To be bitter about my parent's careers?

[Kplpandd]

My parents were very career focused when I was a child.

They would drop me off on the school playground at 7.30am (even if it was dark in the winter) and pick me up at 5pm.

School holidays from the age of about 8 I spent long days alone at home locked in the house with nobody (spolit only child).

I dont know why but I'm starting to really resent the fact that they felt their careers were more important than my safety. I'm also bitter at the fact that nobody such as teachers or my neighbours ever questioned them about dumping me in the playground or leaving me home alone.

I remember going to my friends house after school once and her mum was home already to welcome her and I was so jealous!
This seemed to hit me when my dd reached 8 because I cant even think about leaving her at home for 12 hours whilst I went to work. Is it even legal?

My parents were well off, I never went without material possessions and as an adult I became very close friends with them both (they have now passed). I mean even if they'd sent me to a childminder I'd at least have had adequate supervision? I guess I'm just having a spoilt rant but would really appreciate others views.

I used to feel resentful of my parents
But as I've gotten older I looked at my grandparents and I can see exactly why they then acted the way they did.
It's not about me. Its not about malice
It's about not knowing better, not being shown better
Obviously that's up to them to not recognise and work through their own issues, and so there are some things I can't forgive
But it's really taken away the anger element

That’s a really good point . My mother , funnily enough , had a very unstable upbringing. I think that’s why she was how she was . Doesn’t excuse it but helps understand.

The main thing is not to let this eat you up. Whatever is done is done , and allowing the past to carry on hurting you is the part that you can do something about , but you can’t change the past .

I was at junior school late 60's and walked to/from school about 2 miles everyday on my own from around age 6. When I got home my older sister was there to "look after" me as parents worked. She and I never got on but at least there was someone home. I walked my kids to/from school and worked part time hours middle of day and weekends (dad had them) so I could be home for them. Never felt hard done by and had great childhood, very happy, but still dont get on with my sister

I've been thinking back to when I was a child and I had a friend in primary school and she was about 9 when I got to know her. Her mum worked and she had a key to let herself in after school. She was alone all through the holidays and we used to spend loads of time in her house getting up to all sorts of things we shouldn't have been. In those days I'd go out in the morning and come back at tea time. No phone in the house. My mum had no idea where I was or what I was doing. And this was primary age.

I don't think 'There's no point in being upset about it now' really cuts it. Our feelings are our feelings, and don't respond to rational thinking. It takes more than 'pull yourself up by your bootlaces' to process them. I'm glad you had a good relationship with your parents as an adult BUT it sounds like neglect to me. As an 8 year old left alone for hours at a time, if you'd had an accident or injury of some kind I don't think 'times were different' would have been much of a defence. It sounds as though perhaps some counseling might help you work through this? BTW, where were you before school opened and after it closed?

@ElizaDee what's a snowflake? Presumably you don't mean an ice formation? Surely you're too intelligent to use silly terms created by the gutter press that are all about dehumanising people? I mean that's what facists do and you wouldn't be that silly would you...

Things were different ‘ back then ‘. I never, ever left my children unsupervised but my own parents left me alone to walk to school and for every holiday. They sent me to church on my own every Sunday too. At Christmas they left my sister and I at lunchtime to go to the pub and also left me alone in the house to attend the pub on Friday and Saturday evenings.

It was what it was. I was definitely neglected and am a bit solitary now. However, it made me independent and resilient and I would never think of resenting parents for what was an extreme version of what all parents did. No one was mollycoddled then.

It’s certainly true that things can be stirred up uncomfortably when your child reaches a certain age that coincides with something bad that happened to you. I can empathise with this. I remember feeling ‘outside’ my lovely close family when my eldest DD passed the age (9) when my dad took his own life and I effectively became a substitute adult for my mum. I remember watching my lovely husband and children having fun messing around together and thinking ‘my children have now moved into a time phase that I have never occupied. I simply don’t know how it feels to be a 10+ old little girl messing around and having fun’. I did have some counselling although it was probably a bit late for me.

I was a latch key kid aged 9 in 2003.

My dad is a pilot and would be away for 5 days at a time. My mother had no interest in me and I spent a lot of time caring for her when she was in the house.
We were financially comfortable but my school uniform was 2nd with stains and holes and I had 1 school jumper which got washed once every week or two. I was always very lonely (we lived in a small village) and spending so much time on my own was hard.

I'm 25 now with a child of my own and it's really started to play on my mind about the neglect that occurred in my primary years

I don't think any 8 yr old should be left home alone regardless what decade it is and I think you've every right to be resentful, but assuming you had a loving relationship with your parents otherwise? If so, try to focus on the good times and learn from their mistakes to make your child's life fabulous.

In the 1970’s/80’s I was a latchkey kid. Got the bus to school alone age 4, was bullied by the village bully as I got off the bus most days, it was shit. Spent weeks of school holiday alone at home, no support with academic work at school. I resented it all and used to feel annoyed about it-I longed for a Mum at home. We had money but it didn’t matter. I hated it, but have been determined to make my children more central to family life for us. Times were very different and society has changed. I try not to dwell on it, move forward if you can- sometimes shit happens but I choose to look ahead. There are things that I learnt through the ‘neglect’; I am very capable, self reliant and independent- not sure my children are as able at the same age. There are different pressures now. I understand your feelings though.

I think that when our parents pass, sometimes we think of things that they did and there is no way to resolve some issues.

I saw my mother do this with hers and I've tried not to but find myself overthinking her actions too.

I've spent a long time trying to understand it but can't really except we're unable to talk about it with them. We don't have their love in our lives to counterbalance the remembered difficulties. My mother would be hurt at what I remember poorly bc she didn't hurt me on purpose.

Your parents didn't either.

It was sad that they worked so much. You weren't spoiled? It doesn't sound like it to me anyway. You were neglected. But you can't fix it by telling them. They cannot apologize to you.
I find telling myself that they did the best they could at the time helps.

Also. Be a better parent to your dd than that were to you. You are doing that. Don't be bitter. Acknowledge the pain then move on bc being bitter hurts you all over again.

I am sorry that you're hurting but I am glad you had a good relationship eventually.

I'm a little older than you OP. I left school in 1991. It was normal then for children to go home alone and wait for parents to come home. My mum was a SAHM and very often my friends would come round and leave just before their parents were due home. I spent many years asking for a key as my friends had one. In secondary school, you were made fun of if your parents took you to school. Nowadays it's highly likely that your parents drop you off although I never did, my DC took themselves to and from school on the bus. Times have changed a lot. It wasnt considered neglectful or child abuse back then. In some countries it is still the norm for children as young as 5 to take themselves to and from school even if school is miles away.

My DD worked away a lot. DM stayed home but was bone lazy. I was regularly left to babysit my newborn sibling from age 7. When we moved to a large City was made to get 30 minute bus ride to school by myself,aged 8. DM never once came to see me onto the bus or pick me up, not even to show me the way, I had to work it out for myself. Left alone at night (babysitting) while parents went out partying. No mobiles then and I dread to think 'what if' something had happened to either of us. Relationship between us is ok, but I do resent her lack of care for me and have little respect for the woman and as a result am VERY cautious about the safety and wellbeing of my kids and have never neglected them in this way. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Perhaps worthwhile looking for a therapist to talk out your feelings. I wish you luck.

That sounds desperately lonely OP. 12 hours on your own all day in the holidays locked in a house. That is basically solitary confinement and absolutely not okay. You must be a very strong person mentally to have survived that. You have every right to be angry. Therapy would be a good idea if only to let the anger out in a positive way rather than letting it fester and damage you.

Please go and get counselling to deal with these issues.
Enjoy the relationship you have now and try not to dwell. Try not to let things that happened in the past steal from your present happiness. No amount of thinking about it will change the fact that it happened.

As an add, this isn't because your parents had careers, please don't make them feel guilty for working and providing. This is poor parenting choices.

My mum dropped me off at the hospital so that I could have a knee op under general anaesthetic (my first ever op) whilst she went to work... I was 13 and it bothers me even more now that I am a parent! I made a promise to myself that I would never treat my child like that!

This is definitely not ok. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

You're not spoilt as you put it.

Justme aww bless you that’s is shitty

Justme wonder what she was thinking ? Was she under a lot of stress

Lardlizard my mother wasn’t able to get time off at that time, but didn’t think to enquire about moving the operation date! It’s bizarre, we have discussed it in recent years and she doesn’t understand the issue. She genuinely thinks I was mature enough to deal with having surgery alone!

You were well off BECAUSE they worked, not in spite of it.

Why are you winding yourself up over something that was years ago?

YABVU and instead of griping over a time long gone with no relevance to the here and now, get some therapy.

You may not like their choices but they were THEIR choices. Move on.

They’ve passed. This really isn’t going to do you any good at all. People do what they think is best at the time. Their way of putting you first was to provide for you materially. You think they got it wrong, fair enough, that’s your right, we all have our own way of looking at things, but who’s to say your opinion is any more valid?
I stayed at home with my kids, my husband worked away much of the time and because of big age gaps I didn’t have a practical choice. They constantly compared me to friends’ fantastic career mums and pointed out how I was lacking in comparison. Parents can never win.
Remember the good times you had with/because of them.

She was locked in a house alone for hours during the whole of the holidays. No company,no friends,no playing outside.

The fuck is wrong with people?

I find it interesting people assume others did their best etc. Maybe they did, maybe they did not. We don't know.

I do think OP is right to think this through and get counselling. Ignoring painful memories etc is not the way to get healing from them.