays from the age of about 8 I spent long days alone at home locked in the house with nobody (spolit only child).

I dont know why but I'm starting to really resent the fact that they felt their careers were more important than my safety. I'm also bitter at the fact that nobody such as teachers or my neighbours ever questioned them about dumping me in the playground or leaving me home alone.

I remember going to my friends house after school once and her mum was home already to welcome her and I was so jealous!
This seemed to hit me when my dd reached 8 because I cant even think about leaving her at home for 12 hours whilst I went to work. Is it even legal?

My parents were well off, I never went without material possessions and as an adult I became very close friends with them both (they have now passed). I mean even if they'd sent me to a childminder I'd at least have had adequate supervision? I guess I'm just having a spoilt rant but would really appreciate others views.

@yoursarcasmisdripping I don't remember feeling scared more anxious. I used to hate hearing her lock the door as I would know I wouldn't speak to anyone again until dinner time. I was always told not to go out or answer the door to anyone. I also remember feeling extremely isolated and extremely bored. I became a very depressed child and a massive attention seeker and people pleaser which I still am actually.

I am same age as you and at 6 y.o. After school I was expected to collect my younger brother from the nursery, bring him home, feed us both and do the homework before our parents came home at around 7pm. Not in the UK, but it does not sound like it was too different.
I am very grateful for my mum showing me that a woman can have a career, and later I definitely appreciated the extra income that paid for all the trips and extra classes. Also taught me independence and self-reliance.

Yes! To the poster who said their mother was a stay at home but was not a stay at home parent.
My mother stayed at home, but she was not a stay at home parent. I feel like I looked after her. Made her tea, listened to all her very in depth problems from the age of 7. I was the mother and she was the child. Staying at home does not make a person a good parent. Going to work does not make a person a good parent. There are many weak and traumatised people out there who are simply not able to be good parents

Then no, you are not all unreasonable to be bitter about the way your parents raised you.

I have a friend who really resents her parents because of the way she was treated as a child. She was given a key at 8 years old to let herself and her younger brother in after school. She has always had a rocky relationship with her mother because of this. She said she can't forgive her for putting that responsibility on her when she was too young. That was early 80's.

I was an only child in the 70s and spent hours after school alone. Days alone in the school holidays. I think looking back I was very lonely and bored. My parents simply didn’t consider that side of parenting.

I get annoyed about it now looking back, not so much that it happened, I guess it wasn’t unusual, but that my mother simply edits out anything from the past that puts her in a bad light. She denies or minimises all sorts of things. But has plenty of opinions about what is and isn’t ‘right’ nowadays.

I was the same although I had to get the bus there and back. Home to an empty house and never knowing what time they'd return.
Bizarre. But it was different back then and no one questioned stuff like that.

My mother was a SAHM all my life, but she never walked me to school. When I was 5 she walked me there once so I'd know the way, and from then on I walked for 45 minutes through a fairly large and busy town to school, and the same in the afternoon. When I was 8 we moved , and then I had to catch the bus to and from school - not a school bus, a regular one full adults so I always had to stand, lurching about in the aisle.

Considering that my mother was sitting at home when all that was happening, I do feel a bit annoyed ! Child safety didn't seem to be a big thing then.

I was also told not to answer the door or speak to anyone. I can so relate to hearing the door close and knowing that was it for hours stretching ahead 🙁 I also walked miles to and from school alone every day all alone.

I’ve tried to hard to really be around for my dc. Not micromanaging their time, just to be about a lot more and supporting their interests and friendships.

Mine simply weren’t available. It definitely has affected my relationship with them. Now they’re elderly and I’m in my 50s I have all sorts of difficulties with them. We have such a superficial relationship.

my mother was a sahm who saw me as an inconvenience, never spent any time with me, told me I was adopted and such a horrible girl she was going to phone social services to send me back. I can't recall a single time my mother spent any time with me.
I over heard her on the phone saying she wished she'd never had me.

Ironically when my son was born she gave me the poem I hope my children look back on today and see parents who had time to play.

I would suggest EEmother that although it is far from ideal for a 6 year old to be doing what you did the fact that you are not emotionally scarred may be because your mother was available to you when she was around. That I think tends to be the missing link really. Emotionally damaged parents who are themselves not emotionally available to their children can significantly damage those children. It is very common and there are many causes, war, famine, abuse and neglect, emotionally devoid upbringing themselves and other traumatic events along the way.

I actually think it's even worse being locked in,isolated ,not allowed to speak to anyone or go out. You didn't have a parent in the house or a "free range" childhood(which can sometimes mitigate being left to fend for yourself).

It doesn't sound right to me to be left in the playground at 7.30 in the morning, or locked in the house all day alone during the holidays . Why didn't they get a nanny or a childminder to look after you? I don't think you ABU at all. Lots of people have to work but there has to be some balance, for the sake of safety, emotional wellbeing, and generally being cared for.

Different time so you cannot really blame the school. Does sound like they were not the best hands-on parents (presumably the trade off was material things were plentiful) but it isnt exactly abusive. Get over it! Do it differently with your own kids by all means but you/they cannot go back and do it again so yes, YABU.

Yes I remember my mother being a stay at home mother and never having anything to do with me, unless she wanted me to get her something from the kitchen or sit with her and listen to her problems. Apart form that she never had anything to do with me. And I sat for hours in my bedroom by myself

@preggosaurus9 I'm so sorry to hear that. Sounds so lonely. X

I send you a hug @totallyzonkedout.
I think that good mothers are much less common than bad mothers. It is a society problem. What does that say about society right now?

1. That women are not treated very well and are full of pain and anger by the time they have children
2. It is too difficult for women to look after children. There needs to be more help.

I dont think anyone intends to be an abusive mother. The woman is too weak and damaged that she is simply not able to be a good mother.

I had four aunties and three seemed like good mothers to me when I was a child. One was awful, she was a single mother and constantly screamed and shouted at her child. I never saw her interact with him without screaming.

When she was older she said "having a child by yourself is way too hard, and it is too hard for the child aswell". She saw herself as struggling and depressed at the time. It was only much later that she saw it had been hard on the child aswell

It’s a bit of an elephant in the room that most children would prefer their parents didn’t both work full time and would be better off if they didn’t.

In my incredibly anecdotal experience there's no link between whether your parents worked and whether you resent them. I know people who are very grateful to their SAHMs and people who despise them, people who are very admiring of their WOHMs and people who massively resent them. People who say they have an amazing relationship with a father who barely saw them as a child because they worked so much are very common, but you also see people who hate them for working so much. Sometimes all these different people are siblings in the same family. Parenting quality, working status and what your adult children think of you are three different things and the relationship between them is very complicated, and probably as reliant on the child's personality as anything the parent actually did in most (non abusive) cases.

Out of interest, do you think that your parents were happier people because they were fulfilled by their careers? It doesn’t excuse the neglect but did you gain anything from having successful parents such as good advice about education/careers, a strong work ethic of your own etc? (I am not talking about material things). It’s probably too identifying, but what sort of job did your Mum do? She must have been quite different from the majority of your friends’ Mums?

I was at primary school from 1979-1986 and I remember walking to and from school myself from about 6 or 7 in London. But my mum was a sahm so she was in after school.
However I'm pretty sure if she's have had a job we would have been left at that age.
She worked when I was 10 (in 1985) and I was literally left to fend for my self. Got my self up and went to school. Got home myself home and made myself something to eat etc until late at night.
I coped ok. I don't think I'm particularly damaged by it but when I look at my own dc I think wtf was she thinking.

I don't remember feeling scared more anxious. I used to hate hearing her lock the door as I would know I wouldn't speak to anyone again until dinner time. I was always told not to go out or answer the door to anyone. I also remember feeling extremely isolated and extremely bored. I became a very depressed child and a massive attention seeker and people pleaser which I still am actually.

this is so sad.
ok yanbu. your parents were in the wrong and you're entitled to be upset. of course your childhood affects how you are as an adult and you were lonely, sad and anxious. definately read the books and get councilling/therapy.

OP not ok . auto correct

My parent buggered off to Spain and left me for a fortnight the month after i turned 14, i was fine

I have spoken about my mother so far. I last saw my Dad at 14 and then he had nothing to do with us. I tracked him down when I was age 27 to his house. He sent me a letter saying he never wanted to see ma again. I am actually proud of myself for getting as far as I did with no dad and with an abusive mother.
Big hug to all of us on here who had less than amazing parents.

*to see me again