To be bitter about my parent's careers?

[Kplpandd]

My parents were very career focused when I was a child.

They would drop me off on the school playground at 7.30am (even if it was dark in the winter) and pick me up at 5pm.

School holidays from the age of about 8 I spent long days alone at home locked in the house with nobody (spolit only child).

I dont know why but I'm starting to really resent the fact that they felt their careers were more important than my safety. I'm also bitter at the fact that nobody such as teachers or my neighbours ever questioned them about dumping me in the playground or leaving me home alone.

I remember going to my friends house after school once and her mum was home already to welcome her and I was so jealous!
This seemed to hit me when my dd reached 8 because I cant even think about leaving her at home for 12 hours whilst I went to work. Is it even legal?

My parents were well off, I never went without material possessions and as an adult I became very close friends with them both (they have now passed). I mean even if they'd sent me to a childminder I'd at least have had adequate supervision? I guess I'm just having a spoilt rant but would really appreciate others views.

@Soontobe60 I believe it. I give you a big hug OP🎊

I had a lot of free reign in the 80s to get myself to school and play wherever etc but no way would my parents or the parents of anyone I know leave an 8 year old by themselves for a whole day other than in an emergency. Its unsafe as well as boring and lonely. Childminders did exist then and where I lived there was a mixture of working or part time or stay at home mums so people looked after each others kids a lot more, so they could have asked someone at least some of the time.

I think its normal to feel upset about this, it wasnt due to different standards of the time it was neglectful

@Soontobe60 I have seen loads and loads of child neglect cases. They exist

I certainly walked to and from junior school alone / with friends, from seven. The school wouldn't have known where any child was going and whether there was an adult there.

YANBU

I doubt you were at risk physically but it doesn’t sound as if your emotional needs were being met.

I had my older kids in the late 80s and that would have been inconceivable to me - that really wasn't standard for the time. I used childminders and after school clubs, as did all the working parents I knew. That was neglect.

In the mid 70s though I caught 2 buses home from school across a major European capital from the age of 9/10 or so - absolutely mind-boggling now. Once I missed a bus and was crying at the side of the road when a couple pulled up and offered me a lift - and I got in the car and went with them! They were fine, I was fine, they were just nice people but I look back now and think WTF were my parents thinking?

I lived near my primary school. There were one or two kids dropped off in the playground as early as 8am. The school would not have done anything, but it was not considered good parenting in the 80's. Also in the 80's there was a lot of research and media coverage about latchkey kids - young kids left at home afterschool and all day during the school holidays alone.
My parents both worked but they paid a neighbour to look after us in the 70's, But in the 80's there was still not much formal childcare around in many places, and some of it was shockingly poor.

Walking to and from school at 8 was normal in the 80's being left home alone every day during the school holidays at 8 was not normal.

I think that being left alone at 8 all day is officially classed as neglect and if it happened now your parents would be in big trouble

My parents left us alone a lot whilst working We were told not to tell anyone so only ever got a neighbour involved if something really bad happened, like a really bad burning smell once because something was smouldering.

It was laziness rather than money related plus one parent took a job with crazy shifts without thinking about childcare.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel resentful - that's a lot of time alone for quite a young child!

I wasn't in as bad a position as you - my parents worked shifts and until I started secondary, they worked mostly opposite shifts so someone was home before/after school. Sometimes, my sister and I went to before/after school club.

Once I started secondary, they didn't do opposite shifts very often at all. I was often left to get myself and my sister up and to school in the bus (she is 4 years younger) or pick her up after school and walk home with her (the time her school finished meant a missed the bus and would have had to wait an hour - the walk was about 3 miles) . Then I would have to make our tea, straighten things up at home etc. and hold the fort until they got home at about 9.50pm.

In the holidays, we were sometimes alone for the full shift time so 6.30am-3pm or 1.30pm-9.50pm.

I didn't like it and often felt resentful as a kid.

My DM walked me to the bus stop on my first day at school, aged 5. After that I had to walk to the bus stop on my own, and then get on the bus to school alone. And the reverse in the afternoon, going home.

Same here. It was just the normal thing that all kids did on our estate in the mid 1970s. My mum didn't work though. She didn't walk us to the bus stop because she didn't think there was any need to.

We walked to school from reception, across two main roads. There weren't the cars, every one walked, no one was alone. We came home for lunch too, only the poor kids had school dinners, because they were free.

A generation is approx. 25 years, so a lot of these anecdotes, if from the early 70's are two generations ago.

Placing todays values on yesterday is wrong

YANBU- your parents neglected you which is the most common form of child abuse. It is also not uncommon to have these feelings of anger and dismay due to flashbacks surfacing when you have kids of your own. Many adult victims can’t speak about the abuse until after their parent(s) death(s).
May I suggest you get in touch with the adult survivors of child abuse?

That lazy, yet nefarious insult 'snowflake' instantly discredits anyone who trots it out.

I wonder if those who bandy it about with such regularity know its real origins? If not, they should Google, and I suspect would stop using it.

You survived.

It’s a bit of an elephant in the room that most children would prefer their parents didn’t both work full time and would be better off if they didn’t.
Clearly your parents didn’t provide proper care for you but so many young teens are left legally at home (no childcare for a 14year old) wishing their parents were a bit more present.

In an idea world everyone would be able to parent their children well and advance a career. Our society is bust because few people manage to do both well, even if quite well off.

I’m thankful my mum was around after school to chat and talk about my teenage drama. I would be a different person without her presence.

Leaving a child of 8 locked in day after day is not within the range of “reasonable by the standards of the time.” It would be wrong now and was wrong then.

Primary school age in the late 80’s and couldn’t have imagined ever being left on my own. I had an older sister too and she wasn’t left to look after me on her own until she was 13 or 14 but it was very rarely and only for half hour tops.

I think your situation is unusual in that your parents left you in a strange half-way situation between being trusted and not being trusted. This is nothing to do with their careers and everything to do with their parenting style.

When I was in primary school, it wasn't unusual for children to walk to and from school themselves or, from the age of about 8, to have a key to let themselves in and out and to be left at home alone in the holidays. It would have been unusual for a child to be left hanging around the school playground for hours or to be locked in their house with no key.

I don’t accept that children necessarily want or are benefitted by parents not working. I would not have wanted to talk to my mother about “teenage dramas.” The mum hovering at home strikes me as rather cloying and oppressive especially for teenagers

Yes kids often had keys to let themselves in and out. So they played with friends outside, went in friends houses. But not just locked in left alone. That sounds lonely. Also strange as I know the stats from the 80s at the time showed kids were more at risk at home alone than playing outside without adult supervision.

We were trusted to get ourselves to school everyday ourselves. The walk to Primary was 5 minutes with no roads to cross, secondary was 30 with two busy roads with no crossings. My mum worked part time and left at 7. My dad worked shifts so often if he was home he was in bed. Mum would get home at lunchtime.

Thank you so much for your responses. I'm not sure why but I was hoping everyone would say I was being unreasonable . I'm certainly not lying. My school had a large playing field with a small post and rail wooden fence around which you just had to hop through to get in although its probably different now!
.And thank you for the book suggestions.

Definitely not a dig at working mums whoever said that. How do you know I dont work? Like I said if I'd been put with a childminder at least I'd have been safe and not alone. There were no before and after school clubs back then. Yes I was often told how lucky and spoilt i was. Well I had a lot of nice things didn't I.

Sorry to hear about the poster whose parents ran a business. That must have been tough as you cant leave work behind when you run a business ☹

I was at primary school in the 80s and went to a childminder until parents picked me up. My mum drove me to school each day.

At 8 I was fine without an adult for a bit (as are my kids all born this side of the millennium) but not all day for weeks on end.