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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be bitter about my parent's careers?

258 replies

Kplpandd · 12/08/2019 16:41

My parents were very career focused when I was a child.

They would drop me off on the school playground at 7.30am (even if it was dark in the winter) and pick me up at 5pm.

School holidays from the age of about 8 I spent long days alone at home locked in the house with nobody (spolit only child).

I dont know why but I'm starting to really resent the fact that they felt their careers were more important than my safety. I'm also bitter at the fact that nobody such as teachers or my neighbours ever questioned them about dumping me in the playground or leaving me home alone.

I remember going to my friends house after school once and her mum was home already to welcome her and I was so jealous!
This seemed to hit me when my dd reached 8 because I cant even think about leaving her at home for 12 hours whilst I went to work. Is it even legal?

My parents were well off, I never went without material possessions and as an adult I became very close friends with them both (they have now passed). I mean even if they'd sent me to a childminder I'd at least have had adequate supervision? I guess I'm just having a spoilt rant but would really appreciate others views.

OP posts:
tolerable · 12/08/2019 19:31

I think you are genuinely allowed to have,to explore and to lay to rest any feelings-at any stage in your life.so that bits healthy. as youre parents have both both passed its kinda impossible to challenge the whys and what nots. In the time they were there with you-did you know you were loved? the idea of leaving my 9 yr old longer than five/ten minutes(and dont anyone tell me i shouldnt.in scotland-i am allowed -it is purely a run round corner-literally to shop.he has my number on quick dial.will not answer door and in event of any emergency will nip round corner five doors down style and get m,y friend/or 7 doors down to another)..that said-i dont/cant work. why are you bitter ?thats the major concern.roaming free would have left you vulnerable in a different extreme.

FireBloodAndIce · 12/08/2019 19:33

They were neglectful. What if there was a fire? Could you even get out?

Thoughtlessinengland · 12/08/2019 19:36

But don't blame it on them having careers.

Precisely this. Your parents did a rubbish job at parenting it seems - not organising adequate daytime and holiday time activities and childcare for you. Blame that. Blame their lack of parenting skills. Blame the lack of nurturing, enriching childcare. But do not blame parental careers particularly when also speaking idyllically about women giving up work to stay home. That is a slippery slope to a fantastically regressive and rightly incendiary argument.

You are right to feel upset about your childhood. You are even more right to blame your parents for it. But the fault is NOT them having careers. The fault is them not being able to provide for you and your well being by arranging appropriate (or any) childcare.

The2Ateam · 12/08/2019 19:41

Do you work?

MaybeitsMaybelline · 12/08/2019 19:41

My mum always always welcomed me from school with a home cooked meal and cakes. I was deeply envious of my friend whose parents were career parents and who holidays in the Caribbean and Florida.

We went to Butlins and self catering in the lakes.

SunshineCake · 12/08/2019 19:48

I was left in the playground at 8 years of age, home to stand on the doorstep until their actual child got home. Left home alone a lot. You'd be horrified if I told you why this family decided to give me a home but it was awful. I get how you feel, OP, but be happy you were able to become friends with your parents.

zsazsajuju · 12/08/2019 19:49

I walked to school myself in the 80s, every day except for maybe the first day. I don’t think it was neglect nor was i traumatised. I wouldn’t allow my dds to do that though. Times have changed

TheBigFatMermaid · 12/08/2019 19:53

My DM used to leave me and my younger sis home alone from when I was 7. Not to go to work, as she worked at home making gloves. She used to leave us home alone to go out on the piss on Friday and Saturday nights. Then come home and tell us in the morning how she had drunk loads and then been sick and then drunk some more.

This is the same woman who sits and tuts when we have a drink at home in the evening with my 12 and 13 year old in the house!

PsuedoSatisfactionBaby · 12/08/2019 19:54

Your post made me think about my childhood...very similar age...own door key at 7 home alone until my mum came home at 530. Always first dropped off on the playground around 730. Summer holidays in the house on my own...told never to answer the door. Both parents worked full time. I’ve never really thought about it to be honest. I dont think it damaged me in any way...sure I was probably a bit bored but I learned to fill my time entertaining myself. I used to read, watch LOADS of TV, potter around, draw, bake (!) fix my own food. I had quite a vivid imagination. I was a big thinker. Im naturally an introvert and was, and still am very comfortable in my own company. I rarely if ever get bored nowadays and get grouchy if I don’t have time on my own now and again.

Where my life was different was I had older siblings (who were all out at work by the time I was 7) but that still lived at home. It meant evenings and weekends were noisy family oriented times so perhaps I had more balance than you. I don’t judge my parents at all...in fact I think I learned a lot from it.

That being said now I have my own kids, I couldn’t imagine leaving them alone for so long or letting them come home the 2 miles from school on their own. I don’t think I’d even be ALLOWED to drop them in the playground at 730! I do worry I am not teaching them independence with non stop wraparound care and activities though. I guess it’s all balance.

Rainbowknickers · 12/08/2019 19:58

I remember my dad yelling at me that I could walk to school by myself-I was 4

I walked home aged 5 over 3 busy main roads for about 2 1/2 miles

Nobody saw anything wrong in it at all but makes me shudder at what could go wrong

Original poster
Kplpandd · 12/08/2019 20:03

@argumentativeaardvaark she was a doctor and would have been very depressed as a sahm. She said she would never give up work and worried about retiring. She died in her 50s

OP posts:
DressingGown · 12/08/2019 20:18

During the summer I was left at home with my younger brother (mid 80s) when I was 8, and possibly before. I don’t resent it and am still very independent and self sufficient. Wouldn’t dream of leaving my dd to look after ds in a million years.

Touchmybum · 12/08/2019 20:20

I think you must have forgiven them on some level if you were able to become friends with your parents? You're not unreasonable at all to resent the way you were brought up. It just sounds cold and unloving. DH and I have always both worked, but have equally had, and have, a warm and loving relationship with our kids. We are both very proud of the amazing young adults they've grown to be. Did you ever tell your parents how you felt, even as an adult? Did they ever acknowledge that they could have done a lot better?

I do think you need to learn to come to terms with this so that it doesn't impact negatively on your life any more. Resentment only eats away at you - and you're the one suffering from it, not your parents. I think you should talk to a professional therapist, and find a way to get your head around the bitterness, and move on. And remember, no parents are perfect.... I hope yours were able to show their love for you in other ways.

jennymanara · 12/08/2019 20:24

Of course you are allowed to feel unhappy at this.
But if you are here as a mum remember we all mess up in some way. I am sure all our kids will one day be saying things we thought were fine were not.

And I dont think the issue is so much leaving an 8 year old alone for some of the time, it is the length of time you were left totally alone without any other kids to play with.

BlueJava · 12/08/2019 20:25

I don't know if it helps to think of it this way - but perhaps they weren't so focussed on their careers, but more on earning money and giving you and the family things which they felt important. This could easily be a view as they would have grown up in a time of austerity where possessions were important.

Gwenhwyfar · 12/08/2019 20:25

"Snowflake for thinking a 5 yr old shouldn't be bussing it to school and back alone"

Well there were 4 year olds on the school buses to my school going on the bus without their parents. They were met by teachers the other side and probably walked to the bus by their parents.

I got myself to school from that age as well, but we lived in a tiny village and my DM could probably see me going the whole way.

jennymanara · 12/08/2019 20:28

Lots of countries 5 year olds routinely get buses and trains alone to school. I think now in the UK because we don't expect as much from our 5 year olds, they would not be capable of this. I think back to the 3 nearly 4 year old I used to babysit nearly 40 years ago, and in terms of maturity she was more like a 6 or even 7 year old today.

mcmooberry · 12/08/2019 20:34

It does beggar belief really when you think about it. Ok there weren't the holiday clubs etc around then but who would leave an 8 year old at home all day on boredom grounds! My ex told me that he and his sister had to stay in the car all day at his mother's work during the school holidays (father away in the army) which is even more horrifying.

Hilolilo · 12/08/2019 20:35

Yanbu OP

Walkaround · 12/08/2019 20:37

Kplpandd - your parents sound awful. Basically you are saying you were dumped in an empty field every weekday morning in term time at 7.30 am and were locked in an empty house all day in the holidays. I doubt very much that your parents liked children, or they would have made more effort to enable you to socialise and have a bit of freedom, rather than locking you up all day on your own or leaving you in a field outside your school. I doubt very much that an adult would appreciate being locked in a house on their own every day, so why they would think that was an appropriate thing to do to you, I don't know.

ShimmeryShiny · 12/08/2019 20:39

YANBU. I feel for you OP. I would never do that to my beautiful children.

helacells · 12/08/2019 20:42

Aww that's awful. Having a Mum waiting at home for us every day was the joy in our lives. I don't understand people who choose careers over children when they can afford it, just don't have them!

BedraggledBlitz · 12/08/2019 20:43

Yanbu. My childhood was similar, the upside is that now that I am a mum I have a very healthy work life balance and always prioritise my DC.

Lottle · 12/08/2019 20:44

I'm so sorry you went through that op xxxx

ssd · 12/08/2019 20:46

It does sound pretty crap and lonely op, but it was different times, wasn't it?